Big Z Is Big Baby

The jokes just write themselves, people. There isn't anything I can say that will do this series of events justice. In summary, Carlos Zambrano signed a $91.5M five-year contract with the Chicago Cubs, stunk up his next five starts, got booed by the fans and then cried about it.

Give me a break, Big Z. These are the most patient, pacified and complacent fans you'll find in all of baseball. Sometimes I don't even think they MIND losing they're so used to it. So COME ON!! Things must be pretty damn bad for them to react with such voracity. Generally, I don't like when fans boo their own players. It makes me uncomfortable and kind of sad. It's counter intuitive to me and I'll never really understand why fans do it or how it makes them feel better about a player or team that's struggling. I just don't see how it helps anything. However, I also think fans have the right to express their frustration and unhappiness over greedy, mouthy, egotistical hotheads that aren't pulling their weight or giving anyone reason to believe they're deserving of the big fat multi-million dollar contract they just landed. The Cubs spent the big bucks on Zambrano because they expected him to be a reliable ace. He's supposed to be the powerhouse pitcher in that rotation and if he wants to be treated that way, he needs to be playing that way. Now, I'm not saying it isn't okay for players to slump or go through some rough patches, but I AM saying it's ridiculous and ill-advised to then take it out on the people who are paying exorbitant tickets prices to sit and watch you do it. Being in the media spotlight, people like Carlos Zambrano can't afford to be quick tempered, rash and childish. You have to play for these fans for the next five years, buddy, and despite your half-assed PR generated apology, I don't think they are going to be so easy to forgive you. This becomes especially true if you can't start pitching like the guy they're paying for. It also doesn't do you any favors to tell a city of people that have been stubbornly loyal to this team for the past 99 years despite it sucking terribly that they are only thinking of themselves. Are you kidding me? Are they really supposed to feel sorry for you? Because I'm highly confident you weren't thinking about THEM when you were sitting down to ink that nearly $100M contract, you big whiner.

Anyhow, at least I'm not the only one in Chicago who hates him anymore. See, Cubs fans! I've been telling you all along, you just can't trust people that refer to themselves in the third person. At least that's what Lindsay Trumbull thinks.

My Weekend Got Progressively Better Until It Actually Blew My Mind

Good grief, I take a few days off and look what happens! The NL Central is a mess! The Cubs are in first and hanging on to a precarious 1.5 game lead over Milwaukee, the Cardinals have charged within 2 games of the lead and even jumped into second place for a brief minute yesterday, the Astros fired Phil Garner, Roy Oswalt did that thing he does by shutting out the Redbirds in his return on Wednesday, Carlos Zambrano warmed the cockles of my heart by blowing another game, Alfonso Soriano returned quietly to the Cubs lineup on Tuesday, Adam Kennedy had knee surgery, Scott Rolen missed a few games because of that nagging shoulder injury of his and amongst it all, I made my annual pilgrimage to St. Louis for the Braves series and what would turn out to be one of the greatest weekends of my summer.

When I left on Friday the Cards had just taken two of three from the Marlins and were 3 games back in the division. Spirits were high, my gas tank was full, my iPod was charged and I was ready to go! Upon arriving in St. Louis it became clear that Mother Nature wasn't NEARLY as excited about baseball as I was. It rained and rained and poured and stormed for what felt like an eternity before the game actually started. And then it only got worse as the Birds fumbled around committing a handful of errors and failing to generate nearly enough runs to support an average Kip Wells performance. Plus, a big obnoxious Cubs fan was sitting directly in front of me. Seriously. It's like these people follow me around or something. What are the freakin' odds? But anyway, my Dad and I were Crabby McCrankypants when we left Busch Stadium after that hot mess.

Fortunately, things got better on Saturday. The weather cleared up considerably, Joel Pineiro pitched well and we were able to put together a strong inning against Tim Hudson and squeak by with a 5-4 win. Plus, our seats were a little bit better and the game got over with early enough that we could go out partying with Missouri's finest until the wee hours of the morning. We even got our picture taken with Captain Morgan and saw a woman wearing a banana clip. A BANANA CLIP! I don't think I've seen one of those since 1986! Beautiful stuff, I tell ya.

However, it wasn't until Golden Day Sunday that I became positively euphoric. Those Cardinal Club tickets I mentioned a couple weeks ago? Yeah, they were the coolest seats I've ever sat in. It was physically impossible to eat and drink all the free food and beverages that were being offered and we were close enough to the field that my Mom was calling balls and strikes. If I were so compelled, I could have confessed my undying love to Albert Pujols and he would have been able to hear me. The weather was perfect, Adam Wainwright looked awesome, Jason Isringhausen didn't give me a stroke and Juan Encarnacion even hit a homerun. It was quite literally a perfect day and I don't throw that term around loosely! Add that to a couple Cubs losses over the weekend and I actually wanted to cry. If I would have been crushed by a Clydesdale that night, I could have died a happy woman. Plus, we got to pose with Fred Bird! I dare you not to be jealous.

In summary, I'm high on Cardinal fumes right now. Also, I'm kind of thinking that after Sunday, my wedding and the birth of my first born have a lot to live up to. Make of that what you will!

Step #1: Closing The Gap

As the dust has cleared and the Rick Ankiel buzz has started to die down a bit over the past few days, something has become painfully evident. I'm afraid to even say it for fear of jinxing us, but our starting pitching has been...GOOD! Braden Looper, Adam Wainwright, Joel Pineiro, Anthony Reyes and even Kip freakin WELLS have come out of the woodwork over the past week to toss games that make it look like they're all competing for the Cy Young award. I don't know where this has been all season, but I don't even care! Because of this collective effort, the Cardinals appear to be a reasonably functional baseball team and rest only 4.5 games out of first place behind the Brew Crew and the Scrubbies. To be honest, it kind of freaks me out.

Regardless, last night's victory inched us ever closer to the playoffs and represented the fourth straight game the Redbirds have taken from the Brewers. Not only that, it was also the third come from behind victory St. Louis has put together against Milwaukee in their last two consecutive series. After Wells gave up three runs off of two early homers by Prince Fielder and Geoff Jenkins, St. Louis rallied for six runs in the 5th inning and Wells retired twelve straight to yield a final score of 12-4. Jimmy Edmonds was 4 for 6 and Albert Pujols got on base five times via three singles, a walk and getting hit by a pitch. Rick Ankiel was relatively quiet going 1 for 6 with three strikeouts, but it hardly mattered. Hell, Mr. Kip Wells himself went 2 for 3 and drove in two runs! Add to that a valiant loss by Chicago to the Reds and we have ourselves an interesting scenario. With two more games against Milwaukee and then a four game series at Wrigley this weekend, it would be BEAUTIFUL to see the Birds take advantage of the apathy in our division and start elbowing our way into contention. Despite how dire this whole season has been, it's actually a legitimate possibility. Until now, I thought the Cardinals had as much of a chance getting within striking distance of the Brewers as Carlos Zambrano did of successfully completing anger management therapy. Oh, how things change! Joel Pineiro takes the mound again tonight to try and gain some more ground in the NL Central and if he plays like he did against San Diego, it shouldn't be difficult to pull off. (And yes...that sentence felt incredibly weird to write.)

The strangest part of this whole progression of events is that I'm actually enjoying baseball again. I don't think I've had a homicidal/suicidal/infanticidal thought in DAYS! Not that I expect this to continue of course, but I should be able to resist pushing drunk Cubs fans in front of oncoming traffic for at least a couple of days. I am heading to Wrigley tomorrow with my grandparents, however, so these assurances mean absolutely nothing. My emotions are very fickle, you know? For the safety of everyone involved, it would probably just be best if the Cubs lost. Let's not tempt fate, shall we?

WE DID IT!!!!

I don't know who's responsible for what happened last night, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I needed that win DESPERATELY. This enables me to preserve the tiny ounce of dignity I have left after the preceding days. I know it is nothing more then a blip on the radar, but it felt sensational to clobber Jason Marquis and win JUST ONE against the Scrubbies. The relief I'm experiencing is unbelievable. We are still atrocious at the game of baseball, but the tension in my stomach has magically (although I'm sure only temporarily) evaporated. It's like we just took the division, which is pathetic in its own right. Generally, it's not a great sign when you become delirious over avoiding a sweep. We're languishing deep in third place and I'm behaving like we just simultaneously cured cancer and saved Darfur. Heaven help me, but I think I've lost my damn mind!

No matter. Last night was a fun distraction from the realities of the season and the impending series against Milwaukee. I only saw the highlights since during my pity party on Wednesday night I decided to avoid it entirely, but after prompting from my father I finally turned it on late in the game to see for myself that we had a convincing lead. After watching SportsCenter on loop a few times, I'd satisfactorily seen Chris Duncan's grand slam approximately thirteen times and let me tell you, it got no less thrilling in each subsequent viewing. It was also nice to see Pujols and Rolen get in on the action, as it's been disappointing to watch them struggle the past two days. Until now, I kind of thought they both needed a big hug and a swift kick in the rear. At this point, I'd offer them my first born.

Plus, how about that Braden Looper? I had serious misgivings about putting him in the rotation earlier this year, but as much as it pains me to say it, he's our freakin' ace! I have absolutely no issue with eating my words as long as he keeps tossing games like that. In fact, do you think it'd be appropriate to send him flowers?

Tee Hee Hee...

My, oh my, oh my! As the Cubs continue their traditional mid-season implosion, it appears that my good friend Carlos Zambrano just can't contain his emotion anymore. Just when I start to worry that he's bottling all that tension up inside, he goes nuts and starts punching Michael Barrett in the dugout. This is obviously a dramatic departure from his usual well adjusted, controlled and classy demeanor. I almost don't know how to contain my surprise! It's like I don't even know him anymore. Next thing you know, he's going to pick up an annoying habit like constantly scratching his balls every twelve seconds. But seriously...you know your season has really hit the skids when teammates start cracking each other's faces open. It's really not a good sign.

Anyway, it really can't shock anyone that this made my weekend. Well, that on top of the Cubs losing six straight and Lou Piniella FINALLY doing what we all knew was inevitable. Absolutely going bonkers and landing himself an ejection and indefinite suspension. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Lou. One has to wonder if he would have done it had he not been provoked by a reporter on Friday at the post game press conference. (I believe he was commenting on the Zambrano/Barrett debacle and was asked about his astonishing lack of on-field meltdowns this season.) I tend to think he would have at some point, (considering he is certifiably insane,) but it makes it a lot funnier to think it was premeditated. Purposely arguing an arbitrary call with the intention of getting tossed JUST to give a big "FU" to the Chicago media? Now THAT is behaving like a true pillar of good sportsmanship! My personal opinion is that he was jealous of Zambrano becoming the clubhouse "Crazed Lunatic" and felt he needed to do something dramatic to earn back the title. Well played, Lou. Well played.

I Hope The Royals Are Grateful For My Attendance

It wasn't a convincing win today, but a win nonetheless thanks to Preson Wilson's shot past the Ivy. (We still can't score any damn runs! ARGH!!!) Jason Isringhausen reminded me again of why I don't watch these things without first downing a couple horse tranquilizers and and Braden Looper continues to be one of the surprising bright spots in what's started out to be a depressing season of Cardinal baseball. What makes today even more special is I've only had TWO Cubs fans tell me that Albert Pujols takes it in the Poo-holes. Isn't that miraculous? Of course, I had another one substitute a bad Tony LaRussa/drunk driving joke, but you can't really blame him for trying. It's not his fault that Cubs fans are about as creative as my dining room table and repetitive as a stoned monkey with Alzheimers.

On another note, I detest myself. I had my company tickets for tomorrow's game given to me a few months back and then accidently planned a trip to Kansas City over the top of it. How does someone let that happen? What the hell is wrong with me? I guess the bright side is I'm going to see a Royals game tomorrow instead.

I want to punch myself in the stomach.

Absence Truly Does Make The Heart Grow Fonder

So, I leave town for a couple days and guess what? We finally win some games! WEEEEEE!! After a brief sojourn in my native Iowan town (where I can actually watch televised coverage of Cardinal baseball,) I am happy to report that we were able to take two of three from the Astros and another today against the Pirates. Adam Wainwright and Kip Wells pitched another couple of great games and Braden Looper sounded lights out today. (Back in Chicago, I'm forced to listen to the play-by-play on XM Radio.) It even appears that Mr. Albert Pujols himself is joining in on the fun! You can only imagine how much this settles my nerves. I might not even have to drink tonight. (Well, not as MUCH anyway.)

Plus, today was the home opener for the Cubs and it looks like they crapped the bed again. Considering how cold it was outside, I'm surprised so many people showed up to watch. However, on my evening commute home there were plenty of drunken morons parading around Wrigleyville tempting me to run them over. (I even saw one dude biff it and smack his head on a fire hydrant. He must have taken the loss exceptionally hard.)

This must be God's way of telling me I need to visit my parents more often. Duly noted.

I'm Having Fun Already!!

Is it a total testement to my insanity that I was more emotionally invested in the Cubs' loss yesterday then I was in the Cardinals' on Sunday? I watched nine whole innings of getting our asses handed to us as though sedated, but watched half an inning of the Zambrano Explosion and was positively giddy for the rest of the day.

Five innings, five runs and five walks.

I'm so happy! I think I need therapy.