So THAT'S How It's Gonna Be

One thing I want to make clear is the fact that I am completely aware that Jim Edmonds (formerly of the St. Louis Cardinals) plays for the Chicago Cubs. So far as I know, he's been here since May. From what I understand, he's having a pretty good go of things. That being said, I do not need to hear from every single Cubs fan that I know every single time that man takes a crap. Seriously. I have cable. I can watch SportsCenter just like every other person in the country. Sometimes when the wind blows right, I can even HEAR the joyous sounds from Wrigley. I usually assume Jim Edmonds has done something useful when my phone starts lighting up like Time freakin' Square. Basically, my point is that I am pretty much over it. He's a Cubs player. Just like Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano and Sucky Dome, I hope he doesn't hit home runs against the Cardinals. Does it make it any more painful when he does? I don't necessarily think so. A bitter pill is a bitter pill no matter who the nurse.

Anyhow, I'm already tired of this weekend and it hasn't even hardly started. My Dad and I were talking at dinner and think we're both doomed before we start. By which I mean we are pissed off before we even arrive at the gates of Wrigley. It's going to be a long day. If my Dad ends up murdering someone we are all in for a treat on Monday. Special Chicago Redbird "Jailbreak Addition"!

Free Baseball Is Exhausting

After beating up on the reigning World Series champions on both Friday and Saturday night, I was in good spirits heading to Fenway Park on Sunday afternoon. My trip to Beantown had been a raging success thus far and although I was obviously hoping for a win, I was in a good enough state of mind that I'd convinced myself I would have the mental fortitude to handle a loss with sublime grace and dignity. The fact that I didn't should come as a surprise to exactly no one. It was one of the most draining games I've ever seen! After jumping out to an early 2 run lead, the BoSox bounced back with the aid of Chris Perez who did his best Jason Isringhausen impression and walked in the go ahead run. I don't think that guy threw a single strike and I'm pretty sure he was in the game for month. At least it felt like it, anyway. Adam Kennedy knocked in the tying run in the ninth and provided new life for the Cardinals, which seemed like a great thing until we'd been sitting at Fenway for 37 hours watching a nailbiter with NO BEER. Rain showers delayed the start time by an hour, which meant they stopped selling the suds early in the 7th. I thought I was going to cry. It should be illegal to make people sit through 13 innings of something that stressful without any sort of sedative. After Chris Duncan was thrown out at home, I think several of my arteries exploded.

Further hampering my docile demeanor was the fact that there were THREE Cubs fans sitting in my section. How on earth is that even possible? I'm about ready to take out a restraining order. Not to mention the fact that I got no fewer than a 100 emails and text messages about Jim Edmonds hitting two home runs in one inning against the White Sox on Saturday. I've really got to find new friends. It's either that or go into witness protection.

ANYWAY...one thing I find interesting is that Adam Kennedy seems to come through with some clutch plays when I'm in attendance. He hit his first and only home run of the year last Saturday when I was down at Busch catching the Phillies game and of course had that heroic RBI on Sunday. Despite both of these instances, I still have zero faith in his hitting abilities whatsoever. I don't know what that means, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels that way. That has to really suck for him.

Another thing I'd like to mention is how impressed I was with the Boston fans. I went into Sunday's game expecting to get heckled and harassed mercilessly and had meager hopes of escaping without getting spit on or thrown at. Boston fans have a reputation for being kind of obnoxious, after all. However, I'm happy to say these people left me alone all day! Less one guy yelling at me that the Cardinals suck, I was able to panic and freak out in relative solitude. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is because these fans are so obsessed with all things Red Sox that it's entirely possible they didn't even know there was another team on the field. It's very difficult to say. The only thing I know for sure is that there were some prime opportunities for them to exploit my embarrassment and make fun of me and my Ankiel T-shirt, but they didn't take them. Not even when he fell on his ass in center field after overrunning a Coco Crisp fly ball. I'm starting to wonder if we were even watching the same game.

Anyway, I was heckled well and good by some of my friends in Southie after the game, but by then I was hooked up to a Tangueray and tonic IV and couldn't be bothered to put up much of a fight. Frankly, after being treated to four free innings of baseball I was exhausted. They could have started poking me with a stick and I probably wouldn't have noticed. These types of situations are just too much for a delicate little flower like myself!

Please Tell Me This Is Just A Bad Dream

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the Chicago Cubs have picked up Jim Edmonds. He is at Wrigley Field right now. Playing baseball. FOR THE CUBS. I know this has been rumored for a few days and I'm certainly not the first to say it, but DAMMIT, this just isn't right! Under no circumstances is it okay for Jim Edmonds to wear a Cubs jersey. This just upsets the natural order of things and I'll be honest...I'm not happy about it. (I know, isn't it shocking?) Ironically, I'm not sure who this bothers most: Cardinal fans or Cubs fans. From what I understand, Jimmy E isn't particularly popular in Wrigleyville. Upon mentioning his name, most of the Cubs fans I know usually spout off some variation of "Edmonds is a showboating, injury prone, excessively cocky jerkface that wears guyliner." My favorite anecdote comes from one such Cubs fan who watched Edmonds play in an afternoon game at Wrigley. In response to incessant taunting from the bleacher monkeys, Edmonds flipped up his middle finger and held it behind his back. And then at his next at-bat, he hit a homerun. I LOVE that story. I just cannot believe he's now going to be playing for these idiots. And instead of hating him, they're going to be cheering for him. I've already gotten an email from one friend today saying, "Edmonds is in center field right now. He got a hit too and is 1 for 3. I really don’t mind him and kind of like the way he goes about playing the game." Huh??? No you don't, you big liar! A week ago you called to goad me about the Padres releasing him! Until this moment, you hated him more than any other human that's ever played in the NL Central! Jim Edmonds is 100% vintage Cardinal. Like Carlos Zambrano for the Cubs, he epitomizes everything that Chicago fans hate about their St. Louis rivals and represents a quintessential part of that rivalry's history. It's agonizing that he is now going to be used against us by our most loathsome enemy. Next to the Cardinals signing Big Z Ball Scratcher himself, it's simply the most backwards acquisition I could conceivably imagine. Next thing you know, he and Zambrano are going to put aside their long and documented history of mutual detestation and become car pool buddies. (Assuming Zambrano doesn't actually EAT him before then.) Then I really won't know what to do with myself. It's physically painful to think about.

I guess the only good news is that Jimmy has not been playing well AT ALL this year. Plus, he's getting up there in the age department and has had approximately 93 concussions over the course of his career. He's not quite as sharp as he once was, let's just put it that way. He'll be injured or slumping before we know it and then Cubs fans can go back to hating him like they're supposed to.

Step #1: Closing The Gap

As the dust has cleared and the Rick Ankiel buzz has started to die down a bit over the past few days, something has become painfully evident. I'm afraid to even say it for fear of jinxing us, but our starting pitching has been...GOOD! Braden Looper, Adam Wainwright, Joel Pineiro, Anthony Reyes and even Kip freakin WELLS have come out of the woodwork over the past week to toss games that make it look like they're all competing for the Cy Young award. I don't know where this has been all season, but I don't even care! Because of this collective effort, the Cardinals appear to be a reasonably functional baseball team and rest only 4.5 games out of first place behind the Brew Crew and the Scrubbies. To be honest, it kind of freaks me out.

Regardless, last night's victory inched us ever closer to the playoffs and represented the fourth straight game the Redbirds have taken from the Brewers. Not only that, it was also the third come from behind victory St. Louis has put together against Milwaukee in their last two consecutive series. After Wells gave up three runs off of two early homers by Prince Fielder and Geoff Jenkins, St. Louis rallied for six runs in the 5th inning and Wells retired twelve straight to yield a final score of 12-4. Jimmy Edmonds was 4 for 6 and Albert Pujols got on base five times via three singles, a walk and getting hit by a pitch. Rick Ankiel was relatively quiet going 1 for 6 with three strikeouts, but it hardly mattered. Hell, Mr. Kip Wells himself went 2 for 3 and drove in two runs! Add to that a valiant loss by Chicago to the Reds and we have ourselves an interesting scenario. With two more games against Milwaukee and then a four game series at Wrigley this weekend, it would be BEAUTIFUL to see the Birds take advantage of the apathy in our division and start elbowing our way into contention. Despite how dire this whole season has been, it's actually a legitimate possibility. Until now, I thought the Cardinals had as much of a chance getting within striking distance of the Brewers as Carlos Zambrano did of successfully completing anger management therapy. Oh, how things change! Joel Pineiro takes the mound again tonight to try and gain some more ground in the NL Central and if he plays like he did against San Diego, it shouldn't be difficult to pull off. (And yes...that sentence felt incredibly weird to write.)

The strangest part of this whole progression of events is that I'm actually enjoying baseball again. I don't think I've had a homicidal/suicidal/infanticidal thought in DAYS! Not that I expect this to continue of course, but I should be able to resist pushing drunk Cubs fans in front of oncoming traffic for at least a couple of days. I am heading to Wrigley tomorrow with my grandparents, however, so these assurances mean absolutely nothing. My emotions are very fickle, you know? For the safety of everyone involved, it would probably just be best if the Cubs lost. Let's not tempt fate, shall we?

Don't Look Now...

Unless I've completely lost my mind and started hallucinating, I think the Cardinals just finished a three game sweep of the Pirates. Is this right? Is this possible? Have we actually won THREE consecutive games in a ROW??? I don't believe it!! It seems as though my little "vacation" from Cardinals baseball has finally performed it's karmic duty. You can all thank me later. I mean, we have people hitting home runs now!! Jimmy Edmonds even crushed a 425 footer to right field on Wednesday!! This is fantastic!!

Okay, so I realize I may be totally blowing this out of proportion, but even if this series was only a temporary flash of competency, it was absolutely necessary for my health and sanity. This ought to keep me from strangling myself with my Albert Pujols T-shirt until AT LEAST July. I've been walking around with the thing tied around my neck looking for a strong tree branch since we left Detroit. Can you blame me? Prior to Tuesday's game, the Redbirds were in the middle of a five game losing streak and had lost seven of their last nine. We'd sunk 10 games out and back into last place. Now, we're only one game back from the Astros and Cubs and a much more respectable 7.5 out of first. (Keep in mind, the benchmark for adequacy is still well below sea level at this point.) Dare I say, this season may have hope for us after all!! Assuming we don't crap the bed against the Nationals this weekend, I may be able to return from my self imposed hiatus and start listening to live games again. Of course, I would do this in a padded room under heavy sedation, but that's really only for the safety of the children. Turns out the young folk get really upset when you kick the dog and yell the F word repeatedly. Who knew?