Holy Crap.

As I write this, the Cardinals have just completed a trade for Matt Holliday. In return, the A's receive three prospects, including much ballyhooed third baseman, Brett Wallace, and right-hander Clayton Mortensen. I am literally speechless. When did the Redbird brass grow such gigantic balls? This is practically unheard of in St. Louis! As an organization that has historically overvalued its farm system, it is certainly a surprise for Cardinals management to give up top stud prospects for a big (read: EXPENSIVE) bat. That being said, it could be a savvy move that not only fortifies the lineup and increases this season's playoff chances, but also reassures Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols that this team is at least marginally interested in winning a couple of ball games. With pricey contract negotiations in the not-so-distant future, the front office is smart to take a proactive step in addressing Pujols and LaRussa's concerns, especially if the priority is to keep them around.

Anyway, I'm far too excited to try and be analytical right now. As a wise friend so eloquently said on his Facebook page this morning, "Suck it, Cubs fans!"

Big Z Is Big Baby

The jokes just write themselves, people. There isn't anything I can say that will do this series of events justice. In summary, Carlos Zambrano signed a $91.5M five-year contract with the Chicago Cubs, stunk up his next five starts, got booed by the fans and then cried about it.

Give me a break, Big Z. These are the most patient, pacified and complacent fans you'll find in all of baseball. Sometimes I don't even think they MIND losing they're so used to it. So COME ON!! Things must be pretty damn bad for them to react with such voracity. Generally, I don't like when fans boo their own players. It makes me uncomfortable and kind of sad. It's counter intuitive to me and I'll never really understand why fans do it or how it makes them feel better about a player or team that's struggling. I just don't see how it helps anything. However, I also think fans have the right to express their frustration and unhappiness over greedy, mouthy, egotistical hotheads that aren't pulling their weight or giving anyone reason to believe they're deserving of the big fat multi-million dollar contract they just landed. The Cubs spent the big bucks on Zambrano because they expected him to be a reliable ace. He's supposed to be the powerhouse pitcher in that rotation and if he wants to be treated that way, he needs to be playing that way. Now, I'm not saying it isn't okay for players to slump or go through some rough patches, but I AM saying it's ridiculous and ill-advised to then take it out on the people who are paying exorbitant tickets prices to sit and watch you do it. Being in the media spotlight, people like Carlos Zambrano can't afford to be quick tempered, rash and childish. You have to play for these fans for the next five years, buddy, and despite your half-assed PR generated apology, I don't think they are going to be so easy to forgive you. This becomes especially true if you can't start pitching like the guy they're paying for. It also doesn't do you any favors to tell a city of people that have been stubbornly loyal to this team for the past 99 years despite it sucking terribly that they are only thinking of themselves. Are you kidding me? Are they really supposed to feel sorry for you? Because I'm highly confident you weren't thinking about THEM when you were sitting down to ink that nearly $100M contract, you big whiner.

Anyhow, at least I'm not the only one in Chicago who hates him anymore. See, Cubs fans! I've been telling you all along, you just can't trust people that refer to themselves in the third person. At least that's what Lindsay Trumbull thinks.

Carlos Zambrano Doesn't Get Paid Enough To Annoy The Ever Loving Crap Out Of Me

I cannot STAND Carlos Zambrano. It's impossible to pinpoint when it started, but watching him play baseball makes me want to run over puppies with a lawn mower. After a couple of innings I start to sincerely believe he is to blame for everything wrong in this world, including but not limited to poverty, global warming, illiteracy, spray butter and Paris Hilton. I have several legitimate reasons for my acrimony:

1. He's whiny. Some say he's "emotional". I think that's code for "big insufferable baby that spends an inordinate amount of time scratching his balls".

2. Stuff like this. Inflated self worth is never endearing, I don't care how good he is. Not to mention the fact that he is consistently quoted referring to himself in the third person. This just REEKS of modesty, doesn't it?

3. Seriously...what's with the ball scratching? I mean, it's before and after EVERY pitch. Someone should look into getting this guy some new equipment. Or maybe some premethrin.

God Wants Jeff Suppan To Have Millions Of Dollars

This video is weird to watch. I always find the idea of professional athletes being intensely religious a bit hard to take. It's a little like seeing your fourth grade teacher at the supermarket. They aren't supposed to have real lives outside their day jobs and it's strange to see them doing anything other then what you know them for. It just ruins the allusion to hear about what these guys do and think about on a day to day basis.

It's also difficult to watch Jeff Suppan talk about "God's will" with regard to his career in baseball. He claims to "focus on his relationship with God and his relationship with his wife and let the rest sort itself out." Like that $42 million dollar contract with the Brewers? Sure, buddy. TOTALLY God's will. Way to let that sort itself out.

So, kids...the lesson here is that unless God wants you to be a multi-millionaire major league baseball player, you're screwed. Sorry about that.