My Weekend Got Progressively Better Until It Actually Blew My Mind

Good grief, I take a few days off and look what happens! The NL Central is a mess! The Cubs are in first and hanging on to a precarious 1.5 game lead over Milwaukee, the Cardinals have charged within 2 games of the lead and even jumped into second place for a brief minute yesterday, the Astros fired Phil Garner, Roy Oswalt did that thing he does by shutting out the Redbirds in his return on Wednesday, Carlos Zambrano warmed the cockles of my heart by blowing another game, Alfonso Soriano returned quietly to the Cubs lineup on Tuesday, Adam Kennedy had knee surgery, Scott Rolen missed a few games because of that nagging shoulder injury of his and amongst it all, I made my annual pilgrimage to St. Louis for the Braves series and what would turn out to be one of the greatest weekends of my summer.

When I left on Friday the Cards had just taken two of three from the Marlins and were 3 games back in the division. Spirits were high, my gas tank was full, my iPod was charged and I was ready to go! Upon arriving in St. Louis it became clear that Mother Nature wasn't NEARLY as excited about baseball as I was. It rained and rained and poured and stormed for what felt like an eternity before the game actually started. And then it only got worse as the Birds fumbled around committing a handful of errors and failing to generate nearly enough runs to support an average Kip Wells performance. Plus, a big obnoxious Cubs fan was sitting directly in front of me. Seriously. It's like these people follow me around or something. What are the freakin' odds? But anyway, my Dad and I were Crabby McCrankypants when we left Busch Stadium after that hot mess.

Fortunately, things got better on Saturday. The weather cleared up considerably, Joel Pineiro pitched well and we were able to put together a strong inning against Tim Hudson and squeak by with a 5-4 win. Plus, our seats were a little bit better and the game got over with early enough that we could go out partying with Missouri's finest until the wee hours of the morning. We even got our picture taken with Captain Morgan and saw a woman wearing a banana clip. A BANANA CLIP! I don't think I've seen one of those since 1986! Beautiful stuff, I tell ya.

However, it wasn't until Golden Day Sunday that I became positively euphoric. Those Cardinal Club tickets I mentioned a couple weeks ago? Yeah, they were the coolest seats I've ever sat in. It was physically impossible to eat and drink all the free food and beverages that were being offered and we were close enough to the field that my Mom was calling balls and strikes. If I were so compelled, I could have confessed my undying love to Albert Pujols and he would have been able to hear me. The weather was perfect, Adam Wainwright looked awesome, Jason Isringhausen didn't give me a stroke and Juan Encarnacion even hit a homerun. It was quite literally a perfect day and I don't throw that term around loosely! Add that to a couple Cubs losses over the weekend and I actually wanted to cry. If I would have been crushed by a Clydesdale that night, I could have died a happy woman. Plus, we got to pose with Fred Bird! I dare you not to be jealous.

In summary, I'm high on Cardinal fumes right now. Also, I'm kind of thinking that after Sunday, my wedding and the birth of my first born have a lot to live up to. Make of that what you will!

Step #1: Closing The Gap

As the dust has cleared and the Rick Ankiel buzz has started to die down a bit over the past few days, something has become painfully evident. I'm afraid to even say it for fear of jinxing us, but our starting pitching has been...GOOD! Braden Looper, Adam Wainwright, Joel Pineiro, Anthony Reyes and even Kip freakin WELLS have come out of the woodwork over the past week to toss games that make it look like they're all competing for the Cy Young award. I don't know where this has been all season, but I don't even care! Because of this collective effort, the Cardinals appear to be a reasonably functional baseball team and rest only 4.5 games out of first place behind the Brew Crew and the Scrubbies. To be honest, it kind of freaks me out.

Regardless, last night's victory inched us ever closer to the playoffs and represented the fourth straight game the Redbirds have taken from the Brewers. Not only that, it was also the third come from behind victory St. Louis has put together against Milwaukee in their last two consecutive series. After Wells gave up three runs off of two early homers by Prince Fielder and Geoff Jenkins, St. Louis rallied for six runs in the 5th inning and Wells retired twelve straight to yield a final score of 12-4. Jimmy Edmonds was 4 for 6 and Albert Pujols got on base five times via three singles, a walk and getting hit by a pitch. Rick Ankiel was relatively quiet going 1 for 6 with three strikeouts, but it hardly mattered. Hell, Mr. Kip Wells himself went 2 for 3 and drove in two runs! Add to that a valiant loss by Chicago to the Reds and we have ourselves an interesting scenario. With two more games against Milwaukee and then a four game series at Wrigley this weekend, it would be BEAUTIFUL to see the Birds take advantage of the apathy in our division and start elbowing our way into contention. Despite how dire this whole season has been, it's actually a legitimate possibility. Until now, I thought the Cardinals had as much of a chance getting within striking distance of the Brewers as Carlos Zambrano did of successfully completing anger management therapy. Oh, how things change! Joel Pineiro takes the mound again tonight to try and gain some more ground in the NL Central and if he plays like he did against San Diego, it shouldn't be difficult to pull off. (And yes...that sentence felt incredibly weird to write.)

The strangest part of this whole progression of events is that I'm actually enjoying baseball again. I don't think I've had a homicidal/suicidal/infanticidal thought in DAYS! Not that I expect this to continue of course, but I should be able to resist pushing drunk Cubs fans in front of oncoming traffic for at least a couple of days. I am heading to Wrigley tomorrow with my grandparents, however, so these assurances mean absolutely nothing. My emotions are very fickle, you know? For the safety of everyone involved, it would probably just be best if the Cubs lost. Let's not tempt fate, shall we?

What's This Business?

Don't look now friends, but the Cardinals of St. Louis are a mere 5.5 games out of first place and have somehow found themselves in the middle of a playoff race. WHA???? Yeah, I know. I didn't take it seriously the first time I heard it either, but I'm starting to wonder if MAYBE it could POSSIBLY be true. Rick Ankiel seems to have provided the spark our beleaguered boys needed to realize that, HEY! Winning stuff is FUN! He had two more homeruns on Saturday along with a single and a breathtaking catch out in right center field that once again served to overshadow an impressive starting pitching performance, this time by Braden Looper. I know Juan Encarnacion isn't all that pleased with his reduced playing time, but this is absolutely INSANE! Can one man single handedly turn a team around? I sort of doubt it, but I'm having fun with our new found confidence nonetheless. That spanking the "Memphis Mafia" gave the Dodgers on Sunday was one of the most fun games I've watched all season. Did we actually have anyone from our regular starting line up playing that day? For crying out loud, Ryan Ludwick shelled one into Big Mac Land and three of the guys that started weren't even on the roster at the beginning of the season! All of this has been assisted, of course, by the fact that neither Milwaukee or Chicago seem all that interested in convincingly taking the division. I mean, what is with these guys? Either one could have easily run away with it all weeks ago, but no one seems to be in any particular hurry. I suppose it could all be strategic, but somehow I don't think Lou thinks that way. And by "that way" I mean AT ALL. (Because he's a hot head, you see.)

Anyhow, we start a pretty important series tonight against the Brewers and if anyone's interested in gaining any more ground, I suggest we just keep doing what we've been doing. Kip Wells, that means you buddy!

He's Baaaaaaack!!!

I'm going to preface this post by saying that nothing here is going to sound even remotely intelligent. (By which I mean it's worse than normal.) I went to the White Sox game last night for a work related event and might have sampled too many of the suds. The sacrifices I make for my job, right? Siiiiigh.

Anyhow, I do feel it's important to note before I get carried away that Kip Wells pitched last night and didn't suck. In fact, he was pretty damn dynamite! He gave up only 6 hits and 1 run with 4 strikeouts and 0 walks. (Imagine me scratching my chin and screwing up my eyes like I'm thinking real hard.) What to make of this? No freakin idea. The guy's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He defies logic or reasonable thought, which considering my mental state today is probably a good thing. I don't want to have to think too hard or I'll hurt myself.

Speaking of improbabilities, it is with great surprise that I report the return of none other then Rick Ankiel to the Cardinals roster. He's in the starting line up tonight as an outfielder after having his contract purchased from Memphis today. Whoever woulda thunk it? I'm genuinely excited to see how he does and am pulling for him to do some damage. After the roller coaster of a career he's had it would be poetic justice to see him exorcise some past (i.e. 2000 NLDS) demons.

In other news, there's been lots of good stuff going on since my last written assault on your senses. For example, we went on a BLAZING HOT five game losing streak, including a sweep by the Nationals over the weekend. (Thank god I was wandering around Grant Park and completely ignorant.) That's kind of neat, right? Then they put our recently acquired future hall of fame hurler Mike Maroth on the DL with tendinitis in his elbow. Thankfully, our rotation is so deep we don't really need to worry about minor setbacks like this. Whew!! (Please note my sarcasm. I truly believe that at this point we could probably just throw one of the grounds crew guys up there and no one would even be able to tell the difference.)

The coolest thing the Cardinals have done this week, though, is provide with me with one of the most visually stimulating half innings I've ever seen. ESPN was gracious enough to cover our win against the Padres on Monday night so I got to see that 10 hit, 10 run 5th inning with my very own eyes. Good thing, too, as I would never have believed it otherwise. I would have assumed the media was lying to me and that it was just some far reaching conspiracy cooked up by my mom to keep me from hanging myself with a garden hose. (I wouldn't put it past her.)

Even more spectacular for me personally was the little package I got Monday from our company headquarters in Springfield. It held four tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Cardinal games I'm going down to St. Louis for at the end of the month. Why is this so awesome, you ask? Because the Sunday tickets are the Club tickets my company has behind home plate. Basically, this means I'll be chilling with Jimmy Edmond's mom all day in the VIP room eating free hot dogs and guzzling free beer. There's even a buffet before the game starts! Does it get any better then that?? I don't think so, my friend. And if you do, you are definitely wrong and probably also retarded.

Lets see...what could I possibly be forgetting? Oh yes, of course! The Cubs have lost four in a row and six of their last seven. It's a team of destiny, I tell ya! I've been saying it all along!! THE CUBS ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!! (I'm evil, I realize this.) It does seriously blow for them that Soriano's got a flat tire and Ramirez might be out for a few days with a bum wrist. It's tough to win games when your entire team is on the DL, just ask Walt Jockety. But Kerry Wood's back and throwing a few pitches, so I'm sure that pretty well cancels out all that bad stuff.

Editors Note: This has just been the strongest attempt at empathy I've made towards Cubs fans all season and quite possibly, well...ever. Turns out I'm not great at it. Directing sarcasm and bitter vitriol towards them, however? I'm like Carlos Zambrano at a baby eating competition. By the way, it really wouldn't be right if I didn't point out that he lost yesterday. I'd be pretty pleased with myself if it weren't for this stupid hang over. Damn miller light drafts will get you every time, especially when you chase em with vodka. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Suicide Watch Starts...Now!!

It isn't over yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't already had thirteen anxiety attacks, a couple of martinis and one legitimate stroke. I'm slowly becoming aware of how fortunate I am not be able to watch this on a regular basis. Until now, I haven't sat down for an hour and a half. Instead, I've been pacing across my living room and wondering how I haven't been diagnosed with Tourettes. Dammit, I HATE Carlos Zambrano. I don't know if I've made that clear, but he absolutely disgusts me. If I could pick any one person to throw into a metal crate and launch into space it would be him. ...

Anyway, I suppose even thus far it's been a moral victory for us Cardinals fans. Kip Wells didn't eat his glove or otherwise embarrass us and it appears that a few of our injured compadres are interested in winning this damn thing. For example, how about Yadier Molina catching Theriot stealing second? Ballsy move, Ryan. Foolish, but ballsy. Molina is equipped with a government certified rocket. Everyone knows that. ...

Also, Skip Schumaker is my new dreamboat. That is all.

Wait...What Just Happened?

Okay, someone help me out here. Who was our starting pitcher last night? Because I'm PRETTY SURE it wasn't Kip Wells. No, the REAL Kip Wells would not have held an opponent to just two runs in eight innings. (In fact, I'm pretty sure he has no idea what pitching into the eighth inning feels like.) Is this a joke? Did we acquire an alien byproduct of some genetic engineering experiment that just LOOKS like him? Is this still July of 2007? So many questions, so few reasonable answers. All I know is that Kip Wells (!!!) led the Cardinals to a 6-0 shutout of the Marlins last night with his most brilliant start, well, probably EVER. (Seriously. He has not won a game since May 23rd.) I'm not quite sure what to make of this development, but I can't help but think it's only temporary. He's been the stuff of nightmares all summer, so unless he's had some miraculous physical transformation, I'm not convinced I should be too terribly excited about it. Nonetheless, it made my morning to hear he didn't fall off the mound or accidentally chuck a curveball into the dugout. I do usually have to brace myself for the worst.

Someone I actually am kind of excited about is this Brendan Ryan kid. Filling in for an injured Scott Rolen, he had five assists last night and appeared to be completely comfortable at third base. With Rolen back in St. Louis investigating discomfort in his left shoulder and his usual backup Scott Spiezio out with a finger infection (what??), it's nice to know we don't have to resort to starting one of the ball boys. As my Dad pointed out this morning, if we somehow come back and take the division, we might be the first minor league team to ever make the playoffs. Of course the likelihood of that happening is about the same as me piloting a space shuttle to Mars, but it's fascinating to think about nonetheless.

On another note, does anyone else find it suspicious that Scott Rolen and Scott Spiezio keep coming down with injuries and diseases at the same time? I mean, first it was simultaneous food poisoning and now this whole "infected finger" and shoulder injury thing. Suuuuuuuurre. My bet is that they're actually back in St. Louis playing video games, eating Taco Bell and giving each other wedgies. That or they're moonlighting as mysterious super heroes out saving the world from evil forces. Both of these explanations somehow seem wildly more realistic then an infected finger. What does that even mean? I'm no doctor, but I'm highly confident that's not a legitimate injury. Does it need amputated or require extensive physical therapy? No? Then get your glove and get back on the field, you big pansy.

ROAD TRIP!!!

As the Cardinals continue their ten game road trip, only one thing comes to mind. Are we going to win any more of these damn things? I mean, it would appear we've reached our monthly quota after handily dismissing the Phillies on Sunday and beating the Marlins last night. That's two whole games in a row, people! What an unprecedented explosion of greatness! I've actually calculated the odds of us losing all six remaining games of the trip and although it's weighted by Albert Pujols being positively destructive lately and the fact that Adam Kennedy has finally figured out what he's supposed to do with that big wooden stick he carries to the plate, we do still have Kip Wells in the starting rotation. Therefore, the conservative estimate is 2:1. This should be fun, don't you think?

On another note, I've been asked by a lot of people over the last week what my thoughts are on Tony LaRussa not pinch hitting Pujols in the ninth inning of the All-Star game. (Most of these queries have come from Cubs fans, go figure.) I think I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about the All-Star game, but to reiterate, I could not possibly care less. It makes absolutely no difference to me whatsoever. The amount of attention given to this alleged "spat" between Tony and Al has been absurd. Is this at all relevant to the dismal regular season we're wallowing through right now? Is it providing any insight on how we are going to dig ourselves out of this mid-season hole and progress more ably towards the playoffs? Did it in any way resolve our nagging issues with starting pitching in the first inning or come up with creative ways to compensate for a line-up plagued by injury? No???? Well, then go pound sand, you incompetent waste of toilet water. The end result is that this matters to absolutely no one, ESPECIALLY anyone in the NL Central. (This means you, Cubs fans!) In all likelihood, no one in this division will live to see October and thereby have to suffer the indignity of NOT having home field advantage. (Oh, the TRAGEDY!!) Therefore, your commentary on this issue is serving no other purpose then to annoy the ever loving crap out of me and make me question why I don't own a handgun. Seriously. Why DON'T I own a handgun?

The Royals Are Dizzy

Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but I am rendered speechless after last night's rubber match against the Kansas City Royals. The Cards lost 17-8. 17-8!!!!!!!! I didn't realize scores like that were even possible in baseball. I mean, the games are only nine innings long. You'd have to give up ridiculous 8 and 6 run innings to manage something like that. Oh wait...

After 44 pitches, six runs and 1 1/3 innings, the Cardinals mercifully yanked starting pitcher Kip Wells from the mound. His early foibles resulted in his 11th loss (leading the majors) and an ERA that has now ballooned to a dismal 6.93. This forced the bullpen to chew through 7 2/3 innings, which yielded 11 additional runs for KC. Eight of these came in the second with another six coming in the fourth.

Conor Nicholl at MLB.com doesn't mince words, saying:

Kip Wells can't worry about his spot in the rotation or his future as a Cardinals pitcher. After his shortest performance of the season on Thursday night, Wells is only trying to be content with himself as a person.

Yikes. Perhaps instead of starting him we should just try using a tee? I don't know. I don't have the answers. However, I do know that we are running the risk of giving our opponents vertigo if we keep making them run in circles like that for three straight hours. I would imagine that Mark Teahen, Tony Pena and Emil Brown are awfully nauseous this morning. So am I, come to think of it.

I Henceforth Declare My Child ROYALTY!!

The bad news is the Cards got handed another loss last night at the hands of the Reds and three multi-RBI home runs. Kip Wells faced 27 batters, allowed eight runs, issued three walks, hit a batter and did not strike out a single hitter. Add that to the fact that once again, the line up could not manage more then three runs in a game and we have ourselves another big giant stinker at home.

Matthew Leach sums it up best:

The Cardinals are 1-7 at Busch Stadium this season. They have lost seven
out of 10 and haven't won consecutive games since a four-game winning streak
from April 8-11.

Hmmmm. That royally blows. What is a loyal Redbird fan to do to make oneself feel better? Why, you go to a Cubs game!

I managed to get my grubby mitts on tickets to last night's face-off with the Brewers and was not disappointed. Accompanied by a couple of die hard Cubbie fans, we sat just a few rows up on the left field side in spitting distance from Alfonso Soriano. (In case anyone's keeping track at home, $136 million dollars has bought the Cubs one RBI. BARGAIN!!) Rich Hill dirtied up his immaculate ERA by giving up a couple bombs to Prince Fielder and Kevin Mench and sadly, Derrek, Aramis and Alfonso could not find it in themselves to do much to counteract it. If it wasn't for the rain that started in the eighth inning you would have detected big giant tears of devastation running down my cheeks.* It's always tragic when you get taken to task by someone legitimately named Prince. In any case, Jeff Suppan was on the mound and it was nice to see what we could have kept had we somehow located $42 million extra dollars. I really should have looked harder under the couch cushions.

Anyway, it doesn't say much when the most positive part about Cardinal baseball is the Cubs sucking. Eventually, Prior might stage a gem of a comeback and then what? As amusing and almost disgusting it is to enjoy their long and miserable history, it doesn't make the Cards any freakin' better. At some point this season, I hope to genuinely get excited about MY team and stop relishing in a situation that's bound to be temporary. (I mean, seriously. Lee and Soriano are NOT going to have silent bats all season long. As many times as I wish upon a star, that just isn't going to happen.)

In closing, Prince is a fantastic name. It's right up there with Slappy, Asshat and Monkeynuts.

*Fear not, loyal friends. No tears were wasted in the viewing of this game.

Absence Truly Does Make The Heart Grow Fonder

So, I leave town for a couple days and guess what? We finally win some games! WEEEEEE!! After a brief sojourn in my native Iowan town (where I can actually watch televised coverage of Cardinal baseball,) I am happy to report that we were able to take two of three from the Astros and another today against the Pirates. Adam Wainwright and Kip Wells pitched another couple of great games and Braden Looper sounded lights out today. (Back in Chicago, I'm forced to listen to the play-by-play on XM Radio.) It even appears that Mr. Albert Pujols himself is joining in on the fun! You can only imagine how much this settles my nerves. I might not even have to drink tonight. (Well, not as MUCH anyway.)

Plus, today was the home opener for the Cubs and it looks like they crapped the bed again. Considering how cold it was outside, I'm surprised so many people showed up to watch. However, on my evening commute home there were plenty of drunken morons parading around Wrigleyville tempting me to run them over. (I even saw one dude biff it and smack his head on a fire hydrant. He must have taken the loss exceptionally hard.)

This must be God's way of telling me I need to visit my parents more often. Duly noted.