Free Baseball Is Exhausting

After beating up on the reigning World Series champions on both Friday and Saturday night, I was in good spirits heading to Fenway Park on Sunday afternoon. My trip to Beantown had been a raging success thus far and although I was obviously hoping for a win, I was in a good enough state of mind that I'd convinced myself I would have the mental fortitude to handle a loss with sublime grace and dignity. The fact that I didn't should come as a surprise to exactly no one. It was one of the most draining games I've ever seen! After jumping out to an early 2 run lead, the BoSox bounced back with the aid of Chris Perez who did his best Jason Isringhausen impression and walked in the go ahead run. I don't think that guy threw a single strike and I'm pretty sure he was in the game for month. At least it felt like it, anyway. Adam Kennedy knocked in the tying run in the ninth and provided new life for the Cardinals, which seemed like a great thing until we'd been sitting at Fenway for 37 hours watching a nailbiter with NO BEER. Rain showers delayed the start time by an hour, which meant they stopped selling the suds early in the 7th. I thought I was going to cry. It should be illegal to make people sit through 13 innings of something that stressful without any sort of sedative. After Chris Duncan was thrown out at home, I think several of my arteries exploded.

Further hampering my docile demeanor was the fact that there were THREE Cubs fans sitting in my section. How on earth is that even possible? I'm about ready to take out a restraining order. Not to mention the fact that I got no fewer than a 100 emails and text messages about Jim Edmonds hitting two home runs in one inning against the White Sox on Saturday. I've really got to find new friends. It's either that or go into witness protection.

ANYWAY...one thing I find interesting is that Adam Kennedy seems to come through with some clutch plays when I'm in attendance. He hit his first and only home run of the year last Saturday when I was down at Busch catching the Phillies game and of course had that heroic RBI on Sunday. Despite both of these instances, I still have zero faith in his hitting abilities whatsoever. I don't know what that means, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels that way. That has to really suck for him.

Another thing I'd like to mention is how impressed I was with the Boston fans. I went into Sunday's game expecting to get heckled and harassed mercilessly and had meager hopes of escaping without getting spit on or thrown at. Boston fans have a reputation for being kind of obnoxious, after all. However, I'm happy to say these people left me alone all day! Less one guy yelling at me that the Cardinals suck, I was able to panic and freak out in relative solitude. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is because these fans are so obsessed with all things Red Sox that it's entirely possible they didn't even know there was another team on the field. It's very difficult to say. The only thing I know for sure is that there were some prime opportunities for them to exploit my embarrassment and make fun of me and my Ankiel T-shirt, but they didn't take them. Not even when he fell on his ass in center field after overrunning a Coco Crisp fly ball. I'm starting to wonder if we were even watching the same game.

Anyway, I was heckled well and good by some of my friends in Southie after the game, but by then I was hooked up to a Tangueray and tonic IV and couldn't be bothered to put up much of a fight. Frankly, after being treated to four free innings of baseball I was exhausted. They could have started poking me with a stick and I probably wouldn't have noticed. These types of situations are just too much for a delicate little flower like myself!

Now THIS Is More Like It

Well you just KNEW something like this was going to happen. Things were going far too smoothly for there not to be some kind of mild catastrophe. Giving us a glimpse of the massacre that WAS the 2007 season, Joel Pineiro returned from the DL last night and promptly started to suck terribly. I think some of the Giants lineup actually started batting blindfolded just to make things interesting. After 3 2/3 agonizing innings, he had given up 10 hits (4 of which were extra base) and 6 runs. Welcome back, Joel!!!! Little Brad Thompson stopped riding his Big Wheel around the bullpen long enough to come in and stop the bleeding. He pitched 2 1/3 scoreless innings, which at least gave Cardinals fans the illusion that the Birds were back in it. They weren't, of course, and ended up losing 7-4. Oh misery, how I've missed you!

It should be noted that the Cards actually ended up splitting the series with the Giants and ended up playing one of the more entertaining games this season on Saturday afternoon. After coming back from an early 5 run deficit, Jason Isringhausen managed to cough up a 7-5 lead in the bottom of the ninth, reminding me of how he sometimes makes me want to swallow my own arm. Enter the previously slumping Chris Duncan, who graciously smacked in what would be the game winning run in the 10th and made it possible for me to avoid guzzling a gallon of unleaded. After Albert Pujols' 4 RBI trouncing of Barry Zito on Friday night, I really can't complain much. The Cards are still 9-4 and a half game ahead of the Brewers to lead the division. But honestly, it just doesn't feel right if I'm not complaining about SOMETHING.

WE DID IT!!!!

I don't know who's responsible for what happened last night, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I needed that win DESPERATELY. This enables me to preserve the tiny ounce of dignity I have left after the preceding days. I know it is nothing more then a blip on the radar, but it felt sensational to clobber Jason Marquis and win JUST ONE against the Scrubbies. The relief I'm experiencing is unbelievable. We are still atrocious at the game of baseball, but the tension in my stomach has magically (although I'm sure only temporarily) evaporated. It's like we just took the division, which is pathetic in its own right. Generally, it's not a great sign when you become delirious over avoiding a sweep. We're languishing deep in third place and I'm behaving like we just simultaneously cured cancer and saved Darfur. Heaven help me, but I think I've lost my damn mind!

No matter. Last night was a fun distraction from the realities of the season and the impending series against Milwaukee. I only saw the highlights since during my pity party on Wednesday night I decided to avoid it entirely, but after prompting from my father I finally turned it on late in the game to see for myself that we had a convincing lead. After watching SportsCenter on loop a few times, I'd satisfactorily seen Chris Duncan's grand slam approximately thirteen times and let me tell you, it got no less thrilling in each subsequent viewing. It was also nice to see Pujols and Rolen get in on the action, as it's been disappointing to watch them struggle the past two days. Until now, I kind of thought they both needed a big hug and a swift kick in the rear. At this point, I'd offer them my first born.

Plus, how about that Braden Looper? I had serious misgivings about putting him in the rotation earlier this year, but as much as it pains me to say it, he's our freakin' ace! I have absolutely no issue with eating my words as long as he keeps tossing games like that. In fact, do you think it'd be appropriate to send him flowers?

It's Bedlam!!!

Okay, so much good stuff right now. First of all, Derrek Lee went all Carlos Zambrano today and attempted to beat the crap out of Padres pitcher Chris Young. This resulted in a bench clearing brawl that the real Carlos Zambrano CLEARLY could not resist. It is seriously something I usually only imagine in my head, except it really happened. So freaking funny.

Secondly, the Cardinals decided to have an offensive orgasm and scored ten runs in the fifth inning today. This almost makes me forget that they gave up 14 last night. Almost, but not quite. As thrilled as I am, how is it that a team gives up 17 runs one game and 14 the next??? Sweet mother of Jesus.

Anyhow, I do not want that to take away from the fact that tonight was AWESOME. I would probably make out with Chris Duncan right now if the opportunity presented itself. I also saw a Cubs fan get hit by a car on my way home this afternoon. I was far more sympathetic then I ever thought I would be. This was strange, considering I really always wanted one for a hood ornament. I don't know what this means, but I imagine I'll spend the rest of the evening drinking rum and cokes and listening to Van Halen. It seems like the only appropriate response to a day of such magnitude. You might as well JUMP!!!

Concussions, Bursitis, Crappy Hitting...OH MY!!!

Isn't it so ironic? Just when I get the slightest taste of optimism in my mouth, I have to wash it out with the strongest martini I can find. I know I promised not to be such a pessimist, but I don't really know what else to be. I mean, just over the last couple of days both Scott Rolen and Chris Duncan were sidelined with various injuries and maladies. Excuse me for being insensitive, but WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE??? AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING??? Our starting rotation is a mess, we can't score runs when it matters and half the team is ill/injured/completely indifferent. My spirits are so low, I even turned down an opportunity to see the Cubs lose tonight. With my luck lately, they would somehow earn an automatic World Series title. Yeah, I know that doesn't make any sense, but neither does Albert Pujols only having eight...yes, EIGHT!!! home runs this year. MY FIVE YEAR OLD NEPHEW HAS EIGHT HOME RUNS THIS YEAR!!!!!!

AHEM. Okay, so my new "great attitude" resolution isn't going so well. Turns out I am unable to turn off the paranoid schizophrenic living inside of me. I said I would try, okay? I'm not perfect. Close, but not quite. Sue me.

Good News for People Who Love Bad News

Well, the good news is St. Louis finally snapped a five game losing streak this weekend. In front of an emotional home crowd, the Cards topped the Astros in their first win since Josh Hancock's passing and gave a beleaguered fan base a small taste of hope. Adam Wainwright, although far from flawless, performed more efficiently then he has in weeks giving up only 2 runs in six innings, while Chris Duncan and Albert Pujols drove home the runs necessary to secure the win. Of course, this was rendered completely irrelevant on Saturday, as they floundered about and gave up 13 runs to their whopping big fat ZERO. For those keeping track at home, that would be the team's 12th loss in 17 games. This also marked the end of Albert Pujols' 12 game hitting streak as he went 0-4. ARRGGH!!!

Ahem...sorry. This is supposed to be the optimistic and uplifting portion of this post. Continuing with the good news, Looper had another solid start on Sunday leading the Redbirds to their first series victory since coming to Wrigley in April. Scott Rolen finally got his groove on and shook himself out of an 0-25 hitting skid and Jason Isringhausen came in to save his 8th game in 9 chances. Of course, Looper was dinged for a run in the first, which continues to add to the team's consistent struggles in the first frame. They have been outscored 21-3 in the first this season. Considered collectively, the Cards have a 12 -17 record which is good enough to continue their stay in the Last Place Motel indefinitely. WOOHOOO!!!

Further exacerbating the Redbird's woes is the announcement that Chris Carpenter will be out for at least another three months as he undergoes arthroscopic surgery on his elbow. Add this to the fact that I had tickets to see the Cubs finish a sweep of the Nationals yesterday in dramatic extra innings fashion and I'm about ready to take a bath with a hair dryer. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

In summary, there is just not enough good news.

So, Cardinals really CAN fly!!

So, as I sit here waiting for Jason Marquis to throw the first pitch in St. Louis and get this weekend's Cubs vs. Cards match-up underway, I'd like to point out that Skip Schumaker is a STUD. I wasn't necessarily hot on the idea of optioning him up over John Rodriguez after spring training, but turns out I had no freakin' clue what I was talking about. (As usual.) After going three-for-five in his substitution for an ailing Chris Duncan (more on that in a minute) and jump starting what would become the Cardinals biggest comeback of the young season, Mr. Schumaker officially wins my heart. In a night where the bats were uncharacteristically hot, (at home no less!), this young gentleman came out guns a blazin' and I, for one, am thoroughly impressed. Kudos to you, fine sir.

Now, back to that Chris Duncan thing. He hit his head on the ceiling at his apartment complex in his haste to get to the game and consequently required stitches. How exactly does that HAPPEN? What makes you in such a hurry that you actually become AIRBOURNE? As confused as I am, the news doesn't surprise me that much. He just kind of seems like a guy who hits his head on things. Did you see him in right field during the post season last year????

Regardless of all of this, we should all let out a collective cheer for winning two, count 'em, TWO home games in a row! It's unprecedented!! This after Pujols did that whole manly "provide game winning hit" routine on Wednesday. He's been practicing that a lot lately and I think this kid may have a future. But like I demonstrated with the whole Skip Schumaker thing, I've been wrong before.

Anyhow, I plan on watching as much or as little of this three game series as I can without having a complete psychological breakdown. This first one is a bit of a struggle for me, seeing as stupid Jason Marquis ate us up last weekend and he's facing Anthony Reyes who has been less than convincing so far this year. On one hand, it's one of the few games I get to see over the course of the season since WGN will carry it. On the other, I may be forced to watch from between my fingers like I'm seeing a horror movie if we can't generate some offense. And I really can't stand horror movies. Call me a pussy, but who wants to watch people have really violent and awful stuff happen to them? If I was into that, I'd be a Twins fan.

Why Thank You, May I Have Another?

It sure is nice to know that we're not the only team whose closer induces heart attacks. After losing two straight games in the ninth inning, Salomon Torres is probably making calls to see Brad Lidge's therapist right about now. Yesterday, the Pirates took a 2-0 lead into the ninth where Scott Spiezio singled in two runs to take it to extra innings. Cue Skip Schumaker's sac fly in the 12th and it's game over. Then today, Chris Duncan unloads a bomb in the ninth to break a 2-2 tie and ultimately give St. Louis the win.

Whoops.

So now the Redbirds have won five of their last six and four in a row to claim a share of first place in the central division. Thanks, Salomon!

In his defense, I think that being a closer has got to be about the most thankless position in baseball. Minor mistakes can hurl situations completely out of control and efficient outs don't necessarily inspire a showering of gratitude. There is virtually no room for error and it's safe to say that no matter how many 1-2-3 outings a guy has, fans are always going to more vividly remember the catastrophic ones. It's easy to credit the collective team effort for an especially satisfying win, yet in a crippling loss it usually just feels better to blame one guy. Unfortunately for them, no matter how quiet the bats are or how sloppy the defense, the closer is the easiest and most likely of targets.

Which is why I'm surprised most of these guys don't turn into homicidal maniacs. In fact, until someone can prove to me that Jason Isringhausen doesn't have a closet full of automatic weapons, I'm steering clear the hell away from St. Louis.