I Might Vomit

Okay, I was not AT ALL prepared for this.

I acknowledged and subsequently succumbed to the Cardinals' mediocrity WEEKS ago, convinced that no further joy could be gleaned from a season thats only consistency has been it's inconsistency. Just when I'd come to terms with the fact that my Redbirds wouldn't live to see .500 this year, they came out of absolute nowhere and RUINED EVERYTHING! As a result of Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina finishing off a sweep of the Brewers, we have now won five games in a row, seven of our last eight, eight of our last ten and six in a row against Milwaukee. (It's obviously unnecessary to point out, but this is the most substantial hot streak we've had all season.) Wainwright was positively TERRIFYING as he cruised through seven scoreless innings and Molina slapped two homeruns to provide the only offense that was necessary. After a five run attack on the Brewer bullpen in the ninth assured Jason Isringhausen another day off, Troy Percivel fanned two straight in the ninth to complete the shut out. Thank heavens for that, too. The good news helped me stomach having to sit through a nauseating beat down of the Reds pitching staff yesterday, as it combined to give up 20 hits and twelve runs, including seven scored in the 7th inning alone. I was encouraged early when Jason Marquis gave up a four run lead in the third, yet sadly it was not meant to be. It just so happened that today, Cincinnati's pitching was worse then Chicago's. Tough break, really.

Anyhow, I think I'm actually going to pass out. I'm reminded once again of how stressful it is to be in contention. Losing is easy, because you sort of become numb to it. Once you know the playoffs are entirely out of your reach, those losses don't hurt so much anymore because they don't really matter anyway. At that point, what does it matter if you end the season five games below .500 or twenty games below .500? No wonder Cubs fans are always so happy to call themselves the "lovable losers". The poor bastards are practically sedated by sucktitude! Everything changes, however, when it becomes clear that just a few more notches in the win column could potentially propel us into the postseason. Going into this four game series against the Cubs this weekend, I'm a total nervous wreck! I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack all morning, because low and behold, this series actually MEANS something! Not even a little part of me was expecting this. Dear god, someone get me a ventilator. And a barf bag. And maybe some muscle relaxers. I don't think I can take it!

Regardless of my unstable physical and mental condition, Braden Looper and Rich Hill are going at it right now in the series opener. I will more then likely be hiding under something heavy for the remainder of the afternoon.

WE DID IT!!!!

I don't know who's responsible for what happened last night, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I needed that win DESPERATELY. This enables me to preserve the tiny ounce of dignity I have left after the preceding days. I know it is nothing more then a blip on the radar, but it felt sensational to clobber Jason Marquis and win JUST ONE against the Scrubbies. The relief I'm experiencing is unbelievable. We are still atrocious at the game of baseball, but the tension in my stomach has magically (although I'm sure only temporarily) evaporated. It's like we just took the division, which is pathetic in its own right. Generally, it's not a great sign when you become delirious over avoiding a sweep. We're languishing deep in third place and I'm behaving like we just simultaneously cured cancer and saved Darfur. Heaven help me, but I think I've lost my damn mind!

No matter. Last night was a fun distraction from the realities of the season and the impending series against Milwaukee. I only saw the highlights since during my pity party on Wednesday night I decided to avoid it entirely, but after prompting from my father I finally turned it on late in the game to see for myself that we had a convincing lead. After watching SportsCenter on loop a few times, I'd satisfactorily seen Chris Duncan's grand slam approximately thirteen times and let me tell you, it got no less thrilling in each subsequent viewing. It was also nice to see Pujols and Rolen get in on the action, as it's been disappointing to watch them struggle the past two days. Until now, I kind of thought they both needed a big hug and a swift kick in the rear. At this point, I'd offer them my first born.

Plus, how about that Braden Looper? I had serious misgivings about putting him in the rotation earlier this year, but as much as it pains me to say it, he's our freakin' ace! I have absolutely no issue with eating my words as long as he keeps tossing games like that. In fact, do you think it'd be appropriate to send him flowers?

So, Cardinals really CAN fly!!

So, as I sit here waiting for Jason Marquis to throw the first pitch in St. Louis and get this weekend's Cubs vs. Cards match-up underway, I'd like to point out that Skip Schumaker is a STUD. I wasn't necessarily hot on the idea of optioning him up over John Rodriguez after spring training, but turns out I had no freakin' clue what I was talking about. (As usual.) After going three-for-five in his substitution for an ailing Chris Duncan (more on that in a minute) and jump starting what would become the Cardinals biggest comeback of the young season, Mr. Schumaker officially wins my heart. In a night where the bats were uncharacteristically hot, (at home no less!), this young gentleman came out guns a blazin' and I, for one, am thoroughly impressed. Kudos to you, fine sir.

Now, back to that Chris Duncan thing. He hit his head on the ceiling at his apartment complex in his haste to get to the game and consequently required stitches. How exactly does that HAPPEN? What makes you in such a hurry that you actually become AIRBOURNE? As confused as I am, the news doesn't surprise me that much. He just kind of seems like a guy who hits his head on things. Did you see him in right field during the post season last year????

Regardless of all of this, we should all let out a collective cheer for winning two, count 'em, TWO home games in a row! It's unprecedented!! This after Pujols did that whole manly "provide game winning hit" routine on Wednesday. He's been practicing that a lot lately and I think this kid may have a future. But like I demonstrated with the whole Skip Schumaker thing, I've been wrong before.

Anyhow, I plan on watching as much or as little of this three game series as I can without having a complete psychological breakdown. This first one is a bit of a struggle for me, seeing as stupid Jason Marquis ate us up last weekend and he's facing Anthony Reyes who has been less than convincing so far this year. On one hand, it's one of the few games I get to see over the course of the season since WGN will carry it. On the other, I may be forced to watch from between my fingers like I'm seeing a horror movie if we can't generate some offense. And I really can't stand horror movies. Call me a pussy, but who wants to watch people have really violent and awful stuff happen to them? If I was into that, I'd be a Twins fan.

MLB - Cards + Royals - Coppertone = GOOD TIMES!!

Even though I was down in Kansas City this past weekend, I was still able to keep pretty solid tabs on those wily Redbirds. (Which is a nothing short of a miracle considering how much I had to drink.) I was able to monitor Friday's match up via Gameday on my computer before I left town and the scoreboard at Kauffman Stadium kept me abreast of Saturday's disaster. Yesterday's was the only one I was near a television to see, but boy, was it worth it! I love me some game winning home runs!! WEEEEE!!! God help anyone that faces Albert in that kind of situation. He's just scary good at launching balls into the stratosphere and making closing pitchers cry. It's pretty much my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

Also, despite being permanently disfigured from sitting in the sun all day Saturday, I really got a solid deal. In forfeiting tickets to the Cards game at Wrigley, I was able to avoid a disgusting abortion of a game in which we could not manage to score a single run against Jason "Out of Control" Marquis. I shudder to think about how obnoxious that would have been to see in person. I simply don't have the constitution for it. Instead, I got to sit outside in sunny 80 degree weather drinking beers with some of my greatest college pals and watching a game that didn't induce heart failure. Unfortunately for all 19 Royals fans in attendance, the Twins ended up winning, but it was an exciting game to see nonetheless. I got to see former Cardinals Mark Grudzielanek and Reggie Sanders and didn't have a single anxiety attack all day! (Except for when Mark Teahen hit a home run and fireworks suddenly started going off in the outfield. I nearly crapped my pants.)

Ultimately, it could not have turned out any better. I got to see a major league ballgame, didn't have to watch the Cardinals lose to the Cubs and was rewarded with St. Louis taking two of three at Wrigley. So minus the reconstructive surgery I'm going to need to fix the third degree sunburn all over my body, this weekend was a raging success. Hooray, Royals!!

So, Tony Likes to Kick a Few Back

Much has been said about Tony LaRussa and his whole "falling asleep at the wheel" incident. Well, here are some of my theories on how this all transpired.

1. He was exhausted after watching 19 consecutive hours of game film with Albert Pujols.
2. He realized that letting Jason Marquis go was a huge mistake and fell into a tragic shame spiral. (Just kidding!)
3. He just got done playing a drinking game that required him to drink every time Jason Isringhausen blew a save last year. (Which means he cheated, of course, because otherwise he would have been far more intoxicated then the 0.093 BAC would suggest.)
4. He was still celebrating that whole World Series Championship of ours.