Don't Panic!!!!

Good grief, the past three days have been depressing. In addition to the stock market tanking and my liver fighting Vegas induced atrophy, the Cards lost three in a row to the Phillies. I'm pretty sure this combination makes me a poor and fragile loser, which I dislike intensely. I imagine this must be how Cubs fans feel. It's unsettling. After a series of texts with Dad last night, in which I whined about these recent failures, he finally talked me down from the ledge by reminding me that the big pictures is still rosy for the Redbirds and that the Cubs are absolutely terrible. It cheered me slightly, I admit. I was able to sleep last night knowing that the Pirates swept the Scrubbies and pummeled them 11-1 in the finale. However, this losing crap needs to come to a stop! I've become quite accustomed to and comfortable with the Cardinals winning lots of baseball games, and I'm actually a much nicer person when this happens with regularity. Remember the sociopath I became during the 2008 season? NOBODY WANTS THAT! I fear for my friends, family and co-workers if this shame spiral continues any longer. As in, I fear I will no longer have any.

Regardless, the season lumbers on tonight as the Birds fly west across Pennsylvania to visit the Pirates. One can only hope they have a little more success on this end of the state. After three consecutive days of bad news, I could use a little pick me up. It's either that or I start swearing at the TV again, which my mother assures me is done enough by my father for all of us. We have a very special family.

I Don't Like to Vacuum, But I LOOOOVE To Sweep!

Whew, that was close! Things looked as though they were going to get a little hairy last weekend, what with the Cardinals losing two of three to the Giants (their first series loss of the season) and the Cubs sweeping their three game visit to Milwaukee. But don't worry, people, it was simply a FALSE ALARM! Sure, I did go to the Cubs game on Monday night and nearly acquired hypothermia while the Nats bullpen kindly walked in the game winning run in the bottom of the 10th. Sure, Adam Wainwright wasn't QUITE as sharp today as he's otherwise been this season. However, some balance has been restored in the world over the past couple of days, as the wily Redbirds pounded on the last place Atlanta Braves for four straight games (making this a five game winning streak), while the Cubs lost their next two to Washington and don't appear likely to close the 8 run hole they are currently in against Arizona. And remember how I used to pick on David Freese? Well, that's all water under the bridge now, after his heroic 6 RBI game today. Congratulations, Mr. Freese! You've been exonerated for all of the random stuff I've been stubbornly holding against you for the past several weeks, which I'm sure is a HUGE relief. Now, if all goes according to plan, this ought to prop the Cards 5.5 games in front of the now third place Baby Bears and 4.5 ahead of second place Cincinnati. Not a bad place to be, if I do say so myself. Not a bad place at ALL. What is most definitely a bad place? The bleachers at Wrigley Field. Just ask this girl, who had to learn the hard way that you can't punch strangers in the face at the ballpark. Now, I know what you're thinking. Exceptions should definitely be made to that rule which excuse the savage beating of white trash Cubs fans. I completely agree with you, although I'm unfortunately having a tough time getting that legislation through Congress.

Anyhow, I'm likely going to miss all baseball related activities this weekend, as I'm jetting off to another potentially "bad" place. I've never been to Las Vegas before, but based on everything I learned from the movie "The Hangover", I'm probably going to end up roofied, married and/or missing a limb. Much like the Wrigley Field bleachers, it seems the laws of nature prevent one from leaving that town with any semblance of sobriety or dignity. Although if you look at the bright side, it's nice to know that these years of suffering amongst the Cub fan bleacher monkeys are finally going to pay off. It's been like Las Vegas boot camp, which probably comes off as more of a compliment than I intended. Because I hate them, you see. I just want to make sure that's clear.

Get Outta Town!

I must have done something really awesome in a previous life to deserve this lovely bouquet of karmic glory that I'm enjoying right now. My cell phone essentially had a seizure last night, as the texts and calls poured in to share the news that Carlos Zambrano's reign of terror has been temporarily suspended, as he has been removed from the Cubs starting rotation and relegated to the bullpen. He is now, in all liklihood, the highest paid human to ever babysit Jeff Samardzija. It's a fantastic turn of events, though. Just think of all the new stuff he can beat up out there! The dugout watercoolers had to be getting a little rote for the guy. This new gig presents him with a tremendous opportunity to display his creativity and take his temper tantrums to the next level. Carlos Marmol, you best take note! You don't know if he's going to use you as a punching bag or a WEAPON!

In other news, Carp fanned ten over 7 plus innings last night in the Cards 9-4 win over the D'backs. Colby Rasmus couldn't keep the ball in the yard if he tried, while Skip Schumaker busted his slump with a three run homer in the ninth. This capped off a 5 run 9th inning, which gave the Birds a lead that the bullpen was miraculously able to maintain. Woohoo!!! This series victory keeps the hot streak alive, as the Cards now sit 2.5 games in first place, maintain the best record in the national league and lay claim to all five of their series this season. I have to keep telling myself that it's only going to go downhill from here, otherwise I'd probably start being nice to Cubs fans or something equally reprehensible. And I just don't think I want to live in a world where that kind of thing happens.

I Could Get Used To This Winning Stuff

After the first four series of this young season, I have to admit I'm pretty tickled about the state of affairs in Baseball Land. This weekend we got to see the Chicago Scrubbies lose two of three to the hapless Astros, which was especially satisfying after all of the crap my boss gave me on Friday afternoon. After what would end up being the Cubs lone win of the weekend, he proceeded to heckle me incessantly about the Cards losing to Houston the day before. His twisted logic was that because Houston earned their first win of the year against the Cards (9 games into the season, mind you,) that the Redbirds were destined for failure and early season obliteration. What that reasoning says about the Cubs losing the next two in a row to Houston? I don't like to speculate, but I'd guess a team wide outbreak of spinal meningitis. I like to be conservative with stuff like this.

In other happy news, the Cardinals took two of three from the Metropolitans of New York this weekend, improving their record to 8-4. They have now won two of three in all four of their first series, which is encouraging to be sure. Carpenter pitched a strong seven innings on Friday and allowed Felipe Lopez's seventh inning grand slam to seal the deal and send us to bed happy. Enter Saturday night's epic 20 inning showdown, where Johan Santana, Jaime Garcia and what seemed like every single member of every bullpen in the National League battled it out for 18 scoreless frames before St. Louis finally succumbed 2-1. Position players were pitching, pitchers were in the outfield, it was SHEER BEDLAM!!! I'm surprised Big Mac didn't play a couple of outs. Or one of the announcers. Or maybe even my great aunt Betsy. I actually thought my brain was going to catch on fire just trying to keep track of it all. "Joe Mather is doing WHAT? Kyle Lohse is WHERE?" Even more impressive is that Yadier Molina caught that entire damn game, which you'd think would require him to have immediate reconstructive knee surgery. Then again, he's probably made of tougher stuff than most of us. I would have passed out halfway through the second inning, although that probably doesn't say as much about his vim and vigor as it does about my athletic limitations. I'm quite the delicate creature, you know.

Finally, Adam Wainwright pitched a complete game last night and picked up the W on the heels of Colby Rasmus and Ryan Ludwick homeruns, himself scoring a run after an 8th inning double. He was positively terrifying as the night wore on. I swear, he could have pitched another five innings, he just was that in control those last few at bats. In any case, Brad Penny takes the mound tonight in Arizona, so hopefully these guys keep it up. The bullpen should be rested again, so hopefully Waino's performance will allow Penny a few innings of relief if he needs it. Although wishing for a Jason Motte appearance is sort of like hoping to get a canker sore. By which I mean, nobody actually does that.

I Like Big BATS and I Cannot Lie...

I've been putting this post off for a while now, (lest I jinx myself and force the Cardinals into a 10 game skid,) but the recent rash of awesomeness definitely warrants mentioning. As a seasoned skeptic, I'm not usually convinced that Redbird success is anything other than a total fluke. However, as the month of August wears on, I'm starting to subscribe to the theory that we might actually have a skilled, well balanced and fully synchronized group of ballplayers on our hands. The Birds have won 7 of their last 10 and now sit 4.5 games in first place ahead of the shame spiraling baby bears of Chi-town. It's an intoxicating feeling, to be sure. Hell, I hardly know what to do with myself! I think I could even hug a Cubs fan, although that might be taking it a little too far. Let's not get carried away here, people.

Speaking of the Scrubbies, those poor bastards have now lost five in a row, including a sweep by the Phillies at home. YIKES, that hurts! So much so that one drunken idiot in the center field bleachers decided to express his displeasure by dousing Shane Victorino with a plastic cup full of beer on Wednesday. Oh, those silly Cubs fans! Time and time again, they continue to prove themselves the poster children of class and dignity.

Anyway, I have to admit, I find this all rather uncomfortable. It's awkward to write about the Cardinals winning, as I can't muster up the sarcasm and indignant acidity that usually craft my commentary. I struggle with my analysis when it isn't spewed venomously, peppered with swear words or reduced to volatile and violent ranting. Thank goodness I'm a cynic or else this blog would be in some serious trouble! As great as things are going, I'm obviously completely convinced this will be the happiest I'm allowed to be all season. There's no way I get to coast through the rest of the year in a blissful state of euphoria, right? In fact, I'm going to go ahead and predict that things will go horribly wrong in September. By which I mean, cataclysmically, tortuously and mind meltingly WRONG. Chris Carpenter will fall down a flight of stairs, Albert Pujols will poke his eye out with a Sharpie, Matt Holliday will choke to death on a chicken wing and Tony LaRussa will be diagnosed with a rapidly progressing form of Alzheimer's that will prevent him from being able to tell the difference between a scorecard and a recipe for tater tot casserole. Despite this, the Cards will somehow take the wild card and then lose in the first round of the playoffs to the Dodgers.

Holy crap, I think I just gave myself a stroke.

SWEEP-A-DOODLE!!!!

Holy freakin' hell. The Cardinals just completed a sweep of the Chicago Scrubbies. Did anyone else see this? I'm completely blinded by euphoria. My roommate was equally ecstatic, by which I mean, she posted her very first Facebook status update tonight about the Redbird's success. And I quote, "Sweeeep it up Redbirds! Show these baby bears who's boss." I have to say, she's a loyal Rick Ankiel fan. In so much, that her fantasy baseball name is "Sprained My Ankiel". Plus, she has a shirt with his name on it. Without giving too much away, she wants to have his babies. I commend her. Bravo, young lady! As soon as he recovers from mashing his face into the center field wall, we'll be in business. Anyway, I've gotten off course. The whole point of this post is to gloat over how the Cards won three games in a row against he Cubs. What. The. F!@#??? Although we have serious problems doing that thing where people smack baseballs, run around and score runs, our starting pitching has been nothing short of....awesome? It feels weird to say. Joel Piniero isn't supposed to be good, but has been. Todd Wellemeyer isn't supposed to be good, but he pitched a couple of the only wins we've had in May. Chris Carpenter came back last night and reminded everyone how much fun it is to watch him destroy human confidence. And Adam Wainwright? Oh my sweet lord, he came back from a few frosty games early in the month to pitch a game tonight where he spent 8 2/3 innings on the mound. My phone has been exploding with fun tonight. The only downer has been a Cubs friend of mine who has expressed a bit of intestinal discomfort. BUMMER.

In any case, I'm headed to another wedding tomorrow and this is a terrific way to start my long weekend. The fact that Adam Wainwright didn't win American Idol is downright criminal.

Oh, You Poor Idiot Cubs Fans

My Dad sent me the above video this morning and even though it is only remotely related to baseball, I found the punch line funny enough to post it here anyway. It seems the Cubs are the butt of a lot of jokes these days. Apparently that's what happens when you choke away a National League best record in three quick playoff games, thereby extending your World Series drought to a nice and shiny 100 years. What a pity! Couldn't happen to a bigger bunch of douchenozzles.

Anyhow, as you can imagine, it's awfully quiet on the streets of Chicago this week. With both the Cubs and White Sox getting brutally eliminated from the playoffs, no one around here is particularly interested in talking about baseball. Which is really too bad, as I have SO MUCH TO SAY! I'm finding it rather difficult to control myself, if I'm being honest. Watching the Cubs get swept out of the playoffs was so much fun, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite hobbies. And that joy is nearly impossible to bottle up, my friends! It's a damn shame that I don't have more people to share it with. In any case, I suppose the important thing is that at long last, this national nightmare is OVER. There will be no more obnoxious Cubs fans yapping in my ear about how "this is the year" and how "it's gonna happen". Clearly, my friends, you've been mistaken. You must have forgotten which team you were cheering for.

What's This Business?

Don't look now friends, but the Cardinals of St. Louis are a mere 5.5 games out of first place and have somehow found themselves in the middle of a playoff race. WHA???? Yeah, I know. I didn't take it seriously the first time I heard it either, but I'm starting to wonder if MAYBE it could POSSIBLY be true. Rick Ankiel seems to have provided the spark our beleaguered boys needed to realize that, HEY! Winning stuff is FUN! He had two more homeruns on Saturday along with a single and a breathtaking catch out in right center field that once again served to overshadow an impressive starting pitching performance, this time by Braden Looper. I know Juan Encarnacion isn't all that pleased with his reduced playing time, but this is absolutely INSANE! Can one man single handedly turn a team around? I sort of doubt it, but I'm having fun with our new found confidence nonetheless. That spanking the "Memphis Mafia" gave the Dodgers on Sunday was one of the most fun games I've watched all season. Did we actually have anyone from our regular starting line up playing that day? For crying out loud, Ryan Ludwick shelled one into Big Mac Land and three of the guys that started weren't even on the roster at the beginning of the season! All of this has been assisted, of course, by the fact that neither Milwaukee or Chicago seem all that interested in convincingly taking the division. I mean, what is with these guys? Either one could have easily run away with it all weeks ago, but no one seems to be in any particular hurry. I suppose it could all be strategic, but somehow I don't think Lou thinks that way. And by "that way" I mean AT ALL. (Because he's a hot head, you see.)

Anyhow, we start a pretty important series tonight against the Brewers and if anyone's interested in gaining any more ground, I suggest we just keep doing what we've been doing. Kip Wells, that means you buddy!

Another Reason Why I Hate The Cubs

My existence here in Chicago is really quite ironic. I mean, for as much as I detest the Chicago Cubs, they sure do seem to be involved in an awful lot of my day-to-day activities. More and more often, I find them obnoxiously pervading the many facets of my life. For example, I live about a mile northeast and work about a 1/2 mile southwest of Wrigley Field. This means that every time the Cubs play a night game, I'm driving directly through all the disillusioned fans that are making their way to the park. Aside from the fact that apparently none of them grasp the idea of crosswalks or traffic signals, this doesn't usually present a problem. However, the plucky little entrepreneurs hawking parking spots all over the neighborhood are starting to slowly drive me insane. These people stand in the middle of the road with their signs and flags advertising $25 parking and I seriously wonder how they make it through rush hour without being hospitalized. The next time I have a bad day at the office these idiots will inevitably be out on the street and I will have no choice but to select one and park my car on his face. And you better believe I'm not paying him $25 for the pleasure.

It's Bedlam!!!

Okay, so much good stuff right now. First of all, Derrek Lee went all Carlos Zambrano today and attempted to beat the crap out of Padres pitcher Chris Young. This resulted in a bench clearing brawl that the real Carlos Zambrano CLEARLY could not resist. It is seriously something I usually only imagine in my head, except it really happened. So freaking funny.

Secondly, the Cardinals decided to have an offensive orgasm and scored ten runs in the fifth inning today. This almost makes me forget that they gave up 14 last night. Almost, but not quite. As thrilled as I am, how is it that a team gives up 17 runs one game and 14 the next??? Sweet mother of Jesus.

Anyhow, I do not want that to take away from the fact that tonight was AWESOME. I would probably make out with Chris Duncan right now if the opportunity presented itself. I also saw a Cubs fan get hit by a car on my way home this afternoon. I was far more sympathetic then I ever thought I would be. This was strange, considering I really always wanted one for a hood ornament. I don't know what this means, but I imagine I'll spend the rest of the evening drinking rum and cokes and listening to Van Halen. It seems like the only appropriate response to a day of such magnitude. You might as well JUMP!!!

Tee Hee Hee...

My, oh my, oh my! As the Cubs continue their traditional mid-season implosion, it appears that my good friend Carlos Zambrano just can't contain his emotion anymore. Just when I start to worry that he's bottling all that tension up inside, he goes nuts and starts punching Michael Barrett in the dugout. This is obviously a dramatic departure from his usual well adjusted, controlled and classy demeanor. I almost don't know how to contain my surprise! It's like I don't even know him anymore. Next thing you know, he's going to pick up an annoying habit like constantly scratching his balls every twelve seconds. But seriously...you know your season has really hit the skids when teammates start cracking each other's faces open. It's really not a good sign.

Anyway, it really can't shock anyone that this made my weekend. Well, that on top of the Cubs losing six straight and Lou Piniella FINALLY doing what we all knew was inevitable. Absolutely going bonkers and landing himself an ejection and indefinite suspension. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Lou. One has to wonder if he would have done it had he not been provoked by a reporter on Friday at the post game press conference. (I believe he was commenting on the Zambrano/Barrett debacle and was asked about his astonishing lack of on-field meltdowns this season.) I tend to think he would have at some point, (considering he is certifiably insane,) but it makes it a lot funnier to think it was premeditated. Purposely arguing an arbitrary call with the intention of getting tossed JUST to give a big "FU" to the Chicago media? Now THAT is behaving like a true pillar of good sportsmanship! My personal opinion is that he was jealous of Zambrano becoming the clubhouse "Crazed Lunatic" and felt he needed to do something dramatic to earn back the title. Well played, Lou. Well played.