So THAT'S How It's Gonna Be

One thing I want to make clear is the fact that I am completely aware that Jim Edmonds (formerly of the St. Louis Cardinals) plays for the Chicago Cubs. So far as I know, he's been here since May. From what I understand, he's having a pretty good go of things. That being said, I do not need to hear from every single Cubs fan that I know every single time that man takes a crap. Seriously. I have cable. I can watch SportsCenter just like every other person in the country. Sometimes when the wind blows right, I can even HEAR the joyous sounds from Wrigley. I usually assume Jim Edmonds has done something useful when my phone starts lighting up like Time freakin' Square. Basically, my point is that I am pretty much over it. He's a Cubs player. Just like Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano and Sucky Dome, I hope he doesn't hit home runs against the Cardinals. Does it make it any more painful when he does? I don't necessarily think so. A bitter pill is a bitter pill no matter who the nurse.

Anyhow, I'm already tired of this weekend and it hasn't even hardly started. My Dad and I were talking at dinner and think we're both doomed before we start. By which I mean we are pissed off before we even arrive at the gates of Wrigley. It's going to be a long day. If my Dad ends up murdering someone we are all in for a treat on Monday. Special Chicago Redbird "Jailbreak Addition"!

It's About Damn Time

As a result of his complete inability to stop colossally screwing everything up, Jason Isringhausen has finally and MERCIFULLY been yanked as the Cardinal's closer. This man has been giving me stress induced asthma attacks for years now and it would be difficult for me to pinpoint a time that I didn't believe that even the games he DOES save aren't total freak accidents. I have not once felt comfortable with him coming onto the mound, particularly in a close game. My mom will actually leave the room when he comes in, as the tension emanating from my dad and me is absolutely palpable. No lead is big enough going into the ninth inning when you know Izzy is going to be responsible for maintaining it. Which is too bad, really. He does, after all, lead the National League with 11 saves this year. However, he's also tied for the most BLOWN saves in the NL with 5. Brand new and shocking information this is NOT. The poor guy just cannot help himself from giving up game winning runs of any and every variety. Maybe I just don't appreciate the subtle nuances of his pitching style. Maybe in some alternate "Isringhausen Universe" it is somehow strategically favorable to avoid a one-two-three inning. But I doubt it.

Tony LaRussa is calling this a "mental break." Whatever, you say, dude. I mean, no one within the Cardinals organization can really just come out and say that Isringhausen sucks at his job, but that doesn't mean I don't fervently believe this to be true. There is not one single player on the entire Cardinals roster that has caused me to clutch my head in my hands and make the guttural sound of a moose suffering from severe food poisoning more frequently than him. He has forced me to say a LOT of swear words over the last several seasons. A LOT of swear words. Perhaps this little respite of his will allow me to expand my vocabulary to include rhetoric that WON'T get me kicked out of public places or threatened with jail time.

And So It Begins...

So, Opening Day has come and gone (and come and gone again) resulting in an inaugural St. Louis loss for the second year in a row. If we're taking that as an indicator of what's to come this season, we are in for a looooong year. Being the eternal optimist that I am, however, I choose to ignorantly believe that it's only going to be slightly more depressing then an episode of that show Intervention. (Which, by the way, is absolute NIGHTMARE FUEL. Why would I EVER want to see homeless people inject themselves with heroin?) What looked so very promising on Monday quickly evaporated when a monsoon blew through and washed away our 4 run lead, a Pujols homerun and 2 Ankiel RBIs. An almost certain win courtesy of Adam Wainwright was wiped from the books after three innings and postponed until last night. Then, despite seven shutout innings from Kyle Lohse, our lineup could not overcome the pitching legend that IS Kip Wells. He inexplicably allowed only one run off of a Yadier Molina homerun, beginning what is sure to be another season of him runing my life. And he doesn't even play for us anymore. ARRRGH!! ANYWAY, moving on... the bullpen then helpfully coughed up two runs in the eighth, which was in typical Cardinals fashion, the only offensive output our opponent needed to put our first notch in the L column. Oh, I know. I couldn't believe it either.

I was also disappointed that I didn't get to see the Zambrano Explosion on Monday. That big smug ass only gave up 3 hits and a single walk in his 6 2/3 innings before Kerry Wood came in and rendered that performance GLORIOUSLY irrelevant by choking up three runs in the 9th. That Kosuke Fukudome guy (who will from this point forward be referred to as Sucky Dome in an attempt to resist using a more obvious expletive based nickname. I'm mature!) made things exciting as he launched an Eric Gagne delight into the bleachers to tie it up in the bottom of the ninth. The game ended on a 10th inning Tony Gwynn, Jr. sac fly, which considered collectively is, I admit, almost as pleasing as the Zambrano Explosion itself. It's going to be the small things this year, people.

Wait For It, Wait For It....UGH

For the love of all things holy, is this seriously how things are going to be for the rest of the year? Can we please TRY to win a game every once in a while??? It really isn't funny anymore. It has gotten to the point where I either completely expect it or really don't give a damn. The only difference between now and all the games played earlier this season is my complete and utter indifference. For me, baseball season has been over for a week now. There are way too many infinitely more interesting things going in sports for me to be suicidal about a team that is going to be rendered completely irrelevant in a couple of weeks. Sadly, I write a blog about Cardinal baseball. Someone should have warned me about this.

Does anyone care about specifics? I highly doubt it, but here it goes. After chipping away at an 11-0 deficit, the Redbirds managed to come back and lose 13-11 to the Phillies last night. This was all courtesy of...huh?...wait for it...Brad Thompson? To be fair, he was only dinged for three earned runs in 3 1/3 innings. Hell, I didn't even know he played for us anymore. Ironically, Mike Maroth came in for three quick outs in the sixth, his first 1-2-3- outing since July 27th. Chalk this up to another shoulda, woulda, coulda day at the ballpark for our friendly St. Louis Cardinals. For those keeping track at home, that's 11 losses out of our last 12 tries. Christ. Is it too late to be a Padres fan?

PS: Despite everything else, the Zambrano Implosion is always amusing. See? Baseball can still be fun!

Breaking News: We May Not Be Terrific At Baseball

I gotta tell you, I had a pretty rough weekend. Watching the Cardinals struggle yet again against the Cubs made me physically ill. I'm not exaggerating. Friday night appeared as though it was going to get interesting there in the ninth inning, yet naturally ended anticlimactically for me. This in turn caused me to do the whole "screw it, I don't even care" beer binge. Several hours later, I was wandering home trying not to run face first into scaffolding or fall in front of moving cars. Saturday, I was forced to leave the bar with a tension headache after simultaneously watching the Iowa Hawkeyes get kicked in the crotch by Iowa State and the Cardinals get gobbled alive by Alfonso Soriano. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I was out with three Iowa State Cyclone/Chicago Cubs fans. The good news is, I was at a bar that supports the University of Iowa, so I was in sympathetic company. (There were even a few Redbird fans circulating around.) Also, the aforementioned Clone/Scrubs fans are genuinely nice guys. They are also very wise, as they allowed me plenty of postgame time to pout and behave like my father. One was even so kind as to buy me a drink as a peace offering. Unfortunately, none of their kindnesses helped get rid of my throbbing headache and I was home and in bed at 5:30. Sometimes I really, really hate sports. Did this stop me from rising this morning to take in an entire day of NFL goodness? Of course not. Tom Brady isn't going to ogle at himself, people. Plus, seeing as though Rex Grossman is the laughingstock of the Chicago media, SOMEONE needed to cheer the guy along. (For the record, he wasn't TOTALLY awful today.)

Anyway, I digress. The Cardinals lost again today behind another disastrous effort by Mark Mulder, who couldn't even make it out of the third inning. I'm not kidding. Every time I go to the Cardinals web site to check scores or investigate coming match-ups, I have the same reaction. Inevitably, the headline is "_____ is on the mound today to try and break Cardinal's skid." To which I mutter, "Maroth? Are you kidding me? Yeah right." Cue another loss. Next day, "Pineiro?? Okay, sure. In my dreams." Cue another loss. Next day, "Mulder??? Is this a freaking joke? No way!!" Cue another loss. Next day, "Kip Wells????? Just STAB ME IN THE THROAT ALREADY!!!!" Cue, yet another, Cardinal loss. By the time we get back around to Wainwright or Looper I'm so close to hysterics I can't even focus anymore. I'm starting to wonder why I do this to myself on purpose. Mediocrity is depressing.

So, now what? I guess despite the grim prognosis, we as St. Louis baseball fans soldier on. The season isn't over yet, unfortunately. I bet good ol' Kippy Wells has another couple of EXPLOSIVE starts in his immediate future. WEEEEE!!!! Thank GOD football is back. It's a lot more exciting to have multiple reasons for random violent and psychotic outbursts. At the very least it'll make the coroner's job a lot more interesting when they try to figure out exactly WHY I jumped off that really tall building.

We Came, We Laughed, We Cried, We Cried Harder

Well folks, there you have it. I really thought that this current losing skid had to stop at some point and that maybe somewhere along the way I'd have something inspiring to say about keeping our chins up, soldiering on, staying the course and maybe, oh I don't know, not SUCKING anymore. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened yet and I could no longer in good faith continue to ignore the stretch and the glaring possibility that it may not end.

In the wake of the whole Rick Ankiel/HGH scandal, the St. Louis Cardinals have lost seven straight games, while previously unstoppable Ankiel has gone an embarrassingly anemic 1 for 23. The Birds have slumped to five games out of first place. And that dazzling rise above .500? Yeah, much like the season, that's history as well as we've sunken to six games under.

So my question here is, WHAT THE @#$! happened? (Obviously aside from the starting rotation returning to shiteous form. Christ. What's wrong with these guys?) I mean, I'm not a total idiot. I had no grand illusions that we wouldn't eventually face plant and knock ourselves into obscurity. The big race to see who isn't the biggest loser in the NL Central is and has been a joke all along. Had we won that illustrious prize it would have proved nothing except that, hey, even ridiculously crappy teams can go to the playoffs! Even through our hot streak in August it at no point really seemed like we were a well conditioned machine clicking along efficiently at a calm, controlled and steady pace. No, it seemed much more like a drunk guy at a shooting range. The bullets were squeezing out quickly, furiously and erratically, yet inexplicably they were hitting the target more often then not. There was no logic or skill to it. We are not and have not been a good baseball team all season. Still, it's disappointing to go out like this, just as I predicted we would, in the shadow of the Ankiel allegations. It really was the final straw for a beaten and battered Cardinal Nation. Players, management and fans alike pretty well threw up their hands and said, "screw it, this ain't worth it. We suck, man." I'd hoped I was wrong and that the media storm wouldn't get inside Ankiel's fragile psyche. Obviously, one thing he's not developed in his incredible comeback is thick skin. Hell, he's so sensitive to criticism I swear that one "your mama's so fat" joke and this guy'd be curled up in the dugout sucking his thumb. I realize I have a tendency towards the dramatic, but I think that in this case it's warranted. I really don't envision us rebounding from this. In fact, at this point I'm not even sure I want us to. I've had enough heartache this summer (mixed, I suppose, with just enough pleasure to keep me from weeping openly,) that I'm almost happy to pack it in for the year. Who knows, though. Maybe it's all just a giant coincidence. Maybe we're just going through another slump and it has nothing to do with Ankiel. Maybe we've still got a late season spark left in us that'll at the very least allow us to go out on a high note. But somehow I doubt it.

So in that spirit, GO MILWAUKEE!! I mean, someone's got to win this division, right?

Stop Raining, Dammit!

After Saturday's game was delayed and then interrupted by rain, the skies continued to unleash the fury yesterday causing game three to be postponed before the end of the third inning. This was great news for people that didn't want to have to sit through three hours of watching Carlos Zambrano scratch himself, but not so good for those hoping to see him accidentally drown in a puddle. I, for one, am sort of grateful for the day off, as it's allowed my anxiety levels to return to normal. Being out in Wrigleyville on Saturday in my Cardinals attire probably increased the likelihood of my eventual institutionalization by about 85%. I swear on my life, if one more person told me to "GO HOME, CARDINAL!" I was going to snap and flatten his face with a bar stool. I AM home, you ignorant morons! Last I checked, you didn't have to automatically abandon your intelligence and become a Cubs fan in order to become a Chicago resident. Add that to the game itself, and I was even saltier then normal by the time it was all said and done. (I'm refusing to comment on the details of the actual baseball contest, because I'm not even close to being over the many things that angered me in its duration.)

Anyhow, it's raining again here in Chicago, so expect a soggy ending to today's finale. Nothing lifts the spirits of baseball fans like three consecutive days of rain delays! WEEEEEE!!!!

F!@#

He was SAFE!!!!

Aside from that, I have nothing to say. Except expletives. Lots and lots of expletives.

DAMMIT!!! Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.

This Is Supposed To Be Fun, Right?

Sweet mother of Jesus, that sucked. I'm not even necessarily upset about the loss, because let's get serious for a second...it's only one game. I just have a tendency to overreact emotionally to these things and I HATE losing the close ones. To be fair, we held our own. It isn't like it was a giant blow out, because Braden Looper threw one hell of a game. Unfortunately, so did Rich Hill. My saving grace is the fact that my boss did not end up giving me the tickets to today's game. My blood pressure would have skyrocketed out of control if I'd had to see that in person. Plus, knowing my luck I would have been seated next to the same people that were at the game yesterday. Twelve year old girls that manipulate the volume of their screaming based upon how "hot" they think the Cubs players are is more annoying then one can even begin to imagine. Is Matt Murton that sexy?? I had no idea.

Anyhow, I'm really not too terribly discouraged. Generally, we don't play well against the Cubs. I have no idea why and it drives me absolutely BONKERS, but we don't. So, even though we gave those bastards a half game and a share of the lead in the division, I'm not totally uncomfortable with it. I don't think I could even find a Cubs fan that wouldn't agree that today, it came down to luck. Stringing together runs is impossible in a true pitchers dual and today was nothing if it wasn't that. Sadly, Albert had no one on base when he hit his monster and Jacque Jones did. Done and done. One pitch cost us the game. So goes it. Tomorrow, Anthony Reyes will try and redeem us. Until then, I'm going to try to RELAX. Because this is actually supposed to be enjoyable, right? I forget that sometimes.

Who Hired This Guy??

Seriously. We played the Tigers last year in the World Series. I don't remember this guy. FOR A REASON. Verlander? Rogers? Bonderman? Nope. We get Mike Maroth. I'm sure he's a great person. Just a SWELL individual. But he has SUCKED as a Cardinal pitcher. If I wanted to have a stress induced asthma attack I would watch Jason Isringhausen close games. Unfortunately, he hasn't had the opportunity to do that lately.

I'm going to bed. This is absolutely depressing.

I'm Going To Need To Invent Some New Swear Words

Dammit, dammit, dammit. They just aren't giving me ANYTHING to run with here. I'm not asking for much, but the ability to watch a game without being heavily sedated would be nice. I'm dying out here! I just want to win ONE BLOODY GAME!!!!! Would it be too much of an inconvenience for my guys to let me save a little face? I thought Cubs fans were obnoxious when they were losing, but you should hear them now that they're winning. I think I'd rather be deaf.

Furthermore, after watching two games in a row I really cannot take much more of Cubs "on-air personalities" Len and Bob. These guys spent about ten minutes last night discussing how one of them got locked in his hotel room. FOR THE SECOND TIME! (Note: Yes, he said IN not OUT OF.) Later in the broadcast they were reflecting on the tragic death of Tulsa Drillers first base coach Mike Coolbaugh and one of them helpfully pointed out that what killed him was a burst artery in his head that was CLOSE TO HIS BRAIN. Really? As opposed to what, his gallbladder? He got hit IN THE HEAD!!! Thanks for the anatomy lesson, jackass. Somehow that whole hotel room issue started making a hell of a lot more sense. I can just see him sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the door completely baffled. "There's a big wooden SLAB obstructing my exit! However will I escape!"

Anyhow, I can't even think about the actual game last night without wanting to punch a kitten in the face. Although Adam Wainwright was lights out until the fourth inning striking out six of the the first ten batters he faced, we couldn't generate any run support whatsoever. We hit into four double plays and ended up losing by more then five runs for the 25th time this season. Pujols is 0-9 on the series and it looked like Juan Encarnacion (4-4, 1 RBI) was the only guy who thought it was a terrific idea to put runs on the board. I, for one, feel his genius is under appreciated.

So anyway, I think I'm going to abstain from watching the action tonight. I've spent six hours over the past two days wanting desperately to shove my arm in a paper shredder. I'm also running dangerously low on vodka and think my roommate is ready to have me fitted for a straight jacket. These things combined seem to suggest that my mental health is in danger and a nice evening among baseball-neutral friends might be in order. It's either that or move somewhere outside of WGN's reach like the Czech Republic. I haven't really decided yet.

The Royals Are Dizzy

Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but I am rendered speechless after last night's rubber match against the Kansas City Royals. The Cards lost 17-8. 17-8!!!!!!!! I didn't realize scores like that were even possible in baseball. I mean, the games are only nine innings long. You'd have to give up ridiculous 8 and 6 run innings to manage something like that. Oh wait...

After 44 pitches, six runs and 1 1/3 innings, the Cardinals mercifully yanked starting pitcher Kip Wells from the mound. His early foibles resulted in his 11th loss (leading the majors) and an ERA that has now ballooned to a dismal 6.93. This forced the bullpen to chew through 7 2/3 innings, which yielded 11 additional runs for KC. Eight of these came in the second with another six coming in the fourth.

Conor Nicholl at MLB.com doesn't mince words, saying:

Kip Wells can't worry about his spot in the rotation or his future as a Cardinals pitcher. After his shortest performance of the season on Thursday night, Wells is only trying to be content with himself as a person.

Yikes. Perhaps instead of starting him we should just try using a tee? I don't know. I don't have the answers. However, I do know that we are running the risk of giving our opponents vertigo if we keep making them run in circles like that for three straight hours. I would imagine that Mark Teahen, Tony Pena and Emil Brown are awfully nauseous this morning. So am I, come to think of it.

Concussions, Bursitis, Crappy Hitting...OH MY!!!

Isn't it so ironic? Just when I get the slightest taste of optimism in my mouth, I have to wash it out with the strongest martini I can find. I know I promised not to be such a pessimist, but I don't really know what else to be. I mean, just over the last couple of days both Scott Rolen and Chris Duncan were sidelined with various injuries and maladies. Excuse me for being insensitive, but WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE??? AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING??? Our starting rotation is a mess, we can't score runs when it matters and half the team is ill/injured/completely indifferent. My spirits are so low, I even turned down an opportunity to see the Cubs lose tonight. With my luck lately, they would somehow earn an automatic World Series title. Yeah, I know that doesn't make any sense, but neither does Albert Pujols only having eight...yes, EIGHT!!! home runs this year. MY FIVE YEAR OLD NEPHEW HAS EIGHT HOME RUNS THIS YEAR!!!!!!

AHEM. Okay, so my new "great attitude" resolution isn't going so well. Turns out I am unable to turn off the paranoid schizophrenic living inside of me. I said I would try, okay? I'm not perfect. Close, but not quite. Sue me.

Anyone Got a Painkiller? A Shotgun? A Shot Luge? ANYONE????

In case anyone cares to notice, I have been MIA for the last odd week or so. It isn't because I don't care anymore, it's just that I don't have much else to say. I know I'm not a good loser, but I never thought it would drive me to total indifference. No matter how badly I want to join the Red Sox, Mets and Brewers' respective bandwagons, I'm still a blasted Cardinals fan. Which, quite frankly, sucks right now. So I've adopted a new practice. It's called avoidance. I have not paid the slightest bit of attention to any specific game since I last posted. So far, it's worked splendidly. By splendidly, I mean it's made absolutely no difference whatsoever. This is absurd. I'm still a homicidal maniac and the Birds are still one million games below five hundred and approximately seven light years out of first place. Where I usually would delve into specifics about a particular outing, I will refrain here. This is mostly attributed to the fact that aside from the final scores, I couldn't tell you what the heck is going on. I will tell you that it absolutely breaks my heart that we gave up fourteen freakin runs to the Tigers tonight. It's sort of fitting, I suppose. We were obviously destined to get decimated at the hands of our World Series foes, particularly since we can't even give anyone in the NL Central a good show. At this point, I'm ready to go to sleep and pretend like this whole season has been one loooooong bad dream. Unfortunately, me and my fellow Card fans have four long months still ahead of us. I don't know. Perhaps I should take up another hobby. Like stamp collecting. Nobody goes crazy collecting old postal service relics do they?

Sadly, the lone bright spot for me over the last few days has been the Cubs stinking it up in New York. My good friend and total savior over in Queens sent me an uplifting play-by-play of the ninth inning yesterday and I nearly felt human again. Oh, those wily Mets! I don't think they have anyone playing for them aside from Jose Reyes and David Wright that is under the age of 63, but they sure do know how to make Alzheimers work for them. This is the kind of thing that happens to the Cubs every day in my head. Boy, it sure is fun in there! I also sometimes climb mountains with Matt Damon, play Yahtzee with JFK and prance around open fields with puppies.

I Like 12-Year Old Boys. I Mean...Uh...Oh, Nevermind.

It sucks for our starting rotation that even on nights when they throw their best stuff, the rest of the team can't pull it together and contribute to the cause. Such was the case for poor Anthony Reyes on Monday night when six innings, two runs, three hits, five strikeouts and zero walks was not enough to lock away a win for the ailing Redbirds. Once again, the team could not capitalize on offensive opportunities and just to mix things up, the relievers decided to get in on the fun. After a call in the ninth that ruled a hard hit pitch thrown by Brian Falkenborg a double instead of a home run, Tyler Johnson came in, loaded the bases and walked in the winning run. Good grief, that's depressing. I had more fun watching Schindler's List then I did talking about that game.

As for last night, things turned out considerably better, despite the fact that we had a 12-year old boy on the mound. Yeesh. I wonder if Brad Thompson has even gone through puberty yet? Regardless, he went five innings and gave up only one run on a solo shot by Matt Holliday. One cannot complain much about that. Plus, after an exhilarating four-run seventh, the Cards pulled out a win! WAAAHOOOOOO!!!! I think things are really turning around! Now, if they could just figure out a way to score runs in more than one inning per game...

In other more positive baseball news, I'm having pizza tonight. That's pretty well all I can come up with.

Good News for People Who Love Bad News

Well, the good news is St. Louis finally snapped a five game losing streak this weekend. In front of an emotional home crowd, the Cards topped the Astros in their first win since Josh Hancock's passing and gave a beleaguered fan base a small taste of hope. Adam Wainwright, although far from flawless, performed more efficiently then he has in weeks giving up only 2 runs in six innings, while Chris Duncan and Albert Pujols drove home the runs necessary to secure the win. Of course, this was rendered completely irrelevant on Saturday, as they floundered about and gave up 13 runs to their whopping big fat ZERO. For those keeping track at home, that would be the team's 12th loss in 17 games. This also marked the end of Albert Pujols' 12 game hitting streak as he went 0-4. ARRGGH!!!

Ahem...sorry. This is supposed to be the optimistic and uplifting portion of this post. Continuing with the good news, Looper had another solid start on Sunday leading the Redbirds to their first series victory since coming to Wrigley in April. Scott Rolen finally got his groove on and shook himself out of an 0-25 hitting skid and Jason Isringhausen came in to save his 8th game in 9 chances. Of course, Looper was dinged for a run in the first, which continues to add to the team's consistent struggles in the first frame. They have been outscored 21-3 in the first this season. Considered collectively, the Cards have a 12 -17 record which is good enough to continue their stay in the Last Place Motel indefinitely. WOOHOOO!!!

Further exacerbating the Redbird's woes is the announcement that Chris Carpenter will be out for at least another three months as he undergoes arthroscopic surgery on his elbow. Add this to the fact that I had tickets to see the Cubs finish a sweep of the Nationals yesterday in dramatic extra innings fashion and I'm about ready to take a bath with a hair dryer. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

In summary, there is just not enough good news.

Being Terrible Is The Least Fun Thing You Can Be

Good grief, we suck at baseball. We are 7.5 games back and in last place. In the NL CENTRAL. I don't really even know what to say except that AT LEAST we aren't the Yankees. What kind of crap is this anyway? The Brewers have the best record in major league baseball. It's like we're living on a different planet or something. Not that Milwaukee doesn't deserve their day in the spotlight. Like I've marveled before, they have a guy named Prince Fielder on their team. And a contraption like this. No hard feelings! However, as I've settled into being a Cardinals fan over the last couple of years here in the Windy City, I'm used to consistently solid performances from my Redbirds. You cannot argue that over the last four years this is BY FAR the weakest team we've put on the field. You can blame the starting rotation, you can blame the sorry offense, you can blame almost anything. The fact still remains that as a fan, I have unrealistic expectations for the team that won the World Series last fall. As dynamite as they performed, it was a surreal turn of events that on any given day cannot be duplicated. Which quite frankly, hurt us in the long run. Winning it all last year made our stock skyrocket. This in turn, ensured that key players like Jeff Suppan got swept away in ginormous contracts. No complaints here about that whole experience, but having a transitional team win the Series is like having a bunch of sober jerks win a beer pong competition. They may perform well now, but once the hangover kicks in it becomes clear that they are not the proper caliber to project their success into the future. We are royally screwed.

Anyhow, enough abstract analogies. I obviously realize the team is struggling with the loss of a teammate and a friend. Thinking about it in the context of my own life, I cannot imagine how any of those guys can go on the field and give a crap about whether or not they turn a double play. I give them credit for having the stamina to show up at all. If it were me, I'd be in the fetal position on my bedroom floor. It is because of this I cannot make fun of any given play in any given game over the last three days. In the truest sense, I can't imagine baseball is the most important thing to these guys right now. Honestly, that's okay with me for now. I just hope they can clean it up and be competitive enough in the coming months to compensate. If not, this will continue to make up for it time and time and time and time and time again.

I Henceforth Declare My Child ROYALTY!!

The bad news is the Cards got handed another loss last night at the hands of the Reds and three multi-RBI home runs. Kip Wells faced 27 batters, allowed eight runs, issued three walks, hit a batter and did not strike out a single hitter. Add that to the fact that once again, the line up could not manage more then three runs in a game and we have ourselves another big giant stinker at home.

Matthew Leach sums it up best:

The Cardinals are 1-7 at Busch Stadium this season. They have lost seven
out of 10 and haven't won consecutive games since a four-game winning streak
from April 8-11.

Hmmmm. That royally blows. What is a loyal Redbird fan to do to make oneself feel better? Why, you go to a Cubs game!

I managed to get my grubby mitts on tickets to last night's face-off with the Brewers and was not disappointed. Accompanied by a couple of die hard Cubbie fans, we sat just a few rows up on the left field side in spitting distance from Alfonso Soriano. (In case anyone's keeping track at home, $136 million dollars has bought the Cubs one RBI. BARGAIN!!) Rich Hill dirtied up his immaculate ERA by giving up a couple bombs to Prince Fielder and Kevin Mench and sadly, Derrek, Aramis and Alfonso could not find it in themselves to do much to counteract it. If it wasn't for the rain that started in the eighth inning you would have detected big giant tears of devastation running down my cheeks.* It's always tragic when you get taken to task by someone legitimately named Prince. In any case, Jeff Suppan was on the mound and it was nice to see what we could have kept had we somehow located $42 million extra dollars. I really should have looked harder under the couch cushions.

Anyway, it doesn't say much when the most positive part about Cardinal baseball is the Cubs sucking. Eventually, Prior might stage a gem of a comeback and then what? As amusing and almost disgusting it is to enjoy their long and miserable history, it doesn't make the Cards any freakin' better. At some point this season, I hope to genuinely get excited about MY team and stop relishing in a situation that's bound to be temporary. (I mean, seriously. Lee and Soriano are NOT going to have silent bats all season long. As many times as I wish upon a star, that just isn't going to happen.)

In closing, Prince is a fantastic name. It's right up there with Slappy, Asshat and Monkeynuts.

*Fear not, loyal friends. No tears were wasted in the viewing of this game.

Caution: Side Effects Include Cramping, Nausea and Losing

Just when I start to get excited about how we're playing, we have a stretch like this where it's almost impossible to imagine us winning EVER AGAIN. A drunk hobo once told me that it's hard to win ball games when you don't score any runs. Hmmm. That's interesting. It's very telling that a man who had just peed his pants and was gnawing on a plastic cup had a better grasp on the obvious then the Cardinals lineup. We've had a few promising outings, including a couple of ten run routes of the Astros and the Brewers, but there's only been three occasions where we've scored more then three runs in a game. That's going to take us no where but the toilet in a hurry.

Speaking of toilets, someone needs to seriously start monitoring what these guys are eating! Every time you turn around another guy is out with food poisoning. Strict standards need to be put in place that prohibit the consumption of whatever Scott Rolen and Scott Spiezio are noshing on. If it's anything other then raw hamburger and dog food, I'll be shocked. That just seems fitting somehow.

Even My Yearbook Pictures Are Less Embarrasing

Remember a couple days ago when I was uncharacteristically calm and collected after our Opening Day loss to the Mets? Yeah, all of that has since gone out the window and my blood pressure has returned to its typical Cardinal induced levels of BATSHIT CRAZY.

Over the first three games of the year we've scored two runs. Two runs in 27 innings! We are 1 for 15 with runners in scoring position! Thanks for showing up, guys! Also, much appreciation goes to Preston Wilson for his fine additions to our already impressive list of defensive miscues, along with special gratitude to Josh Hancock and Russ Springer for only giving up 7 runs in the seventh and eight innings instead of 27. Now THAT would have been embarrasing!

The bright spots through all of this? Our young and surprisingly capable rotation and JASON ISRINGHAUSEN!! Are we now living in an alternate and parallel universe? If this keeps up, I'll be on a steady diet of Xanax and Smirnoff for the next six months.