The All Star Break Breakdown

Hello long lost friends! I'm not sure where the summer days have gone, but it's been so long since I last posted, I damn near forgot my password to the account. For those of you that have been around the past two seasons, you know this isn't uncommon. I have a tendency to drop off over the June and July months only to miraculously reappear right around the All-Star Game. I just can't resist making fun of its uselessness, you see! Now, you might be thinking that because the game was in St. Louis this year that I might find it a little less annoying. You, my friend, would be wrong. Even the fact that three Redbirds were playing couldn't inspire me to give a crap. (Albert Pujols, Ryan Franklin and Yadier Molina all donned the fancy NL uniform this year.) The only parts I tuned in for were the last few minutes of the home run derby and the celebrity softball game. (Editors note: Nelly is a surprisingly adept outfielder!) Per usual, the National League crapped the bed again, thereby extending their All Star Game drought to 11 years. YAWWWWN.

Anyway, much has happened over the past six weeks. Because I'm incredibly lazy and only marginally competent, I will attempt to summarize these happenings below.

1. The Cardinals traded Chris Perez for Mark DeRosa. DeRosa promptly chopped his hand off at the wrist and spent 15 days on the DL. Since his return, he's been about as useful as a third nipple. This makes the Cubs fans in my life VERY happy, which I hate.

2. The Cardinals traded Chris Duncan for Julio Lugo. Mr. Lugo has been smacking the ball around a little bit, which is a trait I can appreciate. Mr. Duncan should take notes.

3. Some idiot finally bought the Cubs. Congratu-freakin'-lations. You're the proud patriarch of the most delusional fans in baseball!

4. Speaking of the Cubs, Zambrano threw a couple more hissy fits in my absence. Color me surprised! Honestly, it doesn't even phase me anymore. Zambrano losing his damn mind happens about as often as he scratches his balls. Which is approximately every three to four seconds.

5. The Cubs and Cardinals met again in Chicago for a four game series. This was split 2-2, giving the Cardinals a 8-5 record against them on the year. I'd be far more excited by this if more of these games ended in mass Cub fan executions.

6. Rumors swirled that the Cardinals were interested in Jay Halladay. I had a hearty laugh about this to myself, as this was clearly the largest falsehood ever perpetuated by Cardinals fans.

7. Albert hit a bunch of home runs and basically provided the entire Cardinals offense for the entire months of June and July. At some point, he has to start getting really annoyed with being the only person doing anything useful. I mean, I get annoyed at work if I have to change the water cooler bottle a couple of times in a row. His position is arguably more frustrating than mine.

8. Troy Glaus and Khalil Greene started making rehab starts in Memphis. Dare I say, the Cardinals may just have a fearsome team coming together if everyone can remain healthy.

9. A bunch of guys started growing Tom Selleck facial hair. Rick Ankiel, Brendan Ryan and Ryan Franklin all look like deranged lumberjacks, which sounds a lot cooler in theory than it is in practice.

10. Speaking of Rick Ankiel, I heard a rumor that he created his own wine label. This might explain why he has sucked so badly over the past couple of months. I know that my own productivity has an inverse relationship with how much wine I consume. Might I suggest Black Russians?

Anyway, I'm hoping this laziness of mine wears off and I get back to venting my Redbird frustrations here on this fair blog. I should quit taking it out on my roommate, as I'm afraid she'll take out a restraining order. She can be so sensitive sometimes.

Wait...What Just Happened?

Okay, someone help me out here. Who was our starting pitcher last night? Because I'm PRETTY SURE it wasn't Kip Wells. No, the REAL Kip Wells would not have held an opponent to just two runs in eight innings. (In fact, I'm pretty sure he has no idea what pitching into the eighth inning feels like.) Is this a joke? Did we acquire an alien byproduct of some genetic engineering experiment that just LOOKS like him? Is this still July of 2007? So many questions, so few reasonable answers. All I know is that Kip Wells (!!!) led the Cardinals to a 6-0 shutout of the Marlins last night with his most brilliant start, well, probably EVER. (Seriously. He has not won a game since May 23rd.) I'm not quite sure what to make of this development, but I can't help but think it's only temporary. He's been the stuff of nightmares all summer, so unless he's had some miraculous physical transformation, I'm not convinced I should be too terribly excited about it. Nonetheless, it made my morning to hear he didn't fall off the mound or accidentally chuck a curveball into the dugout. I do usually have to brace myself for the worst.

Someone I actually am kind of excited about is this Brendan Ryan kid. Filling in for an injured Scott Rolen, he had five assists last night and appeared to be completely comfortable at third base. With Rolen back in St. Louis investigating discomfort in his left shoulder and his usual backup Scott Spiezio out with a finger infection (what??), it's nice to know we don't have to resort to starting one of the ball boys. As my Dad pointed out this morning, if we somehow come back and take the division, we might be the first minor league team to ever make the playoffs. Of course the likelihood of that happening is about the same as me piloting a space shuttle to Mars, but it's fascinating to think about nonetheless.

On another note, does anyone else find it suspicious that Scott Rolen and Scott Spiezio keep coming down with injuries and diseases at the same time? I mean, first it was simultaneous food poisoning and now this whole "infected finger" and shoulder injury thing. Suuuuuuuurre. My bet is that they're actually back in St. Louis playing video games, eating Taco Bell and giving each other wedgies. That or they're moonlighting as mysterious super heroes out saving the world from evil forces. Both of these explanations somehow seem wildly more realistic then an infected finger. What does that even mean? I'm no doctor, but I'm highly confident that's not a legitimate injury. Does it need amputated or require extensive physical therapy? No? Then get your glove and get back on the field, you big pansy.

Introducing...Baby Eckstein!!!

Monday was just NOT a good day. The Cards were back in New York, which meant I was receiving text message taunts from my Mets friend in Queens and the Cubs were home again after sweeping the White Sox, which meant my neighborhood was even more obnoxious then usual. After dropping two of three to the Phillies over the weekend, the Birds seemed poised to lose another after newly acquired starting pitcher Mike Maroth gave up a third inning home run to Carlos Gomez. Naturally, we didn't disappoint as Russ Springer gave up a walk off home run to Shawn Green in the 11th causing the Mets to perform one of the most bizarre victory routines I've ever seen. Simultaneously, I'm sitting outside Wrigley Field in a beer garden listening to the roar of the crowd as the Cubs pound on the Rockies and achieve an 8-3 lead. This being the Cubs, the bullpen coughed up six runs in the eighth inning, yet uncharacteristically managed to come back and win it via Soriano's walk off single in the ninth. Fortunately, their fans stayed classy as ever and provided a brief respite from the agony when one took offense to Bob Howry's performance and drunkenly charged the mound. It was really the only thing that kept me from deliberately running in front of a cab. After another win last night, the Cubs have won five straight and are officially ruining my life.

Fortunately, the Cards were able to achieve some forward momentum last night in the form of a spry little rookie named Brendan Ryan. (Who I'm pretty sure is David Eckstein's 13 year-old brother.) He capped off a solid all around performance with his first big league home run in the 11th inning to win it 5-3. This is excellent news for me, as I don't think I could have stomached another "GO METS!!!" message from Shea last night. On a smaller scale, it was probably pretty cool for him, too. So, you know...good for him.

Anyhow, Anthony Reyes is looking to improve his sparkling 0-9 record tonight against Mr. Tom Glavine and I for one am thoroughly confident we have what it takes to completely blow it. If not, you know we'll at least give it our best shot. Here in Chicago, Big Z takes the mound for the finale against the Rockies and I sincerely hope he chokes on some pine tar or gets struck by lightening.