The All Star Break Breakdown

Hello long lost friends! I'm not sure where the summer days have gone, but it's been so long since I last posted, I damn near forgot my password to the account. For those of you that have been around the past two seasons, you know this isn't uncommon. I have a tendency to drop off over the June and July months only to miraculously reappear right around the All-Star Game. I just can't resist making fun of its uselessness, you see! Now, you might be thinking that because the game was in St. Louis this year that I might find it a little less annoying. You, my friend, would be wrong. Even the fact that three Redbirds were playing couldn't inspire me to give a crap. (Albert Pujols, Ryan Franklin and Yadier Molina all donned the fancy NL uniform this year.) The only parts I tuned in for were the last few minutes of the home run derby and the celebrity softball game. (Editors note: Nelly is a surprisingly adept outfielder!) Per usual, the National League crapped the bed again, thereby extending their All Star Game drought to 11 years. YAWWWWN.

Anyway, much has happened over the past six weeks. Because I'm incredibly lazy and only marginally competent, I will attempt to summarize these happenings below.

1. The Cardinals traded Chris Perez for Mark DeRosa. DeRosa promptly chopped his hand off at the wrist and spent 15 days on the DL. Since his return, he's been about as useful as a third nipple. This makes the Cubs fans in my life VERY happy, which I hate.

2. The Cardinals traded Chris Duncan for Julio Lugo. Mr. Lugo has been smacking the ball around a little bit, which is a trait I can appreciate. Mr. Duncan should take notes.

3. Some idiot finally bought the Cubs. Congratu-freakin'-lations. You're the proud patriarch of the most delusional fans in baseball!

4. Speaking of the Cubs, Zambrano threw a couple more hissy fits in my absence. Color me surprised! Honestly, it doesn't even phase me anymore. Zambrano losing his damn mind happens about as often as he scratches his balls. Which is approximately every three to four seconds.

5. The Cubs and Cardinals met again in Chicago for a four game series. This was split 2-2, giving the Cardinals a 8-5 record against them on the year. I'd be far more excited by this if more of these games ended in mass Cub fan executions.

6. Rumors swirled that the Cardinals were interested in Jay Halladay. I had a hearty laugh about this to myself, as this was clearly the largest falsehood ever perpetuated by Cardinals fans.

7. Albert hit a bunch of home runs and basically provided the entire Cardinals offense for the entire months of June and July. At some point, he has to start getting really annoyed with being the only person doing anything useful. I mean, I get annoyed at work if I have to change the water cooler bottle a couple of times in a row. His position is arguably more frustrating than mine.

8. Troy Glaus and Khalil Greene started making rehab starts in Memphis. Dare I say, the Cardinals may just have a fearsome team coming together if everyone can remain healthy.

9. A bunch of guys started growing Tom Selleck facial hair. Rick Ankiel, Brendan Ryan and Ryan Franklin all look like deranged lumberjacks, which sounds a lot cooler in theory than it is in practice.

10. Speaking of Rick Ankiel, I heard a rumor that he created his own wine label. This might explain why he has sucked so badly over the past couple of months. I know that my own productivity has an inverse relationship with how much wine I consume. Might I suggest Black Russians?

Anyway, I'm hoping this laziness of mine wears off and I get back to venting my Redbird frustrations here on this fair blog. I should quit taking it out on my roommate, as I'm afraid she'll take out a restraining order. She can be so sensitive sometimes.

Your Mid-Season, All-Star Break Baseballooza!!!

Good grief, I've been a lazy blogger this summer! Here we are on the day of the All-Star game (i.e. my favorite day of the entire season! Pointless baseball!!! WOOHOO!!!!) and I haven't mentioned my complete disdain for this mid season debacle even ONCE. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anyhow, in the slapdash, haphazard and loosely organized fashion that I've adopted this year, I will attempt to recap the last several weeks. Try to keep up, would ya?

• First and most importantly, I'm gearing up for the big annual family trip to St. Louis this weekend. I'm hoping for three things: 1) A decimating humiliation of the San Diego Padres, 2) a decent steak and 3) sub-Amazonian humidity levels. I just can't drink beer efficiently when the back of my legs are sweating.


• The Cubs took 2 of 3 from the Redbirds in St. Louis over the 4th of July weekend. I officially stopped speaking to approximately 78% of my friends and almost quit my job.


• Much was made about Jim Edmond's comments regarding his new role in Chicago and Tony LaRussa's angry reaction to them. My take? Jimmy is a Cardinal and always will be. He can (and should) say whatever he needs to say to endear himself to the Chicago public while he's here. In the end, I think we all know where his best years were and where his heart is. I will not begrudge him the opportunity to play and it's nice to see he's still got some mojo. That being said, Jim Edmonds can go suck on jet fuel. It is, by default, my obligation to hate him and all that he stands for while wearing that uniform. I don't make the rules, people.


• I spent the actual 4th of July holiday up in Milwaukee at Miller Park. If I were to indulge you in the details of that trip, you would more than likely (and probably rightfully) judge me harshly. I therefore spare us all the indignity.


• Jason Isringhausen and Chris Perez combined their respective talents this past Saturday and successfully blew a contest against the Pirates. It was both completely appalling and utterly spectacular in its predictability.


• The Brewers traded for CC Sabathia and the Cubs acquired Rich Harden. Meanwhile, the Cardinals tried to pretend nothing happened and continued to...OH MY GOD, LOOK OVER THERE!!


• Mark Mulder started the July 9th game against the Phillies and threw 16 pitches before his arm fell off, promptly ending his career. WEEEEEEEEEE!!!

So yeah...these are the highlights that come to mind from the last several weeks. Despite the Brew Crew storming ahead of us for a brief spell, the Redbirds are still planted 4.5 back in second place behind the Scrubbies. I'm planning for an action packed weekend down at Busch Stadium, so I hope all of the guys we've got playing in the All-Star Game don't wear themselves out. (Cue crickets...) It's time to start the second half of the season with a bang...and preferably not one from a self inflicted gunshot to the foot. GO CARDS!!!

ROAD TRIP!!!

As the Cardinals continue their ten game road trip, only one thing comes to mind. Are we going to win any more of these damn things? I mean, it would appear we've reached our monthly quota after handily dismissing the Phillies on Sunday and beating the Marlins last night. That's two whole games in a row, people! What an unprecedented explosion of greatness! I've actually calculated the odds of us losing all six remaining games of the trip and although it's weighted by Albert Pujols being positively destructive lately and the fact that Adam Kennedy has finally figured out what he's supposed to do with that big wooden stick he carries to the plate, we do still have Kip Wells in the starting rotation. Therefore, the conservative estimate is 2:1. This should be fun, don't you think?

On another note, I've been asked by a lot of people over the last week what my thoughts are on Tony LaRussa not pinch hitting Pujols in the ninth inning of the All-Star game. (Most of these queries have come from Cubs fans, go figure.) I think I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about the All-Star game, but to reiterate, I could not possibly care less. It makes absolutely no difference to me whatsoever. The amount of attention given to this alleged "spat" between Tony and Al has been absurd. Is this at all relevant to the dismal regular season we're wallowing through right now? Is it providing any insight on how we are going to dig ourselves out of this mid-season hole and progress more ably towards the playoffs? Did it in any way resolve our nagging issues with starting pitching in the first inning or come up with creative ways to compensate for a line-up plagued by injury? No???? Well, then go pound sand, you incompetent waste of toilet water. The end result is that this matters to absolutely no one, ESPECIALLY anyone in the NL Central. (This means you, Cubs fans!) In all likelihood, no one in this division will live to see October and thereby have to suffer the indignity of NOT having home field advantage. (Oh, the TRAGEDY!!) Therefore, your commentary on this issue is serving no other purpose then to annoy the ever loving crap out of me and make me question why I don't own a handgun. Seriously. Why DON'T I own a handgun?

I'd Rather Go To Ikea On A Saturday Then Watch This Stupid Game

So, here we are on the eve of the All-Star game aka "the most pointless waste of a perfectly good night of baseball" and the weary Redbirds don't have a single soul in the starting line-up. This is absolutely shocking. With the EXPLOSIVE way we have been playing this season it's just an abomination. A real head scratcher if I ever saw one.

Anyhow, I really don't get the point of this whole affair. There are a thousand things I'd rather be doing. Scrubbing a toilet at Wrigley Field and shaving my legs with a rusty spoon sound a hundred times more fun then watching a bunch of seemingly random players fumble around and pretend they give a crap about a game that none of them really want to play in the first place. As we so valiantly showed last fall, home field advantage in the World Series don't mean diddly. Take that, All-Stars. Besides, is there really a convincing argument for the NL this year? Seriously??

On another note, I have been absent of late due to a three week tour of the Greater Midwest. First, I visited my very special hometown of Muscatine, Iowa for some family bonding, mullet watching and of course a couple of extra special losses to the Phillies. Then, I took a trip up to Saginaw, Michigan to see some friends, gaze at more mullets and watch the highlights of the Cardinals taking two of three from CINCINNATI!! WOOOOHOOO!!! It was practically like the World Series if the World Series were played between two high school girls softball teams. Lastly, I drove an abysmal 8 hours (with an hour detour courtesy of my directions-challenged roommate) to the Lake of the Ozarks for a mid-summer vacation/Fourth of July Spectacular that included boating for three days, working on my sunburn, drinking my weight in assorted domestic beers and watching St. Louis snag a couple from the Diamondbacks while in a waterlogged, sunburned and drunken stupor. See, Cardinal baseball CAN be fun!!! Basically, my point is this: I have been drunk for three weeks straight and have therefore digressed into a sort of mid season coma. Did I mention the mullets?

On another front, I'm not even going to discuss the Cubs slow creep above 500. I cannot stand those Northside goat molesters and will NOT waste my extensive vocabulary discussing the many, many issues I have with this. I am, however, taking my folks to Chicago's Biggest Beer Garden this Sunday to watch them take on the Astros and am sincerely looking forward to seeing a bunch of drunk chicks in mini-skirts and high heels trying to care about baseball. My Mom comes for the warm $60 beers, my Dad comes in hopes that in between hot dogs he can see Alfonso Soriano choke on his socks and I come hoping against all hope that Lance Berkman will beat Lou Pineilla over the head with his bat. See? We all win!!

Mom, if you're reading this, I have a special account set up to bail Dad and me out of jail afterwards. Ask me for the password BEFORE we start drinking.