Get Outta Town!

I must have done something really awesome in a previous life to deserve this lovely bouquet of karmic glory that I'm enjoying right now. My cell phone essentially had a seizure last night, as the texts and calls poured in to share the news that Carlos Zambrano's reign of terror has been temporarily suspended, as he has been removed from the Cubs starting rotation and relegated to the bullpen. He is now, in all liklihood, the highest paid human to ever babysit Jeff Samardzija. It's a fantastic turn of events, though. Just think of all the new stuff he can beat up out there! The dugout watercoolers had to be getting a little rote for the guy. This new gig presents him with a tremendous opportunity to display his creativity and take his temper tantrums to the next level. Carlos Marmol, you best take note! You don't know if he's going to use you as a punching bag or a WEAPON!

In other news, Carp fanned ten over 7 plus innings last night in the Cards 9-4 win over the D'backs. Colby Rasmus couldn't keep the ball in the yard if he tried, while Skip Schumaker busted his slump with a three run homer in the ninth. This capped off a 5 run 9th inning, which gave the Birds a lead that the bullpen was miraculously able to maintain. Woohoo!!! This series victory keeps the hot streak alive, as the Cards now sit 2.5 games in first place, maintain the best record in the national league and lay claim to all five of their series this season. I have to keep telling myself that it's only going to go downhill from here, otherwise I'd probably start being nice to Cubs fans or something equally reprehensible. And I just don't think I want to live in a world where that kind of thing happens.

I Could Get Used To This Winning Stuff

After the first four series of this young season, I have to admit I'm pretty tickled about the state of affairs in Baseball Land. This weekend we got to see the Chicago Scrubbies lose two of three to the hapless Astros, which was especially satisfying after all of the crap my boss gave me on Friday afternoon. After what would end up being the Cubs lone win of the weekend, he proceeded to heckle me incessantly about the Cards losing to Houston the day before. His twisted logic was that because Houston earned their first win of the year against the Cards (9 games into the season, mind you,) that the Redbirds were destined for failure and early season obliteration. What that reasoning says about the Cubs losing the next two in a row to Houston? I don't like to speculate, but I'd guess a team wide outbreak of spinal meningitis. I like to be conservative with stuff like this.

In other happy news, the Cardinals took two of three from the Metropolitans of New York this weekend, improving their record to 8-4. They have now won two of three in all four of their first series, which is encouraging to be sure. Carpenter pitched a strong seven innings on Friday and allowed Felipe Lopez's seventh inning grand slam to seal the deal and send us to bed happy. Enter Saturday night's epic 20 inning showdown, where Johan Santana, Jaime Garcia and what seemed like every single member of every bullpen in the National League battled it out for 18 scoreless frames before St. Louis finally succumbed 2-1. Position players were pitching, pitchers were in the outfield, it was SHEER BEDLAM!!! I'm surprised Big Mac didn't play a couple of outs. Or one of the announcers. Or maybe even my great aunt Betsy. I actually thought my brain was going to catch on fire just trying to keep track of it all. "Joe Mather is doing WHAT? Kyle Lohse is WHERE?" Even more impressive is that Yadier Molina caught that entire damn game, which you'd think would require him to have immediate reconstructive knee surgery. Then again, he's probably made of tougher stuff than most of us. I would have passed out halfway through the second inning, although that probably doesn't say as much about his vim and vigor as it does about my athletic limitations. I'm quite the delicate creature, you know.

Finally, Adam Wainwright pitched a complete game last night and picked up the W on the heels of Colby Rasmus and Ryan Ludwick homeruns, himself scoring a run after an 8th inning double. He was positively terrifying as the night wore on. I swear, he could have pitched another five innings, he just was that in control those last few at bats. In any case, Brad Penny takes the mound tonight in Arizona, so hopefully these guys keep it up. The bullpen should be rested again, so hopefully Waino's performance will allow Penny a few innings of relief if he needs it. Although wishing for a Jason Motte appearance is sort of like hoping to get a canker sore. By which I mean, nobody actually does that.

You Had To Know This Would Happen

You see, friends, THIS is exactly why I endorse unyielding pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and any other "ism" you can think of. If my research has taught me anything over the past few years, it's that being a bitter malcontent is the only thing that can save us Cardinal fans from the soul mutilating heartbreak that will tempt us to stick our heads in an oven half a dozen times a year. One might argue that I'm only kidding myself and that I'm actually just making myself miserable for no real purpose, to which I say, "kindly go swallow a straight razor." It's science, people. I don't make the rules. Anyhow, after a rain-out on Friday and back-to-back losses to the surging Milwaukee Brewers, the Cardinals are now two games out of first place and a half game (gulp) behind the Scrubbies. This was probably inevitable, as I suppose they call them "hot streaks" for a reason. The Redbirds maintaining that early season momentum was about as likely as me winning the Kentucky Derby. (Keep in mind, I've got the endurance of a panda bear.) With both Rick Ankiel and Ryan Ludwick on the DL, it would seem that it is virtually impossible for anyone to hit balls and run around the bases like they're supposed to. (See Adam Wainwright's two hitter on Saturday that ended in a loss. Let me tell you, I got an expletive laced text from my pops after THAT little gem.) Despite Colby "much-hyped minor league ingenue" Rasmus stepping it up recently, the Cards have only scored 10 total runs over the past five games. Plus, our starting pitching has slumped to 2-9 in the month of May, which now that I really think about it, doesn't seem like a very effective combination if a team is trying to win baseball games. (Swallows bottle of Xanax.)

The good news is that Kyle Lohse is taking the mound tonight (against our old mongoloid friend, Braden Looper,) to make up the Friday rain-out and Chris Carpenter is making his return on Wednesday night when the Birds take on the Cubs for what feels like the 97th time already this season. Mr. Carpenter rejoining the rotation makes me happy for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is that it keeps Todd Wellemeyer that much further away from both the mound AND my irrational subconscious. After the turd he tossed yesterday, (5 2/2 innings, four runs in the 1st, 7 walks,) I'm ready to tie him to the hood of my car and drive off a cliff. It'd be like Thelma and Louise, but with more conviction and arguably better hair.