The All Star Break Breakdown

Hello long lost friends! I'm not sure where the summer days have gone, but it's been so long since I last posted, I damn near forgot my password to the account. For those of you that have been around the past two seasons, you know this isn't uncommon. I have a tendency to drop off over the June and July months only to miraculously reappear right around the All-Star Game. I just can't resist making fun of its uselessness, you see! Now, you might be thinking that because the game was in St. Louis this year that I might find it a little less annoying. You, my friend, would be wrong. Even the fact that three Redbirds were playing couldn't inspire me to give a crap. (Albert Pujols, Ryan Franklin and Yadier Molina all donned the fancy NL uniform this year.) The only parts I tuned in for were the last few minutes of the home run derby and the celebrity softball game. (Editors note: Nelly is a surprisingly adept outfielder!) Per usual, the National League crapped the bed again, thereby extending their All Star Game drought to 11 years. YAWWWWN.

Anyway, much has happened over the past six weeks. Because I'm incredibly lazy and only marginally competent, I will attempt to summarize these happenings below.

1. The Cardinals traded Chris Perez for Mark DeRosa. DeRosa promptly chopped his hand off at the wrist and spent 15 days on the DL. Since his return, he's been about as useful as a third nipple. This makes the Cubs fans in my life VERY happy, which I hate.

2. The Cardinals traded Chris Duncan for Julio Lugo. Mr. Lugo has been smacking the ball around a little bit, which is a trait I can appreciate. Mr. Duncan should take notes.

3. Some idiot finally bought the Cubs. Congratu-freakin'-lations. You're the proud patriarch of the most delusional fans in baseball!

4. Speaking of the Cubs, Zambrano threw a couple more hissy fits in my absence. Color me surprised! Honestly, it doesn't even phase me anymore. Zambrano losing his damn mind happens about as often as he scratches his balls. Which is approximately every three to four seconds.

5. The Cubs and Cardinals met again in Chicago for a four game series. This was split 2-2, giving the Cardinals a 8-5 record against them on the year. I'd be far more excited by this if more of these games ended in mass Cub fan executions.

6. Rumors swirled that the Cardinals were interested in Jay Halladay. I had a hearty laugh about this to myself, as this was clearly the largest falsehood ever perpetuated by Cardinals fans.

7. Albert hit a bunch of home runs and basically provided the entire Cardinals offense for the entire months of June and July. At some point, he has to start getting really annoyed with being the only person doing anything useful. I mean, I get annoyed at work if I have to change the water cooler bottle a couple of times in a row. His position is arguably more frustrating than mine.

8. Troy Glaus and Khalil Greene started making rehab starts in Memphis. Dare I say, the Cardinals may just have a fearsome team coming together if everyone can remain healthy.

9. A bunch of guys started growing Tom Selleck facial hair. Rick Ankiel, Brendan Ryan and Ryan Franklin all look like deranged lumberjacks, which sounds a lot cooler in theory than it is in practice.

10. Speaking of Rick Ankiel, I heard a rumor that he created his own wine label. This might explain why he has sucked so badly over the past couple of months. I know that my own productivity has an inverse relationship with how much wine I consume. Might I suggest Black Russians?

Anyway, I'm hoping this laziness of mine wears off and I get back to venting my Redbird frustrations here on this fair blog. I should quit taking it out on my roommate, as I'm afraid she'll take out a restraining order. She can be so sensitive sometimes.

You Had To Know This Would Happen

You see, friends, THIS is exactly why I endorse unyielding pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and any other "ism" you can think of. If my research has taught me anything over the past few years, it's that being a bitter malcontent is the only thing that can save us Cardinal fans from the soul mutilating heartbreak that will tempt us to stick our heads in an oven half a dozen times a year. One might argue that I'm only kidding myself and that I'm actually just making myself miserable for no real purpose, to which I say, "kindly go swallow a straight razor." It's science, people. I don't make the rules. Anyhow, after a rain-out on Friday and back-to-back losses to the surging Milwaukee Brewers, the Cardinals are now two games out of first place and a half game (gulp) behind the Scrubbies. This was probably inevitable, as I suppose they call them "hot streaks" for a reason. The Redbirds maintaining that early season momentum was about as likely as me winning the Kentucky Derby. (Keep in mind, I've got the endurance of a panda bear.) With both Rick Ankiel and Ryan Ludwick on the DL, it would seem that it is virtually impossible for anyone to hit balls and run around the bases like they're supposed to. (See Adam Wainwright's two hitter on Saturday that ended in a loss. Let me tell you, I got an expletive laced text from my pops after THAT little gem.) Despite Colby "much-hyped minor league ingenue" Rasmus stepping it up recently, the Cards have only scored 10 total runs over the past five games. Plus, our starting pitching has slumped to 2-9 in the month of May, which now that I really think about it, doesn't seem like a very effective combination if a team is trying to win baseball games. (Swallows bottle of Xanax.)

The good news is that Kyle Lohse is taking the mound tonight (against our old mongoloid friend, Braden Looper,) to make up the Friday rain-out and Chris Carpenter is making his return on Wednesday night when the Birds take on the Cubs for what feels like the 97th time already this season. Mr. Carpenter rejoining the rotation makes me happy for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is that it keeps Todd Wellemeyer that much further away from both the mound AND my irrational subconscious. After the turd he tossed yesterday, (5 2/2 innings, four runs in the 1st, 7 walks,) I'm ready to tie him to the hood of my car and drive off a cliff. It'd be like Thelma and Louise, but with more conviction and arguably better hair.