No One Is Safe!

I'm starting to think I might be a jinx on poor Alfonso Soriano. I was there to see him sustain both of the injuries that have put him on the DL this year. First was the leg injury he incurred while doing that little hoppity bop thing he does after making a catch and last night I saw him get drilled by a pitch that broke his finger. Yeesh. It was kind of a shooting gallery at Wrigley Field last night anyway, as fly balls ricocheted into the stands all night at incredible rates of speed. Mr. Sucky Dome actually drilled some guy in the side of the head sitting about fifteen rows behind home plate on the third base side. I'll tell you, I was happy to escape the night unconcussed! Adding insult to injury, (pun intended because I'm cheeky!) the Cubs beat up on the Braves and won 7-2, improving their home record this year to 27-8. That's just disgusting. I mean, if I have to hear "Go, Cubs, Go" one more time, I think I'm going to rip off my ears and fill them with concrete.

ANYWAY...over in Cardinal Land, things are equally as interesting. Despite whooping up on the Cincinnati Reds last night in a 10-0 assault, one can't help but sob uncontrollably and curl into the fetal position over the news that Albert Pujols is going to be out for at least three weeks with a calf strain. WHY GOD, WHY??? With all of our best players on the DL, I'm surprised I haven't had a complete mental breakdown. That certainly wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility, although we've actually still been playing well enough that I've resisted the urge to skip rope with a downed power line. We'll see how long that lasts in Pujols' prolonged absence. Things seemed to go well enough last night with Chris Duncan getting the call up to fill in for Big Al and Braden Looper pitching out of his mind, but we shall see. You know how I feel about optimism! Joel Pineiro is getting the nod today for the finale against Cincinnati and it ought to be interesting considering I don't think anyone actually believes he's healthy.

With that said, it looks like the next month is going to be just one big giant mystery. Will the Redbirds be able to stay on track and put the pressure on Chicago? Will Ankiel, Ludwick and Glaus be enough power to compensate for Pujols' injury? Will I recognize anyone in the rotation by July? I have no clue. What do I look like, a fortune teller? I'm guessing Professor Plum, in the library with a candlestick. That seems just as reasonable as anything else at this point.

Now, Where Were We?

Hello, friends! As hard as it is to believe, it has been almost a month since my last post. Where o' where does the time go? It seems strange that the hot summer days are upon us and the 4th of July is only a few weeks away. I suppose that's getting old for you. Time flies and you always find yourself talking about the weather. Anyway, there has obviously been much to discuss in my absence. The Cardinals have continued their early season pattern of not making me want to chew on sandpaper and now rest a respectable 2.5 games out of first place. Considering the Chicago Scrubbies have been literally unstoppable this season, that is no small feat.

To recap the past several weeks, in no particular order:

1. Albert Pujols injured two players in the same inning on freak plays. By crushing the pitcher's face and twisting the catcher's ankle in ways it isn't supposed to go, Pujols managed to single-handedly dismantle the already beleaguered Padres. I have a sneaking suspicion that might haunt his dreams for awhile.

2. Carlos Zambrano beat up a water cooler. I cannot make this stuff up, people. I saw him break a bat over his leg earlier this year, but my LORD, this just took the cake. The best part of the whole ordeal was just how painfully AWKWARD it was. The cooler was very clearly still full and Big Z was enormously unsuccessful at gracefully throwing the cumbersome and unwieldy vessel. It didn't come across as aggressive and fiery as much as it seemed...well, wobbly. I haven't laughed that hard since the Cubs got knocked out of the 2007 playoffs.

3. Joel Pineiro and Adam Wainwright went on the DL. People that I'm not familiar with and who are presumably gifted at throwing baseballs then joined the rotation. I have not yet bothered to learn their names, as I'm sure they'll be injured or sent down to the minors before they become even remotely relevant. What with all the drinking I've already done this season, I've got to conserve brain cells, you see.

4. I ventured out to a Cubs game in May and was fortunate enough to sit in fancy front row CBOE seats. After trying unsuccessfully to distract Alfonso Soriano and Reed Johnson with my blinding white skin, I was rewarded with two Soriano home runs and a lobster-red hairline.

5. The very next day, I finally saw my first Cubs loss of the season against the Pirates on a sunny Saturday afternoon in the bleachers. Despite multiple applications of sunblock, I came away with crimson arms to match my forehead. I also left bitter after having to see Alfonso Soriano hit four home runs in two days.

Despite the Cubs being incredibly irritating, (leading the majors? Don't you think that's a WEE BIT over the top?) I'm excited for the rest of the summer. I have all sorts of baseball related adventures planned, starting tonight with a work event at a suite in Wrigley. Then this Saturday I'm headed to St. Louis with three college pals to see the Phillies game. Even though the people I'm going with are all Cubs fans, I'm confident that will be cancelled out by the 43,000 Cardinals fans surrounding us. Then NEXT weekend, I've leveraged my life savings in order to head out for a Saturday afternoon St. Louis vs. BoSox game at Fenway. This will be followed promptly by a 4th of July trip up to Milwaukee where I'll make my first visit to Miller Park for a Pirates/Brewers contest. With my annual family trip to St. Louis in July and another family field trip to an August Cards vs. Cubs game at Wrigley, I'm in for a whole bunch of hot dogs and beer over the course of the summer. Tragic, isn't it? The pity party for me officially starts....NOW.

Please Tell Me This Is Just A Bad Dream

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the Chicago Cubs have picked up Jim Edmonds. He is at Wrigley Field right now. Playing baseball. FOR THE CUBS. I know this has been rumored for a few days and I'm certainly not the first to say it, but DAMMIT, this just isn't right! Under no circumstances is it okay for Jim Edmonds to wear a Cubs jersey. This just upsets the natural order of things and I'll be honest...I'm not happy about it. (I know, isn't it shocking?) Ironically, I'm not sure who this bothers most: Cardinal fans or Cubs fans. From what I understand, Jimmy E isn't particularly popular in Wrigleyville. Upon mentioning his name, most of the Cubs fans I know usually spout off some variation of "Edmonds is a showboating, injury prone, excessively cocky jerkface that wears guyliner." My favorite anecdote comes from one such Cubs fan who watched Edmonds play in an afternoon game at Wrigley. In response to incessant taunting from the bleacher monkeys, Edmonds flipped up his middle finger and held it behind his back. And then at his next at-bat, he hit a homerun. I LOVE that story. I just cannot believe he's now going to be playing for these idiots. And instead of hating him, they're going to be cheering for him. I've already gotten an email from one friend today saying, "Edmonds is in center field right now. He got a hit too and is 1 for 3. I really don’t mind him and kind of like the way he goes about playing the game." Huh??? No you don't, you big liar! A week ago you called to goad me about the Padres releasing him! Until this moment, you hated him more than any other human that's ever played in the NL Central! Jim Edmonds is 100% vintage Cardinal. Like Carlos Zambrano for the Cubs, he epitomizes everything that Chicago fans hate about their St. Louis rivals and represents a quintessential part of that rivalry's history. It's agonizing that he is now going to be used against us by our most loathsome enemy. Next to the Cardinals signing Big Z Ball Scratcher himself, it's simply the most backwards acquisition I could conceivably imagine. Next thing you know, he and Zambrano are going to put aside their long and documented history of mutual detestation and become car pool buddies. (Assuming Zambrano doesn't actually EAT him before then.) Then I really won't know what to do with myself. It's physically painful to think about.

I guess the only good news is that Jimmy has not been playing well AT ALL this year. Plus, he's getting up there in the age department and has had approximately 93 concussions over the course of his career. He's not quite as sharp as he once was, let's just put it that way. He'll be injured or slumping before we know it and then Cubs fans can go back to hating him like they're supposed to.

It's About Damn Time

As a result of his complete inability to stop colossally screwing everything up, Jason Isringhausen has finally and MERCIFULLY been yanked as the Cardinal's closer. This man has been giving me stress induced asthma attacks for years now and it would be difficult for me to pinpoint a time that I didn't believe that even the games he DOES save aren't total freak accidents. I have not once felt comfortable with him coming onto the mound, particularly in a close game. My mom will actually leave the room when he comes in, as the tension emanating from my dad and me is absolutely palpable. No lead is big enough going into the ninth inning when you know Izzy is going to be responsible for maintaining it. Which is too bad, really. He does, after all, lead the National League with 11 saves this year. However, he's also tied for the most BLOWN saves in the NL with 5. Brand new and shocking information this is NOT. The poor guy just cannot help himself from giving up game winning runs of any and every variety. Maybe I just don't appreciate the subtle nuances of his pitching style. Maybe in some alternate "Isringhausen Universe" it is somehow strategically favorable to avoid a one-two-three inning. But I doubt it.

Tony LaRussa is calling this a "mental break." Whatever, you say, dude. I mean, no one within the Cardinals organization can really just come out and say that Isringhausen sucks at his job, but that doesn't mean I don't fervently believe this to be true. There is not one single player on the entire Cardinals roster that has caused me to clutch my head in my hands and make the guttural sound of a moose suffering from severe food poisoning more frequently than him. He has forced me to say a LOT of swear words over the last several seasons. A LOT of swear words. Perhaps this little respite of his will allow me to expand my vocabulary to include rhetoric that WON'T get me kicked out of public places or threatened with jail time.

We're Winners!!!

Over the last several weeks it has become glaringly obvious that the quality of my posts are inversely related to how well the Cardinals are playing. Without the proper inspiration to formulate new and creative ways to kill myself, this blog lacks the pizazz and sassiness I'm just SURE it's known for. Some of that "je ne sais quoi", if you will. This is to say that when the Cardinals are winning, it puts me in such a good mood that I don't even feel the need to make fun of Carlos Zambrano. (And let's get serious. I mine a LOT of content out of that shitbag.) What am I supposed to write about all summer if things keep going like this? I'm starting to get nervous that my stylized homerism is being rendered obsolete, as my creative brain matter only functions when I'm pissed off and borderline psychopathic. What on earth can I talk about with any kind of conviction when it's all unicorns and rainbows in Cardinal Land? At 21-12 the Birds are in first place with a 2.5 game lead over the Scrubbies, who they took 2 of 3 from over the weekend. After Albert Pujols blazed around the base paths last night to score the winning run in the ninth against the Rockies, I'm really getting concerned. It's almost like these guys actually ENJOY winning baseball contests. Where in god's name did this come from?

Anyway, while this has obviously been a fun and fantastic start to the season for Cardinal fans, the natural pessimist in me can't help but brace myself for a mid/late summer implosion. Winning sure is fun, but when the season lasts for what feels like 19 centuries, one can never get too comfortable. It's a little something I like to call "Defensive Fandom". Plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to become a raging alcoholic in the process. So while I obviously cheer for the Cardinals to continue their success, I think I'd better go stab myself in the leg with a letter opener just to remember what it feels like. You just never know when we might offer a contract to someone like Kip Wells or Mike Maroth. It's best to already be appropriately disgruntled.

Testy, Testy

I don't know what everyone is so crabby about, but it looks like the Redbirds and Astros just cannot get along. The benches cleared on both Saturday and Sunday, further escalating heightened tensions between the two teams that stem from an April 8th incident in which Albert Pujols made an aggressive slide into catcher J.R. Towles. Despite Pujols issuing a personal apology to Towles, he and pitcher Brandon Backe exchanged words the following day, presumably setting the stage for this weekend's profusion of aggression. Saturday's fracas began when Adam Wainwright flung a pitch behind Houston's Brad Ausmus. Seeing this as payback for Roy Oswalt hitting Jason LaRue with a pitch a half inning earlier, all hell broke loose. Then on Sunday, a high pitch from Brandon Backe caused Yadier Molina's temper to boil over. Players spilled out from both dugouts as he exchanged words with Backe and headed towards the mound. The argument quickly dissolved and play resumed, although Molina was still angry about the situation after the game and offered no apology for his reaction. From MLB.com:

"I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't expecting that pitch that close, right in my face. If you're going to try to hit somebody, you've got to do it in the body. You can't throw it in the head. That's not professional. That's not baseball. That's not human."

Yeesh. Mr. Molina does not appear to be in a very forgiving state of mind, which leads me to believe that we may not have seen the end of this St. Louis vs. Houston conflict. Call me crazy, but I don't think Enya and a bubble bath are going to resolve these hard feelings. However, based on the outcome of those two games, a general sense of animosity does not appear to be a problem for the Cardinals. In fact, these guys seem to feed off of it. These are certainly not the only instances in recent memory where anger has been a motivating factor for Pujols & Company. That said, the Cardinals took the series 2-1 and are 16-10 heading into tonight's home game against Bronson Arroyo and the Cincinnati Reds. I'm personally hoping Adam Dunn pees in Molina's locker.

I Believe This is Reckless Endangerment

Is Milwaukee the only team we play this summer? For crying out loud, I think we've already faced them 27 times this year. What's worse is that I think they're finally catching on to us, because like last Thursday's game, the Brewers were able to squeak one out and away from us yesterday afternoon. It took them 12 innings to do it this time around, but the end result was the same: a big ol' disappointing loss for the Cardinals. Despite a late inning rally that tied things up in the ninth, the Redbirds couldn't get anything going again in extra innings and fell 9-8.

Per MLB.com,

"Eight runs and nine innings weren't enough for the Cardinals on Tuesday.
Neither were three middle infielders. And remarkably, 13 pitchers almost didn't
cover it, either. Four hours and 28 minutes of baseball culminated in Gabe
Kapler's one-out RBI single in the 12th inning, ending a bizarre game as the
Cardinals lost to the Brewers, 9-8, at Miller Park. Seven Cardinals and eight
Brewers pitched, Albert Pujols made an appearance at second base and the
Cardinals left a staggering 16 runners on base. "

Good grief. The only way this could have been more of a circus is if they'd brought in some dancing bears in funny hats or shot a guy out of a cannon. Reading the entire game summary, you get the feeling that NOBODY on that field had any clue what was going on. I would imagine it looked a lot like that scene in Armageddon where meteors are falling all over New York City and people are running screaming everywhere as cars explode and the top of the Chrysler building falls off. With baseballs and human bodies flying every which way (Albert played second? HUH???), it sounds like it was a sloptastic orgy of loosely organized chaos. So even though neither bullpen showed any functional utility as members of professional baseball teams, it's nice to know that any of these guys would make wonderful antagonists in the next Michael Bay movie.

Oh, Crap

I should know better than to go blabbering on about how excited I am over Redbird success. It is very obviously a hex of some kind.

After tying it up in the 8th, Prince Fielder just hit a two run shot off of Little Brad in the 10th and the Brewers have taken a 5-3 lead.

Siiiiiigh.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand that's a final. Fortunately, happy hour is only sixty minutes away.

So, wait...WHAT?

Holy crap. Holy FREAKING crap. As I write this, the St. Louis Cardinals are leading the Milwaukee Brewers 3-0 going into the 8th inning of the last in this three game series. Of which they've won the previous two. Deductive reasoning therefore suggests that the Cardinals are on their way towards sweeping the Brewers. Adding to that, the Birds were 11-4 going into this game and tied with Arizona for the best current record in major league baseball. I'm not even sure how to properly process this information. Am I dead?

Some highlights: Wainwright pitched 7 2/3 innings last night, giving up two runs on five hits in a 5-4 win. He also hit a solo home run and a single. He is apparently awesome at everything. Also, Ricky Ankiel forced a 1st inning, 17 pitch plate appearance into a walk. SEVENTEEN PITCHES. That is, I believe, a pretty solid at-bat. It should therefore be noted that he is ALSO awesome. Then, the Cardinals extended their collective awesomeness into Tuesday with a 6-1 win. According to the MLB.com recap, "The Cardinals won with 12 hits, 11 of them singles, from eight different players. Seven different Redbirds either scored a run, drove one in, or both." Also, even though Braden Looper gave up five walks, he only allowed a single run. So even when he kind of sucks, he is STILL awesome.

In summary, to my complete and utter surprise, the Cardinals are winning lots of baseball games. I did not see this coming. However, in case I have not made it abundantly clear, this is...well, AWESOME.

Now THIS Is More Like It

Well you just KNEW something like this was going to happen. Things were going far too smoothly for there not to be some kind of mild catastrophe. Giving us a glimpse of the massacre that WAS the 2007 season, Joel Pineiro returned from the DL last night and promptly started to suck terribly. I think some of the Giants lineup actually started batting blindfolded just to make things interesting. After 3 2/3 agonizing innings, he had given up 10 hits (4 of which were extra base) and 6 runs. Welcome back, Joel!!!! Little Brad Thompson stopped riding his Big Wheel around the bullpen long enough to come in and stop the bleeding. He pitched 2 1/3 scoreless innings, which at least gave Cardinals fans the illusion that the Birds were back in it. They weren't, of course, and ended up losing 7-4. Oh misery, how I've missed you!

It should be noted that the Cards actually ended up splitting the series with the Giants and ended up playing one of the more entertaining games this season on Saturday afternoon. After coming back from an early 5 run deficit, Jason Isringhausen managed to cough up a 7-5 lead in the bottom of the ninth, reminding me of how he sometimes makes me want to swallow my own arm. Enter the previously slumping Chris Duncan, who graciously smacked in what would be the game winning run in the 10th and made it possible for me to avoid guzzling a gallon of unleaded. After Albert Pujols' 4 RBI trouncing of Barry Zito on Friday night, I really can't complain much. The Cards are still 9-4 and a half game ahead of the Brewers to lead the division. But honestly, it just doesn't feel right if I'm not complaining about SOMETHING.

This is Sort of Fun

Good grief, what's with all this WINNING? The Cardinals are alone in first place for the first time since the end of the 2006 season. And this team is supposed to be ABYSMAL. I'm so confused I don't even know what to do with myself.

Even more bizarre, is that EVERYONE appears to be contributing. The starting rotation isn't giving up 37 runs a game and the relief corp (including Anthony Reyes, who had another strong day yesterday) is doing a solid job of holding off the late inning surges. Ricky Ankiel leads the team with 3 homers and 8 RBIs this year, although Mr. Albert Pujols lit up last night with two homeruns against the Astros and will no doubt continue to carve a path of destruction through the rest of the season as long as he can stay healthy. Meanwhile, Troy Glaus, Yadier Molina, Ryan Ludwick and even Adam Kennedy are consistent threats at the plate. These guys have combined for 28 hits and 18 RBIs with the entire team collaborating to outscore their opponents 39-25. After nine games, the Redbirds have won seven and taken all three series.

You know...I'm rather enjoying this. I was completely unprepared for such early season satisfaction. What on earth do I do with all of this leftover sarcasm and bitterness? God knows I can't just start going around being nice to people.

Little Brad Is All Growed Up

I'm not quite sure what to make of Brad Thompson. I mean, it's really hard to take a pitcher seriously when he looks like he probably spends his weekends watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and picking on his eight year old sister. Anytime he plays well, I find myself utterly shell shocked. And when he doesn't, I just hope that the media is nice to him. (Leave the kid alone! He's so fragile and innocent!) I know this isn't fair. He is, after all, a fully grown man that has been successful enough thus far to justify his place in the starting rotation of a major league baseball team. But still. That youthful face belies his abilities, which now that I think about it, isn't such a bad thing. Maybe, like Braden Looper was last season, Little Brad Thompson will be a surprise weapon. After pitching 6 2/3 shutout innings against the defending National League Champions yesterday afternoon, he appears to be a surprisingly consistent and potentially dominant part of our rotation. At no point did he make me nervous or cause an increase in my heart rate. I'm telling you, I could get used to that.

Someone else that surprised me in yesterday's game was Anthony Reyes. First of all, he came in relief of Little Brad and struck out the first and only three batters he faced. Second of all, he came in relief of Little Brad. Since when is he in the bullpen? Apparently I need to keep a closer eye on our roster. Anyway, I don't know how that will work out in the long run, but it appeared to be an effective move yesterday. Honestly, it was just nice to see him pitch well, period. That should do wonders for his confidence. That flat-billed cap and goofy socks? Not so much.

Offensively, it was just more of what we've seen the past few days. By which I mean, Rick Ankiel and Troy Glaus consecutively finagling their way on base and tacking on back-to-back RBIs. Little Brad knocked in that very last run (his first RBI of the year), which probably made this the best day of his life, second only to the time he ramped over that really big pile of dirt on his Huffy and then bought a cherry dip cone with extra sprinkles. Which I think was actually on Monday.

And So It Begins...

So, Opening Day has come and gone (and come and gone again) resulting in an inaugural St. Louis loss for the second year in a row. If we're taking that as an indicator of what's to come this season, we are in for a looooong year. Being the eternal optimist that I am, however, I choose to ignorantly believe that it's only going to be slightly more depressing then an episode of that show Intervention. (Which, by the way, is absolute NIGHTMARE FUEL. Why would I EVER want to see homeless people inject themselves with heroin?) What looked so very promising on Monday quickly evaporated when a monsoon blew through and washed away our 4 run lead, a Pujols homerun and 2 Ankiel RBIs. An almost certain win courtesy of Adam Wainwright was wiped from the books after three innings and postponed until last night. Then, despite seven shutout innings from Kyle Lohse, our lineup could not overcome the pitching legend that IS Kip Wells. He inexplicably allowed only one run off of a Yadier Molina homerun, beginning what is sure to be another season of him runing my life. And he doesn't even play for us anymore. ARRRGH!! ANYWAY, moving on... the bullpen then helpfully coughed up two runs in the eighth, which was in typical Cardinals fashion, the only offensive output our opponent needed to put our first notch in the L column. Oh, I know. I couldn't believe it either.

I was also disappointed that I didn't get to see the Zambrano Explosion on Monday. That big smug ass only gave up 3 hits and a single walk in his 6 2/3 innings before Kerry Wood came in and rendered that performance GLORIOUSLY irrelevant by choking up three runs in the 9th. That Kosuke Fukudome guy (who will from this point forward be referred to as Sucky Dome in an attempt to resist using a more obvious expletive based nickname. I'm mature!) made things exciting as he launched an Eric Gagne delight into the bleachers to tie it up in the bottom of the ninth. The game ended on a 10th inning Tony Gwynn, Jr. sac fly, which considered collectively is, I admit, almost as pleasing as the Zambrano Explosion itself. It's going to be the small things this year, people.

Let's Play Catch...Up

It's been over six months now since my last post, so I figured it might do me some good to work off a little rust before Opening Day and comment on some of the significant happenings of the fall and winter months. It's never to early to tune up the sarcasm and cynicism! God knows, I'm going to need a lot of that (and vodka) to get through the 2008 season.

1. For starters, the Cardinals of St. Louis bid farewell to 2006 World Series MVP David Eckstein. I knew this was coming, but it still made me a little sad if for no other reason then he was my Mom's favorite Cardinal player. (He reminds her of her grandson. Awwwww!!!!)

2. So Taguchi hit the road. He also has special familial significance because it was a foul ball off of his bat last summer that permanently disfigured my sister's back. She and I even have T-shirts commemorating the event because we're JUST that cool.

3. Aaron Miles also left. And came back. So...yeah. There's that.

4. Jimmy Edmonds went home to Southern Cal to finish out the last year of his career. I am personally hoping to get my annual St. Louis trip planned around his trip back to Busch Stadium in June. I imagine he'll get one hell of an ovation.

5. We acquired two former Scrubbies in the form of Cesar Izturis and Matt Clement. Oh boy, here we go. I somehow don't see this ending well for me.

6. The Mitchell Report implicated former Cardinals Fernando Vina and Gary Bennet along with current players Ryan Franklin and Rick Ankiel. If you haven't already read enough about this damn report, I urge you to seek therapy. Immediately.

7. The City of Chicago approved a request to renovate Wrigley Field, adding additional seating and signage. Thank god. There weren't nearly enough assholes at those games as it was.

8. Roger Clemens lied about stuff and got mad at Andy Pettite. Again, if you haven't seen enough coverage of this, you need help. Or perhaps someone capable of throwing you down a flight of stairs.

9. Chicago Cubs signed some Japanese player with a name that is borderline pornographic. I truly have no idea how it is properly pronounced, but I promise you, I will enjoy saying it incorrectly ALL SUMMER LONG.

10. Scottie Rolen was traded to Toronto. You know, I'm really going to miss that Limp Bizkit tune.

11. Mark Prior bolts Chicago for San Diego. Hopefully he didn't break a nail on his way there.

12. Kip Wells disappears from the St. Louis roster and interestingly enough, I feel no sadness or gaping empty void in my soul. I know, isn't it SHOCKING?

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to the new season and seeing how well our young little team will fare. (Editors note: Probably not very.) I'll more than likely want to rip off my own arm and beat myself to death with it by June, but what's spring good for without a little unjustified optimism?

It's Lights Out At Busch Stadium

After last night's bittersweet victory, I'd be happy not winning another game this season. (And let's face it folks, there's a chance we won't.) Even though it technically didn't have any value, it was poetic to have the very last home game of the season play out the way it did. By the time the Cardinals return from their seven day, seven game road trip to end the year, the divisional and wild card races will have been decided and the sporting world will have all but forgotten the wacky, bi-polar and ultimately disappointing 2007 Redbirds. However, weary fans will have one last happy memory to cling to in the long months leading up to spring training. Last night after Jason Isringhausen gave up a two run homerun in the top of the ninth to break a 1-1 tie, Miguel Cairo, Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel and Brad Lidge combined to help the Cardinals come back in the bottom of the frame for an unlikely 4-3 win over the Astros. After Cairo singled and Ryan Ludwick walked, Pujols pinch hit in place of David Eckstein and cracked a high pitch against the wall in left-center for his 99th RBI of the season. Then Rick Ankiel stepped to the plate, fought himself out of a jam and skipped a shot along the first base line, which brought in Ludwick and pinch runner Brian Barden. (I don't know who that Barden guy is, but he tore around the bases like he was being chased by wolves.) It was ruled a 2 RBI triple. End of game. Like I said, a beautiful way to close out the year at Busch. (Although I'm pretty sure Brad Lidge disagrees, poor guy.) After the tumultuous 2007 season, both the players and the fans deserved it. A happy taste is left in our collective mouths as we enter the long offseason and begin looking forward to a new and promising blank slate.

Anyhow, it's nearing the end of what has turned out to be a wild ride. Heck, I don't even know if I'll post again before the year closes on Sunday. I can't imagine anything noteworthy happening, considering none of the upcoming games really matter much. So what does that mean for this little blog? It's difficult to say. I imagine I'll check in from time to time in the offseason to ruminate over the coming year, comment on significant trades and personnel shifts and whine about it actually NOT being baseball season. Aside from that, who knows. I suppose anything is possible! No matter what goes down, I'm already looking forward to spring, the fresh season and all of the new material that will provide. In the meantime, enjoy the playoffs everybody. It's looking more and more likely that my worst fears will be realized and the Cubs will take the division. (It's perverted, but I'm kind of hoping we lose to the Brewers over the next three days. Imagining the Cubs in the postseason is nightmare fuel.) At any rate, I'm sure I'll stop by to express my displeasure/delight over how they fare. Thanks for your patronage this summer, friends, and please be sure to tip your waitress.

Wait For It, Wait For It....UGH

For the love of all things holy, is this seriously how things are going to be for the rest of the year? Can we please TRY to win a game every once in a while??? It really isn't funny anymore. It has gotten to the point where I either completely expect it or really don't give a damn. The only difference between now and all the games played earlier this season is my complete and utter indifference. For me, baseball season has been over for a week now. There are way too many infinitely more interesting things going in sports for me to be suicidal about a team that is going to be rendered completely irrelevant in a couple of weeks. Sadly, I write a blog about Cardinal baseball. Someone should have warned me about this.

Does anyone care about specifics? I highly doubt it, but here it goes. After chipping away at an 11-0 deficit, the Redbirds managed to come back and lose 13-11 to the Phillies last night. This was all courtesy of...huh?...wait for it...Brad Thompson? To be fair, he was only dinged for three earned runs in 3 1/3 innings. Hell, I didn't even know he played for us anymore. Ironically, Mike Maroth came in for three quick outs in the sixth, his first 1-2-3- outing since July 27th. Chalk this up to another shoulda, woulda, coulda day at the ballpark for our friendly St. Louis Cardinals. For those keeping track at home, that's 11 losses out of our last 12 tries. Christ. Is it too late to be a Padres fan?

PS: Despite everything else, the Zambrano Implosion is always amusing. See? Baseball can still be fun!

Breaking News: We May Not Be Terrific At Baseball

I gotta tell you, I had a pretty rough weekend. Watching the Cardinals struggle yet again against the Cubs made me physically ill. I'm not exaggerating. Friday night appeared as though it was going to get interesting there in the ninth inning, yet naturally ended anticlimactically for me. This in turn caused me to do the whole "screw it, I don't even care" beer binge. Several hours later, I was wandering home trying not to run face first into scaffolding or fall in front of moving cars. Saturday, I was forced to leave the bar with a tension headache after simultaneously watching the Iowa Hawkeyes get kicked in the crotch by Iowa State and the Cardinals get gobbled alive by Alfonso Soriano. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I was out with three Iowa State Cyclone/Chicago Cubs fans. The good news is, I was at a bar that supports the University of Iowa, so I was in sympathetic company. (There were even a few Redbird fans circulating around.) Also, the aforementioned Clone/Scrubs fans are genuinely nice guys. They are also very wise, as they allowed me plenty of postgame time to pout and behave like my father. One was even so kind as to buy me a drink as a peace offering. Unfortunately, none of their kindnesses helped get rid of my throbbing headache and I was home and in bed at 5:30. Sometimes I really, really hate sports. Did this stop me from rising this morning to take in an entire day of NFL goodness? Of course not. Tom Brady isn't going to ogle at himself, people. Plus, seeing as though Rex Grossman is the laughingstock of the Chicago media, SOMEONE needed to cheer the guy along. (For the record, he wasn't TOTALLY awful today.)

Anyway, I digress. The Cardinals lost again today behind another disastrous effort by Mark Mulder, who couldn't even make it out of the third inning. I'm not kidding. Every time I go to the Cardinals web site to check scores or investigate coming match-ups, I have the same reaction. Inevitably, the headline is "_____ is on the mound today to try and break Cardinal's skid." To which I mutter, "Maroth? Are you kidding me? Yeah right." Cue another loss. Next day, "Pineiro?? Okay, sure. In my dreams." Cue another loss. Next day, "Mulder??? Is this a freaking joke? No way!!" Cue another loss. Next day, "Kip Wells????? Just STAB ME IN THE THROAT ALREADY!!!!" Cue, yet another, Cardinal loss. By the time we get back around to Wainwright or Looper I'm so close to hysterics I can't even focus anymore. I'm starting to wonder why I do this to myself on purpose. Mediocrity is depressing.

So, now what? I guess despite the grim prognosis, we as St. Louis baseball fans soldier on. The season isn't over yet, unfortunately. I bet good ol' Kippy Wells has another couple of EXPLOSIVE starts in his immediate future. WEEEEE!!!! Thank GOD football is back. It's a lot more exciting to have multiple reasons for random violent and psychotic outbursts. At the very least it'll make the coroner's job a lot more interesting when they try to figure out exactly WHY I jumped off that really tall building.

We Came, We Laughed, We Cried, We Cried Harder

Well folks, there you have it. I really thought that this current losing skid had to stop at some point and that maybe somewhere along the way I'd have something inspiring to say about keeping our chins up, soldiering on, staying the course and maybe, oh I don't know, not SUCKING anymore. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened yet and I could no longer in good faith continue to ignore the stretch and the glaring possibility that it may not end.

In the wake of the whole Rick Ankiel/HGH scandal, the St. Louis Cardinals have lost seven straight games, while previously unstoppable Ankiel has gone an embarrassingly anemic 1 for 23. The Birds have slumped to five games out of first place. And that dazzling rise above .500? Yeah, much like the season, that's history as well as we've sunken to six games under.

So my question here is, WHAT THE @#$! happened? (Obviously aside from the starting rotation returning to shiteous form. Christ. What's wrong with these guys?) I mean, I'm not a total idiot. I had no grand illusions that we wouldn't eventually face plant and knock ourselves into obscurity. The big race to see who isn't the biggest loser in the NL Central is and has been a joke all along. Had we won that illustrious prize it would have proved nothing except that, hey, even ridiculously crappy teams can go to the playoffs! Even through our hot streak in August it at no point really seemed like we were a well conditioned machine clicking along efficiently at a calm, controlled and steady pace. No, it seemed much more like a drunk guy at a shooting range. The bullets were squeezing out quickly, furiously and erratically, yet inexplicably they were hitting the target more often then not. There was no logic or skill to it. We are not and have not been a good baseball team all season. Still, it's disappointing to go out like this, just as I predicted we would, in the shadow of the Ankiel allegations. It really was the final straw for a beaten and battered Cardinal Nation. Players, management and fans alike pretty well threw up their hands and said, "screw it, this ain't worth it. We suck, man." I'd hoped I was wrong and that the media storm wouldn't get inside Ankiel's fragile psyche. Obviously, one thing he's not developed in his incredible comeback is thick skin. Hell, he's so sensitive to criticism I swear that one "your mama's so fat" joke and this guy'd be curled up in the dugout sucking his thumb. I realize I have a tendency towards the dramatic, but I think that in this case it's warranted. I really don't envision us rebounding from this. In fact, at this point I'm not even sure I want us to. I've had enough heartache this summer (mixed, I suppose, with just enough pleasure to keep me from weeping openly,) that I'm almost happy to pack it in for the year. Who knows, though. Maybe it's all just a giant coincidence. Maybe we're just going through another slump and it has nothing to do with Ankiel. Maybe we've still got a late season spark left in us that'll at the very least allow us to go out on a high note. But somehow I doubt it.

So in that spirit, GO MILWAUKEE!! I mean, someone's got to win this division, right?

Et Tu, Ankiel?

I got up this morning in a pretty damn good mood. Despite some recent setbacks, the Cardinals have still managed to fight and claw their way within one game of the tied-for-first-place Brewers and Cubs. When I went to bed last night, Carlos Zambrano had been exposed as a universal jackoff, Ryan Dempster had blown a crucial save against the Dodgers and Rick Ankiel had smoked two homeruns for 7 RBI's to lead the Cardinals to a 16-4 beatdown of the Pirates. Everything was peaceful and right with the world.

Then I woke up this morning to the New York Daily News article. I am unequivocally and painfully STUNNED. Coming the morning after what was arguably his greatest game to date, it has been revealed that the St. Louis Cardinals' comeback kid has been implicated in the use of performance enhancing drug HGH. Talk about BUZZ KILL. I feel like I just got punched in the stomach. Even without knowing the validity or relevance of the accusations, I can't help but be supremely disappointed. The proverbial bubble has been burst, the illusion of innocence shattered. If the allegations are true, it doesn't matter if he stopped taking the drugs before the 2005 ban went into place. It still changes everything because his unbelievable story is going to be permanently viewed with suspicion anyway. There are a lot of people talking about the development this morning, all of them more articulately then me. See here, here and here.

My personal take? Siiiiigh. I don't know. I'm not sure I'm over the initial shock and horror of it all just yet. In a season plagued by ugliness, from Tony LaRussa's DUI, to Josh Hancock's death, to the serious injuries eliminating Chris Carpenter, Josh Kinney, Preston Wilson and Scott Rolen, to less serious injuries sustained over the course of the year by Yadier Molina, David Eckstein, Jim Edmonds and Mike Maroth, to Scott Spiezio's undisclosed substance abuse problem, to Juan Encarnacion's potential career ending eye injury and then finally to just a general rash of bad pitching, weak hitting and sloppy play, THIS is the real heartbreaker. It is especially and arguably the MOST devastating, because it has been DESPITE these other things that the team has rallied around Ankiel's triumphant return and played well enough and hard enough to muscle themselves back into the pennant race. To find out his astounding return to MLB success was at any point aided by the use of illegal drugs completely takes the magic out of things and makes it seem less like a Disney-ready movie and more like another inevitable fall from grace that is all too common now among professional athletes. Obviously, I'm hoping his use was only temporary and extended only so far as that years worth prescribed to him in 2004. I'm hoping that the feats he's accomplished this year are unblemished by performance enhancers and that his brush with the underbelly of professional sports lasted only so long as his recovery from Tommy John surgery. I'm hoping that once the ban was placed in 2005 that he walked away and has been clean ever since. Yet what if all of that is true? What if he truly hasn't used HGH since then and has achieved his current degree of success due only to hard work and perseverance? Do the allegations then make "The Natural" any less of a phenomenon? In theory, no, of course not. However, in the court of public opinion people are always going to wonder and the more cynical are always going to assume his guilt. Unfortunately, Ankiel has no real way of proving it one way or another and he'll probably always bear the scarlet letter that so many contemporary and historical greats are saddled with. It was the perceived pureness of his improbable and unlikely story that made baseball fans believe that miracles can happen and underdogs can succeed. He was a wholesome reminder that goodness can and does occasionally prevail in major league baseball. I fear that no matter how this all pans out, his accomplishments will forever be linked to this alleged dark spot in his history. That makes me unbearably sad.

It would make me feel a lot better to hear Rick Ankiel himself publicly address and clarify the claims. Cardinal fans, hell baseball fans in general, need to hear what he has to say. After all, Ankiel's story doesn't just pertain to St. Louis fans anymore. We ALL deserve to hear his side of the story and frankly, he deserves to tell it. As we head into a pivotal series against the Diamondbacks and Brandon Webb tonight, the last thing the Cardinals need is another gutwrenching setback to shift the focus. These guys are obviously scrappy, but one has to wonder how much more they can possibly take. Make me a believer again, Rick!

Big Z Is Big Baby

The jokes just write themselves, people. There isn't anything I can say that will do this series of events justice. In summary, Carlos Zambrano signed a $91.5M five-year contract with the Chicago Cubs, stunk up his next five starts, got booed by the fans and then cried about it.

Give me a break, Big Z. These are the most patient, pacified and complacent fans you'll find in all of baseball. Sometimes I don't even think they MIND losing they're so used to it. So COME ON!! Things must be pretty damn bad for them to react with such voracity. Generally, I don't like when fans boo their own players. It makes me uncomfortable and kind of sad. It's counter intuitive to me and I'll never really understand why fans do it or how it makes them feel better about a player or team that's struggling. I just don't see how it helps anything. However, I also think fans have the right to express their frustration and unhappiness over greedy, mouthy, egotistical hotheads that aren't pulling their weight or giving anyone reason to believe they're deserving of the big fat multi-million dollar contract they just landed. The Cubs spent the big bucks on Zambrano because they expected him to be a reliable ace. He's supposed to be the powerhouse pitcher in that rotation and if he wants to be treated that way, he needs to be playing that way. Now, I'm not saying it isn't okay for players to slump or go through some rough patches, but I AM saying it's ridiculous and ill-advised to then take it out on the people who are paying exorbitant tickets prices to sit and watch you do it. Being in the media spotlight, people like Carlos Zambrano can't afford to be quick tempered, rash and childish. You have to play for these fans for the next five years, buddy, and despite your half-assed PR generated apology, I don't think they are going to be so easy to forgive you. This becomes especially true if you can't start pitching like the guy they're paying for. It also doesn't do you any favors to tell a city of people that have been stubbornly loyal to this team for the past 99 years despite it sucking terribly that they are only thinking of themselves. Are you kidding me? Are they really supposed to feel sorry for you? Because I'm highly confident you weren't thinking about THEM when you were sitting down to ink that nearly $100M contract, you big whiner.

Anyhow, at least I'm not the only one in Chicago who hates him anymore. See, Cubs fans! I've been telling you all along, you just can't trust people that refer to themselves in the third person. At least that's what Lindsay Trumbull thinks.