Monday, September 24, 2007

It's Lights Out At Busch Stadium


After last night's bittersweet victory, I'd be happy not winning another game this season. (And let's face it folks, there's a chance we won't.) Even though it technically didn't have any value, it was poetic to have the very last home game of the season play out the way it did. By the time the Cardinals return from their seven day, seven game road trip to end the year, the divisional and wild card races will have been decided and the sporting world will have all but forgotten the wacky, bi-polar and ultimately disappointing 2007 Redbirds. However, weary fans will have one last happy memory to cling to in the long months leading up to spring training. Last night after Jason Isringhausen gave up a two run homerun in the top of the ninth to break a 1-1 tie, Miguel Cairo, Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel and Brad Lidge combined to help the Cardinals come back in the bottom of the frame for an unlikely 4-3 win over the Astros. After Cairo singled and Ryan Ludwick walked, Pujols pinch hit in place of David Eckstein and cracked a high pitch against the wall in left-center for his 99th RBI of the season. Then Rick Ankiel stepped to the plate, fought himself out of a jam and skipped a shot along the first base line, which brought in Ludwick and pinch runner Brian Barden. (I don't know who that Barden guy is, but he tore around the bases like he was being chased by wolves.) It was ruled a 2 RBI triple. End of game. Like I said, a beautiful way to close out the year at Busch. (Although I'm pretty sure Brad Lidge disagrees, poor guy.) After the tumultuous 2007 season, both the players and the fans deserved it. A happy taste is left in our collective mouths as we enter the long offseason and begin looking forward to a new and promising blank slate.

Anyhow, it's nearing the end of what has turned out to be a wild ride. Heck, I don't even know if I'll post again before the year closes on Sunday. I can't imagine anything noteworthy happening, considering none of the upcoming games really matter much. So what does that mean for this little blog? It's difficult to say. I imagine I'll check in from time to time in the offseason to ruminate over the coming year, comment on significant trades and personnel shifts and whine about it actually NOT being baseball season. Aside from that, who knows. I suppose anything is possible! No matter what goes down, I'm already looking forward to spring, the fresh season and all of the new material that will provide. In the meantime, enjoy the playoffs everybody. It's looking more and more likely that my worst fears will be realized and the Cubs will take the division. (It's perverted, but I'm kind of hoping we lose to the Brewers over the next three days. Imagining the Cubs in the postseason is nightmare fuel.) At any rate, I'm sure I'll stop by to express my displeasure/delight over how they fare. Thanks for your patronage this summer, friends, and please be sure to tip your waitress.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Wait For It, Wait For It....UGH


For the love of all things holy, is this seriously how things are going to be for the rest of the year? Can we please TRY to win a game every once in a while??? It really isn't funny anymore. It has gotten to the point where I either completely expect it or really don't give a damn. The only difference between now and all the games played earlier this season is my complete and utter indifference. For me, baseball season has been over for a week now. There are way too many infinitely more interesting things going in sports for me to be suicidal about a team that is going to be rendered completely irrelevant in a couple of weeks. Sadly, I write a blog about Cardinal baseball. Someone should have warned me about this.

Does anyone care about specifics? I highly doubt it, but here it goes. After chipping away at an 11-0 deficit, the Redbirds managed to come back and lose 13-11 to the Phillies last night. This was all courtesy of...huh?...wait for it...Brad Thompson? To be fair, he was only dinged for three earned runs in 3 1/3 innings. Hell, I didn't even know he played for us anymore. Ironically, Mike Maroth came in for three quick outs in the sixth, his first 1-2-3- outing since July 27th. Chalk this up to another shoulda, woulda, coulda day at the ballpark for our friendly St. Louis Cardinals. For those keeping track at home, that's 11 losses out of our last 12 tries. Christ. Is it too late to be a Padres fan?
PS: Despite everything else, the Zambrano Implosion is always amusing. See? Baseball can still be fun!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Breaking News: We May Not Be Terrific At Baseball


I gotta tell you, I had a pretty rough weekend. Watching the Cardinals struggle yet again against the Cubs made me physically ill. I'm not exaggerating. Friday night appeared as though it was going to get interesting there in the ninth inning, yet naturally ended anticlimactically for me. This in turn caused me to do the whole "screw it, I don't even care" beer binge. Several hours later, I was wandering home trying not to run face first into scaffolding or fall in front of moving cars. Saturday, I was forced to leave the bar with a tension headache after simultaneously watching the Iowa Hawkeyes get kicked in the crotch by Iowa State and the Cardinals get gobbled alive by Alfonso Soriano. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I was out with three Iowa State Cyclone/Chicago Cubs fans. The good news is, I was at a bar that supports the University of Iowa, so I was in sympathetic company. (There were even a few Redbird fans circulating around.) Also, the aforementioned Clone/Scrubs fans are genuinely nice guys. They are also very wise, as they allowed me plenty of postgame time to pout and behave like my father. One was even so kind as to buy me a drink as a peace offering. Unfortunately, none of their kindnesses helped get rid of my throbbing headache and I was home and in bed at 5:30. Sometimes I really, really hate sports. Did this stop me from rising this morning to take in an entire day of NFL goodness? Of course not. Tom Brady isn't going to ogle at himself, people. Plus, seeing as though Rex Grossman is the laughingstock of the Chicago media, SOMEONE needed to cheer the guy along. (For the record, he wasn't TOTALLY awful today.)

Anyway, I digress. The Cardinals lost again today behind another disastrous effort by Mark Mulder, who couldn't even make it out of the third inning. I'm not kidding. Every time I go to the Cardinals web site to check scores or investigate coming match-ups, I have the same reaction. Inevitably, the headline is "_____ is on the mound today to try and break Cardinal's skid." To which I mutter, "Maroth? Are you kidding me? Yeah right." Cue another loss. Next day, "Pineiro?? Okay, sure. In my dreams." Cue another loss. Next day, "Mulder??? Is this a freaking joke? No way!!" Cue another loss. Next day, "Kip Wells????? Just STAB ME IN THE THROAT ALREADY!!!!" Cue, yet another, Cardinal loss. By the time we get back around to Wainwright or Looper I'm so close to hysterics I can't even focus anymore. I'm starting to wonder why I do this to myself on purpose. Mediocrity is depressing.

So, now what? I guess despite the grim prognosis, we as St. Louis baseball fans soldier on. The season isn't over yet, unfortunately. I bet good ol' Kippy Wells has another couple of EXPLOSIVE starts in his immediate future. WEEEEE!!!! Thank GOD football is back. It's a lot more exciting to have multiple reasons for random violent and psychotic outbursts. At the very least it'll make the coroner's job a lot more interesting when they try to figure out exactly WHY I jumped off that really tall building.

Friday, September 14, 2007

We Came, We Laughed, We Cried, We Cried Harder


Well folks, there you have it. I really thought that this current losing skid had to stop at some point and that maybe somewhere along the way I'd have something inspiring to say about keeping our chins up, soldiering on, staying the course and maybe, oh I don't know, not SUCKING anymore. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened yet and I could no longer in good faith continue to ignore the stretch and the glaring possibility that it may not end.

In the wake of the whole Rick Ankiel/HGH scandal, the St. Louis Cardinals have lost seven straight games, while previously unstoppable Ankiel has gone an embarrassingly anemic 1 for 23. The Birds have slumped to five games out of first place. And that dazzling rise above .500? Yeah, much like the season, that's history as well as we've sunken to six games under.

So my question here is, WHAT THE @#$! happened? (Obviously aside from the starting rotation returning to shiteous form. Christ. What's wrong with these guys?) I mean, I'm not a total idiot. I had no grand illusions that we wouldn't eventually face plant and knock ourselves into obscurity. The big race to see who isn't the biggest loser in the NL Central is and has been a joke all along. Had we won that illustrious prize it would have proved nothing except that, hey, even ridiculously crappy teams can go to the playoffs! Even through our hot streak in August it at no point really seemed like we were a well conditioned machine clicking along efficiently at a calm, controlled and steady pace. No, it seemed much more like a drunk guy at a shooting range. The bullets were squeezing out quickly, furiously and erratically, yet inexplicably they were hitting the target more often then not. There was no logic or skill to it. We are not and have not been a good baseball team all season. Still, it's disappointing to go out like this, just as I predicted we would, in the shadow of the Ankiel allegations. It really was the final straw for a beaten and battered Cardinal Nation. Players, management and fans alike pretty well threw up their hands and said, "screw it, this ain't worth it. We suck, man." I'd hoped I was wrong and that the media storm wouldn't get inside Ankiel's fragile psyche. Obviously, one thing he's not developed in his incredible comeback is thick skin. Hell, he's so sensitive to criticism I swear that one "your mama's so fat" joke and this guy'd be curled up in the dugout sucking his thumb. I realize I have a tendency towards the dramatic, but I think that in this case it's warranted. I really don't envision us rebounding from this. In fact, at this point I'm not even sure I want us to. I've had enough heartache this summer (mixed, I suppose, with just enough pleasure to keep me from weeping openly,) that I'm almost happy to pack it in for the year. Who knows, though. Maybe it's all just a giant coincidence. Maybe we're just going through another slump and it has nothing to do with Ankiel. Maybe we've still got a late season spark left in us that'll at the very least allow us to go out on a high note. But somehow I doubt it.

So in that spirit, GO MILWAUKEE!! I mean, someone's got to win this division, right?

Friday, September 7, 2007

Et Tu, Ankiel?


I got up this morning in a pretty damn good mood. Despite some recent setbacks, the Cardinals have still managed to fight and claw their way within one game of the tied-for-first-place Brewers and Cubs. When I went to bed last night, Carlos Zambrano had been exposed as a universal jackoff, Ryan Dempster had blown a crucial save against the Dodgers and Rick Ankiel had smoked two homeruns for 7 RBI's to lead the Cardinals to a 16-4 beatdown of the Pirates. Everything was peaceful and right with the world.

Then I woke up this morning to the New York Daily News article. I am unequivocally and painfully STUNNED. Coming the morning after what was arguably his greatest game to date, it has been revealed that the St. Louis Cardinals' comeback kid has been implicated in the use of performance enhancing drug HGH. Talk about BUZZ KILL. I feel like I just got punched in the stomach. Even without knowing the validity or relevance of the accusations, I can't help but be supremely disappointed. The proverbial bubble has been burst, the illusion of innocence shattered. If the allegations are true, it doesn't matter if he stopped taking the drugs before the 2005 ban went into place. It still changes everything because his unbelievable story is going to be permanently viewed with suspicion anyway. There are a lot of people talking about the development this morning, all of them more articulately then me. See here, here and here.

My personal take? Siiiiigh. I don't know. I'm not sure I'm over the initial shock and horror of it all just yet. In a season plagued by ugliness, from Tony LaRussa's DUI, to Josh Hancock's death, to the serious injuries eliminating Chris Carpenter, Josh Kinney, Preston Wilson and Scott Rolen, to less serious injuries sustained over the course of the year by Yadier Molina, David Eckstein, Jim Edmonds and Mike Maroth, to Scott Spiezio's undisclosed substance abuse problem, to Juan Encarnacion's potential career ending eye injury and then finally to just a general rash of bad pitching, weak hitting and sloppy play, THIS is the real heartbreaker. It is especially and arguably the MOST devastating, because it has been DESPITE these other things that the team has rallied around Ankiel's triumphant return and played well enough and hard enough to muscle themselves back into the pennant race. To find out his astounding return to MLB success was at any point aided by the use of illegal drugs completely takes the magic out of things and makes it seem less like a Disney-ready movie and more like another inevitable fall from grace that is all too common now among professional athletes. Obviously, I'm hoping his use was only temporary and extended only so far as that years worth prescribed to him in 2004. I'm hoping that the feats he's accomplished this year are unblemished by performance enhancers and that his brush with the underbelly of professional sports lasted only so long as his recovery from Tommy John surgery. I'm hoping that once the ban was placed in 2005 that he walked away and has been clean ever since. Yet what if all of that is true? What if he truly hasn't used HGH since then and has achieved his current degree of success due only to hard work and perseverance? Do the allegations then make "The Natural" any less of a phenomenon? In theory, no, of course not. However, in the court of public opinion people are always going to wonder and the more cynical are always going to assume his guilt. Unfortunately, Ankiel has no real way of proving it one way or another and he'll probably always bear the scarlet letter that so many contemporary and historical greats are saddled with. It was the perceived pureness of his improbable and unlikely story that made baseball fans believe that miracles can happen and underdogs can succeed. He was a wholesome reminder that goodness can and does occasionally prevail in major league baseball. I fear that no matter how this all pans out, his accomplishments will forever be linked to this alleged dark spot in his history. That makes me unbearably sad.

It would make me feel a lot better to hear Rick Ankiel himself publicly address and clarify the claims. Cardinal fans, hell baseball fans in general, need to hear what he has to say. After all, Ankiel's story doesn't just pertain to St. Louis fans anymore. We ALL deserve to hear his side of the story and frankly, he deserves to tell it. As we head into a pivotal series against the Diamondbacks and Brandon Webb tonight, the last thing the Cardinals need is another gutwrenching setback to shift the focus. These guys are obviously scrappy, but one has to wonder how much more they can possibly take. Make me a believer again, Rick!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Big Z Is Big Baby


The jokes just write themselves, people. There isn't anything I can say that will do this series of events justice. In summary, Carlos Zambrano signed a $91.5M five-year contract with the Chicago Cubs, stunk up his next five starts, got booed by the fans and then cried about it.
Give me a break, Big Z. These are the most patient, pacified and complacent fans you'll find in all of baseball. Sometimes I don't even think they MIND losing they're so used to it. So COME ON!! Things must be pretty damn bad for them to react with such voracity. Generally, I don't like when fans boo their own players. It makes me uncomfortable and kind of sad. It's counter intuitive to me and I'll never really understand why fans do it or how it makes them feel better about a player or team that's struggling. I just don't see how it helps anything. However, I also think fans have the right to express their frustration and unhappiness over greedy, mouthy, egotistical hotheads that aren't pulling their weight or giving anyone reason to believe they're deserving of the big fat multi-million dollar contract they just landed. The Cubs spent the big bucks on Zambrano because they expected him to be a reliable ace. He's supposed to be the powerhouse pitcher in that rotation and if he wants to be treated that way, he needs to be playing that way. Now, I'm not saying it isn't okay for players to slump or go through some rough patches, but I AM saying it's ridiculous and ill-advised to then take it out on the people who are paying exorbitant tickets prices to sit and watch you do it. Being in the media spotlight, people like Carlos Zambrano can't afford to be quick tempered, rash and childish. You have to play for these fans for the next five years, buddy, and despite your half-assed PR generated apology, I don't think they are going to be so easy to forgive you. This becomes especially true if you can't start pitching like the guy they're paying for. It also doesn't do you any favors to tell a city of people that have been stubbornly loyal to this team for the past 99 years despite it sucking terribly that they are only thinking of themselves. Are you kidding me? Are they really supposed to feel sorry for you? Because I'm highly confident you weren't thinking about THEM when you were sitting down to ink that nearly $100M contract, you big whiner.

Anyhow, at least I'm not the only one in Chicago who hates him anymore. See, Cubs fans! I've been telling you all along, you just can't trust people that refer to themselves in the third person. At least that's what Lindsay Trumbull thinks.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

My Weekend Got Progressively Better Until It Actually Blew My Mind


Good grief, I take a few days off and look what happens! The NL Central is a mess! The Cubs are in first and hanging on to a precarious 1.5 game lead over Milwaukee, the Cardinals have charged within 2 games of the lead and even jumped into second place for a brief minute yesterday, the Astros fired Phil Garner, Roy Oswalt did that thing he does by shutting out the Redbirds in his return on Wednesday, Carlos Zambrano warmed the cockles of my heart by blowing another game, Alfonso Soriano returned quietly to the Cubs lineup on Tuesday, Adam Kennedy had knee surgery, Scott Rolen missed a few games because of that nagging shoulder injury of his and amongst it all, I made my annual pilgrimage to St. Louis for the Braves series and what would turn out to be one of the greatest weekends of my summer.

When I left on Friday the Cards had just taken two of three from the Marlins and were 3 games back in the division. Spirits were high, my gas tank was full, my iPod was charged and I was ready to go! Upon arriving in St. Louis it became clear that Mother Nature wasn't NEARLY as excited about baseball as I was. It rained and rained and poured and stormed for what felt like an eternity before the game actually started. And then it only got worse as the Birds fumbled around committing a handful of errors and failing to generate nearly enough runs to support an average Kip Wells performance. Plus, a big obnoxious Cubs fan was sitting directly in front of me. Seriously. It's like these people follow me around or something. What are the freakin' odds? But anyway, my Dad and I were Crabby McCrankypants when we left Busch Stadium after that hot mess.

Fortunately, things got better on Saturday. The weather cleared up considerably, Joel Pineiro pitched well and we were able to put together a strong inning against Tim Hudson and squeak by with a 5-4 win. Plus, our seats were a little bit better and the game got over with early enough that we could go out partying with Missouri's finest until the wee hours of the morning. We even got our picture taken with Captain Morgan and saw a woman wearing a banana clip. A BANANA CLIP! I don't think I've seen one of those since 1986! Beautiful stuff, I tell ya.

However, it wasn't until Golden Day Sunday that I became positively euphoric. Those Cardinal Club tickets I mentioned a couple weeks ago? Yeah, they were the coolest seats I've ever sat in. It was physically impossible to eat and drink all the free food and beverages that were being offered and we were close enough to the field that my Mom was calling balls and strikes. If I were so compelled, I could have confessed my undying love to Albert Pujols and he would have been able to hear me. The weather was perfect, Adam Wainwright looked awesome, Jason Isringhausen didn't give me a stroke and Juan Encarnacion even hit a homerun. It was quite literally a perfect day and I don't throw that term around loosely! Add that to a couple Cubs losses over the weekend and I actually wanted to cry. If I would have been crushed by a Clydesdale that night, I could have died a happy woman. Plus, we got to pose with Fred Bird! I dare you not to be jealous.

In summary, I'm high on Cardinal fumes right now. Also, I'm kind of thinking that after Sunday, my wedding and the birth of my first born have a lot to live up to. Make of that what you will!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Was It Good For You?


Well, we finally won a game against the Scrubbies yesterday. There were homeruns (Ankiel, Pujols), solid defensive plays (Ankiel, Pujols), some reasonable relief pitching (Franklin, Isringhausen) and a great all around performance by Scottie Rolen (3-4, 3 RBIs), yet somehow it all felt a little bit anti-climatic to me. After the emotional roller coaster I rode off the tracks on Saturday, the Monday afternoon contest left me asking, "uh...is that it?" I think this reaction is a solid testament to how different these things are when you're actually there in person or otherwise 100% engaged in the action. When you are watching each and every pitch and muscle twitch surrounded by others that are just as emotionally invested in the results as you are, it changes things. Suddenly, that particular game becomes infinitely more important. A win provides unparalleled jubilation, while a loss makes it feel like you had your insides removed, rearranged and stuffed in backwards. I think this is why it's been so hard to watch the Cardinals play games at Wrigley Field over the past few years. I've had seats at four of them and watched another handful among the ticketless in Clark Street watering holes. (Which is practically like being at Wrigley Field anyway, except the beer is marginally less expensive.) Of these, I've witnessed just one victory and I'm telling you, I've never wanted to win SO BADLY as I did on those days. (In the regular season, anyway.) It has been utterly GUT WRENCHING to keep getting that same result every time I venture out on the Chicago streets in my Cardinal red. It goes so far as to skew my perception of the team and its abilities when I ONLY get to watch them lose and merely read about the wins on the internet. No matter how talented the sportswriter, there's no way to relay the intensity of any given inning. Baseball is meant to be watched with full and undivided attention because it's just more awe inspring that way. The magic gets lost in translation otherwise.

This extends to games at Busch Stadium, as well. Instead of being something that would be kind of nice, winning games I'm physically there for becomes something I NEED! I'm gearing myself up for this, as I drive down to St. Louis on Friday afternoon for the weekend series against the Braves. Do those particular games, win or lose, become any more relevant to the team then the ones played earlier in the year? No, absolutely not. But dammit, they matter more to me! And I think we all know that's what TRULY matters.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Stop Raining, Dammit!


After Saturday's game was delayed and then interrupted by rain, the skies continued to unleash the fury yesterday causing game three to be postponed before the end of the third inning. This was great news for people that didn't want to have to sit through three hours of watching Carlos Zambrano scratch himself, but not so good for those hoping to see him accidentally drown in a puddle. I, for one, am sort of grateful for the day off, as it's allowed my anxiety levels to return to normal. Being out in Wrigleyville on Saturday in my Cardinals attire probably increased the likelihood of my eventual institutionalization by about 85%. I swear on my life, if one more person told me to "GO HOME, CARDINAL!" I was going to snap and flatten his face with a bar stool. I AM home, you ignorant morons! Last I checked, you didn't have to automatically abandon your intelligence and become a Cubs fan in order to become a Chicago resident. Add that to the game itself, and I was even saltier then normal by the time it was all said and done. (I'm refusing to comment on the details of the actual baseball contest, because I'm not even close to being over the many things that angered me in its duration.)

Anyhow, it's raining again here in Chicago, so expect a soggy ending to today's finale. Nothing lifts the spirits of baseball fans like three consecutive days of rain delays! WEEEEEE!!!!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

F!@#


He was SAFE!!!!

Aside from that, I have nothing to say. Except expletives. Lots and lots of expletives.

DAMMIT!!! Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.

Friday, August 17, 2007

This Is Supposed To Be Fun, Right?


Sweet mother of Jesus, that sucked. I'm not even necessarily upset about the loss, because let's get serious for a second...it's only one game. I just have a tendency to overreact emotionally to these things and I HATE losing the close ones. To be fair, we held our own. It isn't like it was a giant blow out, because Braden Looper threw one hell of a game. Unfortunately, so did Rich Hill. My saving grace is the fact that my boss did not end up giving me the tickets to today's game. My blood pressure would have skyrocketed out of control if I'd had to see that in person. Plus, knowing my luck I would have been seated next to the same people that were at the game yesterday. Twelve year old girls that manipulate the volume of their screaming based upon how "hot" they think the Cubs players are is more annoying then one can even begin to imagine. Is Matt Murton that sexy?? I had no idea.

Anyhow, I'm really not too terribly discouraged. Generally, we don't play well against the Cubs. I have no idea why and it drives me absolutely BONKERS, but we don't. So, even though we gave those bastards a half game and a share of the lead in the division, I'm not totally uncomfortable with it. I don't think I could even find a Cubs fan that wouldn't agree that today, it came down to luck. Stringing together runs is impossible in a true pitchers dual and today was nothing if it wasn't that. Sadly, Albert had no one on base when he hit his monster and Jacque Jones did. Done and done. One pitch cost us the game. So goes it. Tomorrow, Anthony Reyes will try and redeem us. Until then, I'm going to try to RELAX. Because this is actually supposed to be enjoyable, right? I forget that sometimes.

I Might Vomit


Okay, I was not AT ALL prepared for this.

I acknowledged and subsequently succumbed to the Cardinals' mediocrity WEEKS ago, convinced that no further joy could be gleaned from a season thats only consistency has been it's inconsistency. Just when I'd come to terms with the fact that my Redbirds wouldn't live to see .500 this year, they came out of absolute nowhere and RUINED EVERYTHING! As a result of Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina finishing off a sweep of the Brewers, we have now won five games in a row, seven of our last eight, eight of our last ten and six in a row against Milwaukee. (It's obviously unnecessary to point out, but this is the most substantial hot streak we've had all season.) Wainwright was positively TERRIFYING as he cruised through seven scoreless innings and Molina slapped two homeruns to provide the only offense that was necessary. After a five run attack on the Brewer bullpen in the ninth assured Jason Isringhausen another day off, Troy Percivel fanned two straight in the ninth to complete the shut out. Thank heavens for that, too. The good news helped me stomach having to sit through a nauseating beat down of the Reds pitching staff yesterday, as it combined to give up 20 hits and twelve runs, including seven scored in the 7th inning alone. I was encouraged early when Jason Marquis gave up a four run lead in the third, yet sadly it was not meant to be. It just so happened that today, Cincinnati's pitching was worse then Chicago's. Tough break, really.

Anyhow, I think I'm actually going to pass out. I'm reminded once again of how stressful it is to be in contention. Losing is easy, because you sort of become numb to it. Once you know the playoffs are entirely out of your reach, those losses don't hurt so much anymore because they don't really matter anyway. At that point, what does it matter if you end the season five games below .500 or twenty games below .500? No wonder Cubs fans are always so happy to call themselves the "lovable losers". The poor bastards are practically sedated by sucktitude! Everything changes, however, when it becomes clear that just a few more notches in the win column could potentially propel us into the postseason. Going into this four game series against the Cubs this weekend, I'm a total nervous wreck! I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack all morning, because low and behold, this series actually MEANS something! Not even a little part of me was expecting this. Dear god, someone get me a ventilator. And a barf bag. And maybe some muscle relaxers. I don't think I can take it!

Regardless of my unstable physical and mental condition, Braden Looper and Rich Hill are going at it right now in the series opener. I will more then likely be hiding under something heavy for the remainder of the afternoon.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Step #1: Closing The Gap


As the dust has cleared and the Rick Ankiel buzz has started to die down a bit over the past few days, something has become painfully evident. I'm afraid to even say it for fear of jinxing us, but our starting pitching has been...GOOD! Braden Looper, Adam Wainwright, Joel Pineiro, Anthony Reyes and even Kip freakin WELLS have come out of the woodwork over the past week to toss games that make it look like they're all competing for the Cy Young award. I don't know where this has been all season, but I don't even care! Because of this collective effort, the Cardinals appear to be a reasonably functional baseball team and rest only 4.5 games out of first place behind the Brew Crew and the Scrubbies. To be honest, it kind of freaks me out.

Regardless, last night's victory inched us ever closer to the playoffs and represented the fourth straight game the Redbirds have taken from the Brewers. Not only that, it was also the third come from behind victory St. Louis has put together against Milwaukee in their last two consecutive series. After Wells gave up three runs off of two early homers by Prince Fielder and Geoff Jenkins, St. Louis rallied for six runs in the 5th inning and Wells retired twelve straight to yield a final score of 12-4. Jimmy Edmonds was 4 for 6 and Albert Pujols got on base five times via three singles, a walk and getting hit by a pitch. Rick Ankiel was relatively quiet going 1 for 6 with three strikeouts, but it hardly mattered. Hell, Mr. Kip Wells himself went 2 for 3 and drove in two runs! Add to that a valiant loss by Chicago to the Reds and we have ourselves an interesting scenario. With two more games against Milwaukee and then a four game series at Wrigley this weekend, it would be BEAUTIFUL to see the Birds take advantage of the apathy in our division and start elbowing our way into contention. Despite how dire this whole season has been, it's actually a legitimate possibility. Until now, I thought the Cardinals had as much of a chance getting within striking distance of the Brewers as Carlos Zambrano did of successfully completing anger management therapy. Oh, how things change! Joel Pineiro takes the mound again tonight to try and gain some more ground in the NL Central and if he plays like he did against San Diego, it shouldn't be difficult to pull off. (And yes...that sentence felt incredibly weird to write.)

The strangest part of this whole progression of events is that I'm actually enjoying baseball again. I don't think I've had a homicidal/suicidal/infanticidal thought in DAYS! Not that I expect this to continue of course, but I should be able to resist pushing drunk Cubs fans in front of oncoming traffic for at least a couple of days. I am heading to Wrigley tomorrow with my grandparents, however, so these assurances mean absolutely nothing. My emotions are very fickle, you know? For the safety of everyone involved, it would probably just be best if the Cubs lost. Let's not tempt fate, shall we?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

What's This Business?


Don't look now friends, but the Cardinals of St. Louis are a mere 5.5 games out of first place and have somehow found themselves in the middle of a playoff race. WHA???? Yeah, I know. I didn't take it seriously the first time I heard it either, but I'm starting to wonder if MAYBE it could POSSIBLY be true. Rick Ankiel seems to have provided the spark our beleaguered boys needed to realize that, HEY! Winning stuff is FUN! He had two more homeruns on Saturday along with a single and a breathtaking catch out in right center field that once again served to overshadow an impressive starting pitching performance, this time by Braden Looper. I know Juan Encarnacion isn't all that pleased with his reduced playing time, but this is absolutely INSANE! Can one man single handedly turn a team around? I sort of doubt it, but I'm having fun with our new found confidence nonetheless. That spanking the "Memphis Mafia" gave the Dodgers on Sunday was one of the most fun games I've watched all season. Did we actually have anyone from our regular starting line up playing that day? For crying out loud, Ryan Ludwick shelled one into Big Mac Land and three of the guys that started weren't even on the roster at the beginning of the season! All of this has been assisted, of course, by the fact that neither Milwaukee or Chicago seem all that interested in convincingly taking the division. I mean, what is with these guys? Either one could have easily run away with it all weeks ago, but no one seems to be in any particular hurry. I suppose it could all be strategic, but somehow I don't think Lou thinks that way. And by "that way" I mean AT ALL. (Because he's a hot head, you see.)

Anyhow, we start a pretty important series tonight against the Brewers and if anyone's interested in gaining any more ground, I suggest we just keep doing what we've been doing. Kip Wells, that means you buddy!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Welcome Back, Rick!!


Congratulations to Rick Ankiel today after his triumphant return to Major League Baseball last night. In his first start since 2004, Ankiel slapped a three run homerun 384 feet over the right field wall to put the Cards ahead 5-0 and secure the win. Not bad for a (former) pitcher, huh? Disney couldn't write a better feelgood comeback story then this one, although I doubt Joel Pineiro feels quite as thrilled about it. His impressive performance was largely overlooked, despite pitching seven shutout innings, striking out four and not issuing a single walk. Maybe next time, Joel.

In other news, it appears as though Scott Spiezio is being placed on the restricted list as he is treated for an undisclosed substance abuse issue. I wish him the best in his recovery, although I'll honestly be a little disappointed to find out he's addicted to anything other then red hair dye.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

He's Baaaaaaack!!!


I'm going to preface this post by saying that nothing here is going to sound even remotely intelligent. (By which I mean it's worse than normal.) I went to the White Sox game last night for a work related event and might have sampled too many of the suds. The sacrifices I make for my job, right? Siiiiigh.

Anyhow, I do feel it's important to note before I get carried away that Kip Wells pitched last night and didn't suck. In fact, he was pretty damn dynamite! He gave up only 6 hits and 1 run with 4 strikeouts and 0 walks. (Imagine me scratching my chin and screwing up my eyes like I'm thinking real hard.) What to make of this? No freakin idea. The guy's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He defies logic or reasonable thought, which considering my mental state today is probably a good thing. I don't want to have to think too hard or I'll hurt myself.

Speaking of improbabilities, it is with great surprise that I report the return of none other then Rick Ankiel to the Cardinals roster. He's in the starting line up tonight as an outfielder after having his contract purchased from Memphis today. Whoever woulda thunk it? I'm genuinely excited to see how he does and am pulling for him to do some damage. After the roller coaster of a career he's had it would be poetic justice to see him exorcise some past (i.e. 2000 NLDS) demons.

In other news, there's been lots of good stuff going on since my last written assault on your senses. For example, we went on a BLAZING HOT five game losing streak, including a sweep by the Nationals over the weekend. (Thank god I was wandering around Grant Park and completely ignorant.) That's kind of neat, right? Then they put our recently acquired future hall of fame hurler Mike Maroth on the DL with tendinitis in his elbow. Thankfully, our rotation is so deep we don't really need to worry about minor setbacks like this. Whew!! (Please note my sarcasm. I truly believe that at this point we could probably just throw one of the grounds crew guys up there and no one would even be able to tell the difference.)

The coolest thing the Cardinals have done this week, though, is provide with me with one of the most visually stimulating half innings I've ever seen. ESPN was gracious enough to cover our win against the Padres on Monday night so I got to see that 10 hit, 10 run 5th inning with my very own eyes. Good thing, too, as I would never have believed it otherwise. I would have assumed the media was lying to me and that it was just some far reaching conspiracy cooked up by my mom to keep me from hanging myself with a garden hose. (I wouldn't put it past her.)

Even more spectacular for me personally was the little package I got Monday from our company headquarters in Springfield. It held four tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Cardinal games I'm going down to St. Louis for at the end of the month. Why is this so awesome, you ask? Because the Sunday tickets are the Club tickets my company has behind home plate. Basically, this means I'll be chilling with Jimmy Edmond's mom all day in the VIP room eating free hot dogs and guzzling free beer. There's even a buffet before the game starts! Does it get any better then that?? I don't think so, my friend. And if you do, you are definitely wrong and probably also retarded.

Lets see...what could I possibly be forgetting? Oh yes, of course! The Cubs have lost four in a row and six of their last seven. It's a team of destiny, I tell ya! I've been saying it all along!! THE CUBS ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!! (I'm evil, I realize this.) It does seriously blow for them that Soriano's got a flat tire and Ramirez might be out for a few days with a bum wrist. It's tough to win games when your entire team is on the DL, just ask Walt Jockety. But Kerry Wood's back and throwing a few pitches, so I'm sure that pretty well cancels out all that bad stuff.

Editors Note: This has just been the strongest attempt at empathy I've made towards Cubs fans all season and quite possibly, well...ever. Turns out I'm not great at it. Directing sarcasm and bitter vitriol towards them, however? I'm like Carlos Zambrano at a baby eating competition. By the way, it really wouldn't be right if I didn't point out that he lost yesterday. I'd be pretty pleased with myself if it weren't for this stupid hang over. Damn miller light drafts will get you every time, especially when you chase em with vodka. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

The Week That Was...


Before I get carried away with my long weekend at Lollapalooza, I just want to make some comments on the major plot points from the past week.

1. When it was all said and done, our dynamite winning streak coming out of the Brewers series ended at four games. While not impressive to most baseball fans, I believe this is the longest winning streak we've had all season. So...there's that. WEEEEEE!!!!! Of course, we followed that up with a blowout 15-1 loss to the freakin Pirates last night thanks to Braden Looper looking the exact opposite of awesome. In how many games have we given up 10+ runs this year? Whatever the number, I'm sure it's positively disgusting and I'm better off not knowing. (SIDE NOTE: Speaking of the Pirates, what is up with making our old pal Matt Morris the highest paid pitcher in their starting rotation? Matt Morris? REALLY???? Isn't he in a nursing home by now?)

2. I was in an AWESOME mood on Monday night. The Cards had the night off, so our beautiful three game winning streak was intact and I had happy visions of a playoff run in my head. I also got invited to accompany a friend to the Cubs game that evening and had the fine pleasure of watching them lose pretty convincingly to the Phillies. The best part was doing so surrounded by drunk Philadelphians in the bleachers. I really have to hand it to east coast sports fans. They are totally batshit CRAZY. It made for an entertaining evening to say the least.

3. I could not sleep early Tuesday morning. I woke up at 5 AM for some ungodly reason and couldn't fall back asleep because I was feverishly strategizing the Redbirds' late season comeback. I think that suggests I might have a legitimate problem/obsession. However, Tony and Walt should really give me a call, as I think I pretty much got everything figured out. Early bird gets the worm, you know?

4. The Cubs are tied for first place, BLAH, BLAH BLAH. Tell someone who gives a damn. And for the love of everything holy, stop whining about it. If I hear one more person say to me, "We've been bad for so long, just let us have it!" I'm going to stuff their teeth down their esophagus. Did I say anything? I don't think so. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've avoided discussing the Cubs lately because they put me in BAD MOOD. I can't argue with statistics, folks. The Cubs have won more games then we have this year. What do you want from me, a goddamn cookie? My humble opinion is that everyone should save all their blowharding until the team actually does something significant like, oh, I don't know...make the playoffs.

5. This weekend is going to be awesome. I'm going to give my baseball passion a couple days off in order to focus on another. (And no, I don't mean drinking, although I'm sure there will be plenty of that!) Lots of good shows to be seen and if I'm lucky, the Cards will start another four game winning streak tonight while the Cubs fall victim to a Mets sweep and Tom Glavine's 300th win while I'm on hiatus. I guess I'll find out when I sober up on Monday. Cheers!

Monday, July 30, 2007

If AWESOME Were A Color It Would Be RED


Now that I've had a day to reflect on the weekend without the influence of Sauvignon Blanc and Captain Morgan, I can safely say without any reservation that IT TOTALLY KICKED ASS. No, I wasn't just tipsy and delirious, we really DID win three in a row against the division leading Milwaukee Brewers. Two of these were even taken in dramatic late inning comebacks that would have certainly inspired me to make out with strangers if I'd witnessed them in person. I don't even know what to say. You know the feeling when out of no where someone surprises you with an extremely thoughtful and unexpected gift? That's how awesome it is in my head space right now. I'm all aflutter with affection, adoration and utter disbelief that I can possibly be so fortunate. I'm so numb with joy I don't even care that Carlos "Big Z" Zambrano won his major league leading 14th game yesterday. And THAT'S saying something considering I usually can't even think his name without wanting to slam my hand in a door.

The euphoria that comes with realizing we aren't completely hopeless is as welcome as it is unanticipated. Directly responsible for this glorious resurgence are the guys in our bullpen. Randy Flores, Ryan Franklin, Russ Springer and Jason Isringhausen combined for 13 shutout innings and gave up only 4 hits in those three games. With our starting rotation being questionable at best, it's comforting to know that our relief corp can come in and be untouchable in the late innings. I mean, we're still giving up 5, 6, 7 runs a game, but at least the hemorrhaging stops when Wells, Maroth and Company get yanked. That's gotta count for something, right? Especially when the eight inning turns Scott Rolen into a clutch RBI addict and makes Albert Pujols a bullpen devouring monster. I don't even know why we bother playing the first six frames anymore.

So now that we've effectively eliminated Milwaukee's lead over the Cubs in the NL Central, (double edged sword if I ever saw one,) I'm going to Wrigley tonight to cheer on the Phillies and encourage the late season collapse I know the Cubs to be capable of. If ever there were a more perfect time to hope for a rabid squirrel attack at the Friendly Confines, I've never heard it. Would Alfonso Soriano cry like a sissy and run screaming into the clubhouse? Frankly, I think believing anything else is unpatriotic.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Break Out The Champagne!!!


Holy hell, we just won two games in one day. TWO GAMES. Math is hard, but I'm pretty sure we just beat the Brewers twice. Someone needs to break out a calculator or something. It blows my mind to even begin to think about it. We are AWESOME at baseball. Just incredible. If we can just keep doing this, we'll win the World Series again for sure. I can feel it.

Dammit, I love the Cardinals.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Who Hired This Guy??


Seriously. We played the Tigers last year in the World Series. I don't remember this guy. FOR A REASON. Verlander? Rogers? Bonderman? Nope. We get Mike Maroth. I'm sure he's a great person. Just a SWELL individual. But he has SUCKED as a Cardinal pitcher. If I wanted to have a stress induced asthma attack I would watch Jason Isringhausen close games. Unfortunately, he hasn't had the opportunity to do that lately.

I'm going to bed. This is absolutely depressing.

WE DID IT!!!!


I don't know who's responsible for what happened last night, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I needed that win DESPERATELY. This enables me to preserve the tiny ounce of dignity I have left after the preceding days. I know it is nothing more then a blip on the radar, but it felt sensational to clobber Jason Marquis and win JUST ONE against the Scrubbies. The relief I'm experiencing is unbelievable. We are still atrocious at the game of baseball, but the tension in my stomach has magically (although I'm sure only temporarily) evaporated. It's like we just took the division, which is pathetic in its own right. Generally, it's not a great sign when you become delirious over avoiding a sweep. We're languishing deep in third place and I'm behaving like we just simultaneously cured cancer and saved Darfur. Heaven help me, but I think I've lost my damn mind!

No matter. Last night was a fun distraction from the realities of the season and the impending series against Milwaukee. I only saw the highlights since during my pity party on Wednesday night I decided to avoid it entirely, but after prompting from my father I finally turned it on late in the game to see for myself that we had a convincing lead. After watching SportsCenter on loop a few times, I'd satisfactorily seen Chris Duncan's grand slam approximately thirteen times and let me tell you, it got no less thrilling in each subsequent viewing. It was also nice to see Pujols and Rolen get in on the action, as it's been disappointing to watch them struggle the past two days. Until now, I kind of thought they both needed a big hug and a swift kick in the rear. At this point, I'd offer them my first born.

Plus, how about that Braden Looper? I had serious misgivings about putting him in the rotation earlier this year, but as much as it pains me to say it, he's our freakin' ace! I have absolutely no issue with eating my words as long as he keeps tossing games like that. In fact, do you think it'd be appropriate to send him flowers?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I'm Going To Need To Invent Some New Swear Words


Dammit, dammit, dammit. They just aren't giving me ANYTHING to run with here. I'm not asking for much, but the ability to watch a game without being heavily sedated would be nice. I'm dying out here! I just want to win ONE BLOODY GAME!!!!! Would it be too much of an inconvenience for my guys to let me save a little face? I thought Cubs fans were obnoxious when they were losing, but you should hear them now that they're winning. I think I'd rather be deaf.

Furthermore, after watching two games in a row I really cannot take much more of Cubs "on-air personalities" Len and Bob. These guys spent about ten minutes last night discussing how one of them got locked in his hotel room. FOR THE SECOND TIME! (Note: Yes, he said IN not OUT OF.) Later in the broadcast they were reflecting on the tragic death of Tulsa Drillers first base coach Mike Coolbaugh and one of them helpfully pointed out that what killed him was a burst artery in his head that was CLOSE TO HIS BRAIN. Really? As opposed to what, his gallbladder? He got hit IN THE HEAD!!! Thanks for the anatomy lesson, jackass. Somehow that whole hotel room issue started making a hell of a lot more sense. I can just see him sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the door completely baffled. "There's a big wooden SLAB obstructing my exit! However will I escape!"

Anyhow, I can't even think about the actual game last night without wanting to punch a kitten in the face. Although Adam Wainwright was lights out until the fourth inning striking out six of the the first ten batters he faced, we couldn't generate any run support whatsoever. We hit into four double plays and ended up losing by more then five runs for the 25th time this season. Pujols is 0-9 on the series and it looked like Juan Encarnacion (4-4, 1 RBI) was the only guy who thought it was a terrific idea to put runs on the board. I, for one, feel his genius is under appreciated.

So anyway, I think I'm going to abstain from watching the action tonight. I've spent six hours over the past two days wanting desperately to shove my arm in a paper shredder. I'm also running dangerously low on vodka and think my roommate is ready to have me fitted for a straight jacket. These things combined seem to suggest that my mental health is in danger and a nice evening among baseball-neutral friends might be in order. It's either that or move somewhere outside of WGN's reach like the Czech Republic. I haven't really decided yet.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Suicide Watch Starts...Now!!



It isn't over yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't already had thirteen anxiety attacks, a couple of martinis and one legitimate stroke. I'm slowly becoming aware of how fortunate I am not be able to watch this on a regular basis. Until now, I haven't sat down for an hour and a half. Instead, I've been pacing across my living room and wondering how I haven't been diagnosed with Tourettes. Dammit, I HATE Carlos Zambrano. I don't know if I've made that clear, but he absolutely disgusts me. If I could pick any one person to throw into a metal crate and launch into space it would be him. ...

Anyway, I suppose even thus far it's been a moral victory for us Cardinals fans. Kip Wells didn't eat his glove or otherwise embarrass us and it appears that a few of our injured compadres are interested in winning this damn thing. For example, how about Yadier Molina catching Theriot stealing second? Ballsy move, Ryan. Foolish, but ballsy. Molina is equipped with a government certified rocket. Everyone knows that. ...

Also, Skip Schumaker is my new dreamboat. That is all.

Friday, July 20, 2007

RIP 2007. It's Like I Hardly Knew Ya.

After a double dose of disheartening news this morning, it appears that the wheels are not only falling off in St. Louis, but careening wildly into the crowd and disfiguring small children in their paths. I haven't been this depressed since they shot Bambi's mom. Holy hell, it sucks to be a Cardinals fan right now.

First and most horrifying is the news regarding Chris Carpenter's status. Despite reports that he was making strides in his recovery and would be returning to the rotation over the next couple of weeks, it's been announced that stiffness and soreness has returned in his elbow. He is now scheduled to undergo Tommy John surgery, which effectively ends his very short season (his only start was the season opener we lost against the Mets) and creates a big question mark as to when he'll be able to return next season. Honestly, I feel gutted. I'd painted this majestic picture in my head of how he'd come back and the team would rally around his inspiring return. We'd take over the division, the league and finally THE WORLD by winning the rest of our regular season games, somehow un-losing a few of those really embarrassing early season debacles and automatically earning two wins for every time we were forced to show up at the same ballpark as the Cubs. It was even in watercolor. Siiiiiiigh.

Next, we got our hides handed to us last night by the Braves. And by "we", I mean starting pitcher Mike Maroth, who gave up 10 runs over five innings, 5 of those coming in the fourth inning alone. Wow! This has turned out to be an exceptionally effective trade for us. Really, he's just what the doctor ordered as this is damn near the scariest starting rotation I've ever seen. I haven't encountered such an intimidating arsenal since Mr. Rogers, the Easter Bunny and a couple Teletubbies played together back in 1997. These guys are positively FEROCIOUS!!

Unless I win the lottery or Carlos Zambrano gets eaten by a tiger, my day is officially ruined. Bring on the martini sandwiches!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Wait...What Just Happened?


Okay, someone help me out here. Who was our starting pitcher last night? Because I'm PRETTY SURE it wasn't Kip Wells. No, the REAL Kip Wells would not have held an opponent to just two runs in eight innings. (In fact, I'm pretty sure he has no idea what pitching into the eighth inning feels like.) Is this a joke? Did we acquire an alien byproduct of some genetic engineering experiment that just LOOKS like him? Is this still July of 2007? So many questions, so few reasonable answers. All I know is that Kip Wells (!!!) led the Cardinals to a 6-0 shutout of the Marlins last night with his most brilliant start, well, probably EVER. (Seriously. He has not won a game since May 23rd.) I'm not quite sure what to make of this development, but I can't help but think it's only temporary. He's been the stuff of nightmares all summer, so unless he's had some miraculous physical transformation, I'm not convinced I should be too terribly excited about it. Nonetheless, it made my morning to hear he didn't fall off the mound or accidentally chuck a curveball into the dugout. I do usually have to brace myself for the worst.

Someone I actually am kind of excited about is this Brendan Ryan kid. Filling in for an injured Scott Rolen, he had five assists last night and appeared to be completely comfortable at third base. With Rolen back in St. Louis investigating discomfort in his left shoulder and his usual backup Scott Spiezio out with a finger infection (what??), it's nice to know we don't have to resort to starting one of the ball boys. As my Dad pointed out this morning, if we somehow come back and take the division, we might be the first minor league team to ever make the playoffs. Of course the likelihood of that happening is about the same as me piloting a space shuttle to Mars, but it's fascinating to think about nonetheless.

On another note, does anyone else find it suspicious that Scott Rolen and Scott Spiezio keep coming down with injuries and diseases at the same time? I mean, first it was simultaneous food poisoning and now this whole "infected finger" and shoulder injury thing. Suuuuuuuurre. My bet is that they're actually back in St. Louis playing video games, eating Taco Bell and giving each other wedgies. That or they're moonlighting as mysterious super heroes out saving the world from evil forces. Both of these explanations somehow seem wildly more realistic then an infected finger. What does that even mean? I'm no doctor, but I'm highly confident that's not a legitimate injury. Does it need amputated or require extensive physical therapy? No? Then get your glove and get back on the field, you big pansy.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

ROAD TRIP!!!


As the Cardinals continue their ten game road trip, only one thing comes to mind. Are we going to win any more of these damn things? I mean, it would appear we've reached our monthly quota after handily dismissing the Phillies on Sunday and beating the Marlins last night. That's two whole games in a row, people! What an unprecedented explosion of greatness! I've actually calculated the odds of us losing all six remaining games of the trip and although it's weighted by Albert Pujols being positively destructive lately and the fact that Adam Kennedy has finally figured out what he's supposed to do with that big wooden stick he carries to the plate, we do still have Kip Wells in the starting rotation. Therefore, the conservative estimate is 2:1. This should be fun, don't you think?

On another note, I've been asked by a lot of people over the last week what my thoughts are on Tony LaRussa not pinch hitting Pujols in the ninth inning of the All-Star game. (Most of these queries have come from Cubs fans, go figure.) I think I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about the All-Star game, but to reiterate, I could not possibly care less. It makes absolutely no difference to me whatsoever. The amount of attention given to this alleged "spat" between Tony and Al has been absurd. Is this at all relevant to the dismal regular season we're wallowing through right now? Is it providing any insight on how we are going to dig ourselves out of this mid-season hole and progress more ably towards the playoffs? Did it in any way resolve our nagging issues with starting pitching in the first inning or come up with creative ways to compensate for a line-up plagued by injury? No???? Well, then go pound sand, you incompetent waste of toilet water. The end result is that this matters to absolutely no one, ESPECIALLY anyone in the NL Central. (This means you, Cubs fans!) In all likelihood, no one in this division will live to see October and thereby have to suffer the indignity of NOT having home field advantage. (Oh, the TRAGEDY!!) Therefore, your commentary on this issue is serving no other purpose then to annoy the ever loving crap out of me and make me question why I don't own a handgun. Seriously. Why DON'T I own a handgun?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I'd Rather Go To Ikea On A Saturday Then Watch This Stupid Game


So, here we are on the eve of the All-Star game aka "the most pointless waste of a perfectly good night of baseball" and the weary Redbirds don't have a single soul in the starting line-up. This is absolutely shocking. With the EXPLOSIVE way we have been playing this season it's just an abomination. A real head scratcher if I ever saw one.

Anyhow, I really don't get the point of this whole affair. There are a thousand things I'd rather be doing. Scrubbing a toilet at Wrigley Field and shaving my legs with a rusty spoon sound a hundred times more fun then watching a bunch of seemingly random players fumble around and pretend they give a crap about a game that none of them really want to play in the first place. As we so valiantly showed last fall, home field advantage in the World Series don't mean diddly. Take that, All-Stars. Besides, is there really a convincing argument for the NL this year? Seriously??

On another note, I have been absent of late due to a three week tour of the Greater Midwest. First, I visited my very special hometown of Muscatine, Iowa for some family bonding, mullet watching and of course a couple of extra special losses to the Phillies. Then, I took a trip up to Saginaw, Michigan to see some friends, gaze at more mullets and watch the highlights of the Cardinals taking two of three from CINCINNATI!! WOOOOHOOO!!! It was practically like the World Series if the World Series were played between two high school girls softball teams. Lastly, I drove an abysmal 8 hours (with an hour detour courtesy of my directions-challenged roommate) to the Lake of the Ozarks for a mid-summer vacation/Fourth of July Spectacular that included boating for three days, working on my sunburn, drinking my weight in assorted domestic beers and watching St. Louis snag a couple from the Diamondbacks while in a waterlogged, sunburned and drunken stupor. See, Cardinal baseball CAN be fun!!! Basically, my point is this: I have been drunk for three weeks straight and have therefore digressed into a sort of mid season coma. Did I mention the mullets?

On another front, I'm not even going to discuss the Cubs slow creep above 500. I cannot stand those Northside goat molesters and will NOT waste my extensive vocabulary discussing the many, many issues I have with this. I am, however, taking my folks to Chicago's Biggest Beer Garden this Sunday to watch them take on the Astros and am sincerely looking forward to seeing a bunch of drunk chicks in mini-skirts and high heels trying to care about baseball. My Mom comes for the warm $60 beers, my Dad comes in hopes that in between hot dogs he can see Alfonso Soriano choke on his socks and I come hoping against all hope that Lance Berkman will beat Lou Pineilla over the head with his bat. See? We all win!!

Mom, if you're reading this, I have a special account set up to bail Dad and me out of jail afterwards. Ask me for the password BEFORE we start drinking.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Another Reason Why I Hate The Cubs


My existence here in Chicago is really quite ironic. I mean, for as much as I detest the Chicago Cubs, they sure do seem to be involved in an awful lot of my day-to-day activities. More and more often, I find them obnoxiously pervading the many facets of my life. For example, I live about a mile northeast and work about a 1/2 mile southwest of Wrigley Field. This means that every time the Cubs play a night game, I'm driving directly through all the disillusioned fans that are making their way to the park. Aside from the fact that apparently none of them grasp the idea of crosswalks or traffic signals, this doesn't usually present a problem. However, the plucky little entrepreneurs hawking parking spots all over the neighborhood are starting to slowly drive me insane. These people stand in the middle of the road with their signs and flags advertising $25 parking and I seriously wonder how they make it through rush hour without being hospitalized. The next time I have a bad day at the office these idiots will inevitably be out on the street and I will have no choice but to select one and park my car on his face. And you better believe I'm not paying him $25 for the pleasure.

Introducing...Baby Eckstein!!!


Monday was just NOT a good day. The Cards were back in New York, which meant I was receiving text message taunts from my Mets friend in Queens and the Cubs were home again after sweeping the White Sox, which meant my neighborhood was even more obnoxious then usual. After dropping two of three to the Phillies over the weekend, the Birds seemed poised to lose another after newly acquired starting pitcher Mike Maroth gave up a third inning home run to Carlos Gomez. Naturally, we didn't disappoint as Russ Springer gave up a walk off home run to Shawn Green in the 11th causing the Mets to perform one of the most bizarre victory routines I've ever seen. Simultaneously, I'm sitting outside Wrigley Field in a beer garden listening to the roar of the crowd as the Cubs pound on the Rockies and achieve an 8-3 lead. This being the Cubs, the bullpen coughed up six runs in the eighth inning, yet uncharacteristically managed to come back and win it via Soriano's walk off single in the ninth. Fortunately, their fans stayed classy as ever and provided a brief respite from the agony when one took offense to Bob Howry's performance and drunkenly charged the mound. It was really the only thing that kept me from deliberately running in front of a cab. After another win last night, the Cubs have won five straight and are officially ruining my life.

Fortunately, the Cards were able to achieve some forward momentum last night in the form of a spry little rookie named Brendan Ryan. (Who I'm pretty sure is David Eckstein's 13 year-old brother.) He capped off a solid all around performance with his first big league home run in the 11th inning to win it 5-3. This is excellent news for me, as I don't think I could have stomached another "GO METS!!!" message from Shea last night. On a smaller scale, it was probably pretty cool for him, too. So, you know...good for him.

Anyhow, Anthony Reyes is looking to improve his sparkling 0-9 record tonight against Mr. Tom Glavine and I for one am thoroughly confident we have what it takes to completely blow it. If not, you know we'll at least give it our best shot. Here in Chicago, Big Z takes the mound for the finale against the Rockies and I sincerely hope he chokes on some pine tar or gets struck by lightening.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

It's Bedlam!!!


Okay, so much good stuff right now. First of all, Derrek Lee went all Carlos Zambrano today and attempted to beat the crap out of Padres pitcher Chris Young. This resulted in a bench clearing brawl that the real Carlos Zambrano CLEARLY could not resist. It is seriously something I usually only imagine in my head, except it really happened. So freaking funny.


Secondly, the Cardinals decided to have an offensive orgasm and scored ten runs in the fifth inning today. This almost makes me forget that they gave up 14 last night. Almost, but not quite. As thrilled as I am, how is it that a team gives up 17 runs one game and 14 the next??? Sweet mother of Jesus.


Anyhow, I do not want that to take away from the fact that tonight was AWESOME. I would probably make out with Chris Duncan right now if the opportunity presented itself. I also saw a Cubs fan get hit by a car on my way home this afternoon. I was far more sympathetic then I ever thought I would be. This was strange, considering I really always wanted one for a hood ornament. I don't know what this means, but I imagine I'll spend the rest of the evening drinking rum and cokes and listening to Van Halen. It seems like the only appropriate response to a day of such magnitude. You might as well JUMP!!!

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Royals Are Dizzy


Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but I am rendered speechless after last night's rubber match against the Kansas City Royals. The Cards lost 17-8. 17-8!!!!!!!! I didn't realize scores like that were even possible in baseball. I mean, the games are only nine innings long. You'd have to give up ridiculous 8 and 6 run innings to manage something like that. Oh wait...

After 44 pitches, six runs and 1 1/3 innings, the Cardinals mercifully yanked starting pitcher Kip Wells from the mound. His early foibles resulted in his 11th loss (leading the majors) and an ERA that has now ballooned to a dismal 6.93. This forced the bullpen to chew through 7 2/3 innings, which yielded 11 additional runs for KC. Eight of these came in the second with another six coming in the fourth.

Conor Nicholl at MLB.com doesn't mince words, saying:

Kip Wells can't worry about his spot in the rotation or his future as a Cardinals pitcher. After his shortest performance of the season on Thursday night, Wells is only trying to be content with himself as a person.
Yikes. Perhaps instead of starting him we should just try using a tee? I don't know. I don't have the answers. However, I do know that we are running the risk of giving our opponents vertigo if we keep making them run in circles like that for three straight hours. I would imagine that Mark Teahen, Tony Pena and Emil Brown are awfully nauseous this morning. So am I, come to think of it.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?


In my excitement over the Cubs misfortune this past weekend, I failed to comment on the sudden resurgence of the St. Louis Cardinals. By golly, these scrappy little fellas have won 6 of their last 7! We're only four games under .500 and five games out of first place! Most remarkable is that all of this has been accomplished despite the fact that people are getting beaned in the head, breaking their wrists and having knee surgery. Pujols has smacked a few more home runs bringing his total to 12 and it even looks like Chris Carpenter is taking the first steps to recovery from his elbow surgery by playing some catch. Well, well, well!! These Redbirds are making fatigue, famine and all other assorted handicaps and injuries look good!


The most disturbing of these is the blow Gary Bennett took to the head during an at bat against the Reds' Aaron Harang on Wednesday. (Gary Bennett, of course, is the backup catcher who is taking Yadier Molina's place while he sits on the DL with a broken wrist. Jesus. At this rate, I'm not going to recognize anyone on this team by July. Bring on the backups of the backups!) How he walked away from that with all motor and verbal skills in tact, I'll never know. Anyhow, Tony LaRussa is NOT happy about it and wants Harang to be suspended.



"He didn't mean to hit him, but he meant to throw up and in. It's a very
dangerous thing. If you're a big league pitcher, you should be able to get the
ball below the shoulder. If you don't, you should have big consequences, because
that's a dangerous thing."


Now, I agree that getting a 90 mph fastball to the skull is probably no picnic. However, I don't think it's necessary to punish a guy for a pitch that CLEARLY got away from him. Can you imagine how awful it would feel to be directly responsible for giving someone potential brain damage? Anyone who intentionally does that is a depraved miscreant lacking any semblance of a moral compass anyway. Unfortunately, an automatic suspension isn't going to change that.

Further aiding our quest to become the gimpiest team in major league baseball is Preston Wilson's recent announcement that he will undergo knee surgery. He's suffered from cartilage damage and fluid build up in his right knee since spring training and is consulting with doctors to ascertain whether he will simply undergo a clean-up procedure or a more serious microfracture surgery that would keep him out for the remainder of the season. I think his backup is actually my sister, so we'll see how this goes.

Anyway, since this whole injury thing seems to be working for us, I recommend that all remaining players on the roster either go play patty cake with a grizzly bear or juggle a chain saw this weekend. The more maimed the better! Heck, as a sign of solidarity I've even given myself a paper cut. I mean, it didn't bleed or anything but it still hurt like hell. Take that, Gary Bennett!

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Tee Hee Hee...


My, oh my, oh my! As the Cubs continue their traditional mid-season implosion, it appears that my good friend Carlos Zambrano just can't contain his emotion anymore. Just when I start to worry that he's bottling all that tension up inside, he goes nuts and starts punching Michael Barrett in the dugout. This is obviously a dramatic departure from his usual well adjusted, controlled and classy demeanor. I almost don't know how to contain my surprise! It's like I don't even know him anymore. Next thing you know, he's going to pick up an annoying habit like constantly scratching his balls every twelve seconds. But seriously...you know your season has really hit the skids when teammates start cracking each other's faces open. It's really not a good sign.

Anyway, it really can't shock anyone that this made my weekend. Well, that on top of the Cubs losing six straight and Lou Piniella FINALLY doing what we all knew was inevitable. Absolutely going bonkers and landing himself an ejection and indefinite suspension. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Lou. One has to wonder if he would have done it had he not been provoked by a reporter on Friday at the post game press conference. (I believe he was commenting on the Zambrano/Barrett debacle and was asked about his astonishing lack of on-field meltdowns this season.) I tend to think he would have at some point, (considering he is certifiably insane,) but it makes it a lot funnier to think it was premeditated. Purposely arguing an arbitrary call with the intention of getting tossed JUST to give a big "FU" to the Chicago media? Now THAT is behaving like a true pillar of good sportsmanship! My personal opinion is that he was jealous of Zambrano becoming the clubhouse "Crazed Lunatic" and felt he needed to do something dramatic to earn back the title. Well played, Lou. Well played.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Concussions, Bursitis, Crappy Hitting...OH MY!!!


Isn't it so ironic? Just when I get the slightest taste of optimism in my mouth, I have to wash it out with the strongest martini I can find. I know I promised not to be such a pessimist, but I don't really know what else to be. I mean, just over the last couple of days both Scott Rolen and Chris Duncan were sidelined with various injuries and maladies. Excuse me for being insensitive, but WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE??? AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING??? Our starting rotation is a mess, we can't score runs when it matters and half the team is ill/injured/completely indifferent. My spirits are so low, I even turned down an opportunity to see the Cubs lose tonight. With my luck lately, they would somehow earn an automatic World Series title. Yeah, I know that doesn't make any sense, but neither does Albert Pujols only having eight...yes, EIGHT!!! home runs this year. MY FIVE YEAR OLD NEPHEW HAS EIGHT HOME RUNS THIS YEAR!!!!!!


AHEM. Okay, so my new "great attitude" resolution isn't going so well. Turns out I am unable to turn off the paranoid schizophrenic living inside of me. I said I would try, okay? I'm not perfect. Close, but not quite. Sue me.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

PSA: I Apologize For Being Totally Bonkers


This post is an effort to apologize for being a suicidal lunatic. I'm a terrible loser and have been fortunate to have experienced back-to-back seasons of wild Redbird success. Clearly, I'm misguided and totally delusional. That aside, I would like to say that there is something to be said for my team not being so fantastic. It's called PERSPECTIVE. I'm not completely deranged. I know that we can't have 100 plus wins each and every year. I'm spoiled rotten. (True story. Ask my parents.) It's humbling, in an "I wanna run people over with my car" kind of way. So....sorry to be a wet blanket. I can't help it. I'm hardwired to complain about things that do not agree with me. (True story. Ask my boss.) However, I am making a resolution to be more positive. As well as my self imposed Cardinals blackout has worked, I really can't live like this. I have a trip to St. Louis to brace myself for, after all. And you can't hide behind a computer when you're sitting there watching a game live. I mean, you can try to hide behind a beer guy, but usually you just end up looking like a big creep. Trust me. It doesn't go very well. So, I'm shaking it off by thinking of my most favorite live game experience EVER.


I'm in St. Louis with my Dad and one of his old buddies from work. It's Friday night and absolutely UNBEARABLY hot. I mean, sweating your guts out HOT. Add to that the fact that I had driven four plus hours to St. Louis that afternoon and had been desperately trying to keep up with the beers that kept being put into my sweaty hands and I was one big hot mess. The Cards were losing 0-4 going into the ninth. Somehow, (and the details are fuzzy due to the aforementioned beers,) Yadier Molina ended up capping off an unreal comeback in the bottom of the ninth to win the game 5-4. I have never in my life been such a drunken, delirious, sweaty mess of a human. There was lots of jumping around, high fiving and slurring. Meanwhile, my Dad's friend was snoozing peacefully in his seat. (WHA???? Yeah, it didn't make sense to us either.) I ended up back at our hotel calling everyone I knew to tell them about a game that no one knew or cared about. Meanwhile, it's a memory I will never forget. That's why I love the game. It truly isn't over until it's over. So, while I get frustrated, angry, upset and a few other words that aren't really appropriate, I can handle the losses believing that at some point, even if it is just for one night, I'll get to see something like that again.

Don't Look Now...


Unless I've completely lost my mind and started hallucinating, I think the Cardinals just finished a three game sweep of the Pirates. Is this right? Is this possible? Have we actually won THREE consecutive games in a ROW??? I don't believe it!! It seems as though my little "vacation" from Cardinals baseball has finally performed it's karmic duty. You can all thank me later. I mean, we have people hitting home runs now!! Jimmy Edmonds even crushed a 425 footer to right field on Wednesday!! This is fantastic!!

Okay, so I realize I may be totally blowing this out of proportion, but even if this series was only a temporary flash of competency, it was absolutely necessary for my health and sanity. This ought to keep me from strangling myself with my Albert Pujols T-shirt until AT LEAST July. I've been walking around with the thing tied around my neck looking for a strong tree branch since we left Detroit. Can you blame me? Prior to Tuesday's game, the Redbirds were in the middle of a five game losing streak and had lost seven of their last nine. We'd sunk 10 games out and back into last place. Now, we're only one game back from the Astros and Cubs and a much more respectable 7.5 out of first. (Keep in mind, the benchmark for adequacy is still well below sea level at this point.) Dare I say, this season may have hope for us after all!! Assuming we don't crap the bed against the Nationals this weekend, I may be able to return from my self imposed hiatus and start listening to live games again. Of course, I would do this in a padded room under heavy sedation, but that's really only for the safety of the children. Turns out the young folk get really upset when you kick the dog and yell the F word repeatedly. Who knew?