Is This Mic On?

Oh, why, hello there! Long time, no blog. Considering we're just a short 17 days away from Opening Day, I figured it might be a good idea to dust off the ol' keyboard, do some mild finger stretching exercises and figure out what the hell is going on in St. Louis. After all, if I'm going to talk about the Cardinals for the next few months, it would probably help if I got caught up on all the off season exploits I've ignored all winter long. It's relatively safe to say that my tape dispenser knows more about this team than I do right now.

To that end, I should also point out that I haven't paid much attention to any of the exhilarating spring training action either, with the exception of catching a Sunday afternoon game against the Phillies last weekend. It just so happens my Dad was at that contest in Clearwater, FL with a few fellow Cardinal fans. He called the next day specifically to tell me that he'd seen some dipshit wandering around with a Cubs hat on. And so begins another season of being tortured by the rapidly multiplying and increasingly irksome Scrubbie fan base!

Anyway, I literally have no clue who we've got in the starting lineup this year, with the exception of the obvious. Tyler Greene? Never heard of him in my life, and that's just the infield. I think I recognize about half of the names on the pitching staff. Is that good? I have no clue. The only thing I DO know is that there is one glaring omission from the bullpen that will likely spare me from suffering 30-40 epileptic seizures over the course of the year. That name? Mr. Jason Isringhausen, who has migrated to Tampa where he will presumably finish out his career and kill off half of their elderly fans in the process. WHEW!!!

So, as I've made abundantly clear, I need to do a little bit of research before the season officially starts. However, it is with a warm hello, a cynically optimistic attitude (yes, I realize that's an oxymoron) and a healthy hatred for the Cubs that I enter this fresh new season. I've got the liquor cabinet stocked and the sarcasm cannon locked and loaded. Join me, won't you? This is going to be fun.

Albert Pujols Makes Me Want To Take A Nap

Albert Pujols officially became a US citizen today. Evidently fearing that becoming an American would automatically turn him into a giant Big Mac, he took off for spring training right after the ceremony in St. Louis. This ensures that he's in Florida a FULL WEEK before position players are required to report in. This means two things. First, he's not wasting any time getting focused on the upcoming season and honing his intensity. Secondly, if this is the bar to which Americans are supposed to be held, then I am a horribly lazy person.

Michael Leach at MLB.com writes,

"It's been a busy and momentous several months for Pujols. The Cardinals won the World Series in October, and shortly afterward he received his first Rawlings Gold Glove Award. In January he traveled to the Dominican on a humanitarian mission to help provide medical care and education for impoverished children in his home country. "

Do you think this man ever just wakes up in the morning and says, "Gee...I think I'll skip my ten mile jog today. And you know what? I lifted arms and chest on Tuesday. Screw it. In fact, I'm not watching any game film today. And I'm skipping Pilate's class, my French and violin lessons, lunch at the soup kitchen, horseback riding practice, tai chi practice, kama sutra practice, jury duty, rehearsals for my upcoming role in the Broadway musical Chicago, police academy training and my congressional committee meeting. Fuck it. I'm watching Saved By the Bell re-runs."

Yeah, I didn't think so.