Wait, What? The Season Started?

I have been terribly neglectful over the past couple of weeks and it shames me to the core. I didn't get to my pre-season round up, wasn't able to compose a post exulting the arrival of Opening Day and most importantly, have yet to address the Cubs season opening failure. Therefore, this post has a lot to cover. Let's get to it, shall we?

First and foremost, BASEBALL IS BACK!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!! I feel like I've been more excited than usual for the season to start. I don't know if it's the weather or just my complete indifference to the NBA, but I couldn't WAIT for America's favorite past time to finally get underway. So far it's been gratifying, as the Cardinals have started the season in rather impressive fashion. Save a couple of late inning hiccups by the bullpen, it's been a delight to dig into the first couple of series against the Reds and Brewers. A 4-2 record is certainly nothing to complain about, particularly compared to how the Astros and Cubs have been faring. Yeesh. Coming into the opening game at Busch Stadium today, the Astros are winless, while the Cubs have floundered about through their first couple of series winning only one in each. And I'd be remiss not to mention their opening game against Atlanta. My old buddy Carlos Zambrano got lit up for six runs in the bottom of the first inning and another two in the second before promptly getting yanked. A Zambrano Explosion this early in the season? What is this, an early birthday present? My dad happened to be watching that hot mess and thankfully called to share the good news. He was so hysterical, I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying. All I could make out was "Zambrano...rocked for six runs...first inning....MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" It's reasons like this that I'm glad he brainwashed me at a young age. How horrible my life would be if we couldn't share those beautiful moments!

In other Zambrano news, the man has been practically haunting me lately. In preparation for the opener at Wrigley today, they've been hanging banners and signs all over the outside of the stadium. As such, a giant photo of Big Ball Scratcher McGee is plastered right next to the main entrance. It's terrifying. In fact, it's actually been giving me nightmares. I had a dream last night that Carlos was my sister's ex-husband and tried to kidnap my nephew in a helicopter. It was so realistic, I actually woke up angry with my sister. That just isn't normal.

In any case, it's opening day at Busch today. I've got the game fired up on my computer and am hoping to see Waino pitch a merciless game. After watching Carpenter struggle through five innings last night, it would be nice to see a lights out performance that isn't peppered with 19 homeruns. That Sunday night soap opera was the first game I've been able to catch on TV this year and it was certainly a roller coaster ride. (Editors note: I HATE roller coasters.) Pujols and Holliday led a ninth inning rally, teeing off on Trevor Hoffman for back to back homeruns, before Kyle McClellan savagely crushed their efforts with a walk off homerun to Casey McGehee. Plus, David Freese acted like he'd never seen a baseball before, racking up two errors in the same inning. What was that kid's problem? Is he legally blind? GAH!!!! It was refreshing to remember how batshit insane I become while watching this team. All negativity aside, it was also a blast to be reminded of just how awesome it is to watch Albert Pujols play baseball. I think he's already hit 27 homeruns this season, which makes me want to weep in gratitude. It never gets old watching him destroy things. You know what DOES get old, though? Listening to the commentary by Jon Miller, Joe Morgan and Orel Hershiser. I had to change the channel every fifteen minutes or so to alleviate my irritation with their inane ramblings. Do they honestly get PAID to do this? I've heard drunken homeless people make more sense. If ESPN and WGN broadcasts are they only ones I get to see this summer, I might as well go poke a stick through my eardrum.

Baseball is back, people. Let the fun begin!

Oh, For The Love Of God

Well, kiddies, we are off to a FANTASTIC start. After losing two of the first three games of the season to the Pirates, (who I should point out are so awful that they lost to their AA team in an exhibition game last week), the Cardinals have already got me prepared to throw myself down a flight of stairs and spend the rest of the season in a vegetative state. First and foremost, the bullpen is a complete and total clusterf#$k. I mean, what were DeWitt and company doing all winter? It was pretty obvious by the end of the 2008 season that we needed to fortify our relief corp with some guys that don't infest the late innings with endless variations of SUCK. Even more important was identifying a legitimate closer that could hold a lead and not make me want to pelt him with batteries. In their infinite wisdom, the Cardinals decided to do neither of these things. As a result, we have a former catcher playing the role of Jason Isringhausen and doing a mighty fine job of emulating him to perfection. With a two run lead going into the top of the ninth on opening day, Jason Motte gave up four runs and promptly caused an entire legion of Redbird fans to throw up all over themselves. Holy hell, we are in for a long few months.

Then, after a redemptive 9-3 shellacking on Tuesday, things returned to form on Wednesday when Todd Wellemeyer gave up five runs over five innings. All considered, the St. Louis arms allowed 17 hits, 12 of which were Wellemeyer's. The finale of this four game series is this afternoon and frankly, I feel bad for Chris Carpenter. No matter how well he does, his 2009 debut will likely be rendered meaningless if he can't pitch a complete game. Following a relatively competent outing yesterday, the bullpen is probably due for another colossal meltdown. After all, their only consistency is their complete and utter lack of consistency. Siiiigh

The good news in Chicago is that over the course of the past year, I've met some Missouri natives who are loyal and obsessive Cardinal fans. I can't tell you how nice it is to have a few sympathetic shoulders to cry on, particularly after this uninspiring start to the season. I have a sinking feeling we'll be relying on each other a lot over the next several weeks, as the Redbirds take on the Scrubbies nine freakin' times in the month of April. I've already been offered three different sets of tickets for the series in Chicago next weekend, but sadly will be out of town at a wedding. I'm honestly not terribly upset over missing it, as I don't relish the idea of being heckled incessantly for three days straight. At this point, I don't have enough confidence in this Cardinal team to even fight back with any sort of conviction. On the other hand, the groomsman I've been paired with at this wedding is one of the more vocal and obnoxious Cubs fans I know. Imagining the toxic tongue bath he's going to give me the second I arrive is already making the hair stand up on the back of my neck. There's a serious chance he'll have to escort me down the aisle in a wheelchair, which is encouraging if you really think about it. It means I haven't COMPLETELY lost my edge yet.

I Believe This is Reckless Endangerment

Is Milwaukee the only team we play this summer? For crying out loud, I think we've already faced them 27 times this year. What's worse is that I think they're finally catching on to us, because like last Thursday's game, the Brewers were able to squeak one out and away from us yesterday afternoon. It took them 12 innings to do it this time around, but the end result was the same: a big ol' disappointing loss for the Cardinals. Despite a late inning rally that tied things up in the ninth, the Redbirds couldn't get anything going again in extra innings and fell 9-8.

Per MLB.com,

"Eight runs and nine innings weren't enough for the Cardinals on Tuesday.
Neither were three middle infielders. And remarkably, 13 pitchers almost didn't
cover it, either. Four hours and 28 minutes of baseball culminated in Gabe
Kapler's one-out RBI single in the 12th inning, ending a bizarre game as the
Cardinals lost to the Brewers, 9-8, at Miller Park. Seven Cardinals and eight
Brewers pitched, Albert Pujols made an appearance at second base and the
Cardinals left a staggering 16 runners on base. "

Good grief. The only way this could have been more of a circus is if they'd brought in some dancing bears in funny hats or shot a guy out of a cannon. Reading the entire game summary, you get the feeling that NOBODY on that field had any clue what was going on. I would imagine it looked a lot like that scene in Armageddon where meteors are falling all over New York City and people are running screaming everywhere as cars explode and the top of the Chrysler building falls off. With baseballs and human bodies flying every which way (Albert played second? HUH???), it sounds like it was a sloptastic orgy of loosely organized chaos. So even though neither bullpen showed any functional utility as members of professional baseball teams, it's nice to know that any of these guys would make wonderful antagonists in the next Michael Bay movie.