Chicago Redbird

LOOK OVER HERE!

2010-05-18T11:36:00.004-05:00

I'm writing for these guys now. It's happy good fun times.

Don't Panic!!!!

2010-05-07T10:56:00.007-05:00

Good grief, the past three days have been depressing. In addition to the stock market tanking and my liver fighting Vegas induced atrophy, the Cards lost three in a row to the Phillies. I'm pretty sure this combination makes me a poor and fragile loser, which I dislike intensely. I imagine this must be how Cubs fans feel. It's unsettling. After a series of texts with Dad last night, in which I whined about these recent failures, he finally talked me down from the ledge by reminding me that the big pictures is still rosy for the Redbirds and that the Cubs are absolutely terrible. It cheered me slightly, I admit. I was able to sleep last night knowing that the Pirates swept the Scrubbies and pummeled them 11-1 in the finale. However, this losing crap needs to come to a stop! I've become quite accustomed to and comfortable with the Cardinals winning lots of baseball games, and I'm actually a much nicer person when this happens with regularity. Remember the sociopath I became during the 2008 season? NOBODY WANTS THAT! I fear for my friends, family and co-workers if this shame spiral continues any longer. As in, I fear I will no longer have any.

Regardless, the season lumbers on tonight as the Birds fly west across Pennsylvania to visit the Pirates. One can only hope they have a little more success on this end of the state. After three consecutive days of bad news, I could use a little pick me up. It's either that or I start swearing at the TV again, which my mother assures me is done enough by my father for all of us. We have a very special family.

I Don't Like to Vacuum, But I LOOOOVE To Sweep!

2010-04-29T15:47:00.008-05:00

Whew, that was close! Things looked as though they were going to get a little hairy last weekend, what with the Cardinals losing two of three to the Giants (their first series loss of the season) and the Cubs sweeping their three game visit to Milwaukee. But don't worry, people, it was simply a FALSE ALARM! Sure, I did go to the Cubs game on Monday night and nearly acquired hypothermia while the Nats bullpen kindly walked in the game winning run in the bottom of the 10th. Sure, Adam Wainwright wasn't QUITE as sharp today as he's otherwise been this season. However, some balance has been restored in the world over the past couple of days, as the wily Redbirds pounded on the last place Atlanta Braves for four straight games (making this a five game winning streak), while the Cubs lost their next two to Washington and don't appear likely to close the 8 run hole they are currently in against Arizona. And remember how I used to pick on David Freese? Well, that's all water under the bridge now, after his heroic 6 RBI game today. Congratulations, Mr. Freese! You've been exonerated for all of the random stuff I've been stubbornly holding against you for the past several weeks, which I'm sure is a HUGE relief. Now, if all goes according to plan, this ought to prop the Cards 5.5 games in front of the now third place Baby Bears and 4.5 ahead of second place Cincinnati. Not a bad place to be, if I do say so myself. Not a bad place at ALL. What is most definitely a bad place? The bleachers at Wrigley Field. Just ask this girl, who had to learn the hard way that you can't punch strangers in the face at the ballpark. Now, I know what you're thinking. Exceptions should definitely be made to that rule which excuse the savage beating of white trash Cubs fans. I completely agree with you, although I'm unfortunately having a tough time getting that legislation through Congress.

Anyhow, I'm likely going to miss all baseball related activities this weekend, as I'm jetting off to another potentially "bad" place. I've never been to Las Vegas before, but based on everything I learned from the movie "The Hangover", I'm probably going to end up roofied, married and/or missing a limb. Much like the Wrigley Field bleachers, it seems the laws of nature prevent one from leaving that town with any semblance of sobriety or dignity. Although if you look at the bright side, it's nice to know that these years of suffering amongst the Cub fan bleacher monkeys are finally going to pay off. It's been like Las Vegas boot camp, which probably comes off as more of a compliment than I intended. Because I hate them, you see. I just want to make sure that's clear.

Get Outta Town!

2010-04-22T09:29:00.007-05:00

I must have done something really awesome in a previous life to deserve this lovely bouquet of karmic glory that I'm enjoying right now. My cell phone essentially had a seizure last night, as the texts and calls poured in to share the news that Carlos Zambrano's reign of terror has been temporarily suspended, as he has been removed from the Cubs starting rotation and relegated to the bullpen. He is now, in all liklihood, the highest paid human to ever babysit Jeff Samardzija. It's a fantastic turn of events, though. Just think of all the new stuff he can beat up out there! The dugout watercoolers had to be getting a little rote for the guy. This new gig presents him with a tremendous opportunity to display his creativity and take his temper tantrums to the next level. Carlos Marmol, you best take note! You don't know if he's going to use you as a punching bag or a WEAPON!

In other news, Carp fanned ten over 7 plus innings last night in the Cards 9-4 win over the D'backs. Colby Rasmus couldn't keep the ball in the yard if he tried, while Skip Schumaker busted his slump with a three run homer in the ninth. This capped off a 5 run 9th inning, which gave the Birds a lead that the bullpen was miraculously able to maintain. Woohoo!!! This series victory keeps the hot streak alive, as the Cards now sit 2.5 games in first place, maintain the best record in the national league and lay claim to all five of their series this season. I have to keep telling myself that it's only going to go downhill from here, otherwise I'd probably start being nice to Cubs fans or something equally reprehensible. And I just don't think I want to live in a world where that kind of thing happens.

I Could Get Used To This Winning Stuff

2010-04-19T15:41:00.005-05:00

After the first four series of this young season, I have to admit I'm pretty tickled about the state of affairs in Baseball Land. This weekend we got to see the Chicago Scrubbies lose two of three to the hapless Astros, which was especially satisfying after all of the crap my boss gave me on Friday afternoon. After what would end up being the Cubs lone win of the weekend, he proceeded to heckle me incessantly about the Cards losing to Houston the day before. His twisted logic was that because Houston earned their first win of the year against the Cards (9 games into the season, mind you,) that the Redbirds were destined for failure and early season obliteration. What that reasoning says about the Cubs losing the next two in a row to Houston? I don't like to speculate, but I'd guess a team wide outbreak of spinal meningitis. I like to be conservative with stuff like this.

In other happy news, the Cardinals took two of three from the Metropolitans of New York this weekend, improving their record to 8-4. They have now won two of three in all four of their first series, which is encouraging to be sure. Carpenter pitched a strong seven innings on Friday and allowed Felipe Lopez's seventh inning grand slam to seal the deal and send us to bed happy. Enter Saturday night's epic 20 inning showdown, where Johan Santana, Jaime Garcia and what seemed like every single member of every bullpen in the National League battled it out for 18 scoreless frames before St. Louis finally succumbed 2-1. Position players were pitching, pitchers were in the outfield, it was SHEER BEDLAM!!! I'm surprised Big Mac didn't play a couple of outs. Or one of the announcers. Or maybe even my great aunt Betsy. I actually thought my brain was going to catch on fire just trying to keep track of it all. "Joe Mather is doing WHAT? Kyle Lohse is WHERE?" Even more impressive is that Yadier Molina caught that entire damn game, which you'd think would require him to have immediate reconstructive knee surgery. Then again, he's probably made of tougher stuff than most of us. I would have passed out halfway through the second inning, although that probably doesn't say as much about his vim and vigor as it does about my athletic limitations. I'm quite the delicate creature, you know.

Finally, Adam Wainwright pitched a complete game last night and picked up the W on the heels of Colby Rasmus and Ryan Ludwick homeruns, himself scoring a run after an 8th inning double. He was positively terrifying as the night wore on. I swear, he could have pitched another five innings, he just was that in control those last few at bats. In any case, Brad Penny takes the mound tonight in Arizona, so hopefully these guys keep it up. The bullpen should be rested again, so hopefully Waino's performance will allow Penny a few innings of relief if he needs it. Although wishing for a Jason Motte appearance is sort of like hoping to get a canker sore. By which I mean, nobody actually does that.

Patience: Tested, Failed

2010-04-13T10:09:00.004-05:00

You know, I almost forgot how much I hated Cubs fans until yesterday. GOOD HOLY GOD!!!! My four mile, ten minute drive home from work last night was transformed by Wrigley's home opener into a 40 minute exercise in futility. By which I mean, I TRIED to remain calm. I TRIED to keep my blood pressure from rising and the anger from swelling deep in the pit of my stomach. BUT DAMMIT, I CAN'T HELP IT!!!! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME INSANE!!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, YOU DRUNKEN BUFFOONS!!!! It took everything I had to resist ramming cars and running over baby strollers. I had overworked and underpaid traffic guards blocking me from my normal route home, thus forcing me to head in the opposite direction of where I needed to go. I had a friendly fellow in an SUV call me a bitch because I wouldn't "honk for the W". I had morons meandering across the street ignoring all traffic signals or rational thought. PLUS, I really had to pee. It was maddening. I actually went and bought a new bike after work, with the idea that I can start riding it to work when the Cubs play a day game. That way, I'm not faced with the moral dilemma of commiting vehicular homicide on a regular basis. I may have been able to resist it last night, but it was only opening day. By the end of the summer, I believe the temptation will be too much to resist.

So, yes. Baseball is back. God help us all.

Wait, What? The Season Started?

2010-04-09T10:37:00.010-05:00

I have been terribly neglectful over the past couple of weeks and it shames me to the core. I didn't get to my pre-season round up, wasn't able to compose a post exulting the arrival of Opening Day and most importantly, have yet to address the Cubs season opening failure. Therefore, this post has a lot to cover. Let's get to it, shall we?

First and foremost, BASEBALL IS BACK!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!! I feel like I've been more excited than usual for the season to start. I don't know if it's the weather or just my complete indifference to the NBA, but I couldn't WAIT for America's favorite past time to finally get underway. So far it's been gratifying, as the Cardinals have started the season in rather impressive fashion. Save a couple of late inning hiccups by the bullpen, it's been a delight to dig into the first couple of series against the Reds and Brewers. A 4-2 record is certainly nothing to complain about, particularly compared to how the Astros and Cubs have been faring. Yeesh. Coming into the opening game at Busch Stadium today, the Astros are winless, while the Cubs have floundered about through their first couple of series winning only one in each. And I'd be remiss not to mention their opening game against Atlanta. My old buddy Carlos Zambrano got lit up for six runs in the bottom of the first inning and another two in the second before promptly getting yanked. A Zambrano Explosion this early in the season? What is this, an early birthday present? My dad happened to be watching that hot mess and thankfully called to share the good news. He was so hysterical, I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying. All I could make out was "Zambrano...rocked for six runs...first inning....MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" It's reasons like this that I'm glad he brainwashed me at a young age. How horrible my life would be if we couldn't share those beautiful moments!

In other Zambrano news, the man has been practically haunting me lately. In preparation for the opener at Wrigley today, they've been hanging banners and signs all over the outside of the stadium. As such, a giant photo of Big Ball Scratcher McGee is plastered right next to the main entrance. It's terrifying. In fact, it's actually been giving me nightmares. I had a dream last night that Carlos was my sister's ex-husband and tried to kidnap my nephew in a helicopter. It was so realistic, I actually woke up angry with my sister. That just isn't normal.

In any case, it's opening day at Busch today. I've got the game fired up on my computer and am hoping to see Waino pitch a merciless game. After watching Carpenter struggle through five innings last night, it would be nice to see a lights out performance that isn't peppered with 19 homeruns. That Sunday night soap opera was the first game I've been able to catch on TV this year and it was certainly a roller coaster ride. (Editors note: I HATE roller coasters.) Pujols and Holliday led a ninth inning rally, teeing off on Trevor Hoffman for back to back homeruns, before Kyle McClellan savagely crushed their efforts with a walk off homerun to Casey McGehee. Plus, David Freese acted like he'd never seen a baseball before, racking up two errors in the same inning. What was that kid's problem? Is he legally blind? GAH!!!! It was refreshing to remember how batshit insane I become while watching this team. All negativity aside, it was also a blast to be reminded of just how awesome it is to watch Albert Pujols play baseball. I think he's already hit 27 homeruns this season, which makes me want to weep in gratitude. It never gets old watching him destroy things. You know what DOES get old, though? Listening to the commentary by Jon Miller, Joe Morgan and Orel Hershiser. I had to change the channel every fifteen minutes or so to alleviate my irritation with their inane ramblings. Do they honestly get PAID to do this? I've heard drunken homeless people make more sense. If ESPN and WGN broadcasts are they only ones I get to see this summer, I might as well go poke a stick through my eardrum.

Baseball is back, people. Let the fun begin!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

2009-10-09T12:46:00.004-05:00

I Like Big BATS and I Cannot Lie...

2009-08-12T12:49:00.009-05:00

I've been putting this post off for a while now, (lest I jinx myself and force the Cardinals into a 10 game skid,) but the recent rash of awesomeness definitely warrants mentioning. As a seasoned skeptic, I'm not usually convinced that Redbird success is anything other than a total fluke. However, as the month of August wears on, I'm starting to subscribe to the theory that we might actually have a skilled, well balanced and fully synchronized group of ballplayers on our hands. The Birds have won 7 of their last 10 and now sit 4.5 games in first place ahead of the shame spiraling baby bears of Chi-town. It's an intoxicating feeling, to be sure. Hell, I hardly know what to do with myself! I think I could even hug a Cubs fan, although that might be taking it a little too far. Let's not get carried away here, people.

Speaking of the Scrubbies, those poor bastards have now lost five in a row, including a sweep by the Phillies at home. YIKES, that hurts! So much so that one drunken idiot in the center field bleachers decided to express his displeasure by dousing Shane Victorino with a plastic cup full of beer on Wednesday. Oh, those silly Cubs fans! Time and time again, they continue to prove themselves the poster children of class and dignity.

Anyway, I have to admit, I find this all rather uncomfortable. It's awkward to write about the Cardinals winning, as I can't muster up the sarcasm and indignant acidity that usually craft my commentary. I struggle with my analysis when it isn't spewed venomously, peppered with swear words or reduced to volatile and violent ranting. Thank goodness I'm a cynic or else this blog would be in some serious trouble! As great as things are going, I'm obviously completely convinced this will be the happiest I'm allowed to be all season. There's no way I get to coast through the rest of the year in a blissful state of euphoria, right? In fact, I'm going to go ahead and predict that things will go horribly wrong in September. By which I mean, cataclysmically, tortuously and mind meltingly WRONG. Chris Carpenter will fall down a flight of stairs, Albert Pujols will poke his eye out with a Sharpie, Matt Holliday will choke to death on a chicken wing and Tony LaRussa will be diagnosed with a rapidly progressing form of Alzheimer's that will prevent him from being able to tell the difference between a scorecard and a recipe for tater tot casserole. Despite this, the Cards will somehow take the wild card and then lose in the first round of the playoffs to the Dodgers.

Holy crap, I think I just gave myself a stroke.

Holy Crap.

2009-07-24T11:39:00.004-05:00

As I write this, the Cardinals have just completed a trade for Matt Holliday. In return, the A's receive three prospects, including much ballyhooed third baseman, Brett Wallace, and right-hander Clayton Mortensen. I am literally speechless. When did the Redbird brass grow such gigantic balls? This is practically unheard of in St. Louis! As an organization that has historically overvalued its farm system, it is certainly a surprise for Cardinals management to give up top stud prospects for a big (read: EXPENSIVE) bat. That being said, it could be a savvy move that not only fortifies the lineup and increases this season's playoff chances, but also reassures Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols that this team is at least marginally interested in winning a couple of ball games. With pricey contract negotiations in the not-so-distant future, the front office is smart to take a proactive step in addressing Pujols and LaRussa's concerns, especially if the priority is to keep them around.

Anyway, I'm far too excited to try and be analytical right now. As a wise friend so eloquently said on his Facebook page this morning, "Suck it, Cubs fans!"

The All Star Break Breakdown

2009-07-16T13:48:00.007-05:00

Hello long lost friends! I'm not sure where the summer days have gone, but it's been so long since I last posted, I damn near forgot my password to the account. For those of you that have been around the past two seasons, you know this isn't uncommon. I have a tendency to drop off over the June and July months only to miraculously reappear right around the All-Star Game. I just can't resist making fun of its uselessness, you see! Now, you might be thinking that because the game was in St. Louis this year that I might find it a little less annoying. You, my friend, would be wrong. Even the fact that three Redbirds were playing couldn't inspire me to give a crap. (Albert Pujols, Ryan Franklin and Yadier Molina all donned the fancy NL uniform this year.) The only parts I tuned in for were the last few minutes of the home run derby and the celebrity softball game. (Editors note: Nelly is a surprisingly adept outfielder!) Per usual, the National League crapped the bed again, thereby extending their All Star Game drought to 11 years. YAWWWWN.

Anyway, much has happened over the past six weeks. Because I'm incredibly lazy and only marginally competent, I will attempt to summarize these happenings below.

1. The Cardinals traded Chris Perez for Mark DeRosa. DeRosa promptly chopped his hand off at the wrist and spent 15 days on the DL. Since his return, he's been about as useful as a third nipple. This makes the Cubs fans in my life VERY happy, which I hate.

2. The Cardinals traded Chris Duncan for Julio Lugo. Mr. Lugo has been smacking the ball around a little bit, which is a trait I can appreciate. Mr. Duncan should take notes.

3. Some idiot finally bought the Cubs. Congratu-freakin'-lations. You're the proud patriarch of the most delusional fans in baseball!

4. Speaking of the Cubs, Zambrano threw a couple more hissy fits in my absence. Color me surprised! Honestly, it doesn't even phase me anymore. Zambrano losing his damn mind happens about as often as he scratches his balls. Which is approximately every three to four seconds.

5. The Cubs and Cardinals met again in Chicago for a four game series. This was split 2-2, giving the Cardinals a 8-5 record against them on the year. I'd be far more excited by this if more of these games ended in mass Cub fan executions.

6. Rumors swirled that the Cardinals were interested in Jay Halladay. I had a hearty laugh about this to myself, as this was clearly the largest falsehood ever perpetuated by Cardinals fans.

7. Albert hit a bunch of home runs and basically provided the entire Cardinals offense for the entire months of June and July. At some point, he has to start getting really annoyed with being the only person doing anything useful. I mean, I get annoyed at work if I have to change the water cooler bottle a couple of times in a row. His position is arguably more frustrating than mine.

8. Troy Glaus and Khalil Greene started making rehab starts in Memphis. Dare I say, the Cardinals may just have a fearsome team coming together if everyone can remain healthy.

9. A bunch of guys started growing Tom Selleck facial hair. Rick Ankiel, Brendan Ryan and Ryan Franklin all look like deranged lumberjacks, which sounds a lot cooler in theory than it is in practice.

10. Speaking of Rick Ankiel, I heard a rumor that he created his own wine label. This might explain why he has sucked so badly over the past couple of months. I know that my own productivity has an inverse relationship with how much wine I consume. Might I suggest Black Russians?

Anyway, I'm hoping this laziness of mine wears off and I get back to venting my Redbird frustrations here on this fair blog. I should quit taking it out on my roommate, as I'm afraid she'll take out a restraining order. She can be so sensitive sometimes.

Dirty Dugout: Update #2

2009-06-18T10:26:00.008-05:00

It has been faaaar too long since my last fantasy baseball update, so allow me to recap all of the amazing action of the past month and a half in two words: we suck. I'm not kidding, this may be the most pathetic attempt at organized social activity that I've ever seen. It's not even that no one is trying, because that was completely expected. It's the complete and total indifference that has doomed this poor little exercise! Yet, despite our collective lack of competitive spirit and competence, the season continues to plod on and sputter forward. In fact, I'm pleased to announce that after weeks of toiling around the gutter, my plucky little squad has joined SMA (i.e. Jamee) at the top of the heap. Based on the daily email reports I get from ESPN, the two of us have been toggling back and forth for a couple of weeks now. Isn't that exciting? Let me give you a moment to catch your breath.

And now for the rest of the standings:

As of 6/18/09:

1. SMA (i.e. Jamee) - 76.5

2. PIMP (i.e. Lindsay) - 68.5

3. NICK (i.e. Laura) - 58

4. NATV (i.e. Ashley) - 56.5

5. YANK (i.e. Abbey) - 56

6. MSH (i.e. Rigi) - 55.5

7. GRAY (i.e. Molly) - 55

8. FUKU (i.e. Nicole) - 52

9. WMPA (i.e. Kelly) - 45

10. SK (i.e. Emily) - 27

Other than my ascension from the basement to the penthouse, the standings have remained remarkably unchanged. SK is still demonstrating her complete dedication to sucking terribly and WMPA is no slouch in that department either. The one glimmering highlight of the past month has been FUKU's slow descent into mediocrity, which I relish more than just about anything. This is because I hate her and all that she stands for.

Anyway, let's move on to the awards.

Best Use of Uninjured Players: SMA is starting seven players right now that have injuries of varying severity, yet she still sits atop the leaderboard. I don't know how that's possible, except that the rest of her players must be performing at superhuman levels. I mean, nearly 30% of her team is disabled, which now that I do the math, is roughly the same percentage of her brain that's been damaged from alcohol poisoning. It's an alarming coincidence, don't you think?

Best Inexplicable Use of the Bench: NICK has three open spots in her pitching lineup, yet for some reason has three of her pitchers sitting on the bench. I can't imagine this was on purpose, yet how does that happen by accident? Considering she's only got five healthy hurlers right now, I imagine this will eventually start to have an impact. That's insight you can't get anywhere else, people!

Best Collection of Douchebags: I hadn't noticed it until now, but holy crap, does NATV have a team full of tools! A-Rod, Manny, Johnny Damon, Aramis Ramirez, etc., etc. She's even got a Weaver brother in there! If she were to trade for Carlos Zambrano, it'd be like the Asshole Apocalypse. (Which I imagine looking at lot like the music video for "Thriller", if it were staged at Wrigley Field.)

Best Use of Team Branding: Another thing I hadn't noticed until now is that MSH actually owns her patron saint. Somehow she was able to draft Geovany Soto, which for those who don't know, is who she named her team after. I find this incredibly unfair, as I named my team after Albert Pujols, yet he is currently wasting his talents with SK's ragtag bunch of underperformers. (Which is, ironically, much like his existence on the current Cardinals squad. Siiiiiigh.)

Okay, kiddies, that will be all for now. I'm off to go rafting in Colorado this weekend, so if I don't drown or crush my skull on a rock, I'll be back to check in once I return. You won't want to miss the dazzling inside information I have on how badly these fantasy teams are mismanaged and underutilized! (YAWN.) Honestly, if you ladies know what's good for you, you'll start doing something interesting. Otherwise, I'll be forced to resort to personal insults and profanity, which my mother has repeatedly asked me not to do. Work with me, people!

Predictable Happenings Often Happen In Baseball

2009-05-27T21:47:00.008-05:00

Just when I think he can't do anything more absurd, Big "Ball Scratcher" Zambrano does something like this and totally reaffirms my complete disdain and disgusted amusement. In the Cubs win against the Pirates today, my old buddy Carlos threw himself another one of his legendary hissy fits and found himself ejected and faced with a probable suspension. It all started with a wild pitch that found him attempting to make a play at home, which caused him to make contact with the umpire, which caused him to throw a ball into the outfield, toss his glove and proceed into the dugout where he promptly beat the water cooler with a bat. My sweet heavens. He makes my job of hating him with the red hot fire of a thousand suns INCREDIBLY easy.

In other predictable news, I was speaking with my sister's fiance tonight and he was regaling me with a tale of one, Mr. Jason Isringhausen. Evidently, he worked his magic against the Cleveland Indians on Monday and successfully helped the Tampa Bay Rays choke up a ten run lead and the all-but-sure win. In total, the bullpen gave up 7 runs in the bottom of the ninth, including a trademark game losing two run single from Izzy. Oh, how I miss those retina shattering, brain blasting, soul crushing moments! As a running joke in our family, this will no doubt provide endless hours of entertainment.

As for the Redbirds, well those plucky little fellows keep right on keeping on. After taking two of three from the Royals and two of three from our beer swilling rivals in Milwaukee, they have officially taken the first place spot in the NL Central. However temporary this may be, I am really quite pleased. After a tumultuous day at the office, I needed some good news to keep me from jamming a pen in my eye. As it stands, I'm still tempted to pull a Zambrano and club someone over the cranium with a bat. It's either that or have six or seven Black Russians. The jury is still out.

SWEEP-A-DOODLE!!!!

2009-05-21T23:14:00.003-05:00

Holy freakin' hell. The Cardinals just completed a sweep of the Chicago Scrubbies. Did anyone else see this? I'm completely blinded by euphoria. My roommate was equally ecstatic, by which I mean, she posted her very first Facebook status update tonight about the Redbird's success. And I quote, "Sweeeep it up Redbirds! Show these baby bears who's boss." I have to say, she's a loyal Rick Ankiel fan. In so much, that her fantasy baseball name is "Sprained My Ankiel". Plus, she has a shirt with his name on it. Without giving too much away, she wants to have his babies. I commend her. Bravo, young lady! As soon as he recovers from mashing his face into the center field wall, we'll be in business. Anyway, I've gotten off course. The whole point of this post is to gloat over how the Cards won three games in a row against he Cubs. What. The. F!@#??? Although we have serious problems doing that thing where people smack baseballs, run around and score runs, our starting pitching has been nothing short of....awesome? It feels weird to say. Joel Piniero isn't supposed to be good, but has been. Todd Wellemeyer isn't supposed to be good, but he pitched a couple of the only wins we've had in May. Chris Carpenter came back last night and reminded everyone how much fun it is to watch him destroy human confidence. And Adam Wainwright? Oh my sweet lord, he came back from a few frosty games early in the month to pitch a game tonight where he spent 8 2/3 innings on the mound. My phone has been exploding with fun tonight. The only downer has been a Cubs friend of mine who has expressed a bit of intestinal discomfort. BUMMER.

In any case, I'm headed to another wedding tomorrow and this is a terrific way to start my long weekend. The fact that Adam Wainwright didn't win American Idol is downright criminal.

You Had To Know This Would Happen

2009-05-18T15:08:00.014-05:00

You see, friends, THIS is exactly why I endorse unyielding pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and any other "ism" you can think of. If my research has taught me anything over the past few years, it's that being a bitter malcontent is the only thing that can save us Cardinal fans from the soul mutilating heartbreak that will tempt us to stick our heads in an oven half a dozen times a year. One might argue that I'm only kidding myself and that I'm actually just making myself miserable for no real purpose, to which I say, "kindly go swallow a straight razor." It's science, people. I don't make the rules. Anyhow, after a rain-out on Friday and back-to-back losses to the surging Milwaukee Brewers, the Cardinals are now two games out of first place and a half game (gulp) behind the Scrubbies. This was probably inevitable, as I suppose they call them "hot streaks" for a reason. The Redbirds maintaining that early season momentum was about as likely as me winning the Kentucky Derby. (Keep in mind, I've got the endurance of a panda bear.) With both Rick Ankiel and Ryan Ludwick on the DL, it would seem that it is virtually impossible for anyone to hit balls and run around the bases like they're supposed to. (See Adam Wainwright's two hitter on Saturday that ended in a loss. Let me tell you, I got an expletive laced text from my pops after THAT little gem.) Despite Colby "much-hyped minor league ingenue" Rasmus stepping it up recently, the Cards have only scored 10 total runs over the past five games. Plus, our starting pitching has slumped to 2-9 in the month of May, which now that I really think about it, doesn't seem like a very effective combination if a team is trying to win baseball games. (Swallows bottle of Xanax.)

The good news is that Kyle Lohse is taking the mound tonight (against our old mongoloid friend, Braden Looper,) to make up the Friday rain-out and Chris Carpenter is making his return on Wednesday night when the Birds take on the Cubs for what feels like the 97th time already this season. Mr. Carpenter rejoining the rotation makes me happy for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is that it keeps Todd Wellemeyer that much further away from both the mound AND my irrational subconscious. After the turd he tossed yesterday, (5 2/2 innings, four runs in the 1st, 7 walks,) I'm ready to tie him to the hood of my car and drive off a cliff. It'd be like Thelma and Louise, but with more conviction and arguably better hair.

Dirty Dugout: Update #1

2009-05-01T22:01:00.009-05:00

Well, things in the "all girls, special ed" fantasy baseball league are going just about as well as one might expect. I proposed a blockbuster trade with WMPA (i.e. Kelly) for Mark Teixeira a while back, yet considering it required a league-wide vote, the damn thing nearly took a decade to process. Quite frankly, I'm not sure how much impact it has had on my fledgling fantasy season, particularly since I wasn't starting any of the guys I traded for until NOW. As a result, I'm still lodged squarely in second-to-last place.

As unlikely as it may be, SMA (i.e. Jamee) is ruling the league and has been kicking our collective butts around the diamond for this first month of play. Considering the draft was wholly random and completely out of anyone's control, I don't actually give her any credit, yet the fact remains that she is the one to beat here in the early phase of the season. Her gloating is a bit premature, but as much as it PAINS me to admit it, warranted nonetheless. Now, onto the stats...

As of 5/7/09:

1. SMA (i.e. Jamee) - 73

2. NATV (i.e. Ashley) - 66

3. YANK (i.e. Abbey) - 62

4. FUKU (i.e. Nicole) - 58.5

4. NICK (i.e. Laura) - 58.8

6. GRAY (i.e. Molly) - 57.5

7. MSH (i.e. Rigi) - 55

8. WMPA (i.e. Kelly) - 48

9. PIMP (i.e. Lindsay) - 40

10. SK (i.e. Emily) - 31.5

I have to give myself some well earned grief for regularly starting a handful of injured players over the past month. Brian McCann (AtL), Vladimir Guerrero (LAA) and Daisuke Matsuzaka (Bosox) were all placed on the DL, yet they continued to sit in my lineup FOR WEEKS. To that end, I realize it's hypocritical to complain about incompetency in my league if I'm a complete derelict myself, yet here I go anyway. My awards for the first few weeks of the season:

Best Use of a Cardinal Player: SK has Albert Pujols. Holy hell, I want to stab her in the face.

Best Use of Eye Candy: SMA owns both Joe Mauer and Derek Jeter. She is in first place. I firmly believe this is a causal relationship, as her success clearly has nothing to do with baseball knowledge or enthusiasm. It's got to be something, right? Synergistic team sexiness is as good an explanation as any.

Best Use of a Player No One Likes: Last time I checked, WMPA had gaping spots in her outfield and second base. By which I mean, she isn't starting any players at those positions. However, she DOES have Milton Bradley sitting on her bench. Interestingly enough, I was present for his first at-bat at Wrigley as a Cub, after which he nearly ate the umpire before getting kicked out of the game. (SK can attest, as she was there with me.) What a friendly fellow! It was very polished, as though he just might have done this before. On a scale of 1 to "Carlos Zambrano Crazy", Mr. Bradley is right up there.

Best Use of a Random Dude No One Has Heard Of: I've actually heard of Brad Ausmus, but I'm mentioning him here because I find it fascinating that NATV has him starting at catcher, despite the fact that only 7% of all ESPN fantasy baseball players own him. Clearly, she knows something we don't. Insider trading?

Best Use of the Bench: GRAY was unfortunate enought to end up with Chris Duncan (StL) on her team after the draft. Presumably because someone warned her about how he stumbles around the outfield like a drunk gorilla, she currently has him riding the pine. This is probably the best decision she'll make all year.

Best Non-Excuse to Start a Flame War: I had an almost unhealthy obsession with hating FUKU and her fantasy football team this past winter and I see no reason for this to change simply because we're playing a different sport. As such, I'm taking this rivalry to the next level. I haven't quite figured out how, but I'm pretty sure Prince "Fatty Fatty Bombalatty" Fielder will somehow be involved. How does it feel to know your first baseman would probably wrap you in bacon and swallow you whole if given the chance?

Okay, ladies of the Dirty D, that's going to do it for me this time around. I'll be back to check in with you over the next couple of weeks, but in the meantime, tell your mothers you love them and get a damn haircut.

Home Sweet Home

2009-04-29T15:30:00.008-05:00

Where in the hell did the month of April go? I swear, it was just yesterday that I attended that delightful Thursday afternoon game at Wrigley, but I've been in a wedding, gone to Disney World and endured another Cubs vs. Cards series since then. Fortunately, that second series in St. Louis went substantially better than the first and we are now all tied up for the year at 3 wins a piece. Important to mention is that the Cardinals are on absolute TEAR at home with a 10-3 record on the year. After a five game streak last week against the Mets and Cubs respectively, it's almost hard to get all riled up with righteous indignation, which is just weird if I'm being completely honest. Wainwright, Lohse, Piniero and even Mitchell freakin' Boggs (who???) have all pitched well lately and it appears Ryan Franklin is settling into his role as closer. My only advice to him is, DO NOT SCREW THIS UP! Which I suppose isn't so much "advice", as it is a thinly veiled threat. Toss in Mr. Albert Pujols and his big ol' grand slam on Saturday and things are looking pretty good for us Redbird fans. The Cardinals sit three games in first place ahead of the tied Cubs, Brewers and Pirates. I would get excited, except it's not really in my nature to do that sort of thing.

Anyhow, as I write this now, the Cubs are behind 4-0 in Arizona and the Cards are gearing up for the rubber match of their three game series against the Braves. Adam Wainwright has a 6:00 appointment on the mound, which will hopefully go well enough that I won't have anything to complain about come tomorrow morning. I'm probably going to be hungover anyway, so I don't really need another reason to be grumpy. That's what my boss is for.

Huh.

2009-04-14T22:01:00.006-05:00

Well, I haven't choked to death on my own spit the past several days, so that can only mean good things for Cardinal baseball. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are! Heck, we're on a relative hot streak, if you can even call it that so early in the season. Easter Sunday was capped off by a gem of a performance by Kyle Lohse, who pitched a complete game. Plus, Albert Pujols has just been his normal awesome self, which just never gets any less fun to watch. I suppose I could talk about the bullpen some more, but I think everyone knows I feel about that collective group of run hemorrhaging time bombs. I suppose the most important thing on the horizon is the impending trip to Chicago this weekend. I originally wasn't supposed to attend any of these games (a decision I made on purpose), but now I'm being forced to go on Thursday with my big boss from Springfield. I don't really know how I feel about it, considering I'm under water at work and really don't think this will help my stress levels in any way, shape or form. Regardless, it is what it is and I shouldn't complain about going to see my favorite team play ball on a sunny afternoon. Right? I mean, what's the worst that could happen? (Cue awkward silence.) Guhhh, who am I kidding? Best case scenario, I'm marginally hung over for my trip to Galesburg on Friday morning. Worst case scenario, I'm dead or in jail. Either way, I think the bride and groom will understand, no?

PROGRAMMING NOTICE: The Dirty Dugout

2009-04-09T13:06:00.007-05:00

As the season gets up and running, I'm going to be performing a little experiment here at Chicago Redbird. After commissioning a wildly succesful, all-girls, total moron fantasy football league this past fall, I've decided that fantasy baseball presents another wonderful opportunity to exploit the collective incompetency of my friends. And thus, The Dirty Dugout was conceived. It is comprised of ten girls, including myself, most of whom do not have the foggiest notion of how or why the game of baseball is played. Much like the fantasy football league, no one really has a clue what's going on. Simply getting everyone registered for the league was about as challenging as solving the mortgage criss, not to mention the impossibilities of getting a draft set up. In other words, it is a complete comedy of errors.

In order to document the exploits of the league throughout the course of the football season, I would send out a weekly recap email with scores, standing updates and a healthy dose of insults to all the girls involved. After some prolonged (and largely unnoticed) technical difficulties, it became apparent that emails were not the most effective way to articulate just how ridiculously inept everyone was. Instead, for the fantasy baseball league, I've decided to periodically post updates and summaries on this blog. This not only ensures equal access for all parties involved, but gives the girls an open forum to react to my comments and defend their crippling stupidity to the public. If reading about a fantasy league that you are not participating in and that by most standards is a total failure does not appeal to you, please feel free to skip these posts. However, if you ever want to make yourself feel better about your own blinding imbecility, please do indulge. I promise you, these girls will make you feel like Albert freakin' Einstein.

Oh, For The Love Of God

2009-04-09T11:33:00.006-05:00

Well, kiddies, we are off to a FANTASTIC start. After losing two of the first three games of the season to the Pirates, (who I should point out are so awful that they lost to their AA team in an exhibition game last week), the Cardinals have already got me prepared to throw myself down a flight of stairs and spend the rest of the season in a vegetative state. First and foremost, the bullpen is a complete and total clusterf#$k. I mean, what were DeWitt and company doing all winter? It was pretty obvious by the end of the 2008 season that we needed to fortify our relief corp with some guys that don't infest the late innings with endless variations of SUCK. Even more important was identifying a legitimate closer that could hold a lead and not make me want to pelt him with batteries. In their infinite wisdom, the Cardinals decided to do neither of these things. As a result, we have a former catcher playing the role of Jason Isringhausen and doing a mighty fine job of emulating him to perfection. With a two run lead going into the top of the ninth on opening day, Jason Motte gave up four runs and promptly caused an entire legion of Redbird fans to throw up all over themselves. Holy hell, we are in for a long few months.

Then, after a redemptive 9-3 shellacking on Tuesday, things returned to form on Wednesday when Todd Wellemeyer gave up five runs over five innings. All considered, the St. Louis arms allowed 17 hits, 12 of which were Wellemeyer's. The finale of this four game series is this afternoon and frankly, I feel bad for Chris Carpenter. No matter how well he does, his 2009 debut will likely be rendered meaningless if he can't pitch a complete game. Following a relatively competent outing yesterday, the bullpen is probably due for another colossal meltdown. After all, their only consistency is their complete and utter lack of consistency. Siiiigh

The good news in Chicago is that over the course of the past year, I've met some Missouri natives who are loyal and obsessive Cardinal fans. I can't tell you how nice it is to have a few sympathetic shoulders to cry on, particularly after this uninspiring start to the season. I have a sinking feeling we'll be relying on each other a lot over the next several weeks, as the Redbirds take on the Scrubbies nine freakin' times in the month of April. I've already been offered three different sets of tickets for the series in Chicago next weekend, but sadly will be out of town at a wedding. I'm honestly not terribly upset over missing it, as I don't relish the idea of being heckled incessantly for three days straight. At this point, I don't have enough confidence in this Cardinal team to even fight back with any sort of conviction. On the other hand, the groomsman I've been paired with at this wedding is one of the more vocal and obnoxious Cubs fans I know. Imagining the toxic tongue bath he's going to give me the second I arrive is already making the hair stand up on the back of my neck. There's a serious chance he'll have to escort me down the aisle in a wheelchair, which is encouraging if you really think about it. It means I haven't COMPLETELY lost my edge yet.

Is This Mic On?

2009-03-20T09:56:00.006-06:00

Oh, why, hello there! Long time, no blog. Considering we're just a short 17 days away from Opening Day, I figured it might be a good idea to dust off the ol' keyboard, do some mild finger stretching exercises and figure out what the hell is going on in St. Louis. After all, if I'm going to talk about the Cardinals for the next few months, it would probably help if I got caught up on all the off season exploits I've ignored all winter long. It's relatively safe to say that my tape dispenser knows more about this team than I do right now.

To that end, I should also point out that I haven't paid much attention to any of the exhilarating spring training action either, with the exception of catching a Sunday afternoon game against the Phillies last weekend. It just so happens my Dad was at that contest in Clearwater, FL with a few fellow Cardinal fans. He called the next day specifically to tell me that he'd seen some dipshit wandering around with a Cubs hat on. And so begins another season of being tortured by the rapidly multiplying and increasingly irksome Scrubbie fan base!

Anyway, I literally have no clue who we've got in the starting lineup this year, with the exception of the obvious. Tyler Greene? Never heard of him in my life, and that's just the infield. I think I recognize about half of the names on the pitching staff. Is that good? I have no clue. The only thing I DO know is that there is one glaring omission from the bullpen that will likely spare me from suffering 30-40 epileptic seizures over the course of the year. That name? Mr. Jason Isringhausen, who has migrated to Tampa where he will presumably finish out his career and kill off half of their elderly fans in the process. WHEW!!!

So, as I've made abundantly clear, I need to do a little bit of research before the season officially starts. However, it is with a warm hello, a cynically optimistic attitude (yes, I realize that's an oxymoron) and a healthy hatred for the Cubs that I enter this fresh new season. I've got the liquor cabinet stocked and the sarcasm cannon locked and loaded. Join me, won't you? This is going to be fun.

Oh, You Poor Idiot Cubs Fans

2008-10-09T11:43:00.010-05:00

My Dad sent me the above video this morning and even though it is only remotely related to baseball, I found the punch line funny enough to post it here anyway. It seems the Cubs are the butt of a lot of jokes these days. Apparently that's what happens when you choke away a National League best record in three quick playoff games, thereby extending your World Series drought to a nice and shiny 100 years. What a pity! Couldn't happen to a bigger bunch of douchenozzles.

Anyhow, as you can imagine, it's awfully quiet on the streets of Chicago this week. With both the Cubs and White Sox getting brutally eliminated from the playoffs, no one around here is particularly interested in talking about baseball. Which is really too bad, as I have SO MUCH TO SAY! I'm finding it rather difficult to control myself, if I'm being honest. Watching the Cubs get swept out of the playoffs was so much fun, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite hobbies. And that joy is nearly impossible to bottle up, my friends! It's a damn shame that I don't have more people to share it with. In any case, I suppose the important thing is that at long last, this national nightmare is OVER. There will be no more obnoxious Cubs fans yapping in my ear about how "this is the year" and how "it's gonna happen". Clearly, my friends, you've been mistaken. You must have forgotten which team you were cheering for.

Two Down, One To Go

2008-10-03T20:44:00.006-05:00

I'm trying really hard not to get ahead of myself here, but the last couple of days have been awfully satisfying. A text message from my father this morning said, "Is it bad to enjoy others misery?" And while I know the politically correct and morally obvious answer, I just can't get rid of this completely giddy feeling in my stomach. As nervous as I've been the past two days, you'd think it were the Cardinals in the playoffs. Although in all actuality, this has been much more fun. I mean, I REMEMBER being in the playoffs. It is, for the most part, a completely miserable and unenjoyable experience. In 2006, I didn't sleep for three weeks. My dreams were haunted by David Eckstein, Jeff Weaver and Yadier Molina. It was heinous and awful and utterly gut wrenching. I felt nauseous ALL THE TIME. It's almost cruel that eight different fan bases have to go through this every year. That being said, after this long and excruciating summer of hearing everyone in Chicago holler about this "team of destiny", I can't help but feel vindicated that the Cubs lie on the precipice of elimination. Again, no one needs to tell me how evil I am or how terrible it is that I feel this way. I'm completely aware of how selfish and wrong it may be. Yet, here I am. A temporary Dodgers fan. What a whirlwind!

The strangest part of the past 48 hours has not been how I've served as a target for angry and disgruntled Cubs fans, because that makes some kind of sense. (For example, one of my friends called me in a drunken stupor on Wednesday night accusing me of using a Ryan Dempster voodoo doll.) No, the weird part is how some of them have sought me out as a theoretical sympathetic soul. This, I cannot understand. Why anyone would turn to me for comfort in this situation, I have no idea. My ability to remain neutral was lost YEARS ago. I mean, I think I've made my pure and unadulterated distaste quite clear. Yet, here I am. A temporary Cubs fan therapist. Who ever woulda thunk it? Granted, I'm not very good at it and end up offending someone far more frequently than I end up helping them, but still. Some of these wackos actually give me enough credit as a PERSON to commiserate with their misfortune! Huh. Sports fandom sure is funny sometimes.

This Is Nightmare Fuel

2008-08-21T11:31:00.008-05:00

Good grief, is it STILL baseball season? I'm honestly not even sure. I haven't really been paying attention. I know the Cardinals are officially out of playoff contention, but they've been UNofficially out of playoff contention for so long, I hardly noticed the difference. It just wasn't gonna happen. So as a method of dealing with my grief and frustration over the last several weeks, I've ignored everything associated with this soul sucking sport as a whole. I've turned down really incredible Cubs tickets (twice!) just because I didn't think I could stomach the POSSIBILITY of "Go, Cubs, Go". Watching those assholes plow over opposing pitchers like Zambrano at an all-you-can-eat baby buffet isn't painful in an "aw shucks" kind of way anymore. It actually pisses me off. If I even so much as THINK about the Cubs in the playoffs, I get myself so worked up in a tizzy that I can hardly control what's coming out of my mouth. I'll punctuate unrelated and otherwise innocuous conversations with anti-Cub tirades like someone with Tourette's. Anyone that's actually stupid enough to taunt me with the current state of affairs is likely to get an earful of poorly constructed and expletive laced proclamations about their intellectual ineptitude, physical misfortune and questionable lineage. It's an instant and visceral reaction. I can't help it. I know I'm being a bad sport and acting like a spoiled toddler, but I am powerless against the burning, raw hatred. The mere idea of Cubs fans enjoying themselves makes me want to bludgeon someone to death with a tire iron. Is this normal and healthy? My therapist doesn't seem to think so, but what the hell does she know?

It's an EXPLOSION!!!!!

2008-08-12T10:55:00.007-05:00

There are not words in the English language to express how absolutely ELATED I was on Saturday. Despite the Redbirds dropping two of three to the Cubs and Chris Carpenter leaving Sunday's contest with a strained tricep, I am still paralyzed with delight over the gem I got to ingest that brilliant afternoon. I saw with my very own eyes a TRUE Zambrano Explosion. And I gotta tell you, it was even more magical than I could have imagined. Until now, I just thought it was a myth, an urban legend. Like unicorns and fat free pizza, the Explosion only ever existed in my wildest dreams. But I witnessed that electrifying meltdown in person! 9 runs! A Skip Schumaker home run! An Albert Pujols home run! TWO Troy Glaus home runs! There were disgruntled Cubs fans EVERYWHERE! To see him collapse under the weight of his own mustache (against his old buddy Todd Wellemeyer, no less,) was one of the most satisfying moments I've had as a St. Louis fan in Chicago. It. Was. AWESOME. And the most beautiful thing was just how UNEXPECTED it was! I went into that day with the lowest of expectations. The possibility of Zambrano being anything but annoyingly effective was FAAARRR from my consciousness. He notoriously feeds off of this rivalry, after all, and NEVER loses to the Cardinals. That game was lost in my head before it even started, so by the time Big Z took the mound I had already sunk into an appropriate state of depression. (I was truly delightful company, I'm sure.) Then Skip Schumaker doubled off that first little nugget and it only got more exhilarating from there. It's common knowledge that once Big Ball Scratcher McGee gets a wee bit rattled, he totally unravels and Saturday was no exception. WEEEEE!!! When it was all said and done, 12-3 was the final and my family floated out of the stadium in complete disbelief. Had we really just seen that? Did that actually happen? I was so happy, so surprised, so VINDICATED that I could hardly stand it! That win was huge for the Cardinal fans, even if it was only relevant for 24 hours. In fact, I don't know that I've never been this giddy about a Redbird triumph over the Scrubbies. This one was personal, dammit!

Anyhow, it is worth mentioning that this gorgeous slice of baseball cheesecake might be the last joyful happenstance of the summer. With Carpenter suffering another injury so soon after coming off an 18 month stay on the DL and the bullpen apparently trying to audition for America's Funniest Home Videos, the Cards have fallen 7 games out of first place and 3 games behind the surging Brewers. Things are not looking good. However, for right this minute, I don't care. I got to see my team take down its most loathed foe on a sunny day in enemy territory. I think I'm going to just bask in that for a few days.

So THAT'S How It's Gonna Be

2008-08-08T23:50:00.003-05:00

One thing I want to make clear is the fact that I am completely aware that Jim Edmonds (formerly of the St. Louis Cardinals) plays for the Chicago Cubs. So far as I know, he's been here since May. From what I understand, he's having a pretty good go of things. That being said, I do not need to hear from every single Cubs fan that I know every single time that man takes a crap. Seriously. I have cable. I can watch SportsCenter just like every other person in the country. Sometimes when the wind blows right, I can even HEAR the joyous sounds from Wrigley. I usually assume Jim Edmonds has done something useful when my phone starts lighting up like Time freakin' Square. Basically, my point is that I am pretty much over it. He's a Cubs player. Just like Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano and Sucky Dome, I hope he doesn't hit home runs against the Cardinals. Does it make it any more painful when he does? I don't necessarily think so. A bitter pill is a bitter pill no matter who the nurse.

Anyhow, I'm already tired of this weekend and it hasn't even hardly started. My Dad and I were talking at dinner and think we're both doomed before we start. By which I mean we are pissed off before we even arrive at the gates of Wrigley. It's going to be a long day. If my Dad ends up murdering someone we are all in for a treat on Monday. Special Chicago Redbird "Jailbreak Addition"!

This Is Going To Suck

2008-08-08T10:04:00.006-05:00

I am in for a very long weekend. Regardless of how things actually end up going for the Cardinals, I'm going to be a total nervous wreck. As the Redbirds prepare for their first trip to Wrigley this year, they are 6 games back from the Cubs and one game behind the second place Brewers. In terms of important games, it doesn't get much more significant than this. A sweep in either direction would be momentous as it would either toss us into the cellar or inch us back up into the pennant race. I'm actually getting nauseous just thinking about it.

Anyway, I'm going to try and ignore the Looper vs. Lilly match up this afternoon for the sake of my own mental health and sanity. My folks blow into town tonight, along with some of the most obnoxious Cubs fans I've ever had the distinct displeasure of knowing. We are all attending tomorrow afternoon's Wellemeyer vs. Zambrano contest and my attitude is as sour as a box of lemons soaked in battery acid. I mean, there is not one little bit of me that thinks I'm going to see a win. In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm going. I will inevitably sit there all day like a time bomb of anxiety only to be heckled incessantly by fair weather Jim Edmonds sycophants. It's going to be excruciating. The only thing I can hope for is a legendary Zambrano Explosion. The way things have been going, we're going to need to score approximately 37 runs.

Speaking of which, it appears as though Jason Isringhausen has finally completed his colossal and humiliating fall from grace. (Which has resembled someone tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, scuffing his knee, pulling himself back up only to run into a pole and fall into a trash can which tips over and rolls into the street before getting crushed by a dump truck.) After playing games with my heart (literally!) all year long, his giant choke job against the Dodgers on Tuesday night pretty much crushed any illusion I still had that he could legitimately throw baseballs for money. Now, I know I give Izzy a hard time and regularly mock his uncanny abilitiy to induce heart failure, but this whole situation is lamentable and incredibly sad. He's been a huge asset to this team and has contributed immeasurably to the success in St. Louis over the last few years. It's really unfortunate his legacy as a Cardinal closer has to end with the kind of catastrophe demonstrated on Tuesday night. Worse, is that scenarios like that have become so increasingly common over the course of the last few season. At this point, we just EXPECT him to give up 6 runs in the ninth inning. Which is fine, as long as Ryan Ludwick and Albert Pujols are in the mood to crush monster home runs into the bleachers. However, that's not always going to be the case. It's time to start figuring out an alternative plan that does NOT rely on walk off homers and prayer. Now that the starting rotation is slowly returning to form with Carpenter's return and Wainwright's rehab assignment, someone needs to do something to make the bullpen appear more like a "relief corp" and less like an "execution squad". I think there's actually some talent in there somewhere if only they'd stop panicking like asthmatics at a bowling alley. I'm convinced at this point that, while Franklin, Thompson, Springer and Co. are not quite emulating Izzy, they are EMPATHIZING with him. Those are sympathy meatballs, kids. And it must stop! Izzy's self image and confidence issues are not your problem, gentleman! Let's get it together!

In any case, I'm just hoping this weekend isn't a complete failure. It'd be nice to watch a couple of games and enjoy a couple of beers without having an idiot Cubs fan in my face every other second. The thought of that is almost laughable in it's naivety, as I suppose that's just the way it is. After all, no day at the ballpark is complete without telling a good "Cards take in the Pujols" joke. Jesus...I'm annoyed already. If I make it through Sunday without lighting someone on fire, I think I should be declared eligible for a Nobel prize.

Point/Counterpoint: To Boo Or Not To Boo?

2008-07-29T16:26:00.007-05:00

After the series in New York this past weekend, I engaged my good friend K-Dog (a DIE HARD Mets fanatic) in a little conversation about the rules of east coast fandom and the merits (or lack thereof) in booing players. I initially broached the topic with a casual email expressing bewilderment over the New York faithful booing my man Albert Pujols on Sunday afternoon. Her comments so intrigued and exasperated me that I've decided to post them here along with my response. What follows is that conversation in full.

Me: Okay, K-Dog…I have a bone to pick. I watched as much of the Mets/Cards game yesterday that I could stomach and was a little disturbed by what I saw. (Aside from you kicking our ass, that is.) You guys were booing ALBERT PUJOLS! I couldn’t believe it! What the heck is up with that? You can’t boo Big Al! I’m starting to wonder if you crazy New Yorkers even like sports. Unbelievable!!!

PS: I was watching David Wright yesterday and you know…it’s really too bad he’s so unfortunate looking.

PPS: My Dad thinks he might like to have Jose Reyes play for the Cardinals. He thinks that kid might have a future.

K-Dog: We boo those who tend to murder us with heavy hitting. Chipper Jones and Pat Burrell for instance. We hate them. See, the importance and very backbone of New York sports fandom is this: we appreciate good baseball/football/insert sport here, when it benefits us only. And more often than not, as long as you performed well for us while you were here, we welcome you with open arms even when you perform well for an opposing team. Mike Piazza, for example - it might have been the first ever opposing team curtain call by a player in history. He hit a home run against the Mets on his first trip back to Shea and his loyal New York fans requested a curtain call after he took the the lead from us. We are fiercely loyal when and only when you give us something to be happy about. If you don't, we will throw you to the wolves so fast your head will spin. Slump or not, we don't give a shit what the hell is going on with you - you're making millions of dollars to hit and catch baseballs - make it happen.

As for Pujols - its part of New York baseball. When a guy hits a 2 run homer in the top of the 27th inning at 4 in the morning to beat us, we don't like him. Imagine Manny Ramirez & David Ortiz darkening Yankee Stadium's doorstep. It matters not that Ramirez might be one of the best right handed hitters in baseball. As far as Yankee fans are concerned, he causes them great pain and is therefore the devil. He, his children, his grandparents, his pets, etc. deserve whatever comes their way. It's part of the experience. We are equal opportunity booers, however. While we boo Pujols for killing us, we just as heavily, perhaps more so, boo our own players when they're killing us as well. As much as we may not care for Pujols at this time, we actually HATE Aaron Heilman, (i.e. the guy who gave up the 2 run winning homer in the 27th inning.) Loathing would not be an exaggeration. That guy must actually dread getting the call. We see him warming up in the bullpen and immediately start massaging our temples. Carlos Delgado was getting it pretty good for a while, too. Then he hit 9 RBI's at Yankee Stadium last month, tying a NY Mets record. At his first at bat at Shea that night (after a day/night double header, the 1st in the Bronx, the 2nd at Shea), he received a thunderous standing ovation.

We have simple requests: those that oppose us must not hit against us; those whose paychecks depend somewhat on our season ticket holdings must earn them. Otherwise, go f*$& yourself.

As for David Wright, he is just downright hot - it makes me happy to look at him. Plus it doesn't hurt that he's actually pretty good at baseball. You can't have Jose - aside from his idiotic dancing and handshakes in the dugout, he's extremely good at baseball and he's very entertaining to watch. And speaking of good at baseball, have you seen my new best friend Fernando Tatis? The man is on a serious hot streak. It seems singles are no longer good enough - doubles, triples and homers seem to be much more preferable for him.

Me: I think you could have summarized all of that quite succinctly just by saying “New York sports fans are crazy lunatics.” I didn’t realize there was such a method to your madness! Do you all receive some kind of manual at birth?

I just really HATE booing. My argument here is three-fold:

First of all, the way New York treats its athletes makes me want to have you all treated for bi-polar disorder. I sincerely empathize with anyone who plays on the east coast. It takes a special person to be able to tune that out and just try and do your job. In all reality, there are probably very few who are either a) super-humanly talented enough or b) strong minded enough to get through a stint out there without having batteries thrown at them or requiring therapy. When it’s good, it’s good, but when it’s BAD??? Jesus. These guys damn near have to put their families in protective custody. And that’s all before the media gets a hold of them! It’s a bit silly, no? Trying to find guys resilient enough to handle that has to significantly shrink your talent pool.

Second, I understand booing total assholes. (Perfect example: Carlos Zambrano!) But booing someone just because they are a good athlete and do not play for your team makes absolutely no sense. I may not look forward to people like Carlos Beltran coming to the plate, but for crying out loud…I think the man has earned his respect from Cardinals fans over the years. He’s not raped my sister, set my house on fire or otherwise done anything to me personally to inspire actual vitriol. Therefore, while I sincerely hope he strikes out, he’s f@#$ing GOOD. I’ve got to appreciate that even if I don’t necessarily LIKE it. What is my booing really going to do about it anyway?

Third, I don’t believe any professional athlete ever truly earns their paycheck. No one should get paid that much to play a damn game. However, me booing an overpaid baseball player is not going to deprive him of his millions OR inspire him to play better. Therefore, why waste the energy?

Basically, my point is…it’s a damn game! It’s sports and entertainment! Unfortunately, perpetual frustration comes with the package. I want to murder Jason Isringhausen 100 times a year, but it makes me sublimely sad to see him booed off the field at Busch Stadium. Where’s the fun in kicking someone when they’re down? I’ll swear violently under my breath, thank you very much.

PS: I also DESPISE fans that heckle the visiting outfielders. Grow up already, you drunken buffoons. There was a guy doing that when we were down in St. Louis and I wanted to throw a hot dog at him. Stop behaving like the Wrigley Field bleacher monkeys! You’re embarrassing me!

Stop Losing, Dammit!

2008-07-28T16:18:00.006-05:00

It really shouldn't surprise me, but the Cardinals have managed to take me from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in only a matter of days. Just when it seemed as though they were an unstoppable force of nature, my beloved Redbirds have spent the past six days crapping the metaphorical bed. It's been positively DEPRESSING. After losing 5 out of the last 6, including a 4 game sweep by the surging Milwaukee Brewers (who we OWNED earlier this year!!) and a couple of shellackings by the white hot New York Mets, the Cards are 4 games back and lodged in third place. I just really don't think it's fair for them to give me the illusion that they are a decent baseball team and then piss it away in such dramatic fashion! Granted, beating up on the poor little San Diego Padres may not have been the strongest indicator of talent and skill but STILL...doesn't momentum count for ANYTHING? You'd think these guys would have gone into that Milwaukee series with a little bit of swagger and attitude. Instead it looked like they were sleepwalking. (Which, I should mention, is completely possible and totally understandable by this point. I don't think the Cardinals have had a day off since January. Aren't there some kind of labor laws that prevent teams from playing for 18 straight days?)

The good news is that Chris Carpenter is scheduled to make his first start on Wednesday since he went on the DL last spring. I'm hoping that between him and Adam Wainwright rejoining the rotation that there might be some redeeming value left in the season. I know it's a little premature to give up on the year with two months left to play and the divisional race being as tight as it is, but honestly, the games I watched this weekend didn't inspire a great deal of confidence. Our starters can't make it through the 5th inning, the bullpen can't stop giving up home runs and it appears as though scoring more than 4 runs in any given game is downright impossible. As hard as he tries, Albert Pujols can't do EVERYTHING!

That being said, this slump couldn't come at a better time for me personally. I don't think I've had a complete nervous breakdown in weeks, so this ought to take care of that. Whew!

SWEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!

2008-07-22T14:40:00.014-05:00

I may have nearly died of a heat stroke, but I returned from St. Louis a VERY happy woman. Three days, three games and three exciting wins make this another doozy for the record books. With a win on Thursday night before we even arrived, the Cardinals were able to complete a 4 game sweep of San Diego and catapult themselves within 2 games of the Scrubbies. (Who lost two of three to Houston over the weekend. So sad!) Not a bad way to kick things off after the All-Star break, eh?

We kicked the weekend off in true Trumbull fashion on Friday night by attending the Champion's Club at Busch Stadium, where we were encouraged to drink excessively. With a license to eat and drink whatever we wanted, you best believe we were prepared to get our money's worth! As it turns out, we needed all the sustenance we could get, as the game lasted for what felt like 9 hours. When it was all said and done, there were 24 combined base hits and 18 runs. Ryan Ludwick smacked a 3 run homer in the 4th (his 22nd) and Ricky Ankiel fought through a 12 pitch at-bat in the 7th for his 22nd dinger of the year. Plus, a ton of other stuff happened, including Braden Looper looking anything but inspiring. He was as sharp as a doorknob right out of the gate and ultimately capped off his gem of a performance with a two-run homer to Jody Gerut in the 4th. Fortunately, five relievers were able to combine for six innings and gave up only one additional run on four hits. In fact, despite some cynical prognostications from my mother, even Jason Isringhausen didn't totally embarrass himself. (No, he saved that for Sunday. More on that later!) After 4 more runs in the 8th, the Cards won it 11-7 and we stumbled back to the hotel drunk on victory.

Without a doubt, the coolest thing that happened on Friday night was me skyrocketing to inevitable fame after being flashed on the Jumbotron. My Dad and I participated in a pre-taped segment before the game in which they asked us what we thought the Padres were named after. I mumbled and stuttered like an idiot without a clue, which was apparently amusing enough to use in the final piece. We're still trying to figure out what they must have done with the footage they shot of Dad, as he carried on for a good few minutes about monks, robes and the color of his own eyes. We came to a joint conclusion that it's being used to entertain the vendors in the breakroom.

Saturday began with a trip to the Cardinals Team Store, where I purchased more crap I most certainly do not need. Following a light lunch of cheeseburgers, fries and pizza at J. Bucks, we hauled our buns back to the ballpark for the 2:55 start. And let me tell you something...it was HOT. We were naturally sitting right in direct sunlight and it got so toasty by the third inning that I was actually running out of places to wipe my sweat. It also got downright depressing as Todd Wellemeyer gave up 5 runs in the first two innings before finally settling the heck down. (He was able to then pitch scorelessly until he was removed in the 7th and retired 14 of the final 16 batters he faced.) Albert Pujols hit a three-run double in the 5th to pull it within 2. After RBI singles by both Rick Ankiel and Skip Schumaker, Big Al knocked in one more in the 6th to put the Redbirds ahead for the 6-5 win. Seriously...that man is a freak of nature. I don't remember what they're paying him, but I'm sure it's nowhere near what he's worth. He's like a superhero or something.

Anyway, the crew was getting a little weary by Sunday. We'd gone out for a celebratory Italian feast on Saturday night that had left a few of us a bit, shall we say...dehydrated. Combined with the impending 96 degree heat we'd been promised for that afternoon, pretty much all of us were convinced we were going to pass out and die by the 4th inning. Luckily, that didn't happen or we would have missed one of the most awesome endings to a game that I've ever seen. None of us had great expectations going in, as both Pujols and Yadier Molina were resting and Jaime Garcia was on the mound for his first major league start EVER. However, it ended up being a wild game in which the Cardinals came from behind in the 8th, saw the lead evaporate courtesy of Jason Isringhausen in the top of the 9th and surged back for good in the bottom of that same inning with an Aaron Miles walk-off grand slam. Albert Pujols was brought in to scare the crap out of people in the 8th, which is when Troy Glaus hit a 3-run bomb to put the Cards in front. This being the Cardinals bullpen (leading the Majors with 23 blown saves!) that wasn't going to be nearly enough run support. Izzy and Little Brad Thompson proceeded to cough up enough meatballs to tie things up, which actually made things far more exciting in the end. So, thanks for being so frustratingly poor at throwing baseballs, gentleman! Anyway, after Pujols drew a walk and made it to third on a failed pick-off attempt, both Yadi and Skippy were intentionally walked. Enter Mr. Miles and his big fat grandie! WOOHOO!!!!! I needed multiple martinis, a big steak AND some cheesecake in order to adequately celebrate that ridiculous hot mess of an afternoon. (I should mention that I also desperately required a SHOWER.) St. Louis now has 24 come-from-behind wins and 12 final-at-bat wins this year. I'm being told that means these guys are a scrappy bunch of ballplayers. I'm personally inclined to think it means they're a bunch of damn drama queens, but either way I hope they keep it up.

So, now...despite dropping two in a row to Milwaukee (including the game Monday night in which we nearly came back AGAIN!), we are still resting just 2 games behind the first place Scrubbies and 1 behind the now second place Brewers. This ought to make the rest of this season a complete and total NIGHTMARE. I'm tired of hearing about the wild card race already! Anyway, I'm headed back to Iowa this weekend, which means I'll be able to catch a couple more games on TV. (I'm not terribly concerned with seeing any of the people that live there, considering I ran into three different groups of people from my hometown at different times over the weekend. To be honest, it kind of creeped me out.) It would be really special if we could split this series with the Brew Crew and go into the weekend with some momentum. I suppose the good news is that either way, I'll be able to watch those games without having to deal with sweat and sunblock running into my eyes or my legs sticking to the bottom of my seat. See, that's just how I am, people. Always looking on the bright side of things! It's amazing how delusional you can get with the right amount of sun and alcohol poisoning.

Your Mid-Season, All-Star Break Baseballooza!!!

2008-07-15T12:34:00.009-05:00

Good grief, I've been a lazy blogger this summer! Here we are on the day of the All-Star game (i.e. my favorite day of the entire season! Pointless baseball!!! WOOHOO!!!!) and I haven't mentioned my complete disdain for this mid season debacle even ONCE. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anyhow, in the slapdash, haphazard and loosely organized fashion that I've adopted this year, I will attempt to recap the last several weeks. Try to keep up, would ya?

First and most importantly, I'm gearing up for the big annual family trip to St. Louis this weekend. I'm hoping for three things: 1) A decimating humiliation of the San Diego Padres, 2) a decent steak and 3) sub-Amazonian humidity levels. I just can't drink beer efficiently when the back of my legs are sweating.

The Cubs took 2 of 3 from the Redbirds in St. Louis over the 4th of July weekend. I officially stopped speaking to approximately 78% of my friends and almost quit my job.

Much was made about Jim Edmond's comments regarding his new role in Chicago and Tony LaRussa's angry reaction to them. My take? Jimmy is a Cardinal and always will be. He can (and should) say whatever he needs to say to endear himself to the Chicago public while he's here. In the end, I think we all know where his best years were and where his heart is. I will not begrudge him the opportunity to play and it's nice to see he's still got some mojo. That being said, Jim Edmonds can go suck on jet fuel. It is, by default, my obligation to hate him and all that he stands for while wearing that uniform. I don't make the rules, people.

I spent the actual 4th of July holiday up in Milwaukee at Miller Park. If I were to indulge you in the details of that trip, you would more than likely (and probably rightfully) judge me harshly. I therefore spare us all the indignity.

Jason Isringhausen and Chris Perez combined their respective talents this past Saturday and successfully blew a contest against the Pirates. It was both completely appalling and utterly spectacular in its predictability.

The Brewers traded for CC Sabathia and the Cubs acquired Rich Harden. Meanwhile, the Cardinals tried to pretend nothing happened and continued to...OH MY GOD, LOOK OVER THERE!!

Mark Mulder started the July 9th game against the Phillies and threw 16 pitches before his arm fell off, promptly ending his career. WEEEEEEEEEE!!!

So yeah...these are the highlights that come to mind from the last several weeks. Despite the Brew Crew storming ahead of us for a brief spell, the Redbirds are still planted 4.5 back in second place behind the Scrubbies. I'm planning for an action packed weekend down at Busch Stadium, so I hope all of the guys we've got playing in the All-Star Game don't wear themselves out. (Cue crickets...) It's time to start the second half of the season with a bang...and preferably not one from a self inflicted gunshot to the foot. GO CARDS!!!

Free Baseball Is Exhausting

2008-06-24T13:06:00.007-05:00

After beating up on the reigning World Series champions on both Friday and Saturday night, I was in good spirits heading to Fenway Park on Sunday afternoon. My trip to Beantown had been a raging success thus far and although I was obviously hoping for a win, I was in a good enough state of mind that I'd convinced myself I would have the mental fortitude to handle a loss with sublime grace and dignity. The fact that I didn't should come as a surprise to exactly no one. It was one of the most draining games I've ever seen! After jumping out to an early 2 run lead, the BoSox bounced back with the aid of Chris Perez who did his best Jason Isringhausen impression and walked in the go ahead run. I don't think that guy threw a single strike and I'm pretty sure he was in the game for month. At least it felt like it, anyway. Adam Kennedy knocked in the tying run in the ninth and provided new life for the Cardinals, which seemed like a great thing until we'd been sitting at Fenway for 37 hours watching a nailbiter with NO BEER. Rain showers delayed the start time by an hour, which meant they stopped selling the suds early in the 7th. I thought I was going to cry. It should be illegal to make people sit through 13 innings of something that stressful without any sort of sedative. After Chris Duncan was thrown out at home, I think several of my arteries exploded.

Further hampering my docile demeanor was the fact that there were THREE Cubs fans sitting in my section. How on earth is that even possible? I'm about ready to take out a restraining order. Not to mention the fact that I got no fewer than a 100 emails and text messages about Jim Edmonds hitting two home runs in one inning against the White Sox on Saturday. I've really got to find new friends. It's either that or go into witness protection.

ANYWAY...one thing I find interesting is that Adam Kennedy seems to come through with some clutch plays when I'm in attendance. He hit his first and only home run of the year last Saturday when I was down at Busch catching the Phillies game and of course had that heroic RBI on Sunday. Despite both of these instances, I still have zero faith in his hitting abilities whatsoever. I don't know what that means, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels that way. That has to really suck for him.

Another thing I'd like to mention is how impressed I was with the Boston fans. I went into Sunday's game expecting to get heckled and harassed mercilessly and had meager hopes of escaping without getting spit on or thrown at. Boston fans have a reputation for being kind of obnoxious, after all. However, I'm happy to say these people left me alone all day! Less one guy yelling at me that the Cardinals suck, I was able to panic and freak out in relative solitude. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is because these fans are so obsessed with all things Red Sox that it's entirely possible they didn't even know there was another team on the field. It's very difficult to say. The only thing I know for sure is that there were some prime opportunities for them to exploit my embarrassment and make fun of me and my Ankiel T-shirt, but they didn't take them. Not even when he fell on his ass in center field after overrunning a Coco Crisp fly ball. I'm starting to wonder if we were even watching the same game.

Anyway, I was heckled well and good by some of my friends in Southie after the game, but by then I was hooked up to a Tangueray and tonic IV and couldn't be bothered to put up much of a fight. Frankly, after being treated to four free innings of baseball I was exhausted. They could have started poking me with a stick and I probably wouldn't have noticed. These types of situations are just too much for a delicate little flower like myself!

No One Is Safe!

2008-06-12T15:18:00.005-05:00

I'm starting to think I might be a jinx on poor Alfonso Soriano. I was there to see him sustain both of the injuries that have put him on the DL this year. First was the leg injury he incurred while doing that little hoppity bop thing he does after making a catch and last night I saw him get drilled by a pitch that broke his finger. Yeesh. It was kind of a shooting gallery at Wrigley Field last night anyway, as fly balls ricocheted into the stands all night at incredible rates of speed. Mr. Sucky Dome actually drilled some guy in the side of the head sitting about fifteen rows behind home plate on the third base side. I'll tell you, I was happy to escape the night unconcussed! Adding insult to injury, (pun intended because I'm cheeky!) the Cubs beat up on the Braves and won 7-2, improving their home record this year to 27-8. That's just disgusting. I mean, if I have to hear "Go, Cubs, Go" one more time, I think I'm going to rip off my ears and fill them with concrete.

ANYWAY...over in Cardinal Land, things are equally as interesting. Despite whooping up on the Cincinnati Reds last night in a 10-0 assault, one can't help but sob uncontrollably and curl into the fetal position over the news that Albert Pujols is going to be out for at least three weeks with a calf strain. WHY GOD, WHY??? With all of our best players on the DL, I'm surprised I haven't had a complete mental breakdown. That certainly wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility, although we've actually still been playing well enough that I've resisted the urge to skip rope with a downed power line. We'll see how long that lasts in Pujols' prolonged absence. Things seemed to go well enough last night with Chris Duncan getting the call up to fill in for Big Al and Braden Looper pitching out of his mind, but we shall see. You know how I feel about optimism! Joel Pineiro is getting the nod today for the finale against Cincinnati and it ought to be interesting considering I don't think anyone actually believes he's healthy.

With that said, it looks like the next month is going to be just one big giant mystery. Will the Redbirds be able to stay on track and put the pressure on Chicago? Will Ankiel, Ludwick and Glaus be enough power to compensate for Pujols' injury? Will I recognize anyone in the rotation by July? I have no clue. What do I look like, a fortune teller? I'm guessing Professor Plum, in the library with a candlestick. That seems just as reasonable as anything else at this point.

Now, Where Were We?

2008-06-11T11:01:00.010-05:00

Hello, friends! As hard as it is to believe, it has been almost a month since my last post. Where o' where does the time go? It seems strange that the hot summer days are upon us and the 4th of July is only a few weeks away. I suppose that's getting old for you. Time flies and you always find yourself talking about the weather. Anyway, there has obviously been much to discuss in my absence. The Cardinals have continued their early season pattern of not making me want to chew on sandpaper and now rest a respectable 2.5 games out of first place. Considering the Chicago Scrubbies have been literally unstoppable this season, that is no small feat.

To recap the past several weeks, in no particular order:

1. Albert Pujols injured two players in the same inning on freak plays. By crushing the pitcher's face and twisting the catcher's ankle in ways it isn't supposed to go, Pujols managed to single-handedly dismantle the already beleaguered Padres. I have a sneaking suspicion that might haunt his dreams for awhile.

2. Carlos Zambrano beat up a water cooler. I cannot make this stuff up, people. I saw him break a bat over his leg earlier this year, but my LORD, this just took the cake. The best part of the whole ordeal was just how painfully AWKWARD it was. The cooler was very clearly still full and Big Z was enormously unsuccessful at gracefully throwing the cumbersome and unwieldy vessel. It didn't come across as aggressive and fiery as much as it seemed...well, wobbly. I haven't laughed that hard since the Cubs got knocked out of the 2007 playoffs.

3. Joel Pineiro and Adam Wainwright went on the DL. People that I'm not familiar with and who are presumably gifted at throwing baseballs then joined the rotation. I have not yet bothered to learn their names, as I'm sure they'll be injured or sent down to the minors before they become even remotely relevant. What with all the drinking I've already done this season, I've got to conserve brain cells, you see.

4. I ventured out to a Cubs game in May and was fortunate enough to sit in fancy front row CBOE seats. After trying unsuccessfully to distract Alfonso Soriano and Reed Johnson with my blinding white skin, I was rewarded with two Soriano home runs and a lobster-red hairline.

5. The very next day, I finally saw my first Cubs loss of the season against the Pirates on a sunny Saturday afternoon in the bleachers. Despite multiple applications of sunblock, I came away with crimson arms to match my forehead. I also left bitter after having to see Alfonso Soriano hit four home runs in two days.

Despite the Cubs being incredibly irritating, (leading the majors? Don't you think that's a WEE BIT over the top?) I'm excited for the rest of the summer. I have all sorts of baseball related adventures planned, starting tonight with a work event at a suite in Wrigley. Then this Saturday I'm headed to St. Louis with three college pals to see the Phillies game. Even though the people I'm going with are all Cubs fans, I'm confident that will be cancelled out by the 43,000 Cardinals fans surrounding us. Then NEXT weekend, I've leveraged my life savings in order to head out for a Saturday afternoon St. Louis vs. BoSox game at Fenway. This will be followed promptly by a 4th of July trip up to Milwaukee where I'll make my first visit to Miller Park for a Pirates/Brewers contest. With my annual family trip to St. Louis in July and another family field trip to an August Cards vs. Cubs game at Wrigley, I'm in for a whole bunch of hot dogs and beer over the course of the summer. Tragic, isn't it? The pity party for me officially starts....NOW.

Please Tell Me This Is Just A Bad Dream

2008-05-15T15:40:00.007-05:00

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the Chicago Cubs have picked up Jim Edmonds. He is at Wrigley Field right now. Playing baseball. FOR THE CUBS. I know this has been rumored for a few days and I'm certainly not the first to say it, but DAMMIT, this just isn't right! Under no circumstances is it okay for Jim Edmonds to wear a Cubs jersey. This just upsets the natural order of things and I'll be honest...I'm not happy about it. (I know, isn't it shocking?) Ironically, I'm not sure who this bothers most: Cardinal fans or Cubs fans. From what I understand, Jimmy E isn't particularly popular in Wrigleyville. Upon mentioning his name, most of the Cubs fans I know usually spout off some variation of "Edmonds is a showboating, injury prone, excessively cocky jerkface that wears guyliner." My favorite anecdote comes from one such Cubs fan who watched Edmonds play in an afternoon game at Wrigley. In response to incessant taunting from the bleacher monkeys, Edmonds flipped up his middle finger and held it behind his back. And then at his next at-bat, he hit a homerun. I LOVE that story. I just cannot believe he's now going to be playing for these idiots. And instead of hating him, they're going to be cheering for him. I've already gotten an email from one friend today saying, "Edmonds is in center field right now. He got a hit too and is 1 for 3. I really don’t mind him and kind of like the way he goes about playing the game." Huh??? No you don't, you big liar! A week ago you called to goad me about the Padres releasing him! Until this moment, you hated him more than any other human that's ever played in the NL Central! Jim Edmonds is 100% vintage Cardinal. Like Carlos Zambrano for the Cubs, he epitomizes everything that Chicago fans hate about their St. Louis rivals and represents a quintessential part of that rivalry's history. It's agonizing that he is now going to be used against us by our most loathsome enemy. Next to the Cardinals signing Big Z Ball Scratcher himself, it's simply the most backwards acquisition I could conceivably imagine. Next thing you know, he and Zambrano are going to put aside their long and documented history of mutual detestation and become car pool buddies. (Assuming Zambrano doesn't actually EAT him before then.) Then I really won't know what to do with myself. It's physically painful to think about.

I guess the only good news is that Jimmy has not been playing well AT ALL this year. Plus, he's getting up there in the age department and has had approximately 93 concussions over the course of his career. He's not quite as sharp as he once was, let's just put it that way. He'll be injured or slumping before we know it and then Cubs fans can go back to hating him like they're supposed to.

It's About Damn Time

2008-05-12T14:36:00.012-05:00

As a result of his complete inability to stop colossally screwing everything up, Jason Isringhausen has finally and MERCIFULLY been yanked as the Cardinal's closer. This man has been giving me stress induced asthma attacks for years now and it would be difficult for me to pinpoint a time that I didn't believe that even the games he DOES save aren't total freak accidents. I have not once felt comfortable with him coming onto the mound, particularly in a close game. My mom will actually leave the room when he comes in, as the tension emanating from my dad and me is absolutely palpable. No lead is big enough going into the ninth inning when you know Izzy is going to be responsible for maintaining it. Which is too bad, really. He does, after all, lead the National League with 11 saves this year. However, he's also tied for the most BLOWN saves in the NL with 5. Brand new and shocking information this is NOT. The poor guy just cannot help himself from giving up game winning runs of any and every variety. Maybe I just don't appreciate the subtle nuances of his pitching style. Maybe in some alternate "Isringhausen Universe" it is somehow strategically favorable to avoid a one-two-three inning. But I doubt it.

Tony LaRussa is calling this a "mental break." Whatever, you say, dude. I mean, no one within the Cardinals organization can really just come out and say that Isringhausen sucks at his job, but that doesn't mean I don't fervently believe this to be true. There is not one single player on the entire Cardinals roster that has caused me to clutch my head in my hands and make the guttural sound of a moose suffering from severe food poisoning more frequently than him. He has forced me to say a LOT of swear words over the last several seasons. A LOT of swear words. Perhaps this little respite of his will allow me to expand my vocabulary to include rhetoric that WON'T get me kicked out of public places or threatened with jail time.

We're Winners!!!

2008-05-06T12:17:00.010-05:00

Over the last several weeks it has become glaringly obvious that the quality of my posts are inversely related to how well the Cardinals are playing. Without the proper inspiration to formulate new and creative ways to kill myself, this blog lacks the pizazz and sassiness I'm just SURE it's known for. Some of that "je ne sais quoi", if you will. This is to say that when the Cardinals are winning, it puts me in such a good mood that I don't even feel the need to make fun of Carlos Zambrano. (And let's get serious. I mine a LOT of content out of that shitbag.) What am I supposed to write about all summer if things keep going like this? I'm starting to get nervous that my stylized homerism is being rendered obsolete, as my creative brain matter only functions when I'm pissed off and borderline psychopathic. What on earth can I talk about with any kind of conviction when it's all unicorns and rainbows in Cardinal Land? At 21-12 the Birds are in first place with a 2.5 game lead over the Scrubbies, who they took 2 of 3 from over the weekend. After Albert Pujols blazed around the base paths last night to score the winning run in the ninth against the Rockies, I'm really getting concerned. It's almost like these guys actually ENJOY winning baseball contests. Where in god's name did this come from?

Anyway, while this has obviously been a fun and fantastic start to the season for Cardinal fans, the natural pessimist in me can't help but brace myself for a mid/late summer implosion. Winning sure is fun, but when the season lasts for what feels like 19 centuries, one can never get too comfortable. It's a little something I like to call "Defensive Fandom". Plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to become a raging alcoholic in the process. So while I obviously cheer for the Cardinals to continue their success, I think I'd better go stab myself in the leg with a letter opener just to remember what it feels like. You just never know when we might offer a contract to someone like Kip Wells or Mike Maroth. It's best to already be appropriately disgruntled.

Testy, Testy

2008-04-28T12:58:00.008-05:00

I don't know what everyone is so crabby about, but it looks like the Redbirds and Astros just cannot get along. The benches cleared on both Saturday and Sunday, further escalating heightened tensions between the two teams that stem from an April 8th incident in which Albert Pujols made an aggressive slide into catcher J.R. Towles. Despite Pujols issuing a personal apology to Towles, he and pitcher Brandon Backe exchanged words the following day, presumably setting the stage for this weekend's profusion of aggression. Saturday's fracas began when Adam Wainwright flung a pitch behind Houston's Brad Ausmus. Seeing this as payback for Roy Oswalt hitting Jason LaRue with a pitch a half inning earlier, all hell broke loose. Then on Sunday, a high pitch from Brandon Backe caused Yadier Molina's temper to boil over. Players spilled out from both dugouts as he exchanged words with Backe and headed towards the mound. The argument quickly dissolved and play resumed, although Molina was still angry about the situation after the game and offered no apology for his reaction. From MLB.com:

"I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't expecting that pitch that close, right in my face. If you're going to try to hit somebody, you've got to do it in the body. You can't throw it in the head. That's not professional. That's not baseball. That's not human."

Yeesh. Mr. Molina does not appear to be in a very forgiving state of mind, which leads me to believe that we may not have seen the end of this St. Louis vs. Houston conflict. Call me crazy, but I don't think Enya and a bubble bath are going to resolve these hard feelings. However, based on the outcome of those two games, a general sense of animosity does not appear to be a problem for the Cardinals. In fact, these guys seem to feed off of it. These are certainly not the only instances in recent memory where anger has been a motivating factor for Pujols & Company. That said, the Cardinals took the series 2-1 and are 16-10 heading into tonight's home game against Bronson Arroyo and the Cincinnati Reds. I'm personally hoping Adam Dunn pees in Molina's locker.

I Believe This is Reckless Endangerment

2008-04-23T11:42:00.009-05:00

Is Milwaukee the only team we play this summer? For crying out loud, I think we've already faced them 27 times this year. What's worse is that I think they're finally catching on to us, because like last Thursday's game, the Brewers were able to squeak one out and away from us yesterday afternoon. It took them 12 innings to do it this time around, but the end result was the same: a big ol' disappointing loss for the Cardinals. Despite a late inning rally that tied things up in the ninth, the Redbirds couldn't get anything going again in extra innings and fell 9-8.

Per MLB.com,

"Eight runs and nine innings weren't enough for the Cardinals on Tuesday.
Neither were three middle infielders. And remarkably, 13 pitchers almost didn't
cover it, either. Four hours and 28 minutes of baseball culminated in Gabe
Kapler's one-out RBI single in the 12th inning, ending a bizarre game as the
Cardinals lost to the Brewers, 9-8, at Miller Park. Seven Cardinals and eight
Brewers pitched, Albert Pujols made an appearance at second base and the
Cardinals left a staggering 16 runners on base. "

Good grief. The only way this could have been more of a circus is if they'd brought in some dancing bears in funny hats or shot a guy out of a cannon. Reading the entire game summary, you get the feeling that NOBODY on that field had any clue what was going on. I would imagine it looked a lot like that scene in Armageddon where meteors are falling all over New York City and people are running screaming everywhere as cars explode and the top of the Chrysler building falls off. With baseballs and human bodies flying every which way (Albert played second? HUH???), it sounds like it was a sloptastic orgy of loosely organized chaos. So even though neither bullpen showed any functional utility as members of professional baseball teams, it's nice to know that any of these guys would make wonderful antagonists in the next Michael Bay movie.

Oh, Crap

2008-04-17T15:36:00.011-05:00

I should know better than to go blabbering on about how excited I am over Redbird success. It is very obviously a hex of some kind.

After tying it up in the 8th, Prince Fielder just hit a two run shot off of Little Brad in the 10th and the Brewers have taken a 5-3 lead.

Siiiiiigh.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand that's a final. Fortunately, happy hour is only sixty minutes away.

So, wait...WHAT?

2008-04-17T13:29:00.006-05:00

Holy crap. Holy FREAKING crap. As I write this, the St. Louis Cardinals are leading the Milwaukee Brewers 3-0 going into the 8th inning of the last in this three game series. Of which they've won the previous two. Deductive reasoning therefore suggests that the Cardinals are on their way towards sweeping the Brewers. Adding to that, the Birds were 11-4 going into this game and tied with Arizona for the best current record in major league baseball. I'm not even sure how to properly process this information. Am I dead?

Some highlights: Wainwright pitched 7 2/3 innings last night, giving up two runs on five hits in a 5-4 win. He also hit a solo home run and a single. He is apparently awesome at everything. Also, Ricky Ankiel forced a 1st inning, 17 pitch plate appearance into a walk. SEVENTEEN PITCHES. That is, I believe, a pretty solid at-bat. It should therefore be noted that he is ALSO awesome. Then, the Cardinals extended their collective awesomeness into Tuesday with a 6-1 win. According to the MLB.com recap, "The Cardinals won with 12 hits, 11 of them singles, from eight different players. Seven different Redbirds either scored a run, drove one in, or both." Also, even though Braden Looper gave up five walks, he only allowed a single run. So even when he kind of sucks, he is STILL awesome.

In summary, to my complete and utter surprise, the Cardinals are winning lots of baseball games. I did not see this coming. However, in case I have not made it abundantly clear, this is...well, AWESOME.

Now THIS Is More Like It

2008-04-14T11:35:00.008-05:00

Well you just KNEW something like this was going to happen. Things were going far too smoothly for there not to be some kind of mild catastrophe. Giving us a glimpse of the massacre that WAS the 2007 season, Joel Pineiro returned from the DL last night and promptly started to suck terribly. I think some of the Giants lineup actually started batting blindfolded just to make things interesting. After 3 2/3 agonizing innings, he had given up 10 hits (4 of which were extra base) and 6 runs. Welcome back, Joel!!!! Little Brad Thompson stopped riding his Big Wheel around the bullpen long enough to come in and stop the bleeding. He pitched 2 1/3 scoreless innings, which at least gave Cardinals fans the illusion that the Birds were back in it. They weren't, of course, and ended up losing 7-4. Oh misery, how I've missed you!

It should be noted that the Cards actually ended up splitting the series with the Giants and ended up playing one of the more entertaining games this season on Saturday afternoon. After coming back from an early 5 run deficit, Jason Isringhausen managed to cough up a 7-5 lead in the bottom of the ninth, reminding me of how he sometimes makes me want to swallow my own arm. Enter the previously slumping Chris Duncan, who graciously smacked in what would be the game winning run in the 10th and made it possible for me to avoid guzzling a gallon of unleaded. After Albert Pujols' 4 RBI trouncing of Barry Zito on Friday night, I really can't complain much. The Cards are still 9-4 and a half game ahead of the Brewers to lead the division. But honestly, it just doesn't feel right if I'm not complaining about SOMETHING.

This is Sort of Fun

2008-04-10T09:56:00.004-05:00

Good grief, what's with all this WINNING? The Cardinals are alone in first place for the first time since the end of the 2006 season. And this team is supposed to be ABYSMAL. I'm so confused I don't even know what to do with myself.

Even more bizarre, is that EVERYONE appears to be contributing. The starting rotation isn't giving up 37 runs a game and the relief corp (including Anthony Reyes, who had another strong day yesterday) is doing a solid job of holding off the late inning surges. Ricky Ankiel leads the team with 3 homers and 8 RBIs this year, although Mr. Albert Pujols lit up last night with two homeruns against the Astros and will no doubt continue to carve a path of destruction through the rest of the season as long as he can stay healthy. Meanwhile, Troy Glaus, Yadier Molina, Ryan Ludwick and even Adam Kennedy are consistent threats at the plate. These guys have combined for 28 hits and 18 RBIs with the entire team collaborating to outscore their opponents 39-25. After nine games, the Redbirds have won seven and taken all three series.

You know...I'm rather enjoying this. I was completely unprepared for such early season satisfaction. What on earth do I do with all of this leftover sarcasm and bitterness? God knows I can't just start going around being nice to people.

Little Brad Is All Growed Up

2008-04-04T09:41:00.006-06:00

I'm not quite sure what to make of Brad Thompson. I mean, it's really hard to take a pitcher seriously when he looks like he probably spends his weekends watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and picking on his eight year old sister. Anytime he plays well, I find myself utterly shell shocked. And when he doesn't, I just hope that the media is nice to him. (Leave the kid alone! He's so fragile and innocent!) I know this isn't fair. He is, after all, a fully grown man that has been successful enough thus far to justify his place in the starting rotation of a major league baseball team. But still. That youthful face belies his abilities, which now that I think about it, isn't such a bad thing. Maybe, like Braden Looper was last season, Little Brad Thompson will be a surprise weapon. After pitching 6 2/3 shutout innings against the defending National League Champions yesterday afternoon, he appears to be a surprisingly consistent and potentially dominant part of our rotation. At no point did he make me nervous or cause an increase in my heart rate. I'm telling you, I could get used to that.

Someone else that surprised me in yesterday's game was Anthony Reyes. First of all, he came in relief of Little Brad and struck out the first and only three batters he faced. Second of all, he came in relief of Little Brad. Since when is he in the bullpen? Apparently I need to keep a closer eye on our roster. Anyway, I don't know how that will work out in the long run, but it appeared to be an effective move yesterday. Honestly, it was just nice to see him pitch well, period. That should do wonders for his confidence. That flat-billed cap and goofy socks? Not so much.

Offensively, it was just more of what we've seen the past few days. By which I mean, Rick Ankiel and Troy Glaus consecutively finagling their way on base and tacking on back-to-back RBIs. Little Brad knocked in that very last run (his first RBI of the year), which probably made this the best day of his life, second only to the time he ramped over that really big pile of dirt on his Huffy and then bought a cherry dip cone with extra sprinkles. Which I think was actually on Monday.

And So It Begins...

2008-04-02T09:17:00.010-06:00

So, Opening Day has come and gone (and come and gone again) resulting in an inaugural St. Louis loss for the second year in a row. If we're taking that as an indicator of what's to come this season, we are in for a looooong year. Being the eternal optimist that I am, however, I choose to ignorantly believe that it's only going to be slightly more depressing then an episode of that show Intervention. (Which, by the way, is absolute NIGHTMARE FUEL. Why would I EVER want to see homeless people inject themselves with heroin?) What looked so very promising on Monday quickly evaporated when a monsoon blew through and washed away our 4 run lead, a Pujols homerun and 2 Ankiel RBIs. An almost certain win courtesy of Adam Wainwright was wiped from the books after three innings and postponed until last night. Then, despite seven shutout innings from Kyle Lohse, our lineup could not overcome the pitching legend that IS Kip Wells. He inexplicably allowed only one run off of a Yadier Molina homerun, beginning what is sure to be another season of him runing my life. And he doesn't even play for us anymore. ARRRGH!! ANYWAY, moving on... the bullpen then helpfully coughed up two runs in the eighth, which was in typical Cardinals fashion, the only offensive output our opponent needed to put our first notch in the L column. Oh, I know. I couldn't believe it either.

I was also disappointed that I didn't get to see the Zambrano Explosion on Monday. That big smug ass only gave up 3 hits and a single walk in his 6 2/3 innings before Kerry Wood came in and rendered that performance GLORIOUSLY irrelevant by choking up three runs in the 9th. That Kosuke Fukudome guy (who will from this point forward be referred to as Sucky Dome in an attempt to resist using a more obvious expletive based nickname. I'm mature!) made things exciting as he launched an Eric Gagne delight into the bleachers to tie it up in the bottom of the ninth. The game ended on a 10th inning Tony Gwynn, Jr. sac fly, which considered collectively is, I admit, almost as pleasing as the Zambrano Explosion itself. It's going to be the small things this year, people.

Let's Play Catch...Up

2008-03-30T17:18:00.001-06:00

It's been over six months now since my last post, so I figured it might do me some good to work off a little rust before Opening Day and comment on some of the significant happenings of the fall and winter months. It's never to early to tune up the sarcasm and cynicism! God knows, I'm going to need a lot of that (and vodka) to get through the 2008 season.

1. For starters, the Cardinals of St. Louis bid farewell to 2006 World Series MVP David Eckstein. I knew this was coming, but it still made me a little sad if for no other reason then he was my Mom's favorite Cardinal player. (He reminds her of her grandson. Awwwww!!!!)

2. So Taguchi hit the road. He also has special familial significance because it was a foul ball off of his bat last summer that permanently disfigured my sister's back. She and I even have T-shirts commemorating the event because we're JUST that cool.

3. Aaron Miles also left. And came back. So...yeah. There's that.

4. Jimmy Edmonds went home to Southern Cal to finish out the last year of his career. I am personally hoping to get my annual St. Louis trip planned around his trip back to Busch Stadium in June. I imagine he'll get one hell of an ovation.

5. We acquired two former Scrubbies in the form of Cesar Izturis and Matt Clement. Oh boy, here we go. I somehow don't see this ending well for me.

6. The Mitchell Report implicated former Cardinals Fernando Vina and Gary Bennet along with current players Ryan Franklin and Rick Ankiel. If you haven't already read enough about this damn report, I urge you to seek therapy. Immediately.

7. The City of Chicago approved a request to renovate Wrigley Field, adding additional seating and signage. Thank god. There weren't nearly enough assholes at those games as it was.

8. Roger Clemens lied about stuff and got mad at Andy Pettite. Again, if you haven't seen enough coverage of this, you need help. Or perhaps someone capable of throwing you down a flight of stairs.

9. Chicago Cubs signed some Japanese player with a name that is borderline pornographic. I truly have no idea how it is properly pronounced, but I promise you, I will enjoy saying it incorrectly ALL SUMMER LONG.

10. Scottie Rolen was traded to Toronto. You know, I'm really going to miss that Limp Bizkit tune.

11. Mark Prior bolts Chicago for San Diego. Hopefully he didn't break a nail on his way there.

12. Kip Wells disappears from the St. Louis roster and interestingly enough, I feel no sadness or gaping empty void in my soul. I know, isn't it SHOCKING?

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to the new season and seeing how well our young little team will fare. (Editors note: Probably not very.) I'll more than likely want to rip off my own arm and beat myself to death with it by June, but what's spring good for without a little unjustified optimism?

It's Lights Out At Busch Stadium

2007-09-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

After last night's bittersweet victory, I'd be happy not winning another game this season. (And let's face it folks, there's a chance we won't.) Even though it technically didn't have any value, it was poetic to have the very last home game of the season play out the way it did. By the time the Cardinals return from their seven day, seven game road trip to end the year, the divisional and wild card races will have been decided and the sporting world will have all but forgotten the wacky, bi-polar and ultimately disappointing 2007 Redbirds. However, weary fans will have one last happy memory to cling to in the long months leading up to spring training. Last night after Jason Isringhausen gave up a two run homerun in the top of the ninth to break a 1-1 tie, Miguel Cairo, Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel and Brad Lidge combined to help the Cardinals come back in the bottom of the frame for an unlikely 4-3 win over the Astros. After Cairo singled and Ryan Ludwick walked, Pujols pinch hit in place of David Eckstein and cracked a high pitch against the wall in left-center for his 99th RBI of the season. Then Rick Ankiel stepped to the plate, fought himself out of a jam and skipped a shot along the first base line, which brought in Ludwick and pinch runner Brian Barden. (I don't know who that Barden guy is, but he tore around the bases like he was being chased by wolves.) It was ruled a 2 RBI triple. End of game. Like I said, a beautiful way to close out the year at Busch. (Although I'm pretty sure Brad Lidge disagrees, poor guy.) After the tumultuous 2007 season, both the players and the fans deserved it. A happy taste is left in our collective mouths as we enter the long offseason and begin looking forward to a new and promising blank slate.

Anyhow, it's nearing the end of what has turned out to be a wild ride. Heck, I don't even know if I'll post again before the year closes on Sunday. I can't imagine anything noteworthy happening, considering none of the upcoming games really matter much. So what does that mean for this little blog? It's difficult to say. I imagine I'll check in from time to time in the offseason to ruminate over the coming year, comment on significant trades and personnel shifts and whine about it actually NOT being baseball season. Aside from that, who knows. I suppose anything is possible! No matter what goes down, I'm already looking forward to spring, the fresh season and all of the new material that will provide. In the meantime, enjoy the playoffs everybody. It's looking more and more likely that my worst fears will be realized and the Cubs will take the division. (It's perverted, but I'm kind of hoping we lose to the Brewers over the next three days. Imagining the Cubs in the postseason is nightmare fuel.) At any rate, I'm sure I'll stop by to express my displeasure/delight over how they fare. Thanks for your patronage this summer, friends, and please be sure to tip your waitress.

Wait For It, Wait For It....UGH

2007-09-18T21:38:00.001-05:00

For the love of all things holy, is this seriously how things are going to be for the rest of the year? Can we please TRY to win a game every once in a while??? It really isn't funny anymore. It has gotten to the point where I either completely expect it or really don't give a damn. The only difference between now and all the games played earlier this season is my complete and utter indifference. For me, baseball season has been over for a week now. There are way too many infinitely more interesting things going in sports for me to be suicidal about a team that is going to be rendered completely irrelevant in a couple of weeks. Sadly, I write a blog about Cardinal baseball. Someone should have warned me about this.

Does anyone care about specifics? I highly doubt it, but here it goes. After chipping away at an 11-0 deficit, the Redbirds managed to come back and lose 13-11 to the Phillies last night. This was all courtesy of...huh?...wait for it...Brad Thompson? To be fair, he was only dinged for three earned runs in 3 1/3 innings. Hell, I didn't even know he played for us anymore. Ironically, Mike Maroth came in for three quick outs in the sixth, his first 1-2-3- outing since July 27th. Chalk this up to another shoulda, woulda, coulda day at the ballpark for our friendly St. Louis Cardinals. For those keeping track at home, that's 11 losses out of our last 12 tries. Christ. Is it too late to be a Padres fan?

PS: Despite everything else, the Zambrano Implosion is always amusing. See? Baseball can still be fun!

Breaking News: We May Not Be Terrific At Baseball

2007-09-16T21:01:00.000-05:00

I gotta tell you, I had a pretty rough weekend. Watching the Cardinals struggle yet again against the Cubs made me physically ill. I'm not exaggerating. Friday night appeared as though it was going to get interesting there in the ninth inning, yet naturally ended anticlimactically for me. This in turn caused me to do the whole "screw it, I don't even care" beer binge. Several hours later, I was wandering home trying not to run face first into scaffolding or fall in front of moving cars. Saturday, I was forced to leave the bar with a tension headache after simultaneously watching the Iowa Hawkeyes get kicked in the crotch by Iowa State and the Cardinals get gobbled alive by Alfonso Soriano. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I was out with three Iowa State Cyclone/Chicago Cubs fans. The good news is, I was at a bar that supports the University of Iowa, so I was in sympathetic company. (There were even a few Redbird fans circulating around.) Also, the aforementioned Clone/Scrubs fans are genuinely nice guys. They are also very wise, as they allowed me plenty of postgame time to pout and behave like my father. One was even so kind as to buy me a drink as a peace offering. Unfortunately, none of their kindnesses helped get rid of my throbbing headache and I was home and in bed at 5:30. Sometimes I really, really hate sports. Did this stop me from rising this morning to take in an entire day of NFL goodness? Of course not. Tom Brady isn't going to ogle at himself, people. Plus, seeing as though Rex Grossman is the laughingstock of the Chicago media, SOMEONE needed to cheer the guy along. (For the record, he wasn't TOTALLY awful today.)

Anyway, I digress. The Cardinals lost again today behind another disastrous effort by Mark Mulder, who couldn't even make it out of the third inning. I'm not kidding. Every time I go to the Cardinals web site to check scores or investigate coming match-ups, I have the same reaction. Inevitably, the headline is "_____ is on the mound today to try and break Cardinal's skid." To which I mutter, "Maroth? Are you kidding me? Yeah right." Cue another loss. Next day, "Pineiro?? Okay, sure. In my dreams." Cue another loss. Next day, "Mulder??? Is this a freaking joke? No way!!" Cue another loss. Next day, "Kip Wells????? Just STAB ME IN THE THROAT ALREADY!!!!" Cue, yet another, Cardinal loss. By the time we get back around to Wainwright or Looper I'm so close to hysterics I can't even focus anymore. I'm starting to wonder why I do this to myself on purpose. Mediocrity is depressing.

So, now what? I guess despite the grim prognosis, we as St. Louis baseball fans soldier on. The season isn't over yet, unfortunately. I bet good ol' Kippy Wells has another couple of EXPLOSIVE starts in his immediate future. WEEEEE!!!! Thank GOD football is back. It's a lot more exciting to have multiple reasons for random violent and psychotic outbursts. At the very least it'll make the coroner's job a lot more interesting when they try to figure out exactly WHY I jumped off that really tall building.

We Came, We Laughed, We Cried, We Cried Harder

2007-09-14T12:48:00.000-05:00

Well folks, there you have it. I really thought that this current losing skid had to stop at some point and that maybe somewhere along the way I'd have something inspiring to say about keeping our chins up, soldiering on, staying the course and maybe, oh I don't know, not SUCKING anymore. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened yet and I could no longer in good faith continue to ignore the stretch and the glaring possibility that it may not end.

In the wake of the whole Rick Ankiel/HGH scandal, the St. Louis Cardinals have lost seven straight games, while previously unstoppable Ankiel has gone an embarrassingly anemic 1 for 23. The Birds have slumped to five games out of first place. And that dazzling rise above .500? Yeah, much like the season, that's history as well as we've sunken to six games under.

So my question here is, WHAT THE @#$! happened? (Obviously aside from the starting rotation returning to shiteous form. Christ. What's wrong with these guys?) I mean, I'm not a total idiot. I had no grand illusions that we wouldn't eventually face plant and knock ourselves into obscurity. The big race to see who isn't the biggest loser in the NL Central is and has been a joke all along. Had we won that illustrious prize it would have proved nothing except that, hey, even ridiculously crappy teams can go to the playoffs! Even through our hot streak in August it at no point really seemed like we were a well conditioned machine clicking along efficiently at a calm, controlled and steady pace. No, it seemed much more like a drunk guy at a shooting range. The bullets were squeezing out quickly, furiously and erratically, yet inexplicably they were hitting the target more often then not. There was no logic or skill to it. We are not and have not been a good baseball team all season. Still, it's disappointing to go out like this, just as I predicted we would, in the shadow of the Ankiel allegations. It really was the final straw for a beaten and battered Cardinal Nation. Players, management and fans alike pretty well threw up their hands and said, "screw it, this ain't worth it. We suck, man." I'd hoped I was wrong and that the media storm wouldn't get inside Ankiel's fragile psyche. Obviously, one thing he's not developed in his incredible comeback is thick skin. Hell, he's so sensitive to criticism I swear that one "your mama's so fat" joke and this guy'd be curled up in the dugout sucking his thumb. I realize I have a tendency towards the dramatic, but I think that in this case it's warranted. I really don't envision us rebounding from this. In fact, at this point I'm not even sure I want us to. I've had enough heartache this summer (mixed, I suppose, with just enough pleasure to keep me from weeping openly,) that I'm almost happy to pack it in for the year. Who knows, though. Maybe it's all just a giant coincidence. Maybe we're just going through another slump and it has nothing to do with Ankiel. Maybe we've still got a late season spark left in us that'll at the very least allow us to go out on a high note. But somehow I doubt it.

So in that spirit, GO MILWAUKEE!! I mean, someone's got to win this division, right?

Et Tu, Ankiel?

2007-09-07T10:38:00.000-05:00

I got up this morning in a pretty damn good mood. Despite some recent setbacks, the Cardinals have still managed to fight and claw their way within one game of the tied-for-first-place Brewers and Cubs. When I went to bed last night, Carlos Zambrano had been exposed as a universal jackoff, Ryan Dempster had blown a crucial save against the Dodgers and Rick Ankiel had smoked two homeruns for 7 RBI's to lead the Cardinals to a 16-4 beatdown of the Pirates. Everything was peaceful and right with the world.

Then I woke up this morning to the New York Daily News article. I am unequivocally and painfully STUNNED. Coming the morning after what was arguably his greatest game to date, it has been revealed that the St. Louis Cardinals' comeback kid has been implicated in the use of performance enhancing drug HGH. Talk about BUZZ KILL. I feel like I just got punched in the stomach. Even without knowing the validity or relevance of the accusations, I can't help but be supremely disappointed. The proverbial bubble has been burst, the illusion of innocence shattered. If the allegations are true, it doesn't matter if he stopped taking the drugs before the 2005 ban went into place. It still changes everything because his unbelievable story is going to be permanently viewed with suspicion anyway. There are a lot of people talking about the development this morning, all of them more articulately then me. See here, here and here.

My personal take? Siiiiigh. I don't know. I'm not sure I'm over the initial shock and horror of it all just yet. In a season plagued by ugliness, from Tony LaRussa's DUI, to Josh Hancock's death, to the serious injuries eliminating Chris Carpenter, Josh Kinney, Preston Wilson and Scott Rolen, to less serious injuries sustained over the course of the year by Yadier Molina, David Eckstein, Jim Edmonds and Mike Maroth, to Scott Spiezio's undisclosed substance abuse problem, to Juan Encarnacion's potential career ending eye injury and then finally to just a general rash of bad pitching, weak hitting and sloppy play, THIS is the real heartbreaker. It is especially and arguably the MOST devastating, because it has been DESPITE these other things that the team has rallied around Ankiel's triumphant return and played well enough and hard enough to muscle themselves back into the pennant race. To find out his astounding return to MLB success was at any point aided by the use of illegal drugs completely takes the magic out of things and makes it seem less like a Disney-ready movie and more like another inevitable fall from grace that is all too common now among professional athletes. Obviously, I'm hoping his use was only temporary and extended only so far as that years worth prescribed to him in 2004. I'm hoping that the feats he's accomplished this year are unblemished by performance enhancers and that his brush with the underbelly of professional sports lasted only so long as his recovery from Tommy John surgery. I'm hoping that once the ban was placed in 2005 that he walked away and has been clean ever since. Yet what if all of that is true? What if he truly hasn't used HGH since then and has achieved his current degree of success due only to hard work and perseverance? Do the allegations then make "The Natural" any less of a phenomenon? In theory, no, of course not. However, in the court of public opinion people are always going to wonder and the more cynical are always going to assume his guilt. Unfortunately, Ankiel has no real way of proving it one way or another and he'll probably always bear the scarlet letter that so many contemporary and historical greats are saddled with. It was the perceived pureness of his improbable and unlikely story that made baseball fans believe that miracles can happen and underdogs can succeed. He was a wholesome reminder that goodness can and does occasionally prevail in major league baseball. I fear that no matter how this all pans out, his accomplishments will forever be linked to this alleged dark spot in his history. That makes me unbearably sad.

It would make me feel a lot better to hear Rick Ankiel himself publicly address and clarify the claims. Cardinal fans, hell baseball fans in general, need to hear what he has to say. After all, Ankiel's story doesn't just pertain to St. Louis fans anymore. We ALL deserve to hear his side of the story and frankly, he deserves to tell it. As we head into a pivotal series against the Diamondbacks and Brandon Webb tonight, the last thing the Cardinals need is another gutwrenching setback to shift the focus. These guys are obviously scrappy, but one has to wonder how much more they can possibly take. Make me a believer again, Rick!

Big Z Is Big Baby

2007-09-06T12:28:00.000-05:00

The jokes just write themselves, people. There isn't anything I can say that will do this series of events justice. In summary, Carlos Zambrano signed a $91.5M five-year contract with the Chicago Cubs, stunk up his next five starts, got booed by the fans and then cried about it.

Give me a break, Big Z. These are the most patient, pacified and complacent fans you'll find in all of baseball. Sometimes I don't even think they MIND losing they're so used to it. So COME ON!! Things must be pretty damn bad for them to react with such voracity. Generally, I don't like when fans boo their own players. It makes me uncomfortable and kind of sad. It's counter intuitive to me and I'll never really understand why fans do it or how it makes them feel better about a player or team that's struggling. I just don't see how it helps anything. However, I also think fans have the right to express their frustration and unhappiness over greedy, mouthy, egotistical hotheads that aren't pulling their weight or giving anyone reason to believe they're deserving of the big fat multi-million dollar contract they just landed. The Cubs spent the big bucks on Zambrano because they expected him to be a reliable ace. He's supposed to be the powerhouse pitcher in that rotation and if he wants to be treated that way, he needs to be playing that way. Now, I'm not saying it isn't okay for players to slump or go through some rough patches, but I AM saying it's ridiculous and ill-advised to then take it out on the people who are paying exorbitant tickets prices to sit and watch you do it. Being in the media spotlight, people like Carlos Zambrano can't afford to be quick tempered, rash and childish. You have to play for these fans for the next five years, buddy, and despite your half-assed PR generated apology, I don't think they are going to be so easy to forgive you. This becomes especially true if you can't start pitching like the guy they're paying for. It also doesn't do you any favors to tell a city of people that have been stubbornly loyal to this team for the past 99 years despite it sucking terribly that they are only thinking of themselves. Are you kidding me? Are they really supposed to feel sorry for you? Because I'm highly confident you weren't thinking about THEM when you were sitting down to ink that nearly $100M contract, you big whiner.

Anyhow, at least I'm not the only one in Chicago who hates him anymore. See, Cubs fans! I've been telling you all along, you just can't trust people that refer to themselves in the third person. At least that's what Lindsay Trumbull thinks.

My Weekend Got Progressively Better Until It Actually Blew My Mind

2007-08-30T15:27:00.000-05:00

Good grief, I take a few days off and look what happens! The NL Central is a mess! The Cubs are in first and hanging on to a precarious 1.5 game lead over Milwaukee, the Cardinals have charged within 2 games of the lead and even jumped into second place for a brief minute yesterday, the Astros fired Phil Garner, Roy Oswalt did that thing he does by shutting out the Redbirds in his return on Wednesday, Carlos Zambrano warmed the cockles of my heart by blowing another game, Alfonso Soriano returned quietly to the Cubs lineup on Tuesday, Adam Kennedy had knee surgery, Scott Rolen missed a few games because of that nagging shoulder injury of his and amongst it all, I made my annual pilgrimage to St. Louis for the Braves series and what would turn out to be one of the greatest weekends of my summer.

When I left on Friday the Cards had just taken two of three from the Marlins and were 3 games back in the division. Spirits were high, my gas tank was full, my iPod was charged and I was ready to go! Upon arriving in St. Louis it became clear that Mother Nature wasn't NEARLY as excited about baseball as I was. It rained and rained and poured and stormed for what felt like an eternity before the game actually started. And then it only got worse as the Birds fumbled around committing a handful of errors and failing to generate nearly enough runs to support an average Kip Wells performance. Plus, a big obnoxious Cubs fan was sitting directly in front of me. Seriously. It's like these people follow me around or something. What are the freakin' odds? But anyway, my Dad and I were Crabby McCrankypants when we left Busch Stadium after that hot mess.

Fortunately, things got better on Saturday. The weather cleared up considerably, Joel Pineiro pitched well and we were able to put together a strong inning against Tim Hudson and squeak by with a 5-4 win. Plus, our seats were a little bit better and the game got over with early enough that we could go out partying with Missouri's finest until the wee hours of the morning. We even got our picture taken with Captain Morgan and saw a woman wearing a banana clip. A BANANA CLIP! I don't think I've seen one of those since 1986! Beautiful stuff, I tell ya.

However, it wasn't until Golden Day Sunday that I became positively euphoric. Those Cardinal Club tickets I mentioned a couple weeks ago? Yeah, they were the coolest seats I've ever sat in. It was physically impossible to eat and drink all the free food and beverages that were being offered and we were close enough to the field that my Mom was calling balls and strikes. If I were so compelled, I could have confessed my undying love to Albert Pujols and he would have been able to hear me. The weather was perfect, Adam Wainwright looked awesome, Jason Isringhausen didn't give me a stroke and Juan Encarnacion even hit a homerun. It was quite literally a perfect day and I don't throw that term around loosely! Add that to a couple Cubs losses over the weekend and I actually wanted to cry. If I would have been crushed by a Clydesdale that night, I could have died a happy woman. Plus, we got to pose with Fred Bird! I dare you not to be jealous.

In summary, I'm high on Cardinal fumes right now. Also, I'm kind of thinking that after Sunday, my wedding and the birth of my first born have a lot to live up to. Make of that what you will!

Was It Good For You?

2007-08-21T16:37:00.000-05:00

Well, we finally won a game against the Scrubbies yesterday. There were homeruns (Ankiel, Pujols), solid defensive plays (Ankiel, Pujols), some reasonable relief pitching (Franklin, Isringhausen) and a great all around performance by Scottie Rolen (3-4, 3 RBIs), yet somehow it all felt a little bit anti-climatic to me. After the emotional roller coaster I rode off the tracks on Saturday, the Monday afternoon contest left me asking, "uh...is that it?" I think this reaction is a solid testament to how different these things are when you're actually there in person or otherwise 100% engaged in the action. When you are watching each and every pitch and muscle twitch surrounded by others that are just as emotionally invested in the results as you are, it changes things. Suddenly, that particular game becomes infinitely more important. A win provides unparalleled jubilation, while a loss makes it feel like you had your insides removed, rearranged and stuffed in backwards. I think this is why it's been so hard to watch the Cardinals play games at Wrigley Field over the past few years. I've had seats at four of them and watched another handful among the ticketless in Clark Street watering holes. (Which is practically like being at Wrigley Field anyway, except the beer is marginally less expensive.) Of these, I've witnessed just one victory and I'm telling you, I've never wanted to win SO BADLY as I did on those days. (In the regular season, anyway.) It has been utterly GUT WRENCHING to keep getting that same result every time I venture out on the Chicago streets in my Cardinal red. It goes so far as to skew my perception of the team and its abilities when I ONLY get to watch them lose and merely read about the wins on the internet. No matter how talented the sportswriter, there's no way to relay the intensity of any given inning. Baseball is meant to be watched with full and undivided attention because it's just more awe inspring that way. The magic gets lost in translation otherwise.

This extends to games at Busch Stadium, as well. Instead of being something that would be kind of nice, winning games I'm physically there for becomes something I NEED! I'm gearing myself up for this, as I drive down to St. Louis on Friday afternoon for the weekend series against the Braves. Do those particular games, win or lose, become any more relevant to the team then the ones played earlier in the year? No, absolutely not. But dammit, they matter more to me! And I think we all know that's what TRULY matters.

Stop Raining, Dammit!

2007-08-20T13:21:00.000-05:00

After Saturday's game was delayed and then interrupted by rain, the skies continued to unleash the fury yesterday causing game three to be postponed before the end of the third inning. This was great news for people that didn't want to have to sit through three hours of watching Carlos Zambrano scratch himself, but not so good for those hoping to see him accidentally drown in a puddle. I, for one, am sort of grateful for the day off, as it's allowed my anxiety levels to return to normal. Being out in Wrigleyville on Saturday in my Cardinals attire probably increased the likelihood of my eventual institutionalization by about 85%. I swear on my life, if one more person told me to "GO HOME, CARDINAL!" I was going to snap and flatten his face with a bar stool. I AM home, you ignorant morons! Last I checked, you didn't have to automatically abandon your intelligence and become a Cubs fan in order to become a Chicago resident. Add that to the game itself, and I was even saltier then normal by the time it was all said and done. (I'm refusing to comment on the details of the actual baseball contest, because I'm not even close to being over the many things that angered me in its duration.)

Anyhow, it's raining again here in Chicago, so expect a soggy ending to today's finale. Nothing lifts the spirits of baseball fans like three consecutive days of rain delays! WEEEEEE!!!!

F!@#

2007-08-19T01:10:00.000-05:00

He was SAFE!!!!

Aside from that, I have nothing to say. Except expletives. Lots and lots of expletives.

DAMMIT!!! Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.

This Is Supposed To Be Fun, Right?

2007-08-17T22:40:00.000-05:00

Sweet mother of Jesus, that sucked. I'm not even necessarily upset about the loss, because let's get serious for a second...it's only one game. I just have a tendency to overreact emotionally to these things and I HATE losing the close ones. To be fair, we held our own. It isn't like it was a giant blow out, because Braden Looper threw one hell of a game. Unfortunately, so did Rich Hill. My saving grace is the fact that my boss did not end up giving me the tickets to today's game. My blood pressure would have skyrocketed out of control if I'd had to see that in person. Plus, knowing my luck I would have been seated next to the same people that were at the game yesterday. Twelve year old girls that manipulate the volume of their screaming based upon how "hot" they think the Cubs players are is more annoying then one can even begin to imagine. Is Matt Murton that sexy?? I had no idea.

Anyhow, I'm really not too terribly discouraged. Generally, we don't play well against the Cubs. I have no idea why and it drives me absolutely BONKERS, but we don't. So, even though we gave those bastards a half game and a share of the lead in the division, I'm not totally uncomfortable with it. I don't think I could even find a Cubs fan that wouldn't agree that today, it came down to luck. Stringing together runs is impossible in a true pitchers dual and today was nothing if it wasn't that. Sadly, Albert had no one on base when he hit his monster and Jacque Jones did. Done and done. One pitch cost us the game. So goes it. Tomorrow, Anthony Reyes will try and redeem us. Until then, I'm going to try to RELAX. Because this is actually supposed to be enjoyable, right? I forget that sometimes.

I Might Vomit

2007-08-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, I was not AT ALL prepared for this.

I acknowledged and subsequently succumbed to the Cardinals' mediocrity WEEKS ago, convinced that no further joy could be gleaned from a season thats only consistency has been it's inconsistency. Just when I'd come to terms with the fact that my Redbirds wouldn't live to see .500 this year, they came out of absolute nowhere and RUINED EVERYTHING! As a result of Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina finishing off a sweep of the Brewers, we have now won five games in a row, seven of our last eight, eight of our last ten and six in a row against Milwaukee. (It's obviously unnecessary to point out, but this is the most substantial hot streak we've had all season.) Wainwright was positively TERRIFYING as he cruised through seven scoreless innings and Molina slapped two homeruns to provide the only offense that was necessary. After a five run attack on the Brewer bullpen in the ninth assured Jason Isringhausen another day off, Troy Percivel fanned two straight in the ninth to complete the shut out. Thank heavens for that, too. The good news helped me stomach having to sit through a nauseating beat down of the Reds pitching staff yesterday, as it combined to give up 20 hits and twelve runs, including seven scored in the 7th inning alone. I was encouraged early when Jason Marquis gave up a four run lead in the third, yet sadly it was not meant to be. It just so happened that today, Cincinnati's pitching was worse then Chicago's. Tough break, really.

Anyhow, I think I'm actually going to pass out. I'm reminded once again of how stressful it is to be in contention. Losing is easy, because you sort of become numb to it. Once you know the playoffs are entirely out of your reach, those losses don't hurt so much anymore because they don't really matter anyway. At that point, what does it matter if you end the season five games below .500 or twenty games below .500? No wonder Cubs fans are always so happy to call themselves the "lovable losers". The poor bastards are practically sedated by sucktitude! Everything changes, however, when it becomes clear that just a few more notches in the win column could potentially propel us into the postseason. Going into this four game series against the Cubs this weekend, I'm a total nervous wreck! I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack all morning, because low and behold, this series actually MEANS something! Not even a little part of me was expecting this. Dear god, someone get me a ventilator. And a barf bag. And maybe some muscle relaxers. I don't think I can take it!

Regardless of my unstable physical and mental condition, Braden Looper and Rich Hill are going at it right now in the series opener. I will more then likely be hiding under something heavy for the remainder of the afternoon.

Step #1: Closing The Gap

2007-08-15T13:22:00.000-05:00

As the dust has cleared and the Rick Ankiel buzz has started to die down a bit over the past few days, something has become painfully evident. I'm afraid to even say it for fear of jinxing us, but our starting pitching has been...GOOD! Braden Looper, Adam Wainwright, Joel Pineiro, Anthony Reyes and even Kip freakin WELLS have come out of the woodwork over the past week to toss games that make it look like they're all competing for the Cy Young award. I don't know where this has been all season, but I don't even care! Because of this collective effort, the Cardinals appear to be a reasonably functional baseball team and rest only 4.5 games out of first place behind the Brew Crew and the Scrubbies. To be honest, it kind of freaks me out.

Regardless, last night's victory inched us ever closer to the playoffs and represented the fourth straight game the Redbirds have taken from the Brewers. Not only that, it was also the third come from behind victory St. Louis has put together against Milwaukee in their last two consecutive series. After Wells gave up three runs off of two early homers by Prince Fielder and Geoff Jenkins, St. Louis rallied for six runs in the 5th inning and Wells retired twelve straight to yield a final score of 12-4. Jimmy Edmonds was 4 for 6 and Albert Pujols got on base five times via three singles, a walk and getting hit by a pitch. Rick Ankiel was relatively quiet going 1 for 6 with three strikeouts, but it hardly mattered. Hell, Mr. Kip Wells himself went 2 for 3 and drove in two runs! Add to that a valiant loss by Chicago to the Reds and we have ourselves an interesting scenario. With two more games against Milwaukee and then a four game series at Wrigley this weekend, it would be BEAUTIFUL to see the Birds take advantage of the apathy in our division and start elbowing our way into contention. Despite how dire this whole season has been, it's actually a legitimate possibility. Until now, I thought the Cardinals had as much of a chance getting within striking distance of the Brewers as Carlos Zambrano did of successfully completing anger management therapy. Oh, how things change! Joel Pineiro takes the mound again tonight to try and gain some more ground in the NL Central and if he plays like he did against San Diego, it shouldn't be difficult to pull off. (And yes...that sentence felt incredibly weird to write.)

The strangest part of this whole progression of events is that I'm actually enjoying baseball again. I don't think I've had a homicidal/suicidal/infanticidal thought in DAYS! Not that I expect this to continue of course, but I should be able to resist pushing drunk Cubs fans in front of oncoming traffic for at least a couple of days. I am heading to Wrigley tomorrow with my grandparents, however, so these assurances mean absolutely nothing. My emotions are very fickle, you know? For the safety of everyone involved, it would probably just be best if the Cubs lost. Let's not tempt fate, shall we?

What's This Business?

2007-08-14T15:36:00.000-05:00

Don't look now friends, but the Cardinals of St. Louis are a mere 5.5 games out of first place and have somehow found themselves in the middle of a playoff race. WHA???? Yeah, I know. I didn't take it seriously the first time I heard it either, but I'm starting to wonder if MAYBE it could POSSIBLY be true. Rick Ankiel seems to have provided the spark our beleaguered boys needed to realize that, HEY! Winning stuff is FUN! He had two more homeruns on Saturday along with a single and a breathtaking catch out in right center field that once again served to overshadow an impressive starting pitching performance, this time by Braden Looper. I know Juan Encarnacion isn't all that pleased with his reduced playing time, but this is absolutely INSANE! Can one man single handedly turn a team around? I sort of doubt it, but I'm having fun with our new found confidence nonetheless. That spanking the "Memphis Mafia" gave the Dodgers on Sunday was one of the most fun games I've watched all season. Did we actually have anyone from our regular starting line up playing that day? For crying out loud, Ryan Ludwick shelled one into Big Mac Land and three of the guys that started weren't even on the roster at the beginning of the season! All of this has been assisted, of course, by the fact that neither Milwaukee or Chicago seem all that interested in convincingly taking the division. I mean, what is with these guys? Either one could have easily run away with it all weeks ago, but no one seems to be in any particular hurry. I suppose it could all be strategic, but somehow I don't think Lou thinks that way. And by "that way" I mean AT ALL. (Because he's a hot head, you see.)

Anyhow, we start a pretty important series tonight against the Brewers and if anyone's interested in gaining any more ground, I suggest we just keep doing what we've been doing. Kip Wells, that means you buddy!

Welcome Back, Rick!!

2007-08-10T14:17:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to Rick Ankiel today after his triumphant return to Major League Baseball last night. In his first start since 2004, Ankiel slapped a three run homerun 384 feet over the right field wall to put the Cards ahead 5-0 and secure the win. Not bad for a (former) pitcher, huh? Disney couldn't write a better feelgood comeback story then this one, although I doubt Joel Pineiro feels quite as thrilled about it. His impressive performance was largely overlooked, despite pitching seven shutout innings, striking out four and not issuing a single walk. Maybe next time, Joel.

In other news, it appears as though Scott Spiezio is being placed on the restricted list as he is treated for an undisclosed substance abuse issue. I wish him the best in his recovery, although I'll honestly be a little disappointed to find out he's addicted to anything other then red hair dye.

He's Baaaaaaack!!!

2007-08-09T12:06:00.000-05:00

I'm going to preface this post by saying that nothing here is going to sound even remotely intelligent. (By which I mean it's worse than normal.) I went to the White Sox game last night for a work related event and might have sampled too many of the suds. The sacrifices I make for my job, right? Siiiiigh.

Anyhow, I do feel it's important to note before I get carried away that Kip Wells pitched last night and didn't suck. In fact, he was pretty damn dynamite! He gave up only 6 hits and 1 run with 4 strikeouts and 0 walks. (Imagine me scratching my chin and screwing up my eyes like I'm thinking real hard.) What to make of this? No freakin idea. The guy's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He defies logic or reasonable thought, which considering my mental state today is probably a good thing. I don't want to have to think too hard or I'll hurt myself.

Speaking of improbabilities, it is with great surprise that I report the return of none other then Rick Ankiel to the Cardinals roster. He's in the starting line up tonight as an outfielder after having his contract purchased from Memphis today. Whoever woulda thunk it? I'm genuinely excited to see how he does and am pulling for him to do some damage. After the roller coaster of a career he's had it would be poetic justice to see him exorcise some past (i.e. 2000 NLDS) demons.

In other news, there's been lots of good stuff going on since my last written assault on your senses. For example, we went on a BLAZING HOT five game losing streak, including a sweep by the Nationals over the weekend. (Thank god I was wandering around Grant Park and completely ignorant.) That's kind of neat, right? Then they put our recently acquired future hall of fame hurler Mike Maroth on the DL with tendinitis in his elbow. Thankfully, our rotation is so deep we don't really need to worry about minor setbacks like this. Whew!! (Please note my sarcasm. I truly believe that at this point we could probably just throw one of the grounds crew guys up there and no one would even be able to tell the difference.)

The coolest thing the Cardinals have done this week, though, is provide with me with one of the most visually stimulating half innings I've ever seen. ESPN was gracious enough to cover our win against the Padres on Monday night so I got to see that 10 hit, 10 run 5th inning with my very own eyes. Good thing, too, as I would never have believed it otherwise. I would have assumed the media was lying to me and that it was just some far reaching conspiracy cooked up by my mom to keep me from hanging myself with a garden hose. (I wouldn't put it past her.)

Even more spectacular for me personally was the little package I got Monday from our company headquarters in Springfield. It held four tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Cardinal games I'm going down to St. Louis for at the end of the month. Why is this so awesome, you ask? Because the Sunday tickets are the Club tickets my company has behind home plate. Basically, this means I'll be chilling with Jimmy Edmond's mom all day in the VIP room eating free hot dogs and guzzling free beer. There's even a buffet before the game starts! Does it get any better then that?? I don't think so, my friend. And if you do, you are definitely wrong and probably also retarded.

Lets see...what could I possibly be forgetting? Oh yes, of course! The Cubs have lost four in a row and six of their last seven. It's a team of destiny, I tell ya! I've been saying it all along!! THE CUBS ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!! (I'm evil, I realize this.) It does seriously blow for them that Soriano's got a flat tire and Ramirez might be out for a few days with a bum wrist. It's tough to win games when your entire team is on the DL, just ask Walt Jockety. But Kerry Wood's back and throwing a few pitches, so I'm sure that pretty well cancels out all that bad stuff.

Editors Note: This has just been the strongest attempt at empathy I've made towards Cubs fans all season and quite possibly, well...ever. Turns out I'm not great at it. Directing sarcasm and bitter vitriol towards them, however? I'm like Carlos Zambrano at a baby eating competition. By the way, it really wouldn't be right if I didn't point out that he lost yesterday. I'd be pretty pleased with myself if it weren't for this stupid hang over. Damn miller light drafts will get you every time, especially when you chase em with vodka. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Week That Was...

2007-08-02T16:32:00.001-05:00

Before I get carried away with my long weekend at Lollapalooza, I just want to make some comments on the major plot points from the past week.

1. When it was all said and done, our dynamite winning streak coming out of the Brewers series ended at four games. While not impressive to most baseball fans, I believe this is the longest winning streak we've had all season. So...there's that. WEEEEEE!!!!! Of course, we followed that up with a blowout 15-1 loss to the freakin Pirates last night thanks to Braden Looper looking the exact opposite of awesome. In how many games have we given up 10+ runs this year? Whatever the number, I'm sure it's positively disgusting and I'm better off not knowing. (SIDE NOTE: Speaking of the Pirates, what is up with making our old pal Matt Morris the highest paid pitcher in their starting rotation? Matt Morris? REALLY???? Isn't he in a nursing home by now?)

2. I was in an AWESOME mood on Monday night. The Cards had the night off, so our beautiful three game winning streak was intact and I had happy visions of a playoff run in my head. I also got invited to accompany a friend to the Cubs game that evening and had the fine pleasure of watching them lose pretty convincingly to the Phillies. The best part was doing so surrounded by drunk Philadelphians in the bleachers. I really have to hand it to east coast sports fans. They are totally batshit CRAZY. It made for an entertaining evening to say the least.

3. I could not sleep early Tuesday morning. I woke up at 5 AM for some ungodly reason and couldn't fall back asleep because I was feverishly strategizing the Redbirds' late season comeback. I think that suggests I might have a legitimate problem/obsession. However, Tony and Walt should really give me a call, as I think I pretty much got everything figured out. Early bird gets the worm, you know?

4. The Cubs are tied for first place, BLAH, BLAH BLAH. Tell someone who gives a damn. And for the love of everything holy, stop whining about it. If I hear one more person say to me, "We've been bad for so long, just let us have it!" I'm going to stuff their teeth down their esophagus. Did I say anything? I don't think so. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've avoided discussing the Cubs lately because they put me in BAD MOOD. I can't argue with statistics, folks. The Cubs have won more games then we have this year. What do you want from me, a goddamn cookie? My humble opinion is that everyone should save all their blowharding until the team actually does something significant like, oh, I don't know...make the playoffs.

5. This weekend is going to be awesome. I'm going to give my baseball passion a couple days off in order to focus on another. (And no, I don't mean drinking, although I'm sure there will be plenty of that!) Lots of good shows to be seen and if I'm lucky, the Cards will start another four game winning streak tonight while the Cubs fall victim to a Mets sweep and Tom Glavine's 300th win while I'm on hiatus. I guess I'll find out when I sober up on Monday. Cheers!

If AWESOME Were A Color It Would Be RED

2007-07-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

Now that I've had a day to reflect on the weekend without the influence of Sauvignon Blanc and Captain Morgan, I can safely say without any reservation that IT TOTALLY KICKED ASS. No, I wasn't just tipsy and delirious, we really DID win three in a row against the division leading Milwaukee Brewers. Two of these were even taken in dramatic late inning comebacks that would have certainly inspired me to make out with strangers if I'd witnessed them in person. I don't even know what to say. You know the feeling when out of no where someone surprises you with an extremely thoughtful and unexpected gift? That's how awesome it is in my head space right now. I'm all aflutter with affection, adoration and utter disbelief that I can possibly be so fortunate. I'm so numb with joy I don't even care that Carlos "Big Z" Zambrano won his major league leading 14th game yesterday. And THAT'S saying something considering I usually can't even think his name without wanting to slam my hand in a door.

The euphoria that comes with realizing we aren't completely hopeless is as welcome as it is unanticipated. Directly responsible for this glorious resurgence are the guys in our bullpen. Randy Flores, Ryan Franklin, Russ Springer and Jason Isringhausen combined for 13 shutout innings and gave up only 4 hits in those three games. With our starting rotation being questionable at best, it's comforting to know that our relief corp can come in and be untouchable in the late innings. I mean, we're still giving up 5, 6, 7 runs a game, but at least the hemorrhaging stops when Wells, Maroth and Company get yanked. That's gotta count for something, right? Especially when the eight inning turns Scott Rolen into a clutch RBI addict and makes Albert Pujols a bullpen devouring monster. I don't even know why we bother playing the first six frames anymore.

So now that we've effectively eliminated Milwaukee's lead over the Cubs in the NL Central, (double edged sword if I ever saw one,) I'm going to Wrigley tonight to cheer on the Phillies and encourage the late season collapse I know the Cubs to be capable of. If ever there were a more perfect time to hope for a rabid squirrel attack at the Friendly Confines, I've never heard it. Would Alfonso Soriano cry like a sissy and run screaming into the clubhouse? Frankly, I think believing anything else is unpatriotic.

Break Out The Champagne!!!

2007-07-29T01:33:00.000-05:00

Holy hell, we just won two games in one day. TWO GAMES. Math is hard, but I'm pretty sure we just beat the Brewers twice. Someone needs to break out a calculator or something. It blows my mind to even begin to think about it. We are AWESOME at baseball. Just incredible. If we can just keep doing this, we'll win the World Series again for sure. I can feel it.

Dammit, I love the Cardinals.

Who Hired This Guy??

2007-07-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

Seriously. We played the Tigers last year in the World Series. I don't remember this guy. FOR A REASON. Verlander? Rogers? Bonderman? Nope. We get Mike Maroth. I'm sure he's a great person. Just a SWELL individual. But he has SUCKED as a Cardinal pitcher. If I wanted to have a stress induced asthma attack I would watch Jason Isringhausen close games. Unfortunately, he hasn't had the opportunity to do that lately.

I'm going to bed. This is absolutely depressing.

WE DID IT!!!!

2007-07-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

I don't know who's responsible for what happened last night, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I needed that win DESPERATELY. This enables me to preserve the tiny ounce of dignity I have left after the preceding days. I know it is nothing more then a blip on the radar, but it felt sensational to clobber Jason Marquis and win JUST ONE against the Scrubbies. The relief I'm experiencing is unbelievable. We are still atrocious at the game of baseball, but the tension in my stomach has magically (although I'm sure only temporarily) evaporated. It's like we just took the division, which is pathetic in its own right. Generally, it's not a great sign when you become delirious over avoiding a sweep. We're languishing deep in third place and I'm behaving like we just simultaneously cured cancer and saved Darfur. Heaven help me, but I think I've lost my damn mind!

No matter. Last night was a fun distraction from the realities of the season and the impending series against Milwaukee. I only saw the highlights since during my pity party on Wednesday night I decided to avoid it entirely, but after prompting from my father I finally turned it on late in the game to see for myself that we had a convincing lead. After watching SportsCenter on loop a few times, I'd satisfactorily seen Chris Duncan's grand slam approximately thirteen times and let me tell you, it got no less thrilling in each subsequent viewing. It was also nice to see Pujols and Rolen get in on the action, as it's been disappointing to watch them struggle the past two days. Until now, I kind of thought they both needed a big hug and a swift kick in the rear. At this point, I'd offer them my first born.

Plus, how about that Braden Looper? I had serious misgivings about putting him in the rotation earlier this year, but as much as it pains me to say it, he's our freakin' ace! I have absolutely no issue with eating my words as long as he keeps tossing games like that. In fact, do you think it'd be appropriate to send him flowers?

I'm Going To Need To Invent Some New Swear Words

2007-07-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

Dammit, dammit, dammit. They just aren't giving me ANYTHING to run with here. I'm not asking for much, but the ability to watch a game without being heavily sedated would be nice. I'm dying out here! I just want to win ONE BLOODY GAME!!!!! Would it be too much of an inconvenience for my guys to let me save a little face? I thought Cubs fans were obnoxious when they were losing, but you should hear them now that they're winning. I think I'd rather be deaf.

Furthermore, after watching two games in a row I really cannot take much more of Cubs "on-air personalities" Len and Bob. These guys spent about ten minutes last night discussing how one of them got locked in his hotel room. FOR THE SECOND TIME! (Note: Yes, he said IN not OUT OF.) Later in the broadcast they were reflecting on the tragic death of Tulsa Drillers first base coach Mike Coolbaugh and one of them helpfully pointed out that what killed him was a burst artery in his head that was CLOSE TO HIS BRAIN. Really? As opposed to what, his gallbladder? He got hit IN THE HEAD!!! Thanks for the anatomy lesson, jackass. Somehow that whole hotel room issue started making a hell of a lot more sense. I can just see him sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the door completely baffled. "There's a big wooden SLAB obstructing my exit! However will I escape!"

Anyhow, I can't even think about the actual game last night without wanting to punch a kitten in the face. Although Adam Wainwright was lights out until the fourth inning striking out six of the the first ten batters he faced, we couldn't generate any run support whatsoever. We hit into four double plays and ended up losing by more then five runs for the 25th time this season. Pujols is 0-9 on the series and it looked like Juan Encarnacion (4-4, 1 RBI) was the only guy who thought it was a terrific idea to put runs on the board. I, for one, feel his genius is under appreciated.

So anyway, I think I'm going to abstain from watching the action tonight. I've spent six hours over the past two days wanting desperately to shove my arm in a paper shredder. I'm also running dangerously low on vodka and think my roommate is ready to have me fitted for a straight jacket. These things combined seem to suggest that my mental health is in danger and a nice evening among baseball-neutral friends might be in order. It's either that or move somewhere outside of WGN's reach like the Czech Republic. I haven't really decided yet.

Suicide Watch Starts...Now!!

2007-07-24T21:43:00.001-05:00

It isn't over yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't already had thirteen anxiety attacks, a couple of martinis and one legitimate stroke. I'm slowly becoming aware of how fortunate I am not be able to watch this on a regular basis. Until now, I haven't sat down for an hour and a half. Instead, I've been pacing across my living room and wondering how I haven't been diagnosed with Tourettes. Dammit, I HATE Carlos Zambrano. I don't know if I've made that clear, but he absolutely disgusts me. If I could pick any one person to throw into a metal crate and launch into space it would be him. ...

Anyway, I suppose even thus far it's been a moral victory for us Cardinals fans. Kip Wells didn't eat his glove or otherwise embarrass us and it appears that a few of our injured compadres are interested in winning this damn thing. For example, how about Yadier Molina catching Theriot stealing second? Ballsy move, Ryan. Foolish, but ballsy. Molina is equipped with a government certified rocket. Everyone knows that. ...

Also, Skip Schumaker is my new dreamboat. That is all.

RIP 2007. It's Like I Hardly Knew Ya.

2007-07-20T12:56:00.000-05:00

After a double dose of disheartening news this morning, it appears that the wheels are not only falling off in St. Louis, but careening wildly into the crowd and disfiguring small children in their paths. I haven't been this depressed since they shot Bambi's mom. Holy hell, it sucks to be a Cardinals fan right now.

First and most horrifying is the news regarding Chris Carpenter's status. Despite reports that he was making strides in his recovery and would be returning to the rotation over the next couple of weeks, it's been announced that stiffness and soreness has returned in his elbow. He is now scheduled to undergo Tommy John surgery, which effectively ends his very short season (his only start was the season opener we lost against the Mets) and creates a big question mark as to when he'll be able to return next season. Honestly, I feel gutted. I'd painted this majestic picture in my head of how he'd come back and the team would rally around his inspiring return. We'd take over the division, the league and finally THE WORLD by winning the rest of our regular season games, somehow un-losing a few of those really embarrassing early season debacles and automatically earning two wins for every time we were forced to show up at the same ballpark as the Cubs. It was even in watercolor. Siiiiiiigh.

Next, we got our hides handed to us last night by the Braves. And by "we", I mean starting pitcher Mike Maroth, who gave up 10 runs over five innings, 5 of those coming in the fourth inning alone. Wow! This has turned out to be an exceptionally effective trade for us. Really, he's just what the doctor ordered as this is damn near the scariest starting rotation I've ever seen. I haven't encountered such an intimidating arsenal since Mr. Rogers, the Easter Bunny and a couple Teletubbies played together back in 1997. These guys are positively FEROCIOUS!!

Unless I win the lottery or Carlos Zambrano gets eaten by a tiger, my day is officially ruined. Bring on the martini sandwiches!

Wait...What Just Happened?

2007-07-19T10:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, someone help me out here. Who was our starting pitcher last night? Because I'm PRETTY SURE it wasn't Kip Wells. No, the REAL Kip Wells would not have held an opponent to just two runs in eight innings. (In fact, I'm pretty sure he has no idea what pitching into the eighth inning feels like.) Is this a joke? Did we acquire an alien byproduct of some genetic engineering experiment that just LOOKS like him? Is this still July of 2007? So many questions, so few reasonable answers. All I know is that Kip Wells (!!!) led the Cardinals to a 6-0 shutout of the Marlins last night with his most brilliant start, well, probably EVER. (Seriously. He has not won a game since May 23rd.) I'm not quite sure what to make of this development, but I can't help but think it's only temporary. He's been the stuff of nightmares all summer, so unless he's had some miraculous physical transformation, I'm not convinced I should be too terribly excited about it. Nonetheless, it made my morning to hear he didn't fall off the mound or accidentally chuck a curveball into the dugout. I do usually have to brace myself for the worst.

Someone I actually am kind of excited about is this Brendan Ryan kid. Filling in for an injured Scott Rolen, he had five assists last night and appeared to be completely comfortable at third base. With Rolen back in St. Louis investigating discomfort in his left shoulder and his usual backup Scott Spiezio out with a finger infection (what??), it's nice to know we don't have to resort to starting one of the ball boys. As my Dad pointed out this morning, if we somehow come back and take the division, we might be the first minor league team to ever make the playoffs. Of course the likelihood of that happening is about the same as me piloting a space shuttle to Mars, but it's fascinating to think about nonetheless.

On another note, does anyone else find it suspicious that Scott Rolen and Scott Spiezio keep coming down with injuries and diseases at the same time? I mean, first it was simultaneous food poisoning and now this whole "infected finger" and shoulder injury thing. Suuuuuuuurre. My bet is that they're actually back in St. Louis playing video games, eating Taco Bell and giving each other wedgies. That or they're moonlighting as mysterious super heroes out saving the world from evil forces. Both of these explanations somehow seem wildly more realistic then an infected finger. What does that even mean? I'm no doctor, but I'm highly confident that's not a legitimate injury. Does it need amputated or require extensive physical therapy? No? Then get your glove and get back on the field, you big pansy.

ROAD TRIP!!!

2007-07-17T12:40:00.000-05:00

As the Cardinals continue their ten game road trip, only one thing comes to mind. Are we going to win any more of these damn things? I mean, it would appear we've reached our monthly quota after handily dismissing the Phillies on Sunday and beating the Marlins last night. That's two whole games in a row, people! What an unprecedented explosion of greatness! I've actually calculated the odds of us losing all six remaining games of the trip and although it's weighted by Albert Pujols being positively destructive lately and the fact that Adam Kennedy has finally figured out what he's supposed to do with that big wooden stick he carries to the plate, we do still have Kip Wells in the starting rotation. Therefore, the conservative estimate is 2:1. This should be fun, don't you think?

On another note, I've been asked by a lot of people over the last week what my thoughts are on Tony LaRussa not pinch hitting Pujols in the ninth inning of the All-Star game. (Most of these queries have come from Cubs fans, go figure.) I think I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about the All-Star game, but to reiterate, I could not possibly care less. It makes absolutely no difference to me whatsoever. The amount of attention given to this alleged "spat" between Tony and Al has been absurd. Is this at all relevant to the dismal regular season we're wallowing through right now? Is it providing any insight on how we are going to dig ourselves out of this mid-season hole and progress more ably towards the playoffs? Did it in any way resolve our nagging issues with starting pitching in the first inning or come up with creative ways to compensate for a line-up plagued by injury? No???? Well, then go pound sand, you incompetent waste of toilet water. The end result is that this matters to absolutely no one, ESPECIALLY anyone in the NL Central. (This means you, Cubs fans!) In all likelihood, no one in this division will live to see October and thereby have to suffer the indignity of NOT having home field advantage. (Oh, the TRAGEDY!!) Therefore, your commentary on this issue is serving no other purpose then to annoy the ever loving crap out of me and make me question why I don't own a handgun. Seriously. Why DON'T I own a handgun?

I'd Rather Go To Ikea On A Saturday Then Watch This Stupid Game

2007-07-10T21:13:00.001-05:00

So, here we are on the eve of the All-Star game aka "the most pointless waste of a perfectly good night of baseball" and the weary Redbirds don't have a single soul in the starting line-up. This is absolutely shocking. With the EXPLOSIVE way we have been playing this season it's just an abomination. A real head scratcher if I ever saw one.

Anyhow, I really don't get the point of this whole affair. There are a thousand things I'd rather be doing. Scrubbing a toilet at Wrigley Field and shaving my legs with a rusty spoon sound a hundred times more fun then watching a bunch of seemingly random players fumble around and pretend they give a crap about a game that none of them really want to play in the first place. As we so valiantly showed last fall, home field advantage in the World Series don't mean diddly. Take that, All-Stars. Besides, is there really a convincing argument for the NL this year? Seriously??

On another note, I have been absent of late due to a three week tour of the Greater Midwest. First, I visited my very special hometown of Muscatine, Iowa for some family bonding, mullet watching and of course a couple of extra special losses to the Phillies. Then, I took a trip up to Saginaw, Michigan to see some friends, gaze at more mullets and watch the highlights of the Cardinals taking two of three from CINCINNATI!! WOOOOHOOO!!! It was practically like the World Series if the World Series were played between two high school girls softball teams. Lastly, I drove an abysmal 8 hours (with an hour detour courtesy of my directions-challenged roommate) to the Lake of the Ozarks for a mid-summer vacation/Fourth of July Spectacular that included boating for three days, working on my sunburn, drinking my weight in assorted domestic beers and watching St. Louis snag a couple from the Diamondbacks while in a waterlogged, sunburned and drunken stupor. See, Cardinal baseball CAN be fun!!! Basically, my point is this: I have been drunk for three weeks straight and have therefore digressed into a sort of mid season coma. Did I mention the mullets?

On another front, I'm not even going to discuss the Cubs slow creep above 500. I cannot stand those Northside goat molesters and will NOT waste my extensive vocabulary discussing the many, many issues I have with this. I am, however, taking my folks to Chicago's Biggest Beer Garden this Sunday to watch them take on the Astros and am sincerely looking forward to seeing a bunch of drunk chicks in mini-skirts and high heels trying to care about baseball. My Mom comes for the warm $60 beers, my Dad comes in hopes that in between hot dogs he can see Alfonso Soriano choke on his socks and I come hoping against all hope that Lance Berkman will beat Lou Pineilla over the head with his bat. See? We all win!!

Mom, if you're reading this, I have a special account set up to bail Dad and me out of jail afterwards. Ask me for the password BEFORE we start drinking.

Another Reason Why I Hate The Cubs

2007-06-27T12:06:00.000-05:00

My existence here in Chicago is really quite ironic. I mean, for as much as I detest the Chicago Cubs, they sure do seem to be involved in an awful lot of my day-to-day activities. More and more often, I find them obnoxiously pervading the many facets of my life. For example, I live about a mile northeast and work about a 1/2 mile southwest of Wrigley Field. This means that every time the Cubs play a night game, I'm driving directly through all the disillusioned fans that are making their way to the park. Aside from the fact that apparently none of them grasp the idea of crosswalks or traffic signals, this doesn't usually present a problem. However, the plucky little entrepreneurs hawking parking spots all over the neighborhood are starting to slowly drive me insane. These people stand in the middle of the road with their signs and flags advertising $25 parking and I seriously wonder how they make it through rush hour without being hospitalized. The next time I have a bad day at the office these idiots will inevitably be out on the street and I will have no choice but to select one and park my car on his face. And you better believe I'm not paying him $25 for the pleasure.

Introducing...Baby Eckstein!!!

2007-06-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

Monday was just NOT a good day. The Cards were back in New York, which meant I was receiving text message taunts from my Mets friend in Queens and the Cubs were home again after sweeping the White Sox, which meant my neighborhood was even more obnoxious then usual. After dropping two of three to the Phillies over the weekend, the Birds seemed poised to lose another after newly acquired starting pitcher Mike Maroth gave up a third inning home run to Carlos Gomez. Naturally, we didn't disappoint as Russ Springer gave up a walk off home run to Shawn Green in the 11th causing the Mets to perform one of the most bizarre victory routines I've ever seen. Simultaneously, I'm sitting outside Wrigley Field in a beer garden listening to the roar of the crowd as the Cubs pound on the Rockies and achieve an 8-3 lead. This being the Cubs, the bullpen coughed up six runs in the eighth inning, yet uncharacteristically managed to come back and win it via Soriano's walk off single in the ninth. Fortunately, their fans stayed classy as ever and provided a brief respite from the agony when one took offense to Bob Howry's performance and drunkenly charged the mound. It was really the only thing that kept me from deliberately running in front of a cab. After another win last night, the Cubs have won five straight and are officially ruining my life.

Fortunately, the Cards were able to achieve some forward momentum last night in the form of a spry little rookie named Brendan Ryan. (Who I'm pretty sure is David Eckstein's 13 year-old brother.) He capped off a solid all around performance with his first big league home run in the 11th inning to win it 5-3. This is excellent news for me, as I don't think I could have stomached another "GO METS!!!" message from Shea last night. On a smaller scale, it was probably pretty cool for him, too. So, you know...good for him.

Anyhow, Anthony Reyes is looking to improve his sparkling 0-9 record tonight against Mr. Tom Glavine and I for one am thoroughly confident we have what it takes to completely blow it. If not, you know we'll at least give it our best shot. Here in Chicago, Big Z takes the mound for the finale against the Rockies and I sincerely hope he chokes on some pine tar or gets struck by lightening.

It's Bedlam!!!

2007-06-17T01:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so much good stuff right now. First of all, Derrek Lee went all Carlos Zambrano today and attempted to beat the crap out of Padres pitcher Chris Young. This resulted in a bench clearing brawl that the real Carlos Zambrano CLEARLY could not resist. It is seriously something I usually only imagine in my head, except it really happened. So freaking funny.

Secondly, the Cardinals decided to have an offensive orgasm and scored ten runs in the fifth inning today. This almost makes me forget that they gave up 14 last night. Almost, but not quite. As thrilled as I am, how is it that a team gives up 17 runs one game and 14 the next??? Sweet mother of Jesus.

Anyhow, I do not want that to take away from the fact that tonight was AWESOME. I would probably make out with Chris Duncan right now if the opportunity presented itself. I also saw a Cubs fan get hit by a car on my way home this afternoon. I was far more sympathetic then I ever thought I would be. This was strange, considering I really always wanted one for a hood ornament. I don't know what this means, but I imagine I'll spend the rest of the evening drinking rum and cokes and listening to Van Halen. It seems like the only appropriate response to a day of such magnitude. You might as well JUMP!!!

The Royals Are Dizzy

2007-06-15T09:21:00.000-05:00

Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but I am rendered speechless after last night's rubber match against the Kansas City Royals. The Cards lost 17-8. 17-8!!!!!!!! I didn't realize scores like that were even possible in baseball. I mean, the games are only nine innings long. You'd have to give up ridiculous 8 and 6 run innings to manage something like that. Oh wait...

After 44 pitches, six runs and 1 1/3 innings, the Cardinals mercifully yanked starting pitcher Kip Wells from the mound. His early foibles resulted in his 11th loss (leading the majors) and an ERA that has now ballooned to a dismal 6.93. This forced the bullpen to chew through 7 2/3 innings, which yielded 11 additional runs for KC. Eight of these came in the second with another six coming in the fourth.

Conor Nicholl at MLB.com doesn't mince words, saying:

Kip Wells can't worry about his spot in the rotation or his future as a Cardinals pitcher. After his shortest performance of the season on Thursday night, Wells is only trying to be content with himself as a person.

Yikes. Perhaps instead of starting him we should just try using a tee? I don't know. I don't have the answers. However, I do know that we are running the risk of giving our opponents vertigo if we keep making them run in circles like that for three straight hours. I would imagine that Mark Teahen, Tony Pena and Emil Brown are awfully nauseous this morning. So am I, come to think of it.

How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?

2007-06-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

In my excitement over the Cubs misfortune this past weekend, I failed to comment on the sudden resurgence of the St. Louis Cardinals. By golly, these scrappy little fellas have won 6 of their last 7! We're only four games under .500 and five games out of first place! Most remarkable is that all of this has been accomplished despite the fact that people are getting beaned in the head, breaking their wrists and having knee surgery. Pujols has smacked a few more home runs bringing his total to 12 and it even looks like Chris Carpenter is taking the first steps to recovery from his elbow surgery by playing some catch. Well, well, well!! These Redbirds are making fatigue, famine and all other assorted handicaps and injuries look good!

The most disturbing of these is the blow Gary Bennett took to the head during an at bat against the Reds' Aaron Harang on Wednesday. (Gary Bennett, of course, is the backup catcher who is taking Yadier Molina's place while he sits on the DL with a broken wrist. Jesus. At this rate, I'm not going to recognize anyone on this team by July. Bring on the backups of the backups!) How he walked away from that with all motor and verbal skills in tact, I'll never know. Anyhow, Tony LaRussa is NOT happy about it and wants Harang to be suspended.

"He didn't mean to hit him, but he meant to throw up and in. It's a very
dangerous thing. If you're a big league pitcher, you should be able to get the
ball below the shoulder. If you don't, you should have big consequences, because
that's a dangerous thing."

Now, I agree that getting a 90 mph fastball to the skull is probably no picnic. However, I don't think it's necessary to punish a guy for a pitch that CLEARLY got away from him. Can you imagine how awful it would feel to be directly responsible for giving someone potential brain damage? Anyone who intentionally does that is a depraved miscreant lacking any semblance of a moral compass anyway. Unfortunately, an automatic suspension isn't going to change that.

Further aiding our quest to become the gimpiest team in major league baseball is Preston Wilson's recent announcement that he will undergo knee surgery. He's suffered from cartilage damage and fluid build up in his right knee since spring training and is consulting with doctors to ascertain whether he will simply undergo a clean-up procedure or a more serious microfracture surgery that would keep him out for the remainder of the season. I think his backup is actually my sister, so we'll see how this goes.

Anyway, since this whole injury thing seems to be working for us, I recommend that all remaining players on the roster either go play patty cake with a grizzly bear or juggle a chain saw this weekend. The more maimed the better! Heck, as a sign of solidarity I've even given myself a paper cut. I mean, it didn't bleed or anything but it still hurt like hell. Take that, Gary Bennett!

Tee Hee Hee...

2007-06-03T19:19:00.000-05:00

My, oh my, oh my! As the Cubs continue their traditional mid-season implosion, it appears that my good friend Carlos Zambrano just can't contain his emotion anymore. Just when I start to worry that he's bottling all that tension up inside, he goes nuts and starts punching Michael Barrett in the dugout. This is obviously a dramatic departure from his usual well adjusted, controlled and classy demeanor. I almost don't know how to contain my surprise! It's like I don't even know him anymore. Next thing you know, he's going to pick up an annoying habit like constantly scratching his balls every twelve seconds. But seriously...you know your season has really hit the skids when teammates start cracking each other's faces open. It's really not a good sign.

Anyway, it really can't shock anyone that this made my weekend. Well, that on top of the Cubs losing six straight and Lou Piniella FINALLY doing what we all knew was inevitable. Absolutely going bonkers and landing himself an ejection and indefinite suspension. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Lou. One has to wonder if he would have done it had he not been provoked by a reporter on Friday at the post game press conference. (I believe he was commenting on the Zambrano/Barrett debacle and was asked about his astonishing lack of on-field meltdowns this season.) I tend to think he would have at some point, (considering he is certifiably insane,) but it makes it a lot funnier to think it was premeditated. Purposely arguing an arbitrary call with the intention of getting tossed JUST to give a big "FU" to the Chicago media? Now THAT is behaving like a true pillar of good sportsmanship! My personal opinion is that he was jealous of Zambrano becoming the clubhouse "Crazed Lunatic" and felt he needed to do something dramatic to earn back the title. Well played, Lou. Well played.

Concussions, Bursitis, Crappy Hitting...OH MY!!!

2007-05-29T21:42:00.000-05:00

Isn't it so ironic? Just when I get the slightest taste of optimism in my mouth, I have to wash it out with the strongest martini I can find. I know I promised not to be such a pessimist, but I don't really know what else to be. I mean, just over the last couple of days both Scott Rolen and Chris Duncan were sidelined with various injuries and maladies. Excuse me for being insensitive, but WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE??? AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING??? Our starting rotation is a mess, we can't score runs when it matters and half the team is ill/injured/completely indifferent. My spirits are so low, I even turned down an opportunity to see the Cubs lose tonight. With my luck lately, they would somehow earn an automatic World Series title. Yeah, I know that doesn't make any sense, but neither does Albert Pujols only having eight...yes, EIGHT!!! home runs this year. MY FIVE YEAR OLD NEPHEW HAS EIGHT HOME RUNS THIS YEAR!!!!!!

AHEM. Okay, so my new "great attitude" resolution isn't going so well. Turns out I am unable to turn off the paranoid schizophrenic living inside of me. I said I would try, okay? I'm not perfect. Close, but not quite. Sue me.

PSA: I Apologize For Being Totally Bonkers

2007-05-24T22:29:00.000-05:00

This post is an effort to apologize for being a suicidal lunatic. I'm a terrible loser and have been fortunate to have experienced back-to-back seasons of wild Redbird success. Clearly, I'm misguided and totally delusional. That aside, I would like to say that there is something to be said for my team not being so fantastic. It's called PERSPECTIVE. I'm not completely deranged. I know that we can't have 100 plus wins each and every year. I'm spoiled rotten. (True story. Ask my parents.) It's humbling, in an "I wanna run people over with my car" kind of way. So....sorry to be a wet blanket. I can't help it. I'm hardwired to complain about things that do not agree with me. (True story. Ask my boss.) However, I am making a resolution to be more positive. As well as my self imposed Cardinals blackout has worked, I really can't live like this. I have a trip to St. Louis to brace myself for, after all. And you can't hide behind a computer when you're sitting there watching a game live. I mean, you can try to hide behind a beer guy, but usually you just end up looking like a big creep. Trust me. It doesn't go very well. So, I'm shaking it off by thinking of my most favorite live game experience EVER.

I'm in St. Louis with my Dad and one of his old buddies from work. It's Friday night and absolutely UNBEARABLY hot. I mean, sweating your guts out HOT. Add to that the fact that I had driven four plus hours to St. Louis that afternoon and had been desperately trying to keep up with the beers that kept being put into my sweaty hands and I was one big hot mess. The Cards were losing 0-4 going into the ninth. Somehow, (and the details are fuzzy due to the aforementioned beers,) Yadier Molina ended up capping off an unreal comeback in the bottom of the ninth to win the game 5-4. I have never in my life been such a drunken, delirious, sweaty mess of a human. There was lots of jumping around, high fiving and slurring. Meanwhile, my Dad's friend was snoozing peacefully in his seat. (WHA???? Yeah, it didn't make sense to us either.) I ended up back at our hotel calling everyone I knew to tell them about a game that no one knew or cared about. Meanwhile, it's a memory I will never forget. That's why I love the game. It truly isn't over until it's over. So, while I get frustrated, angry, upset and a few other words that aren't really appropriate, I can handle the losses believing that at some point, even if it is just for one night, I'll get to see something like that again.

Don't Look Now...

2007-05-24T14:57:00.000-05:00

Unless I've completely lost my mind and started hallucinating, I think the Cardinals just finished a three game sweep of the Pirates. Is this right? Is this possible? Have we actually won THREE consecutive games in a ROW??? I don't believe it!! It seems as though my little "vacation" from Cardinals baseball has finally performed it's karmic duty. You can all thank me later. I mean, we have people hitting home runs now!! Jimmy Edmonds even crushed a 425 footer to right field on Wednesday!! This is fantastic!!

Okay, so I realize I may be totally blowing this out of proportion, but even if this series was only a temporary flash of competency, it was absolutely necessary for my health and sanity. This ought to keep me from strangling myself with my Albert Pujols T-shirt until AT LEAST July. I've been walking around with the thing tied around my neck looking for a strong tree branch since we left Detroit. Can you blame me? Prior to Tuesday's game, the Redbirds were in the middle of a five game losing streak and had lost seven of their last nine. We'd sunk 10 games out and back into last place. Now, we're only one game back from the Astros and Cubs and a much more respectable 7.5 out of first. (Keep in mind, the benchmark for adequacy is still well below sea level at this point.) Dare I say, this season may have hope for us after all!! Assuming we don't crap the bed against the Nationals this weekend, I may be able to return from my self imposed hiatus and start listening to live games again. Of course, I would do this in a padded room under heavy sedation, but that's really only for the safety of the children. Turns out the young folk get really upset when you kick the dog and yell the F word repeatedly. Who knew?

Anyone Got a Painkiller? A Shotgun? A Shot Luge? ANYONE????

2007-05-18T23:23:00.000-05:00

In case anyone cares to notice, I have been MIA for the last odd week or so. It isn't because I don't care anymore, it's just that I don't have much else to say. I know I'm not a good loser, but I never thought it would drive me to total indifference. No matter how badly I want to join the Red Sox, Mets and Brewers' respective bandwagons, I'm still a blasted Cardinals fan. Which, quite frankly, sucks right now. So I've adopted a new practice. It's called avoidance. I have not paid the slightest bit of attention to any specific game since I last posted. So far, it's worked splendidly. By splendidly, I mean it's made absolutely no difference whatsoever. This is absurd. I'm still a homicidal maniac and the Birds are still one million games below five hundred and approximately seven light years out of first place. Where I usually would delve into specifics about a particular outing, I will refrain here. This is mostly attributed to the fact that aside from the final scores, I couldn't tell you what the heck is going on. I will tell you that it absolutely breaks my heart that we gave up fourteen freakin runs to the Tigers tonight. It's sort of fitting, I suppose. We were obviously destined to get decimated at the hands of our World Series foes, particularly since we can't even give anyone in the NL Central a good show. At this point, I'm ready to go to sleep and pretend like this whole season has been one loooooong bad dream. Unfortunately, me and my fellow Card fans have four long months still ahead of us. I don't know. Perhaps I should take up another hobby. Like stamp collecting. Nobody goes crazy collecting old postal service relics do they?

Sadly, the lone bright spot for me over the last few days has been the Cubs stinking it up in New York. My good friend and total savior over in Queens sent me an uplifting play-by-play of the ninth inning yesterday and I nearly felt human again. Oh, those wily Mets! I don't think they have anyone playing for them aside from Jose Reyes and David Wright that is under the age of 63, but they sure do know how to make Alzheimers work for them. This is the kind of thing that happens to the Cubs every day in my head. Boy, it sure is fun in there! I also sometimes climb mountains with Matt Damon, play Yahtzee with JFK and prance around open fields with puppies.

I Like 12-Year Old Boys. I Mean...Uh...Oh, Nevermind.

2007-05-09T11:44:00.000-05:00

It sucks for our starting rotation that even on nights when they throw their best stuff, the rest of the team can't pull it together and contribute to the cause. Such was the case for poor Anthony Reyes on Monday night when six innings, two runs, three hits, five strikeouts and zero walks was not enough to lock away a win for the ailing Redbirds. Once again, the team could not capitalize on offensive opportunities and just to mix things up, the relievers decided to get in on the fun. After a call in the ninth that ruled a hard hit pitch thrown by Brian Falkenborg a double instead of a home run, Tyler Johnson came in, loaded the bases and walked in the winning run. Good grief, that's depressing. I had more fun watching Schindler's List then I did talking about that game.

As for last night, things turned out considerably better, despite the fact that we had a 12-year old boy on the mound. Yeesh. I wonder if Brad Thompson has even gone through puberty yet? Regardless, he went five innings and gave up only one run on a solo shot by Matt Holliday. One cannot complain much about that. Plus, after an exhilarating four-run seventh, the Cards pulled out a win! WAAAHOOOOOO!!!! I think things are really turning around! Now, if they could just figure out a way to score runs in more than one inning per game...

In other more positive baseball news, I'm having pizza tonight. That's pretty well all I can come up with.

Good News for People Who Love Bad News

2007-05-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

Well, the good news is St. Louis finally snapped a five game losing streak this weekend. In front of an emotional home crowd, the Cards topped the Astros in their first win since Josh Hancock's passing and gave a beleaguered fan base a small taste of hope. Adam Wainwright, although far from flawless, performed more efficiently then he has in weeks giving up only 2 runs in six innings, while Chris Duncan and Albert Pujols drove home the runs necessary to secure the win. Of course, this was rendered completely irrelevant on Saturday, as they floundered about and gave up 13 runs to their whopping big fat ZERO. For those keeping track at home, that would be the team's 12th loss in 17 games. This also marked the end of Albert Pujols' 12 game hitting streak as he went 0-4. ARRGGH!!!

Ahem...sorry. This is supposed to be the optimistic and uplifting portion of this post. Continuing with the good news, Looper had another solid start on Sunday leading the Redbirds to their first series victory since coming to Wrigley in April. Scott Rolen finally got his groove on and shook himself out of an 0-25 hitting skid and Jason Isringhausen came in to save his 8th game in 9 chances. Of course, Looper was dinged for a run in the first, which continues to add to the team's consistent struggles in the first frame. They have been outscored 21-3 in the first this season. Considered collectively, the Cards have a 12 -17 record which is good enough to continue their stay in the Last Place Motel indefinitely. WOOHOOO!!!

Further exacerbating the Redbird's woes is the announcement that Chris Carpenter will be out for at least another three months as he undergoes arthroscopic surgery on his elbow. Add this to the fact that I had tickets to see the Cubs finish a sweep of the Nationals yesterday in dramatic extra innings fashion and I'm about ready to take a bath with a hair dryer. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

In summary, there is just not enough good news.

Being Terrible Is The Least Fun Thing You Can Be

2007-05-02T15:34:00.000-05:00

Good grief, we suck at baseball. We are 7.5 games back and in last place. In the NL CENTRAL. I don't really even know what to say except that AT LEAST we aren't the Yankees. What kind of crap is this anyway? The Brewers have the best record in major league baseball. It's like we're living on a different planet or something. Not that Milwaukee doesn't deserve their day in the spotlight. Like I've marveled before, they have a guy named Prince Fielder on their team. And a contraption like this. No hard feelings! However, as I've settled into being a Cardinals fan over the last couple of years here in the Windy City, I'm used to consistently solid performances from my Redbirds. You cannot argue that over the last four years this is BY FAR the weakest team we've put on the field. You can blame the starting rotation, you can blame the sorry offense, you can blame almost anything. The fact still remains that as a fan, I have unrealistic expectations for the team that won the World Series last fall. As dynamite as they performed, it was a surreal turn of events that on any given day cannot be duplicated. Which quite frankly, hurt us in the long run. Winning it all last year made our stock skyrocket. This in turn, ensured that key players like Jeff Suppan got swept away in ginormous contracts. No complaints here about that whole experience, but having a transitional team win the Series is like having a bunch of sober jerks win a beer pong competition. They may perform well now, but once the hangover kicks in it becomes clear that they are not the proper caliber to project their success into the future. We are royally screwed.

Anyhow, enough abstract analogies. I obviously realize the team is struggling with the loss of a teammate and a friend. Thinking about it in the context of my own life, I cannot imagine how any of those guys can go on the field and give a crap about whether or not they turn a double play. I give them credit for having the stamina to show up at all. If it were me, I'd be in the fetal position on my bedroom floor. It is because of this I cannot make fun of any given play in any given game over the last three days. In the truest sense, I can't imagine baseball is the most important thing to these guys right now. Honestly, that's okay with me for now. I just hope they can clean it up and be competitive enough in the coming months to compensate. If not, this will continue to make up for it time and time and time and time and time again.

Tragedy In St. Louis (And I'm Not Talking About Losing to the Cubs)

2007-04-30T15:26:00.000-05:00

After horrible events like the tragic and untimely death of Cardinals relief pitcher Josh Hancock, there really is no room for sarcasm, even at the expense of the Cubs. Instead, I offer up my sincere condolences to his family, friends and all of those he touched in major league baseball. From all I've read, it seems he was the real deal. Genuine, humble, honest and hardworking, he was devoted to his family and loved the game of baseball. Guys like him are a novelty in the machismo machine of professional athletics and he will certainly be missed.

So, Cardinals really CAN fly!!

2007-04-27T18:57:00.000-05:00

So, as I sit here waiting for Jason Marquis to throw the first pitch in St. Louis and get this weekend's Cubs vs. Cards match-up underway, I'd like to point out that Skip Schumaker is a STUD. I wasn't necessarily hot on the idea of optioning him up over John Rodriguez after spring training, but turns out I had no freakin' clue what I was talking about. (As usual.) After going three-for-five in his substitution for an ailing Chris Duncan (more on that in a minute) and jump starting what would become the Cardinals biggest comeback of the young season, Mr. Schumaker officially wins my heart. In a night where the bats were uncharacteristically hot, (at home no less!), this young gentleman came out guns a blazin' and I, for one, am thoroughly impressed. Kudos to you, fine sir.

Now, back to that Chris Duncan thing. He hit his head on the ceiling at his apartment complex in his haste to get to the game and consequently required stitches. How exactly does that HAPPEN? What makes you in such a hurry that you actually become AIRBOURNE? As confused as I am, the news doesn't surprise me that much. He just kind of seems like a guy who hits his head on things. Did you see him in right field during the post season last year????

Regardless of all of this, we should all let out a collective cheer for winning two, count 'em, TWO home games in a row! It's unprecedented!! This after Pujols did that whole manly "provide game winning hit" routine on Wednesday. He's been practicing that a lot lately and I think this kid may have a future. But like I demonstrated with the whole Skip Schumaker thing, I've been wrong before.

Anyhow, I plan on watching as much or as little of this three game series as I can without having a complete psychological breakdown. This first one is a bit of a struggle for me, seeing as stupid Jason Marquis ate us up last weekend and he's facing Anthony Reyes who has been less than convincing so far this year. On one hand, it's one of the few games I get to see over the course of the season since WGN will carry it. On the other, I may be forced to watch from between my fingers like I'm seeing a horror movie if we can't generate some offense. And I really can't stand horror movies. Call me a pussy, but who wants to watch people have really violent and awful stuff happen to them? If I was into that, I'd be a Twins fan.

I Henceforth Declare My Child ROYALTY!!

2007-04-25T19:18:00.000-05:00

The bad news is the Cards got handed another loss last night at the hands of the Reds and three multi-RBI home runs. Kip Wells faced 27 batters, allowed eight runs, issued three walks, hit a batter and did not strike out a single hitter. Add that to the fact that once again, the line up could not manage more then three runs in a game and we have ourselves another big giant stinker at home.

Matthew Leach sums it up best:

The Cardinals are 1-7 at Busch Stadium this season. They have lost seven
out of 10 and haven't won consecutive games since a four-game winning streak
from April 8-11.

Hmmmm. That royally blows. What is a loyal Redbird fan to do to make oneself feel better? Why, you go to a Cubs game!

I managed to get my grubby mitts on tickets to last night's face-off with the Brewers and was not disappointed. Accompanied by a couple of die hard Cubbie fans, we sat just a few rows up on the left field side in spitting distance from Alfonso Soriano. (In case anyone's keeping track at home, $136 million dollars has bought the Cubs one RBI. BARGAIN!!) Rich Hill dirtied up his immaculate ERA by giving up a couple bombs to Prince Fielder and Kevin Mench and sadly, Derrek, Aramis and Alfonso could not find it in themselves to do much to counteract it. If it wasn't for the rain that started in the eighth inning you would have detected big giant tears of devastation running down my cheeks.* It's always tragic when you get taken to task by someone legitimately named Prince. In any case, Jeff Suppan was on the mound and it was nice to see what we could have kept had we somehow located $42 million extra dollars. I really should have looked harder under the couch cushions.

Anyway, it doesn't say much when the most positive part about Cardinal baseball is the Cubs sucking. Eventually, Prior might stage a gem of a comeback and then what? As amusing and almost disgusting it is to enjoy their long and miserable history, it doesn't make the Cards any freakin' better. At some point this season, I hope to genuinely get excited about MY team and stop relishing in a situation that's bound to be temporary. (I mean, seriously. Lee and Soriano are NOT going to have silent bats all season long. As many times as I wish upon a star, that just isn't going to happen.)

In closing, Prince is a fantastic name. It's right up there with Slappy, Asshat and Monkeynuts.

*Fear not, loyal friends. No tears were wasted in the viewing of this game.

MLB - Cards + Royals - Coppertone = GOOD TIMES!!

2007-04-23T15:20:00.000-05:00

Even though I was down in Kansas City this past weekend, I was still able to keep pretty solid tabs on those wily Redbirds. (Which is a nothing short of a miracle considering how much I had to drink.) I was able to monitor Friday's match up via Gameday on my computer before I left town and the scoreboard at Kauffman Stadium kept me abreast of Saturday's disaster. Yesterday's was the only one I was near a television to see, but boy, was it worth it! I love me some game winning home runs!! WEEEEE!!! God help anyone that faces Albert in that kind of situation. He's just scary good at launching balls into the stratosphere and making closing pitchers cry. It's pretty much my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

Also, despite being permanently disfigured from sitting in the sun all day Saturday, I really got a solid deal. In forfeiting tickets to the Cards game at Wrigley, I was able to avoid a disgusting abortion of a game in which we could not manage to score a single run against Jason "Out of Control" Marquis. I shudder to think about how obnoxious that would have been to see in person. I simply don't have the constitution for it. Instead, I got to sit outside in sunny 80 degree weather drinking beers with some of my greatest college pals and watching a game that didn't induce heart failure. Unfortunately for all 19 Royals fans in attendance, the Twins ended up winning, but it was an exciting game to see nonetheless. I got to see former Cardinals Mark Grudzielanek and Reggie Sanders and didn't have a single anxiety attack all day! (Except for when Mark Teahen hit a home run and fireworks suddenly started going off in the outfield. I nearly crapped my pants.)

Ultimately, it could not have turned out any better. I got to see a major league ballgame, didn't have to watch the Cardinals lose to the Cubs and was rewarded with St. Louis taking two of three at Wrigley. So minus the reconstructive surgery I'm going to need to fix the third degree sunburn all over my body, this weekend was a raging success. Hooray, Royals!!

I Hope The Royals Are Grateful For My Attendance

2007-04-20T16:14:00.000-05:00

It wasn't a convincing win today, but a win nonetheless thanks to Preson Wilson's shot past the Ivy. (We still can't score any damn runs! ARGH!!!) Jason Isringhausen reminded me again of why I don't watch these things without first downing a couple horse tranquilizers and and Braden Looper continues to be one of the surprising bright spots in what's started out to be a depressing season of Cardinal baseball. What makes today even more special is I've only had TWO Cubs fans tell me that Albert Pujols takes it in the Poo-holes. Isn't that miraculous? Of course, I had another one substitute a bad Tony LaRussa/drunk driving joke, but you can't really blame him for trying. It's not his fault that Cubs fans are about as creative as my dining room table and repetitive as a stoned monkey with Alzheimers.

On another note, I detest myself. I had my company tickets for tomorrow's game given to me a few months back and then accidently planned a trip to Kansas City over the top of it. How does someone let that happen? What the hell is wrong with me? I guess the bright side is I'm going to see a Royals game tomorrow instead.

I want to punch myself in the stomach.

Caution: Side Effects Include Cramping, Nausea and Losing

2007-04-19T15:29:00.000-05:00

Just when I start to get excited about how we're playing, we have a stretch like this where it's almost impossible to imagine us winning EVER AGAIN. A drunk hobo once told me that it's hard to win ball games when you don't score any runs. Hmmm. That's interesting. It's very telling that a man who had just peed his pants and was gnawing on a plastic cup had a better grasp on the obvious then the Cardinals lineup. We've had a few promising outings, including a couple of ten run routes of the Astros and the Brewers, but there's only been three occasions where we've scored more then three runs in a game. That's going to take us no where but the toilet in a hurry.

Speaking of toilets, someone needs to seriously start monitoring what these guys are eating! Every time you turn around another guy is out with food poisoning. Strict standards need to be put in place that prohibit the consumption of whatever Scott Rolen and Scott Spiezio are noshing on. If it's anything other then raw hamburger and dog food, I'll be shocked. That just seems fitting somehow.

It's ALIVE!!!!!!

2007-04-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. Albert Pujols' season of destruction has finally begun. After a quiet start, it's nice to see him back to his old ways of, well, you know. KICKING TOTAL ASS. With two home runs and five RBI's in Sundays game against the Brewers, it became clear that Mr. Pujols has no intention of NOT being completely awesome this and every season until the cruel clutches of death wrench that bat from his hands. The night sweats and tremors might suggest otherwise, but I really wasn't too terribly concerned about him easing into the season. He was bound to light up sooner rather then later, because you know it just eats him alive when he isn't dominating every at bat. I can just see him fuming in the dugout, thinking, "Man!! Chris Duncan gets to hit ALL the home runs! No fair!"

But seriously, what a freakin' slacker. The fact that he doesn't already have 19 home runs is a disgrace to the league. What in god's name has he been doing?

Why Thank You, May I Have Another?

2007-04-11T12:39:00.000-05:00

It sure is nice to know that we're not the only team whose closer induces heart attacks. After losing two straight games in the ninth inning, Salomon Torres is probably making calls to see Brad Lidge's therapist right about now. Yesterday, the Pirates took a 2-0 lead into the ninth where Scott Spiezio singled in two runs to take it to extra innings. Cue Skip Schumaker's sac fly in the 12th and it's game over. Then today, Chris Duncan unloads a bomb in the ninth to break a 2-2 tie and ultimately give St. Louis the win.

Whoops.

So now the Redbirds have won five of their last six and four in a row to claim a share of first place in the central division. Thanks, Salomon!

In his defense, I think that being a closer has got to be about the most thankless position in baseball. Minor mistakes can hurl situations completely out of control and efficient outs don't necessarily inspire a showering of gratitude. There is virtually no room for error and it's safe to say that no matter how many 1-2-3 outings a guy has, fans are always going to more vividly remember the catastrophic ones. It's easy to credit the collective team effort for an especially satisfying win, yet in a crippling loss it usually just feels better to blame one guy. Unfortunately for them, no matter how quiet the bats are or how sloppy the defense, the closer is the easiest and most likely of targets.

Which is why I'm surprised most of these guys don't turn into homicidal maniacs. In fact, until someone can prove to me that Jason Isringhausen doesn't have a closet full of automatic weapons, I'm steering clear the hell away from St. Louis.

Absence Truly Does Make The Heart Grow Fonder

2007-04-09T19:06:00.000-05:00

So, I leave town for a couple days and guess what? We finally win some games! WEEEEEE!! After a brief sojourn in my native Iowan town (where I can actually watch televised coverage of Cardinal baseball,) I am happy to report that we were able to take two of three from the Astros and another today against the Pirates. Adam Wainwright and Kip Wells pitched another couple of great games and Braden Looper sounded lights out today. (Back in Chicago, I'm forced to listen to the play-by-play on XM Radio.) It even appears that Mr. Albert Pujols himself is joining in on the fun! You can only imagine how much this settles my nerves. I might not even have to drink tonight. (Well, not as MUCH anyway.)

Plus, today was the home opener for the Cubs and it looks like they crapped the bed again. Considering how cold it was outside, I'm surprised so many people showed up to watch. However, on my evening commute home there were plenty of drunken morons parading around Wrigleyville tempting me to run them over. (I even saw one dude biff it and smack his head on a fire hydrant. He must have taken the loss exceptionally hard.)

This must be God's way of telling me I need to visit my parents more often. Duly noted.

Even My Yearbook Pictures Are Less Embarrasing

2007-04-05T10:55:00.000-05:00

Remember a couple days ago when I was uncharacteristically calm and collected after our Opening Day loss to the Mets? Yeah, all of that has since gone out the window and my blood pressure has returned to its typical Cardinal induced levels of BATSHIT CRAZY.

Over the first three games of the year we've scored two runs. Two runs in 27 innings! We are 1 for 15 with runners in scoring position! Thanks for showing up, guys! Also, much appreciation goes to Preston Wilson for his fine additions to our already impressive list of defensive miscues, along with special gratitude to Josh Hancock and Russ Springer for only giving up 7 runs in the seventh and eight innings instead of 27. Now THAT would have been embarrasing!

The bright spots through all of this? Our young and surprisingly capable rotation and JASON ISRINGHAUSEN!! Are we now living in an alternate and parallel universe? If this keeps up, I'll be on a steady diet of Xanax and Smirnoff for the next six months.

So Far, So Good!

2007-04-04T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hey kids, we're off to an AMAZING start! Two games, two losses to veteran (read: OLD!) pitchers, a few base running mistakes, three defensive errors, nine base runners stranded in scoring position and approximately 97 balls swatted into double plays. Then, to add insult to injury, Carpenter is missing his next start as a "precautionary measure" against swelling in his right elbow. That's just freakin' wonderful.

In more positive news, Kip Wells showed promise in his first start and fans got to see the first home run of the year at Busch Stadium, courtesy of Scott Rolen. Someone should go ahead and order those 2007 championship T-shirts, don't you think? We're on FIRE!!

At least we have the Braden Looper start going for us tonight. Wait a second...

Speaking of Looper, I have it on good authority from a Mets fan friend of mine that while he was in New York he did some side work as a circus attraction with Carlos Beltran's mole and the bearded lady. True story.

They Don't Call It US Cellular For Nothing

2007-04-03T13:29:00.000-05:00

Leave it my snarky allies on the Southside to continue doing God's work. This is from an educational series of videos and articles created by the fictitious "Southside Chicago Board of Tourism." Designed to mock their ignorance, TSSCBOT covers topics as confounding as dining, transportation, legal tender and dialect by answering questions from Northsiders.

My favorite query is by Carolyn from Evanston. I once tried extending a hand to a Cubs fan and he just tried to pull my finger. Lesson learned.

I'm Having Fun Already!!

2007-04-03T11:59:00.000-05:00

Is it a total testement to my insanity that I was more emotionally invested in the Cubs' loss yesterday then I was in the Cardinals' on Sunday? I watched nine whole innings of getting our asses handed to us as though sedated, but watched half an inning of the Zambrano Explosion and was positively giddy for the rest of the day.

Five innings, five runs and five walks.

I'm so happy! I think I need therapy.

It's Opening Day--WEEEEEE!!!

2007-04-03T11:16:00.000-05:00

Opening Day means several things. First, it indicates that the bitter Chicago winter is FINALLY nearing its end and that I can officially stop wearing long underwear to work. Secondly, it means the Northsiders are breaking out their Soriano jerseys and gearing up for what I'm hoping will be another agonizing and tortuous season. Best of all, this year it's a reminder that the St. Louis Cardinals are the defending 2006 World Series Championship. After five months without baseball, it's a great excuse to re-live the experience and an even better excuse to start using this as the go-to response to EVERYTHING. "Oh, Zambrano had two-hitter? Yeah, nice World Series." "So, Jim Edmonds and Scott Rolen are on the DL again? Oh, well. At least we won the World Series!" "A nuclear bomb is set to go off and level every major Midwestern city? Hmm...that's too bad. But at least we've got that World Series Championship!"

However, as I sat down and watched the Mets attack us both offensively and defensively, I was struck with an eerie sense of calm. Obviously, I would like to have seen the Redbirds notch a win against the Mets on their first outing of the season, but for some reason, as the runs built up against us and double play after double play eliminated most of our scoring opportunities, I could hardly muster up the energy to utter an expletive. It wasn't that I didn't care about the win, it was just that the singular importance of the game was so minimal. Keep in mind, the last time the Cardinals played the Mets it was in a do or die situation. This win on Sunday night hardly counts as a moral victory for Willie Randolph & Company considering the relative stakes. I honestly felt kind of bad for them. They could sweep the series and it would still do nothing to eliminate the agony of losing game 7 in the 2006 NLCS. It just doesn't matter.

Now ask me again how I feel when we face them in game 7 of the 2007 NLCS.